Texting guy canceled our tentatively planned date last week -- via text -- even after this conversation took place. Ironically, I also canceled it via e-mail 15 minutes later before having seen the text. We did not speak for five days, and I thought this was poof for sure.
This evening I get, guess what? Another text, asking me if I'm going to this seder that he knew I was going to go to, and had previously said he was thinking of going to. I did not respond.
Of course, he was there. Problem: my brain has basically already nexted the guy, my instinct is to want to flirt and have fun, and I did so waaay too much tonight. Like, engaging in innuendo-y banter with him and tolerating him feeling my leg under the table. This is all bizarre to me because I think it would be a stretch to even say I've even reached first base with this guy. My eighth grade boyfriend and I had made out more by time we'd "dated" this long.
Texting guy was not the only one I flirted with at seder - I flirted with a couple of my friends pretty shamelessly too. A Practicing Rules Girl has warned me about this issue - she enjoys flirting, as do I. So when we've written a guy off (for whatever reason), we seem to mentally exclude him from the Rules and therefore allow ourselves this guilty pleasure. But if I read Rule #1 correctly, Rules girls really don't flirt at all. If you're interested in the man or may be interested, you may not flirt; if you're not interested in the man, there is not a whole lot of point to flirtation, and you could be jerking him around. I told PRG that she needs to rein in her flirting instinct to be within the spirit of the Rules, and clearly I do too.
Other than the whole under leg-under-the-table/what-do-I-get-if-I-find-the-afikomen thing, I did a good job of not clinging to texting guy. He initiated conversations, he insisted I sit next to him. At the end I sort of made a bit of an effort to leave with him (bad), but took off without lingering when I got to my car (good). On the way to the car, he joked that he counted this as our 5th date.
Texting guy is a player, I'm fairly certain. I've somehow avoided players up to this point in my life, and consider myself lucky that the Rules crossed my path before this one did.
Meanwhile, I went out on a ridiculously awkward date with eharmony guy and a wonderful date with facebook guy. I am leaving town for an extended business trip, not a moment too soon.
If I learn nothing else from this blog, I have at least learned a whole lot of new Jewish cultures and words :)
ReplyDeleteAs for texting guy being a player, I think you are wrong about that. Players don't go on 5 "dates" without reaching 8th grade making out level. Players are usually MUCH MUCH better daters.
Yeah, I may be wrong. I just don't quite get the whole thing. Just not that into me + having fun with me when convenient? That seems most plausible, and the generally accepted theory in here. But why feel up my leg and not try to make out with me? Why call it a 5th date if you don't intend to ask me out again (and why ask me out again if you're not even getting some after this long)?
ReplyDeleteIf he does ask me out again, not sure what I'll do. I'm bad at dating multiple people at once, and I really like fb guy :)
Um, any Canadian in texting guy's background? :) I ask because he's pretty much acting like I notice many Canadian men do...this is from my experience only, but unless they already know someone (through friends, school etc.), they tend to turn white and bloodless at the thought of formally asking a woman out. That is unless they're in a bar after a few pints of liquid courage, and then they're thinking, um, short-term only. The goodlooking ones are used to be chased by a bevy of women, who do so routinely, so those guys have NO clue how to go about doing the chasing. So my guess is that this guy's either Canadian or clueless. :) Test it out. Ask him how he feels about hockey, Tim Horton's, snowmobiles, and South Park (we love the Canadian-slamming jokes). See if he ever drops an "eh".
ReplyDeleteAs for your question, until you're exclusive with someone else, I recall that The Rules state it's perfectly fine to date other people, and that you in fact should be doing so. So what's the harm in going out with him a few more times?
OK, now I object to seeing him anymore... the harm is that he is using you as "default date woman" when it's convenient to him. He is too lazy or too inept to ask you out properly, but he knows you will be at many of his events and he can try to "default date" you there because you have history with little or no effort on his part and you will feel awkward about it if you don't... because you have history.
ReplyDeleteI was in this exact situation. I started going to planned events with my girl-friend, her boyfriend, and a guy i used to date. He asked me if I would please call him if I was going because he wanted to see me. I said OK. I went, we more than flirted--(keeping in mind we used to date). Then nada. My bad! I thought he was trying to pick things up from before. (I had dumped him.) not true. And then every time I would go somewhere that he knew I was at, he would act like my default date. For a couple of times, i thought he might then ask me out again, like before. But he didn't. And after two (?) of these go rounds, I finally got disgusted and completely crossed him.
My point... someone who treats you as a "default date" is lazy, doesn't respect you, and has no intention of actually dating you properly. I would show up to the next event he is at with a real date (if possible).
My advice: Stay AWAY from him at the mutual events. You are feeding the lazy/disrespectful fire.
Re: other dates,
When he asks you when you are free, just prepare for rejection (just in case) and say you are busy that week, but you have Saturday free. Make him step up (or not) so that you can officially next him and recognize him as either a schlepp (sp?) or make him date you properly. if he says he's busy on saturday, then so be it. And the next time he calls, blow him off permanently.
My two cents,
-A Practicing Rules Girl
PS. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you aren't available until the weekend if they ask you when you are free. They left it wide open. And if he's just dating inept, perhaps he didn't want to impede on your weekend night. You'll find out in a hurry. Then you can move on.
Please excuse all the typos and grammatical errors and poor sentences above. I am a fast and lazy typer, admittedly. and I can't spell either. ugh.
ReplyDeleteEmbarassingly,
- A Practicing Rules Girl