Defriend

Facebook guy changed his relationship status, and posted a couple-y profile picture.

I defriended.

The end.

PS - I don't think she's that pretty.

Epilogue - I have to work with fb guy on a smallish committee for the next two years. I was launched into that full force today when he was in the first of three breakout sessions with me, talking about Jewish identity in a group of five people. Oy. Awkward. At least I looked good.

Relief

Honestly, it is a huge relief to have fb guy out of my head. He never called me that often. He never expressed anything regarding how things were going until he called to tell me it was over. I'm now pretty sure he was never that into me. The Rules worked well to weed him out as a guy not that into me, even though I do believe he was a genuinely nice and good guy. It is wonderful not to have to think about him anymore.

But why did I put so much brainpower into him needlessly while it was going on? It was distracting and exhausting.

Pre-Rules me had few boundaries, emotional or physical. I fell fast and hard, immersing myself with abandon in my fantasies of him, drinking in as much communication and physical intimacy as I possibly could (short of sex until exclusivity was largely established). Rules me set up physical boundaries, stepping on the brakes as to literal contact. But, as I failed to realize until fb guy ended, my admirable adherence to my physical restrictions did not translate into emotional boundaries.

I have always been a strange mix of thought and emotion. Believe it or not (in fact, many of my close friends do not), my head rules my heart. It is my head, not my heart, that unbalances me every single time. This does not mean I am not emotionally sensitive - clearly, I am. But my most extreme emotional reactions occur as a result of my head's hostile invasion and ultimate conquest of my heart. On the rare occasions when I can figure out how to let go of my head and allow my heart to come to the surface, I can experience the kind of slow, healthy sadness that yields to calm acceptance.

As a child, I was a bit of an insomniac. Every little noise or thought kept me from falling asleep. Once I did, I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and feel completely out of control. One of my clearest mental images from my elementary school years is of me lying on my bed, moonlight glaring at me through the window, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and listening to late-night soft pop on the radio in futile attempt to distract myself from the crickets and house creaks and thoughts of house fires or my parents getting a divorce or my cat wandering off or infectious diseases, which stood between me and slumber. Eventually I would not be able to stand it anymore and would stride quietly down the hall to wake my mother up. Out of tiredness and frustration at her inability to provide me any relief, she would sometimes get angry and threaten to take me to a psychiatrist. I would cry in desperation. We would argue until the flying sparks exhausted me and I returned to my room to collapse on my bed, radio still playing.

(Footnote: I have a wonderful, amazing mother whose only flaw is taking the angst of her children personally.)

Even that young, my sleeping trick was to focus on a love interest. Imagining a boy taking care of me somehow took the edge off in a way that nothing else did. By middle school, I drifted off every night to thoughts of me and him - "him" being anyone from the boy I slow danced with to someone interesting from the playground.

My insomnia was gone by high school, coinciding in part with the beginning of my long string of monogamous relationships. Dreaming about a boy who demonstrated affection for me in real life felt even safer than the abstract fantasies of pre- and early adolescence. These conscious dreams, and these boys, began as sleeping pills and gradually bled into what seemed like every minute of every day. When I sensed one man's chapter ending, I sought out another as if on auto-pilot.

Even now, it is a rare night that I do not go to sleep thinking about some man or another. It is all I know how to do. Recognition of the havoc this wreaks on my mental state has been percolating slowly for some time. It has been particularly lucid post-fb guy; I have had three consecutive man-free nights since he cut me loose. Miraculously, I increasingly possess the ability to breathe deeply and be with myself through the night.

Maybe next time my boundaries can be emotional, too.

Soundtrack: Jem, Save Me; Regina Spektor, Fidelity; Destiny's Child, Emotions; KT Tunstall, Silent Sea

Seriously, this is a good thing. Let me tell you why.

This morning I went to a Jewish organization's community service day where there were multiple projects. Most people had chosen a project in advance, but I had made a game-time decision to go so I went to the pre-project brunch and scoped projects. One looked really interesting to me until I happened to glance down at the table and saw facebook guy's name on a nametag for that project. Ruled that project out. Didn't see him at the brunch, but did a pretty damn good job of not looking. The project I ultimately chose was conceptually similar to the one I'd rejected because of fb guy, except much much less convenient in terms of location. No matter; I had a fantastic time, was in my element, and also got to use a pressure washer. If you have not operated one of these things, I imagine it is similar to the feeling some people get when firing a gun.

Badass.

I was quite upset over fb guy on Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday morning (which I took off from work. But after a very busy Friday afternoon at work and giving a d'var Torah at services) I pretty much felt fine. I continued to pretty much feel fine through the weekend, even though his name and/or face kept popping up all over the damn place. These things were minor annoyances, not major heartbreaks.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that fb guy and I really weren't all that. I mean, that hadn't been made totally clear yet, of course, but a lot of what I was daydreaming was so great about him was in my own head. This bothers me somewhat, because one of the main points of this whole deal is that I'm trying to work on assessing things as they are. But it's good for me to realize it.

It's also good for me to have proof that not all breakup-like-things are like my last one. (I realize calling this a breakup is a bit of a stretch, but I mean, he called me and told me he wanted to not date me in order to date someone else!) I was very upset at first, but I bounced back quickly and unscathed. Most likely part of the reason I was that upset at first was fear of how upset I had been the last time around. It's a huge relief to know it's not always that bad.

Finally, running into fb guy with someone else so immediately after he rejected me for that person, and not even feeling the least bit like I wanted to cry about it, is self-affirming, and good practice for eventually running into the real Ex.

So fb guy's role in my life was to put me up against some of my fears and cause me to realize that I can handle them.

And maybe, somewhat recursively, to bring me closer to understanding the Ex's role in my life.

already?

Via text message:

Rulebreaker: [fb] is here a the jewish music fest w his new girl :(
Rulebreaker's bff: Rat bastard.
Rulebreaker's bff: You doin ok?
Rulebreaker: (attaches picture of self, new girl not included in picture) how do i look? hotter than her?
Rulebreaker's bff: Absolutely yes.
Rulebreaker: i'm pretty sure he is wearing the same shirt he wore on 2 of our 4 dates

OK, it's done

He met someone else. He called me and told me this in pretty much the nicest most unobjectionable way possible, so that I couldn't even have any anger about it. I'm left with simple sadness. He said that he probably would have kept dating me except that he wanted to see where this other thing went. He was complimentary to me and said that the timing was just off. I have never lost a cage match to another woman. It sucks.

I'm not sure if this action was particularly Rulesy - I guess it doesn't really matter at this point - but I logged into Jdate and replied to a message he sent me in November of 2008:

Off-timing indeed :)

I really liked you and I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I do appreciate your honesty and I wish you all the best. I got you a piece of flair (don't get too excited, it's a McDonald's happy meal toy), so I'll try to give that to you next time I see you.

-Rulebreaker

(the flair thing is something we had talked about before)

[EDITED 6/4] his response:

Hi Rulebreaker -

Thanks for the note and I appreciate you picking me up some flair. I have good feelings towards you and I am glad to know you feel the same.

I am sure I will see you soon,
FB
[e-mail address]

Do I Jdate "flirt" texting guy as a rebound? Nobody answered this one yet...

Low point

As may have been foreshadowed by the previous post, I hit a low point last night.

Before I describe it, let's just be clear that I do think that what happened to me last night/is happening to me now is an inevitable, necessary, and valuable part of the six months of Rules experiment. Especially if said experiment is ultimately going to be made into a movie with me played by a combination of Mary Pierce and Uma Thurman (AO reference). I am also cutting myself some slack on my reactions to it given what's going on at work right now. So, with that context...

FB guy called me last Friday night - 5 days from the previous contact. I thought we had a good conversation, which I ended after about 15 minutes. I was all "en aire," to use a phrase my best friend from childhood and I coined in 7th grade Spanish class.

Until Sunday. Then my anxiety started to increase again, building steadily until last night (another 5 days from last contact), by which time I was a virtual basket case and also going through a pretty tumultuous workweek. I turned my phone on silent and went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend. When I was feeling a nice level of tipsy, I bravely looked at my phone. On it was a missed call and a text from FB guy! "Hi - give a call when you can - [first initial]."

I was out and busy and really really should not have returned the call. Seriously, why did I return the call? Thus begins the slippery and treacherous slope of Rules fails.

He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I checked my phone in 5 minutes and had a missed call.

I called back immediately. He didn't pick up. By this point my hackles were up.

I monitored my phone closely until he called back a few minutes later. I picked it up on my way outside, but the background noise was audible.

The conversation is actually a bit foggy. He asked me if I was home, and I said, no, I was out with [girlfriend]. We engaged in some small talk that seemed pleasant to a fairly buzzed Rulebreaker. He then asked me what time I thought I'd be home or something to that effect, and I asked him how late he'd be up. He didn't give me an answer and told me that if it was too late we could just talk tomorrow. I cheerily said okay, and we hung up.

Almost immediately I started to feel like something was Wrong. As I walked back in all the pieces started falling together. The distant "Hi - give a call when you get a chance?" The unenthusiastic "We can talk tomorrow?" Facebook guy was calling to break up with me. I was sure of it.

At this point I started acting like a complete psycho in mixed company. I told my girlfriend that I might just leave soon to call him back. I tapped my foot impatiently. I was distracted from all conversation. My carotid artery was visibly pounding in my throat (note: this is a Criminal Procedure joke). I managed to suffer through this for a whopping half hour before I bolted to the bathroom and called him standing inside a stall.

He didn't pick up.

I returned to the table sans relief, now wound into a full-on frenzy. My slight intoxication had loosened my tear ducts. My eyes became glassy. I wiped runaway tears with my napkin, blowing my nose in a futile attempt to disguise it. I plastered a fake smile on and desperately tried to make eye contact with my dining companions, most of whom I'd never met. I whispered to my friend that I wanted to just take off, and she (probably smartly) told me I was not leaving without her and was in fact spending the night at her place. I checked my phone compulsively. Nothing.

My friend excused herself and me as quickly as reasonably possible to get us out of there, although I'm quite confident it was too late for me to be perceived as a sane person. I drove out of the parking lot while texting facebook guy "are you still up?" at 10:00 PM. I then drove twenty miles to my friend's house in the pouring rain, checking my phone, sobbing (yes, sobbing!!!!) and blasting Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" over and over.

My friend had mobilized (her word) our other friend, who arrived at the apartment shortly after we did. They laid down on either side of me in her bed and we watched the Golden Girls and I fell asleep. I had an absolutely ridiculous dream wherein (very brief synopsis) I looked at FB guy's FB profile and he had changed his relationship status to "engaged." I then defriended him, which showed up in the FB feed as "Rulebreaker has defriended FB guy because he changed his relationship status to engaged."

The next morning FB guy had not called/texted back.

Even so, I felt marginally better, went to work, and checked Jdate. After two weeks of no activity, FB guy had signed in 10 hours ago.

10 hours ago. Also known as after my 10:00 PM text message.

This of course confirmed my breakup call fears, and I flew off the handle again. I posted a somewhat abbreviated version of this post in the AO to keep myself from doing something crazy like calling/texting/emailing him (I detest false hope, so once I'm pretty certain something is bad news, I just want it to be DONE). The actuaries sensibly pointed out that I had nothing to gain from that aside from a mere 12-13 hours of relief. I managed to process this logically. My ability to process this logically made me feel better.

I did nothing, and have heard nothing.

All sorts of thoughts are now bouncing around in my head. They include the straightforward "he's just not that into me," the somewhat more self-deprecating "I pushed him away with these stupid f*cking Rules," the nervous "he went back to his ex girlfriend," the paranoid "OMG he found my blog," and the somewhat more optimistic "he found my Jdate profile."

Some silver linings - Although I did develop real feelings for him and am consequently suffering some amount of heartbreak, I can still view him as a character in my blog. This provides some comfort to me even as I am alarmed at my unhinged reaction. Also, I now have inspiration for singing my solo in my a cappella group. Sorry, can't tell you what song it is, but that should at least amuse my readers who do know. Most significantly, it is always pleasant to be reminded that I have truly amazing friends.

RIP Rulebreaker + FB guy. Not technically flatlined yet, but probably a vegetable whose plug will be pulled sometime later today.

Loca

Dear facebook guy,

Thanks for reminding me how I'm still really impatient and insecure and obsessive and crazy. I really appreciate that, because I was starting to feel like I had actually made some progress in the independence and self-confidence arenas. Anyhow, due to the crazy, I decided to distract myself from you by joining Jdate again. When I did, I was surprised to see that in fact I had never fully taken my Jdate profile down and I had about 50 messages in my inbox.

Two of them were from you. One from November 2008 (a week before I got back together with my ex) and one was from August 2007 (a week before I went exclusive with my ex the first time).

Um, not fair, I just paid $80 to STOP thinking about you -- for at least four months with a $39.99 monthly renewal rate -- not to discover little cute things that push my thoughts ominously in the direction of "we barely missed each other twice before and are now finally coming around to our ultimate destiny in the universe."

Reading back over old e-mails with texting guy - yes, I actually almost went out with texting guy in 2007 as well - was fun and somewhat educational. The percentage of guys I recognize on the site is refreshingly lower than I feared (now that I've gotten pretty involved in Jewish activities, etc.). There are even some decent ones, although I really am not going to get into the business of browsing profile pictures due to the Rules. Yeah, I'm still trying to salvage those for the next exactly two months from today.

But the approximately eight times I have signed on to Jdate between paying for it last night in a huff of frustration at not having heard from you for four days and writing you this message that you'll never see, the first thing I do is check your profile to make sure you haven't signed onto Jdate since I last did. So far you haven't. You last signed in nine days ago, or last Wednesday, the day you called me before our Friday date. I mean, why would you need to sign into Jdate right before we went out on our fourth date? What the hell?

Also, I'm guessing you haven't figured out that [Rulebreakerjdatescreenname] and I are the same person. Would you have told me if you had? I'm honestly not sure about that one, but since your second Jdate message to me did not seem to acknowledge the first - and was after I had changed my profile picture - I'm assuming you just don't know.

Well, next time you sign on, you will most likely see me if you perform a search. Jdate tends to inform you if a girl in your search criteria has updated her profile. But facebook guy, what could you possibly be searching for? Are you just not that into me?


.
.
.
.
.

Gosh, look at the time. I've got a really early day, lots to do, so I must be going now!

<3
Rulebreaker

Security does not exist in absolute form

It is useful information to me to know that I still tend to be really anxious about not knowing when I'll next see or hear from someone I like. And then when I get anxious, I start to get anxious that I really like the person. And then that makes me more anxious.

Of course, this makes no logical sense. As a divorced person (thankfully I didn't end up having to put *this* on my mortgage paperwork), I more than many others my age know that the proposition of knowing you will be with someone forever is inherently false. Someone can stop loving you after making that commitment. Or they can get hit by a bus. One cannot live life trying to derive personal security from external sources that circumstances can always take away. The only place to find that is within.

Suffice to say, panicking that I don't know when a guy is going to call me for a fifth date--at 3:15 AM twenty minutes after the fourth date ended in making out against the door of my front coat closet--is among the most absurd reactions I've had recently. But I'm sort of glad I documented it.

On a totally and completely unrelated note, what does a Rules Girl do with a guy who leaves the toilet seat up in his house and my house? I have actually never dated a toilet-seat-leaver-upper before. My tentative answer: say nothing until you're in a relationship, then only if you care about it a lot.

sad!

I don't really know what to write other than, I think I got prematurely excited about facebook guy, who has basically canceled or changed up both nights this weekend, and who hasn't asked to see me again even though he knows I'm going out of town for a week. The 2nd cancellation was pretty good practice for me at being light and breezy in the face of disappointment. I don't think I was 100% successful. It just caught me off guard. It was a good reason I suppose, I just wasn't expecting it. And there's always that nagging "he wouldn't have even thought of canceling or changing for any reason if he was that into you."

I really really like fb guy, but I'm not a huge fan of how things went down re this weekend. His pattern indicates he'll call tomorrow or Sunday, but I had really looked forward to seeing him all week, and now I have no clue when I'm going to again. I feel like maybe I need to step back from this even if he does call. This feels quite unpleasant!

I would say I've bent the Rules with fb guy but not completely broken them. I haven't let things get too far physically, I haven't talked about relationship stuff at all. I've let him do all the calling and all the planning to the extent it's possible at all. But I stay out on dates for a long time, it hasn't been entirely clear who's ended the date, etc., and I pretty much act like I like him a lot.

The hard part about this experiment is that when things go south, the Rules wants me to blame my Rules failures. And that ends up translating into blaming myself. There's some internal tension between the implicit "you fucked up the Rules and he poofed" and the "he'll either love you or he won't," both of which are clearly present undertones in the books.

I'm not gonna lie, this shit is hard! But I'll feel better in the morning. I have awesome friends and a cool house and new boots.

Rules GPA slipping steadily...

We're almost at 4/6 months, and I have achieved a fundamental competence in the principles underlying the Rules. With the exception of the whole demureness issue (note, though, that in NOT falling over or dropping stuff nearly as often as usual, I have improved my demure quotient substantially), have so proven in my actions. Where I screw up, I know I'm screwing up.

Most of all, I have Rules girl-league-confidence. I don't feel pressure to do things I don't want to do. I feel good about my self-restraint in declining to do things I do want to do but are too fast or overly indulgent. I don't get too insecure about whether a guy really likes me. Indeed, when I do break the Rules, I'm doing it because I want to and have calculated that my action does not violate the Rules's basic precepts.

But ... I don't wanna be a Rules girl anymore. I wanna be facebook guy's girlfriend. *whine*

Facebook guy asked me out the past two Tuesdays for Saturday. The dates, albeit much longer than permitted (think 2-3 AM), were really great. I have tentative plans with him this weekend and he asked me to a party on short notice that I couldn't go to because I have plans. I've hesitated on writing about any of this because a) I don't want to jinx it, and b) somewhat contrary to (a), I feel like it's going somewhere and I'm imagining having to let him read this at some point.

Yes, yes, I'm indulging in thoughts, but I'm doing it to avoid indulging in facebook guy himself. And I'm better at turning them off when I try to.

Meanwhile, texting guy called a week and a half after the last call (which I had returned after an hour despite the Rules), was apologetic, asked if he could call me next week, and hasn't called eleven days later. To quote a friend, "Texting guy exists to jerk you around."

And, I don't really have anything else going on.

And, I don't care.

The Wednesday Rule

I have not gotten very many Saturday night date requests during this experiment. Therefore I have really not had to address the notorious "Wednesday Rule" as such.

The Wednesday Rule, among the simplest, is probably the Rule most quoted by people who don't know much about the Rules: Do not accept a Saturday night date after a Wednesday.

Corollaries addressed within the Rules (implicitly or explicitly):

• Don't return a call before you otherwise would (applying the Rules) to artificially meet this deadline.
• Tell him you have plans, even if your "plans" are cleaning your apartment.
• It is helpful to actually make plans with girlfriends for Saturday night so that you do not have to think about how you will be cleaning your apartment on Saturday night while turning down the date invitation.

Non-Rules people hold up the Wednesday Rule as the prototypical illustration of the Rules's absurdity. This bright-line Rule leaves no doubt that the Rules are nothing but mind games, and that Rules Girls are manipulating men, they say. Shock! Horror!

I'll reserve ruling on the merits of the Wednesday Rule for the moment, but suffice to say that one of the complaints about the Rule is that there is little discretion involved. It's too black-and-white.

Leave it to my life to make this complicated.

Via e-mail (relevant portions, not verbatim)

FB guy - Tuesday: Will you be around this weekend?
Me - Wednesday : Yep
FB guy - Thursday: Want to do something Saturday night?
Me - *headdesk*

Technically he asked me about the weekend before the Wednesday deadline. I was considering using this as a loophole to accept the date, but PRG set me straight. He did not book me Tuesday or Wednesday, so I had to say no. I did so on Friday, and felt HORRIBLE about it for pretty much the entire day. Then on Saturday night I watched "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" DVDs at my sisters' apartment.

This week (I'll just skip the somewhat weird results from my saying Saturday wasn't good for me), he called me on Tuesday and asked me out for Saturday. Good, right? Well, he wants to do something in the afternoon followed by early dinner.

The Rules free me from worrying about his motives or whatnot, there could be several and I highly doubt he has another date after me. The important question is what do the Rules say I do about this?

• I have to end the date first. If I suspect he might have plans afterward, this could be tricky.
• I cannot accept a spontaneous invitation to hang out with him afterward.
• Arguably, if he changes things up on me and calls Thursday or Friday to say he wants to have a later dinner instead, I can't accept this.
  

This all points to me making late night plans for Saturday night, and then sticking to them after the "early dinner."

Fascinating.

Rule Breaker, Single Person

I'm a homeowner as of 13 hours ago. I have a little one-story bungalow with a mostly fenced in backyard and a little deck. It is adorable and it is so me. And now it is mine - I own it as "[Rule Breaker], Single Person." Apparently Georgia law requires such designation.

I saw that on all the paperwork and laughed a little at the irony. I have never ever been known as "Rule Breaker, Single Person." I am "Rule Breaker, Codependent Relationship Person." Or I was - I am no longer. I am buying a house alone. I am moving into it alone tomorrow.

This is not what I imagined about buying a house, but I have finally come to embrace those deviations life throws at me. For the rest of the day, I entertained my friends with "Rule Breaker, Single Person." And, in spite of everything -- and there was a lot -- it was a good day.

Saturday night date invitation Thursday at 5:00 PM. Facebook guy. Broke my heart to turn it down.

I did so with light and breezy regret. There is a semblance of legitimacy to my decision to decline, because I haven't slept in about 42 hours and I have to move during the day on Saturday. By Saturday night I am probably going to be in no shape for a date.

His response was quick but a little friend-zone-y. In my exhausted state, it crushed me just a little bit. Despite what I just got done saying, there's got to be a statute of limitations after which the guy's going to be like, ok, this isn't taking off for some reason - he either won't know why or won't want to put up with the games.

I just keep reminding myself, if he really wants me he will make it happen. And if I'm wrong and lose the potential because of it, it's a lesson I needed to learn and a feeling of self-deprivation I should be living with on a more regular basis.

Rule Breaker, Single Person is going to be just fine in her little cottage. Come visit!

Ass out of you and me

One thing I've noticed on a fairly consistent basis is that everyone thinks if Guy X doesn't contact you within a certain period of time, he's never going to. That is, your friends will write the guy off as poofed after this magic amount of time, which my anecdotal experience suggests is approximately a week. Trying to take my cues from these vibes, albeit implicit (except when I posted the question on the loveshack forums awhile back), I have likewise assumed (see title) that a poof has taken place after about a week, sometimes less.

Thus far, I have been 100% wrong.

The Rules invented the concept of "poof," but (as I think I've said before), it's abstract. They pointedly do not prescribe a time period after which you are permitted to assume that the guy's not going to contact you again. When they discuss poofing in the book, they are always talking about long-ago lessons learned by girls who broke the Rules, a la "she broke the Rules, and never heard from him again. Poof!" But generally the girls used as examples in the Rules books are now Rules girls who despite their former transgressions, eventually applied the Rules correctly and found Rules husbands. There are no unhappy endings in the pages of the Rules.

If you think about it, the general lack of a timeline fits. You're not supposed to sit around and wonder if so-and-so is going to call tonight. You're supposed to live your damn life, and who really cares how long it takes him to call? Someone else will call sooner and he'll lose out. As long as you follow the Rules, you're not going to end up with him if he doesn't totally love you, so kick back, relax, and let the best man win!

The Rules only starts the "clock" when you become exclusive with someone. At that point the timeline is important, and you are only allowed to give him a year to pop the question. This also makes sense, because when you are in a committed relationship you are losing out on dating and possibly finding someone else.

But we're nowhere near there yet.

Living my single life without regard to whether guys I think might call me call me is easier said than done, of course. I suffer a moment or two of disappointment every night when I don't hear from anyone. For anyone who's counting, that's a moment or two of disappointment every night except three for the past month.

Some recent strange mixed resurrections that have gone on in my life:

• Facebook guy, after I whined to my friends all weekend about how he hadn't contacted me since, facebook messaged me Sunday night.
• Texting guy, after our lengthy PG makeout session last week, called me Monday night. I broke the Rules and called him back an hour later when I was done with my meeting. I left a voicemail saying I was returning his call. He has not called back, three days later. WHO DOES THAT?
  
• Dodgeball guy who e-mailed me randomly in January and failed the four-email requirement e-mailed me randomly again. ???? Even stranger, I'm pretty sure that guy had a girlfriend the last time I saw him. This raises the question of whether I get a four-email reboot with this guy. If he's even trying to date me at all.
  

Speaking of resurrections, although not prospects, my bizarrely brilliant ex-boyfriend found a way to give me a little closure. After over four months of no contact whatsoever aside from that random party, he nominated me for something without telling me, (likely) knowing I would have to call to find out my nominator's name in order to actually apply. I was shocked and annoyed at first. It sank in shortly thereafter and I realized that it was actually quite predictable coming from him. When I woke up the next morning, I felt an indescribable lifting of my feelings of resentment. In packing up my house to move in two days (!), I encountered some sentimental items that three days ago, I would have ripped up or burned. Instead, I just put them in a box with some other sentimental things from family and friends without any wrenching feelings or unpleasantness.

There are a couple of other tiny little things going on with me, but I'll save those for a post I can tie them into the theme of. Interestingly, I'm finding myself in a recursion - the Rules is making me happier and happier with me, but the happier and happier I get with me, the less I feel like I need the Rules and the harder it is to do them because I feel like I'm confident enough to handle the rejection I was previously trying to avoid. Um, I suppose this is also what happens with people and anti-psychotic drugs.

I have started slipping on Rules in various ways as of late:

• The obvious one, flirting shamelessly and making out with texting guy.
• Texting texting guy back when he sent me a post-make-out text (after 24 hours and just a smiley face).
• Calling texting guy back after an hour.
  
• Messaging facebook guy back after 12 hours instead of 24 (on the second round).
• Responding to Dr. eharmony's guided communication twice after 12 hours instead of 24. (This is a doctor I'm on round 3 of guided communication with. I am long overdue for an eharmony post.)
• Being RIDICULOUSLY un-Rules-y with that friend I posted about before.
  
• Having other strong urges to break the Rules and feeling less motivated by my 6-month commitment or my blog not to.
  

I have even thought more than once over the past week or so, maybe I should free myself from this self-imposed incarceration at 3 months.

I think I'll incorporate much more of the Rules into my life once I'm done with my six months, but there are definitely certain things I will do differently. But I won't know unless I keep trying. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm probably going to fail a little more than I would have a month ago :)

Books > Boys

One week back from out of town, and every single prospect I had seems to have poofed. And you know what? That's okay. I have replaced them with books. On my trip I read four print and two audiobooks. Since I returned I've read 1/2 a print book and one CD of an audiobook. I also find myself diverting conversations with friends from boys to books.

I'm a little bit disappointed, especially about facebook guy; and a little bit hopeful that some might still be interested; but mostly I'm feeling really proud that I don't think about it all the time. Slowly but surely, that pesky association between singledom and desolation is severed.

In other words, the Rules is accomplishing the primary purpose I had set out for it.

But let's go a little deeper into the triple-poofing that I have just endured. There are some mitigating factors at play.

1) In the "tag, you're it" a.k.a. normal world, I am the one whose turn it is to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. For all three of them. (Technically four, but I'm not interested in the fourth.)
2) I was gone for awhile, and therefore it makes even more sense for me to be the one to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. Again, for all three of them.

3) Drumroll.... For facebook guy,

• I did not return one text and one phone call in the two days after the date that indicated that he hoped to talk to me soon and had a good time and wanted to see me when I got back.
  
• I e-mailed him three days later and said see you when I get back, have a nice week.
  
• He e-mailed me three days later and said great, and asked me a small-talk-y question.
• Sixteen days passed.
  

Did the Rules require me to be so stingy in my communication with him? I would argue yes, at least the spirit. I wasn't even going to send the one e-mail but college friend convinced me that I should. But it sounds extreme on paper, doesn't it?? Nonetheless, I do tend to believe that if he were thinking about me, he would give me a call when he knew I was back in town (as he must by now unless he's not thinking about me at all). Even though I didn't return his last e-mail.

Upon returning, two friends who know facebook guy, one girl and one guy, asked me if I'd heard from him. I said no. The girl said that I should call him. The guy said he's an idiot, to which I responded, well, he might still call, I hope he doesn't think I don't like him since I didn't get a chance to call before I left or something. Then the guy made the comment that "[facebook guy] has options."

Which made me feel pretty good about the decision not to e-mail him back.

Anyway, I am likely to run into facebook guy, and texting guy, and possibly even guy #3 that I haven't really talked about much, at various events. So I'll probably eventually get a sense of whether the poofing is final.

In the meantime, plenty of novels beckon.

(second) First date scorecard: A-

I have improved my GPA slightly since my last first date. In any event, although I swear I am trying to do the Rules to the best of my ability, I secretly hope I never get better than an A-. The marginal utility of Rulesiness above A- would probably squash my personality more than I'd like. That said, I did pretty damn well on this one.

Rule #5: Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls: B+

He called on a weeknight, I called back on the next night, also a weeknight. He e-mailed the plan of the date (!), and I wrote back the next day saying that sounded fun -- no exclamation points or emoticons or unnecessary sentences. He texted asking for my address the day of, and I texted him back 2.3 hours later - note that I am allowed to text him because he has already asked for a Saturday night date. Boy, is it liberating to be able to text.

Rule #6: Always End Phone Calls First: B

I was sort of sick of the Rules after the conversation with Rules-resistant texting guy (who really has poofed this time), and I think I took it out on my phone call with this guy. I called him while driving, and talked to him for the length of the ride, 18 minutes. I also spoke fairly freely, and told him what I was doing that week. I didn't really end that call first, either, because after we finalized the date, it sort of ended itself. But he didn't really end it either.


Rule #7: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday: A

I didn't, but there's not much more to it than that.

Rule #8: Fill Up Your Time Before the Date: A

I worked, I cleaned, I ran errands, I didn't shower until an hour before and was putting my makeup on right up until time.

Rule #4: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date: A

As I have alluded to if not stated outright, this is more of a Rule for him than for me. But he picked me up and never suggested otherwise; he paid and it was completely non-awkward.

Rule #9: How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3: A/A-

(A better breakdown of the elements of this Rule is here).

• When nervousness about the date popped into my head, I shut it down pretty quickly and was able to concentrate on getting ready in time - because I almost wasn't!
• I let him do all the work, including running down and getting something for me out of the car, which he offered to do. He didn't pull up my chair but that would have been weird in the setting. He picked the restaurant but asked me if I liked it, he took charge and found us seats in the bar area when the place, which did not take reservations, was too crowded.
  
• I didn't tell him about what I'd been doing all day. When he asked, I responded honestly but didn't give him a big play-by-play.
• I acted nonchalantly, but he was really paying attention to me and would ask me about it whenever I smiled to myself or looked pensive in any sense. I had good answers for him and thought it was kind of cute that he noticed me like that.
• I did not invite him up to my place on the first date, even though he sort of hinted that he'd like to (not in a sketchy way). I was extremely proud of this because pre-Rules me would have definitely allowed the date to continue when he suggested it. (I should note that pre-Rules me would not have had sex on a first date, but I honestly don't think that's what he meant).
  
• The Rules say to try not to get too hung up on one guy. I am dating at least one other guy right now, although it's very hard for me to LIKE more than one at a time. And this guy is the one I LIKE right now. Siigh.
  

Rule #3: Don't Stare at Men or Talk too Much: A/A-

I was REALLY impressed with myself on this one because it's the hardest for me. I didn't make too much eye contact, but there was enough. I made jokes sometimes, but they were clever and generally subtle. Demure jokes, as it were. I talked at length and enthusiastically on occasion (as I am of course wont to do), but only when we were having some good back-and-forth on a particular subject. We talked about politics some, and religion some, but he brought it up. And my biggest triumph of the night - I did not try to fill silences. I waited patiently for him to continue the conversation. I "followed his lead."

Rule #11: Always End the Date First: A

Man was I ever proud of myself on this one. It was after 4.5 hours (but it was a dinner + show date, so not meeting my 4 hour cutoff can be excused), but I breezily said "should we head out?" and we did.

When are you free?

All three guys who have asked me out so far (we'll refer to them as texting guy, facebook guy, and eharmony guy) have done so by asking "when are you free?"

In one sense, this epitomizes Rule #4, which is that the guy should want to do things at your convenience. In another sense, it's lazy and shifts the burden to you to secure the prestigious and elusive Saturday night date.

Question 1: How does a Rules Girl handle?

With texting guy, the first time I just told him - it was easy enough because I only had one day free that week. The second and third time I shifted the burden right back to him to propose a date. Which he sort of failed at, and never once suggested Saturday.

Having practiced this burden-shifting maneuver, I used it on facebook guy when he asked me when I was free to get "drinks." I said this week was really busy, when did he think he wanted to go. He threw out Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. I responded that Thursday I had plans, and told him what they were (d'oh, I have got to stop doing this), so the weekend was better. He said, ok, you want to do Saturday?

And lo, my first Saturday night date was scheduled. At first I felt a little bad about it, like I had tricked him into asking me for Saturday night. That said, he did suggest it, and it was before Wednesday when he did so, and it does say something that he's willing to go for the premium slot for a first date. Also, he didn't have a real plan on the phone, but e-mailed me one the next day, and it was more than "drinks." So, I'm not complaining.

When eharmony guy asked when I was free, I again turned the question back on him. He told me when he couldn't go. I responded by babbling truthfully about my busy schedule, my two-week impending business trip, and how I only had one possible time free before I left (SO bad at this part). We left it at tentatively for then, but for him to call again.

Question 2: Is this acceptable behavior for a guy?

My tentative answer is yeah, for a first date. Asking "will you go out with me Saturday night" or even "will you go out with me Thursday night" seems a little formal. "Want to get a drink tomorrow night" is less so, but it's also pretty spontaneous and less respectful of your schedule.

I think it changes for subsequent dates, but I haven't totally made up my mind. If the guy is still doing this on the third or fourth date, as texting guy did, it's probably not a good sign.

PS, After reflection and a little more development of texting guy's storyline, I think Lipman/Brody is totally right in his last comment. I am working on a long post explaining why. I appreciate criticism, so please don't hold back :)

PPS, happy 3-month-single-versary to me. I am now officially single longer than I have been since I was 15.

Cute or not?

OK, can I just say that I think it's kind of adorable that some guy I've never met saw me on facebook RSVPs, saw that we had mutual friends, added me, messaged me, and asked me out within the requisite time frame? I know that facebook can in theory be used for this purpose, I just have not seen it. I sort of can't wait to go out with him.

Meanwhile, I can't shake the feeling that blogging about these guys has got to jinx it in some way. Second date this past weekend with the guy you all told me I should "next" was strange. I am going to wait to write about it until I'm pretty sure he's not going to call again (I'd say if he doesn't call before this weekend, it's done).