I think the Rules are starting to piss off this guy, who has neither poofed nor asked me on a proper Saturday night date. I sort of believe he came into my life as blog fodder.
I am by and large rising to his repeated Rules challenges. Most recently, he texted twice after our second date (I did not respond), then called (I was busy and did not pick up). When I called back the next evening, I kicked ASS. He made a couple of jabs at my non-responsiveness ("Oh, I thought we were breaking up"; "Wasn't gonna contact/text you again, thought I might be pestering ya"). I resisted the urge to justify myself beyond "oh, I was out late last night." In fact, after a particularly out-there comment I was just silent! This is big for me. Anyway, he tried to ask me out with his usual hey, book some time for me in your next opening and we can figure out what to do later, and I pushed back, made him try to pick the day, and was less forthcoming about why I couldn't make it on certain days. He suggested a bunch of different times within 4 days of the call including "[weeknight] after 9:30" ("um, that's kind of late for [weeknight]"); and"Saturday during the day if I don't go to [big drunken St. Patrick's day event at local pub]" ("I can't this week" - resisted urge to say "No, I will have to decline your conditional invitation to hang out with me tomorrow and ditch me by nightfall"). He did not suggest this or next Saturday night. Eventually we settled on Tuesday lunch. I ended the call at just over the 10 minute limit.
I was extremely proud of that conversation, although I have to admit it's getting easier to Rules this one because he's exposing himself as a "turd," to use Sherrie and Ellen's word.
So how did I celebrate? I threw the Rules out the window for the rest of the night. Kind of like an ice cream binge after a good weigh-in, I guess.
I hit on the cantor at services; well, by Rules definition I hit on him. I looked at him frequently. I beamed at him whenever he looked at me. During oneg I tried to walk around, but ended up planting myself in a conversation circle Right Next to him. I acted like a little schoolgirl when he talked to me. Hey, I managed not to be the one starting the conversation at least. I expressed interest in attending a class he's teaching. To be fair, it's a class he's teaching at an event I'm already going to. But still. Not my finest Rules hour.
Next, I went to a male friend's house after services with another male friend and a male acquaintance. I was exceedingly flirtatious and affectionate with all of them. I made myself the center of attention, was a sarcastic funny girl, and fished successfully for compliments from them. I even slept on one's shoulder as he drove me home.
In some way, I think my behavior this particular evening demonstrates the internal tug of war I have with the Rules. To my own amazement, I am embracing their spirit more and more each day. But on some level I simply must reject them at the extreme, and as applied to every guy in my life. Hence I rebel. Sometimes silly and boisterous me simply must break through when I am around XY chromosomes.
Then this is character-building. I have the same problem with my niceness/servitude. Grew up Catholic - ideal lady was Madonna-like, self-effacing, longsuffering and ready to bring men tasty treats to eat and do their laundry. J actually handed me a ten and asked me to go get him a latte last November and I trudged 15 minutes through rain to find a Second Cup because I knew he preferred their green tea lattes - and I felt blissfully happy doing that for him!! Can you imagine Sherrie's/Ellen's faces if they caught me doing that?
ReplyDeleteSo I have to be a bit meaner and colder with The Rules - not be an open book, not be their adoring little servant, etc. And I don't think there's anything wrong with you being funny. The Rules just advise not to be loud and boisterous - there's nothing that says you can't be funny! You sound like your wit is one of your strengths - nothing wrong with using it. Maybe you just need to express it in a more man-brain-wiring-friendly way - I don't know you in person, but that's a guess.
In any case, The Rules are character-building in this way, aren't they? They force us to control our behaviour. Just wave it off and hop back onto the wagon as if no Rules have been broken. Nothing wrong with giving yourself a break. Even E & S say you won't always be perfect - "Practice!" - right?
As "A Practicing Rules Girl", I too fall off the wagon on occassion, most recently for about a 2 weeks stink (maybe even 3) because I was tired of rules-ing everyone. I have very comfortable relationships with two different guys and I enjoy being able to be completely (or nearly completely) open and honest with one of them who I am very close to (although not romantically). I know you don't have to rules friends, but the problem is that I'm not convinced I might not become interested in him romantically if things happen to line up favorably proximity-wise with the impending changes coming in August. We'll see.
ReplyDeleteSo, the problem is, I don't want to rules him because I like the emotional intimacy we have. However, not rules-ing him leads me to be sloppy and stop rulesing others too becaue I am out of the habit once and i push it into other relationships.
The good thing is, after this last crazy week when things went to shit with all three of these men at least to the extent that I didn't like the responses I was getting and was starting to have 'feelings' about it (i.e., frustration and confusion), I realized the only person I am hurting by not rulesing them--all of them--is me.
So, after a few weeks off to turn my affairs back into the same old mess they used to be, I am officially back on the wagon and hope I remember this lesson for a LONG time and stick with it no matter what!
As Nay said, I might not be perfect, but at least I can try. God knows it's for my own good and I am always much more pleasantly surprised with the results and how I feel about the results--either way.
In short, I wouldn't keep letting your hair down unless you're sure you don't like any of those guys--even a question mark, but once in a while it's hard not to. Just don't do it until it bites you in the butt like it did me.
Moral to the story: I got brave. I dumped the rules temporarily, thinking I could "handle" things. Things started failing. I felt bad. I'm back on the rules. Lesson learned. Please don't let me forget it.
-A Practicing Rules Girl