Low point

As may have been foreshadowed by the previous post, I hit a low point last night.

Before I describe it, let's just be clear that I do think that what happened to me last night/is happening to me now is an inevitable, necessary, and valuable part of the six months of Rules experiment. Especially if said experiment is ultimately going to be made into a movie with me played by a combination of Mary Pierce and Uma Thurman (AO reference). I am also cutting myself some slack on my reactions to it given what's going on at work right now. So, with that context...

FB guy called me last Friday night - 5 days from the previous contact. I thought we had a good conversation, which I ended after about 15 minutes. I was all "en aire," to use a phrase my best friend from childhood and I coined in 7th grade Spanish class.

Until Sunday. Then my anxiety started to increase again, building steadily until last night (another 5 days from last contact), by which time I was a virtual basket case and also going through a pretty tumultuous workweek. I turned my phone on silent and went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend. When I was feeling a nice level of tipsy, I bravely looked at my phone. On it was a missed call and a text from FB guy! "Hi - give a call when you can - [first initial]."

I was out and busy and really really should not have returned the call. Seriously, why did I return the call? Thus begins the slippery and treacherous slope of Rules fails.

He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I checked my phone in 5 minutes and had a missed call.

I called back immediately. He didn't pick up. By this point my hackles were up.

I monitored my phone closely until he called back a few minutes later. I picked it up on my way outside, but the background noise was audible.

The conversation is actually a bit foggy. He asked me if I was home, and I said, no, I was out with [girlfriend]. We engaged in some small talk that seemed pleasant to a fairly buzzed Rulebreaker. He then asked me what time I thought I'd be home or something to that effect, and I asked him how late he'd be up. He didn't give me an answer and told me that if it was too late we could just talk tomorrow. I cheerily said okay, and we hung up.

Almost immediately I started to feel like something was Wrong. As I walked back in all the pieces started falling together. The distant "Hi - give a call when you get a chance?" The unenthusiastic "We can talk tomorrow?" Facebook guy was calling to break up with me. I was sure of it.

At this point I started acting like a complete psycho in mixed company. I told my girlfriend that I might just leave soon to call him back. I tapped my foot impatiently. I was distracted from all conversation. My carotid artery was visibly pounding in my throat (note: this is a Criminal Procedure joke). I managed to suffer through this for a whopping half hour before I bolted to the bathroom and called him standing inside a stall.

He didn't pick up.

I returned to the table sans relief, now wound into a full-on frenzy. My slight intoxication had loosened my tear ducts. My eyes became glassy. I wiped runaway tears with my napkin, blowing my nose in a futile attempt to disguise it. I plastered a fake smile on and desperately tried to make eye contact with my dining companions, most of whom I'd never met. I whispered to my friend that I wanted to just take off, and she (probably smartly) told me I was not leaving without her and was in fact spending the night at her place. I checked my phone compulsively. Nothing.

My friend excused herself and me as quickly as reasonably possible to get us out of there, although I'm quite confident it was too late for me to be perceived as a sane person. I drove out of the parking lot while texting facebook guy "are you still up?" at 10:00 PM. I then drove twenty miles to my friend's house in the pouring rain, checking my phone, sobbing (yes, sobbing!!!!) and blasting Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" over and over.

My friend had mobilized (her word) our other friend, who arrived at the apartment shortly after we did. They laid down on either side of me in her bed and we watched the Golden Girls and I fell asleep. I had an absolutely ridiculous dream wherein (very brief synopsis) I looked at FB guy's FB profile and he had changed his relationship status to "engaged." I then defriended him, which showed up in the FB feed as "Rulebreaker has defriended FB guy because he changed his relationship status to engaged."

The next morning FB guy had not called/texted back.

Even so, I felt marginally better, went to work, and checked Jdate. After two weeks of no activity, FB guy had signed in 10 hours ago.

10 hours ago. Also known as after my 10:00 PM text message.

This of course confirmed my breakup call fears, and I flew off the handle again. I posted a somewhat abbreviated version of this post in the AO to keep myself from doing something crazy like calling/texting/emailing him (I detest false hope, so once I'm pretty certain something is bad news, I just want it to be DONE). The actuaries sensibly pointed out that I had nothing to gain from that aside from a mere 12-13 hours of relief. I managed to process this logically. My ability to process this logically made me feel better.

I did nothing, and have heard nothing.

All sorts of thoughts are now bouncing around in my head. They include the straightforward "he's just not that into me," the somewhat more self-deprecating "I pushed him away with these stupid f*cking Rules," the nervous "he went back to his ex girlfriend," the paranoid "OMG he found my blog," and the somewhat more optimistic "he found my Jdate profile."

Some silver linings - Although I did develop real feelings for him and am consequently suffering some amount of heartbreak, I can still view him as a character in my blog. This provides some comfort to me even as I am alarmed at my unhinged reaction. Also, I now have inspiration for singing my solo in my a cappella group. Sorry, can't tell you what song it is, but that should at least amuse my readers who do know. Most significantly, it is always pleasant to be reminded that I have truly amazing friends.

RIP Rulebreaker + FB guy. Not technically flatlined yet, but probably a vegetable whose plug will be pulled sometime later today.