All three guys who have asked me out so far (we'll refer to them as texting guy, facebook guy, and eharmony guy) have done so by asking "when are you free?"
In one sense, this epitomizes Rule #4, which is that the guy should want to do things at your convenience. In another sense, it's lazy and shifts the burden to you to secure the prestigious and elusive Saturday night date.
Question 1: How does a Rules Girl handle?
With texting guy, the first time I just told him - it was easy enough because I only had one day free that week. The second and third time I shifted the burden right back to him to propose a date. Which he sort of failed at, and never once suggested Saturday.
Having practiced this burden-shifting maneuver, I used it on facebook guy when he asked me when I was free to get "drinks." I said this week was really busy, when did he think he wanted to go. He threw out Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. I responded that Thursday I had plans, and told him what they were (d'oh, I have got to stop doing this), so the weekend was better. He said, ok, you want to do Saturday?
And lo, my first Saturday night date was scheduled. At first I felt a little bad about it, like I had tricked him into asking me for Saturday night. That said, he did suggest it, and it was before Wednesday when he did so, and it does say something that he's willing to go for the premium slot for a first date. Also, he didn't have a real plan on the phone, but e-mailed me one the next day, and it was more than "drinks." So, I'm not complaining.
When eharmony guy asked when I was free, I again turned the question back on him. He told me when he couldn't go. I responded by babbling truthfully about my busy schedule, my two-week impending business trip, and how I only had one possible time free before I left (SO bad at this part). We left it at tentatively for then, but for him to call again.
Question 2: Is this acceptable behavior for a guy?
My tentative answer is yeah, for a first date. Asking "will you go out with me Saturday night" or even "will you go out with me Thursday night" seems a little formal. "Want to get a drink tomorrow night" is less so, but it's also pretty spontaneous and less respectful of your schedule.
I think it changes for subsequent dates, but I haven't totally made up my mind. If the guy is still doing this on the third or fourth date, as texting guy did, it's probably not a good sign.
PS, After reflection and a little more development of texting guy's storyline, I think Lipman/Brody is totally right in his last comment. I am working on a long post explaining why. I appreciate criticism, so please don't hold back :)
PPS, happy 3-month-single-versary to me. I am now officially single longer than I have been since I was 15.
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ReplyDelete3 months? Congrats! That is a pretty big deal for you (given what you have said on this blog). I know holding out for the right guy will eventually pay off for you.
ReplyDeleteYou show up as lipman now, or at least you did on the comment I'm referring to (and these).
ReplyDeleteNow what are your thoughts on the questions I asked? :P
So, regardless of whether we decide the "any day this week" tactic is acceptable or preferable or bush league, I'd just like to say:
ReplyDeleteIf any guys out there are reading, fyi, it is really attractive if you call and ask if we're free on a certain night for dinner, or whatever. It's confident and simple. It's like leading a slow dance. Have a backup in mind if you like (Busy Friday? What about a quick drink after work on Tuesday?), but let's all quit this tiring habit of explicating our schedules for each other (Oh, that's too bad about Friday.... Saturday my sister is having a dinner party and she MAY want me to help out but I'm not sure what time it starts so I can't do anything that night, and Sunday is game day, and Monday is my buddy's birthday... so Tuesday I'm free if you wanted to try to do something that day...) Same with asking what my week looks like first before you ask if I'd like to do something with you. (Of course I know I should respond to this with something vague but honest under the Rules, but my execution is always lacking in this situation and I inevitably end up spluttering some unnecessarily contrived cocktail of disclaimers to disclamers - oh, it's busy, but in a fun way, not terribly, you know, but just lots to do, but all work stuff, or mostly work stuff, a few evenings open...) After you've indirectly asked me to summarize when I'm not free and why, or after you've told me your seventeen reasons you can't do something one day, I feel like you expect me to share the same detailed information with you. And it's definitely not the end of the world, of course, sometimes it's cute even, I'm just saying that it's kind of great when guys don't need so much conversation for one tiny date.
The guys I have been most attracted to and excited to see (on ANY night of the week) have asked me out for one night - and it's just a matter of using fewer words. If you're confident, it comes naturally for me to follow your lead, and, all of a sudden we're dancing.
RB, I got no answers for you here. I always had a night picked out, with a backup night as well. Of course I didn't have near the social calendar that you do, so I had a lot more free nights to pick from.
ReplyDeleteI think you might have to be a little bit flexible with the rules here, because it seems unfair if a guy (who knows what he is doing) calls up and asks you out for Tuesday..."Can't, I have other plans"... How about Friday..."Work party"...How about next Monday..."Business trip"...How about...
So maybe saying something along the lines of "I am free Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday nights" and leaving it at that.
Haha lipman, you sound like a varsity dater. I think your ranks are dwindling due to modern technology. I do wish someone would just do what you say you did, call for a specific night and then have a backup. But I think men - even "boyfriend material" type men - have grown extremely lazy in this regard. Either that or you had much more self-confidence than the type of guys I tend to be attracted to. Either that or you dated a REALLY LONG time ago before men morphed into texting maniacs. Either that or no one has ever been "that into" me/I have never applied the Rules to train them. :)
ReplyDeleteI posted another comment on the previous entry that addresses your most recent one, check it out.
Congrats on three months! I experienced being a serial monogamist before marriage, and I think if I could do it all over again, I definitely would have wanted time to myself and definitely more time with friends rather than spending so much time worrying over whatever guy I was dating at the time. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy last first date was in 2004, and I remember thinking back then that texting was for finding friends in a crowded bar and not much else.
ReplyDeleteSo my views might be a little "old fashioned", but I honestly think I would still call a girl I just met, not text her.
I read your other comment. I especially liked the part where you said Lipman was right :D Hopefully you weren't too wrapped up in that guy. Even if the 3 prospects you have lined up don't work out, everything will work out in the end. Just remember your motives for dating (do you really want to get married? are you just looking to have fun? etc) and find somebody who is of the same mindset.
So... I'm way behind on my reading, but I will say this has been a real problem for me lately.
ReplyDelete1) I had a guy call and ask me out for a drink last night (probably only because I didn't call him back on Wednesday when he asked me to (doh, just realizing this now) or Thursday, because I was too busy (he left me alone with just one text thurs), and then finally Friday a text and I called back. Then I turned him down for Saturday night because it was too short notice. And who created that problem... me! beacuse of my "too-busy" schedule. happy and busy has backfired because I didn't follow-up timely and i suspect, based on previous experience with this guy, if I had he would have asked me out in plenty of time for a saturday night date. I blew it.
Also, I am so buys that I really wanted the night off. Which is hard for some poor guy who knows you're on borrowed time anyway. I need to re-think this unavailability for phone calls thing--even when it's true.
2)the other guy, professed his interest in me full-heartedly at a dinner party that he invited me to. And before I left made it clear he "had to see me again soon", how about tuesday (busy), wednesday (busy), skip my thing on tuesday and see him instead (nope, sorry). I said, "call me and we'll make a plan." He then texted me on Tuesday. no call. Then he texted me Friday night. No call. Both times texting, I was just getting on the road. And yes, I did respond at first. (He knows I text because we have texted briefly prior to him divulging his interest in me.) Then I told him I was driving and couldn't text anymore. Wondering if that seems like a blow off.
I'm afraid, I'm not giving these guys enough credit. They both asked for specific nights, but I was busy. And one asked for both Friday and Saturday, but I was busy. and the weekend guy asked me about Satuday and I said (on friday afternoon), "gee, I'm not sure. I meant to look at my schedule before I called you back, but I forgot. I find it hard to believe I don't have something already. I usually book every spare minute I have." Duh!!! I'm SOOOO bad about being vague, especially when my "busy" is self-imposed to server a purpose of something specific I need to do and not an actual date conflict. It's a personal conflict.
Anyway, not sure what to do about this. I think I'm failing miserably at being rulesy, light and breezy (I particularly suck at this), and not coming off as just plain disinterested. sigh.
That said, there are guys beating down my door and I meet them (or not) and politely next them very quickly because they are not what I am looking for. That is really a relief for me. I just need to get even more efficient at it. :) I just don't want to politely fend off the ones I'm interested in too by accident because I'm unpolished in my scheduling tactics. Suggestions?
A Practicing Rules Girl
- trying to learn light and breezy
- it hasn't been my week