The end?

Today ends the six months of Rules. And my twenties. Perhaps I will describe my final shenanigans at my birthday party and at a wedding where I was the maid of honor another time. But for now:

Conclusions?

The first that springs to mind is that if I try to do the Rules in an extreme form, I will eventually go insane from the struggle of it all and run in the opposite direction from the Rules, surpassing even my pre-Rules limits. Yes, even Rulebreaker had some of her own rules before the Rules, even though this realization occurred as a result of seeing the full set of rules and Rules in a shattered heap on the ground.

Even so, there were some Rules that I never once broke, even though they were not intuitive to me pre-experiment. Specifically, I never asked a guy out, and I never initiated phone or e-mail contact with a guy (ok - one exception when I sent a guy a link right after I had replied to an e-mail from him). I also never initiated a conversation about "us" or the relationship beyond telling texting guy what I would and would not do physically outside of one. I never accepted a "free for drinks tomorrow?" date. I never accepted a Saturday night date after a Wednesday. I didn't facebook friend a guy. And all of these Rules inactions generally felt right to me, as opposed to frustrating.

So what drove me insane? The guilt. The Rules made me feel like a CUAO-Fail. I felt constant guilt for being funny and outgoing, for exuding any hint of flirtatiousness, for starting conversation or including topics of my own choosing in conversation, for encouraging guys to go to events I was promoting. When first dates failed, as they did often, I blamed my inability to maintain demureness. I felt bad about myself. I felt that I should be more of a lady and less of a funny girl or else no man would ever love me in that elusive Rules-marriage way. I felt this regardless of the man who didn't love me in that particular instance; I became unable to evaluate the merits of the man, caring only about why he rejected me. This would undoubtedly come across as interest in the man himself, despite not ever really having reached that inquiry. Any interest I exuded would have undermined the entire goal of the Rules.

Simply put, trying hard to be a CUAO as defined by the Rules threw me back in the pit of low self-esteem that I was trying to climb out of when I started this thing.

Reading back over my first CUAO post, I come to the same question I stopped just short of asking in that entry:

How can one be a Creature Unlike Any Other by applying a uniform set of mannerisms and expressions devised by someone else?

Forgetting the Rules's ironic definition of CUAO for a moment, I think most people who have spent time with me would describe me as a creature unlike any other. But the so-called Rules "CUAO" I was trying to be was not me. And by trying to be that CUAO, and trying very very hard to like that CUAO, I tricked myself into not liking me, or at least into doubting the desirability of my personality in a way I had never before. Frankly, I didn't even succeed in liking the CUAO version of me either, so this was a lose-lose result.

At the same time, the Rules experience (including the CUAO part) undeniably increased my independence as a person. I obsess over men less, I get over my obsessions more quickly, I am far more fulfilled by my man-less existence than I ever imagined I could be.

So, what next?

Drop the CUAO act. From here on out, I'm unapologetically Rulebreaker. I will, however, try to be the least annoying version of myself.

Keep the main Rules that worked, but as guidelines. I'm not going to ask guys out. I'm not going to be available at the drop of a hat because, in reality, I'm not. I'm not going to run around friending guys or flirting with guys or making possible interest in them apparent. Indeed, I am going to try not to be interested.

Find some sort of additional experiment to justify continued blogging despite that nobody comments here anymore. I've actually already thought of one, but I have to think it through a bit more.

Stay tuned,

A few hours shy of 30-year-old Rulebreaker

party time

My fairly massive birthday party is tomorrow. Likely in attendance, Rules-wise? Texting guy. Yes, he's still around. Haven't seen him since the July 4th party-hopping extravaganza, but we spent an hour on the phone a couple weeks ago, mostly talking about professional stuff. Then he disappeared as usual, and reemerged a few days ago by text (to which I did not respond), facebook message (to which I did not respond), and phone (which I picked up and spent eight minutes engaged in the usual banter). Yes I know I said I was totally done with him. But we can be friends, right? We just haven't had that conversation.

Others in attendance at my party? My parents. This should be interesting.

In any event, the fact that it is my birthday party means that the six months of Rules are nearly over. You can all look forward to my certainly profound conclusions on my actual birthday, Wednesday.

Read between the lines

• 9 - How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
• "End the date first…especially if you like him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply sigh, and say, 'Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow.' Don't say what it is you're doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though you're dying to do more."
• "Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first three dates should be like 'being and nothingness.' Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too much feeling, investment, or heart."

• 11 - Always End the Date First
• "The first date or two should last no more than five hours."
• "[Ending the date first] must be done because you must leave him wanting more of you, not less. If he wants to know more about you as the date is ending, he can always call you the next day or ask you out again when he drops you off."

• 15 - Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
• "But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you can sleep with him on the first or second date? Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or months, you won't be sorry. Why risk having him call you easy (and think of you that way) when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day? Better that he be angry and strategizing ways of seducing you on the next date than moving on to the next girl. Making him wait will only increase his desire and create more passion when you finally have sex whenever you're ready."
• "Now you might argue that you don't mind having sex with him on the first or second date and taking your chances, that it's okay with you if he doesn't call again because you're both grown-ups and you can take your lumps. We know from experience, of course, that most girls who say this are lying to themselves. Deep down inside it's not okay with a woman if she sleeps with a man and he doesn't call…Every woman we know who said it was okay if a man didn't call after sex was actually not okay when he didn't call. When you sleep with him on the second date, you don't really know if he's going to be a gentleman or a creep. Rules girls don't take risks. We wait until we're sure before having sex."

• Chapter 6, Book II: Long-Distance Relationships Part I: How They Should Start
• "[B]ecause you broke The Rules by spending so much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after a week or two just to say hello but doesn't make plans to see you. Or he cals and asks you to fly to [his city] to see him, or makes plans to see you in [your city] but only because he's going to be there on business anyway… Looking back on the evening--and after reading The Rules--you realize that you didn't play hard to get. You spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked him and the challenge was gone. We're not saying that had you walked away or turned him down a couple of times for dances that he would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship…But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances, you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved and hurt…When you spend four or five hours with a man you just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting, even if he made the first move. When he goes back home, he may not think you're that special or dream about seeing you again because you were too available… The oly way to know if a man is really interested in you -- instead of just filing up a few hours -- is to not accept a last-minute date. When you make him wait several days to see you or you make him wait until he's in town again a month later, he gets to experience longing. If his feelings about you are just lukewarm, he won't bother to make a date beforehand--by following The Rules, you'll avoid wasting your time and having your hopes dashed later on."
• Here, you're thinking this is true love, and he's thinking sex, sand, and fun for a week.

• Online Rule 17 Dates One, Two, or Three
• "We believe you should then date a man for several months before sleeping with him… Why? Because you don't want to sleep with a man until you are pretty sure it is meaningful. Physical intimacy should happen slowly over a period of six to eight dates, not impulsively on the first or second date, no matter how you feel or how long you've been reading his e-mails and think you 'know' him."

• The Rules for Long-Distance Relationships (Online)
• "The biggest mistake women are making in long-distance relationships is that they are hopping on planes to meet these online guys. Every woman who does this has a good reason, including: … she has friends, relatives, or business in that town… Whatever the reason is, it is not The Rules if you agree to meet a man first under any circumstances…[t]hat puts you in the position of pursuer and allows him to be complacent."
• "Usually when a woman visits a man first or once, it is like taking one sip or one bite of something delicious: It's never a one-time thing. She usually ends up visiting him three or four times until she realizes that he is using her and the relationship is not reciprocal."

Defriend

Facebook guy changed his relationship status, and posted a couple-y profile picture.

I defriended.

The end.

PS - I don't think she's that pretty.

Epilogue - I have to work with fb guy on a smallish committee for the next two years. I was launched into that full force today when he was in the first of three breakout sessions with me, talking about Jewish identity in a group of five people. Oy. Awkward. At least I looked good.

TMI

I have been pondering how TMI to get in this blog. On one hand, I'm not a very private person with my friends. On the other, there's just some things I might not want to write about myself on the internet, even if it's only my friends reading it. And some of the TMI is quite relevant to the process.

Luckily, I'm so backlogged on relevant blog posts to write that I don't really have to make this decision right now. I'm open to arguments. Perhaps I will just go post the TMI on the AO.

Rejection and gender

A link someone sent to me, with a minor shout-out to the Rules:

http://miter.mit.edu/node/188

Extras

I have neglected to blog some of my experiences that did not go anywhere. Here are some synopses.

Guy from random city 3 hours away: He seemed highly interested on Jdate, sent me a couple of substantive e-mails on Jdate and I ended up ignoring one by accident because he's not really convenient (and his profile says he doesn't want to relocate). He then e-mailed again and said something cheeky about my lack of response, so I responded. He asked for my number, so I gave it to him. We played phone tag for a while, and then I had texted him approximately when I would be free. He responded: "Amy [not my name], Heading 2 sleep soon. Chat 2morrow or l8ter this week?" 12 minutes later he texted again: "[Rulebreaker], Sorry I didn't look very carefully @ phone. Trying 2 go 2 sleep but not sound impersonal. I need glasses. Just going 2 gym 2morrow and will b free after 6:30." Um. Next. Did not respond. A week later he texted that he'd be in my city that weekend if I wanted to get together. Did not respond.

Ortho dude: I IMed him in NY (rulebreaking), he asked me out, I met him to hang out in Central Park, he engaged in disastrous non-Rulesy conversation which I ultimately indulged because it was so obviously not going anywhere for me. An hour or so after I contrivedly ended the date, he texted "if u want to go out again u can." Huh? Next.

Dr. Capricorn: I accidentally indicated on chemistry.com that I was "interested" in this M.D., not knowing it would tell him so. Since I was only on for the free weekend I emailed and said I was confused about the site, but gave him my e-mail address. Again, unrules. But he initiated from there and was really warm and I was pretty excited about him! I met him for drinks one night, and everything was good for awhile, until I indicated that I admired Barack Obama and he unleashed a 30-minute tirade about the horror of health care reform. His eyes got all wild and demonic. A day or so later he e-mailed that it was cool to meet me, and "I know some good fish and sushi places." Oh really? Congratulations.

Froofy man: This NY guy had IMed me early on in my Jdate subscription, and was one of those over-emo guys. "How do you feel about long distance relationships?" etc. I talked to him briefly, very rulesily (for IM which you're technically not supposed to do) and then gave him my e-mail. Which he never used. So when I decided I was going to break the Rules and attempt to Jdate guys in NYC, I e-mailed him. He immediately e-mailed me AND Jdate messaged me with the subject line "[Rulebreaker] and [Froofy man] in NYC," and attaching several photos of himself utterly unsolicited. He talked about how great it was that I had messaged him and how it had improved his birthday weekend. When we went out he was a little effeminate for me, although cute when not moving or talking. The conversation was fairly strange. He described his gluten-free diet at length, and distinguished his wheat allergy from celiac disease. He asked questions about what I was looking for, which I absolutely hate on first Jdates. The example that captures his essence: I poured vinegar into the oil for my bread - that I would be eating by myself, of course - and he mentioned it looked like those inkblot tests. So unthinkingly, I was like "oh really, what do you see?" - myself seeing something that looked sort of like a wishbone. He went into this fairly detailed speech about how he saw two people coming together for the first time, with anticipation and uncertainty, and how one of them was cradling the other one. After he was finally done with this mortifying conclusion, I paused, then responded, "that's pretty deep for someone with a wheat allergy." When he walked me back to my hotel, he said enthusiastically how he'd like to see me again, and then never called or e-mailed. I wasn't terribly disappointed (and probably wouldn't have gone out with him again anyway).

Guy with kid: Very cute guy from eharmony with a child that looked about six in the picture. His profile was rambling, incoherent, and sappy. The friend I showed it to said "next" immediately. But his first e-mail to me after we made it to that stage of communication (see eharmony post, not yet written) was really nice. I was looking forward to meeting him but we had a bit of trouble getting it together. From my perspective, this was because I was out of town and busy. I was flexible on the texting rule for that reason but wasn't super responsive or quick on the texts b/c Rules. We talked on the phone once for about ten minutes, and he seemed interested in my religious activities, which made me happy. But after not being able to accept his invitation to hang out "Wednesday or Thursday after work," he said in a text: "Okay, something doesn't feel right here - not enough energy/interest. But I wish u all the best out there. Take care [Rulebreaker]."

I hope this has been a pleasant break from texting guy.

Thanks to online dating, I have a few more first dates lined up but that's it. This is a good thing, because otherwise I might find myself in an awkward situation re my BIRTHDAY PARTY. Which is ominously close. Also, because I really would like to write a little more in this blog before it technically expires, and going on a lot of second and third dates + insane workload = no time to write.

The Rules for long-distance setups

Finally, I am introducing a new character to the blog. A little late, I know, but it's high time I wrote about someone other than fb guy (who just made his relationship with other chick official on facebook, causing only minor mouth-puking on my part) and texting guy (who has, contrary to my big "closure" spiel, been calling and texting more often than usual and I'm pretty sure still thinks we're dating). Drumroll, please...

The Rules is fine with friend setups, but they're a little tricky. You both know it's a setup, so you know what the deal is and trying to treat it like "normal" dating seems almost silly. Also, if you're not telling your mutual friend that you're doing the Rules, you could come across as a jerk to both the guy and the friend.

The Rules is also fine with long-distance relationships as long as, for example, the guy visits first and so on.

I had the opportunity to try this in combination, which if you think about it is extremely weird. My friend (who knows that I'm attempting Rules but doesn't know about the blog) told me about this guy she thought I'd like in New York, and him about me. Basically we are both geeky Jews. I said sure, why not - I'm in New York all the time lately. She didn't know how to make the connection. I told her that she could either email us both at the same time or give him my contact info. She emailed both of us at the same time.

I waited in accordance with the Rules and the Rules of online dating.

He e-mailed. I complied with the Rules of online dating in my responses. He asked me out in the third e-mail for the next time I'd be in town. This was good, because if he hadn't and I had had to ignore his fourth e-mail like the Rules says, I'd probably have some explaining to do with my friend.

Now, he didn't offer to come to Atlanta to meet me, but a major pretense of us getting together was the fact that I came to NYC on business all the time. Plus he had just moved - and he did offer to meet me on the day he moved because that was the only day we overlapped in town. So I still think the Rules and I were square here. Also, I didn't offer up my phone number even though he gave me his, and technically I was probably allowed to at that point.

He picked me up at my hotel, and with an idea where to go. We went and had a beer and talked. Unfortunately I had skipped dinner and was starving to death. So when he asked whether I wanted another round I just had to ask if they had food here, which they did not, so that extended the date for us to go get food. But seriously, I was hungry.

Our conversation was good, and I hadn't checked the time in awhile. Then I opened my cell phone to show him something and bam! 3.5 hours had gone by.

OK, so I'd say first date scorecard was like a B/B- on this one. When he dropped me off at the hotel, he asked me when I'd be back in town and I said I wasn't sure, and he said to e-mail him.

I didn't, and he e-mailed me anyway! And we e-mailed back and forth, and made plans. I slipped up once when I saw a link I just had to send to him even though it wasn't my "turn" and it was after midnight.

The second date was so lovely that I threw the Rules into the East River. Metaphorically, of course.

xkcd on "Rules"

Closure day

On Independence Day 2000, I made a ten-hour drive to "surprise" a college boyfriend who had broken up with me earlier that summer, by phone, long distance. Basically, I needed to look at him and know that he didn't want me anymore to let it go. His mom knew I was coming; I'm not sure if that makes my action more or less psycho (I understand that it was psycho, for the record). He basically ignored me the first day I was there and I spent time alone in a guest room upset. Eventually I realized it was over and got myself together. We talked, we hooked up, we joked about how we were now breaking up on Independence Day and we'd gotten together on April Fool's Day. The next day I got in my car and drove ten hours back, feeling pretty good. And done.

On Independence Day 2010, I went on a full-day date with someone the Rules had tried their damnedest to weed out. The date was going to parties together, which makes sense for the 4th but is really not a date. Indeed, texting guy remarked on the way home about how great it was that he hadn't needed to spend any money all day long! (winner, huh)

The third and final party was located on the rooftop of the building where my ex lived for the duration of our relationship - a building that gave him 30 days notice to move out when his apartment got sold, which caused him to have to decide that he didn't want to live with me, which he knew would make me mad, which would thus create OMG a conflict, which the only way he could avoid was to break up with me when he came over to pick me up for dinner.

Incidentally, I think by that time texting guy and I were sick of each other. Our usual banter isn't sustainable for 10 hours. There were moments during the second half of the day when I sort of thought he was being a jerk on purpose, even. But standing on that rooftop thinking to myself that I was in my ex's ex-building on a night that had nothing to do with him was nice. As was kissing on the rooftop and in the building elevator.

Later on, texting guy and I went to my house and made out per usual, and for some reason he wanted to talk about the story of the day we met. In the course of the story someone's name came up that he didn't remember and it was driving him crazy so we went to the computer and looked that person up. He got pretty annoying at the computer, so at some point I was like "alright," in a conclusory fashion, and he was like "you want me to leave?" and I said "maybe." And basically he just left.

I feel done with that now. Texting guy might have the capacity to be a pretty good friend, and might be good in bed, but gosh, he's just kind of a bad date. Or just not that into me. I want something more than the chemistry we have. I have enough in my arsenal at this point to remember why I'm not doing this anymore, and turn him down if he calls again.

But gosh, today was a really great day. First, there was the two-for-one closure special, of course.

There was also a point when I wanted to see fireworks and texting guy drove really crazily to try to get down to where they were on time, and we drove to the perfect spot and watched the very end of them standing outside the car. It really was the perfect spot. It would have been a REALLY nice moment if I had been with someone with whom feelings beyond lust actually existed.

Which then reminded me of what I am looking for, and that this isn't it.

Independent, too busy to blog

Happy 4th! Instead of blogging in NYC, I spent the entire time dating and meeting people who know me only from my blog (or from the forums in which I whore it). This was awesome, but I have so much to say now and no time to say it. I'm also running out of time during the official experiment, which is supposed to be the interesting part, right? So I should make an effort to blog about it.

But it's 1:39 in the morning and I, ahem, have a date with texting guy tomorrow. Yes, he asked before Wednesday. And a holiday date's even more premium than Saturday night, right? Ok fine, he sort of ruined it by inviting me to stay over the night before too. But hey, I'm not doing that, so...

The reaction from my friends when I tell them I'll be with texting guy on the 4th is universally a load groan and incredulity as to why I would do this. The answers:

• I mean, I probably like him more than I let on. But I've tried hard to admit that possibility to myself and I'm still honestly not sure if it's accurate. This would usually be the true answer in my case.
  
• I do have FUN with the guy. I can't see myself in a real relationship with this man for reasons I have disclosed here and some I have not. Why not date for fun for a little? However, one friend swiftly poked a hole in this argument by reminding me that I said pretty much the exact same thing about the most recent ex.
  
• He asked me out for a Saturday-esque time FINALLY. I mean, don't I have to see what the hell that's like after all this??!!
• He is definitely the most interesting character in my blog, and I enjoy writing about him. (Actually I only really have two characters documented in the blog although there have been several more that I haven't had a chance to type up.) Texting guy is the Mr. Big to my Carrie. Sometimes I just have to go with that

But do not despair, non-fans of texting guy. I had an absolutely lovely date in NYC with a fixup, I have another first date the day after tomorrow, and I have three messages in my Jdate inbox waiting to be checked (but not until after the holiday is over)!