For purposes of this blog though, I am now calling BS on the rules … mostly. This person thought about me over the years in the way the Rules describe that you want a guy to think about you… after our original relationship only happened because I straight up pursued him.
I think the Rules are a chemical hack made necessary because true chemistry is SO rare and yet our culture has romanticized it so ubiquitously as to make us all feel worthless if we don’t have it with our partner. In reality I still believe that many, maybe most, people never get to experience natural chemistry (acknowledging there is a spectrum) so if you care about being partnered, you’ll have to do something to compensate, or settle on a non traditional partnership.
OK sure, Rulebreaker. The Rules are BS because some guy you hit on and then dated for a matter of weeks in 1998 intermittently fantasized about you after that, and upon reconnection with this guy you are experiencing "rare natural chemistry" that doesn't require rules. LOLOLOL. I mean, if nothing else, the Rules are a somewhat useful construct to prevent one from telling oneself absurd things like that.
Because when you believe absurd things like that, you then lapse into becoming vulnerable, behaving like a damn idiot and then feeling crappy about yourself. And shortly after that last post (certainly not because of it! right?) I started spiraling into that cycle. Most of it involved texting, ergo this post's title.
Again, I do not plan to use this blog regularly, but I should name the individual in question even if only for purposes of this post and the one in 1-11 years where I give the update about what the hell happened with my life. The only time I ever referenced this person in the original blog, I called him "waiter boyfriend"... how reductive! I picked it because we were both waiters at the time and that's how we met; neither of us are anymore. But... let's go with "waiterboy" for now.
Yesterday I hung out with texting guy, with whom I have a comfortable friendship and have for years at this point. We had been playing text tag for several months. The last time we saw each other, which was last fall, I was in a terrible place about something having nothing to do with marriage or romance or rules, and he (as usual) was amazing and supportive. Yesterday I dragged out of him the stuff he had been avoiding over text about his own dating life and told him about waiterboy situation. I told him about the ways in which I was presently acting like an idiot with waiterboy in a manner that resembled the way I had acted like an idiot with him (texting guy). He didn't take that bait much, but it really helped me laugh about the situation.
(Then I went home and acted like an idiot texting waiterboy for another several hours. But I feel a bit better today.)
At one point in our conversation yesterday, texting guy mentioned this blog (referencing a text I'd sent to him a few weeks ago), and said: "so you reread your blog? Is that still up?" He asked for the link or the name of the blog. And I said, no way! I know he read it at one point but before I posted some of that intense stuff about him, which I don't want him to see. He said are you still posting in it? I said no, but I did post something about waiterboy. He said, well, I have the link somewhere. Eh, I doubt he'll make the effort and even if he did, it's no longer feasible to "find" this blog using a search engine - I tried a fair amount because I really don't want waiterboy to find it.
But if you do, texting guy, text me and tell me so! Even now this seems to be mostly a blog about you! How ironic.
