I have to remind self of this constantly when I am not returning calls and texts from someone I believe is a good guy, who I like, and who I think likes me.
I did not start this blog to find a boyfriend. I am doing these Rules to find myself.
That means meeting my insecurities, which cause me to try to control people and situations, head on.
Returning a phone call is hardly trying to control someone. I get this.
But down the road, I might freak out that he doesn't have a picture of me as his wallpaper, or hasn't asked to be in a relationship on facebook (despite my disdain for this practice). Down the road, I may throw a tantrum because his friends keep inviting him to weddings without his serious girlfriend and he doesn't seem to care. Down the road, I could well threaten to break up with him if he doesn't want to move in together.
I will scrutinize his actions and inactions, worried that they are all referenda on our relationship. I will listen to every nice thing my friends' significant others do for them and wonder why mine isn't doing the same for me. I will drive myself crazy, and once I have done so, I will drive him crazy.
Until I can trust myself not to be this worst version of me, I have to let go a little. Even of a guy I like. Even before any of these things are on the horizon.
"You will not lose something that you were meant to keep."
I am a new reader to this blog, and I will confess that after having just spent several hours with the author debating The Rules, I am somewhat skeptical of the premise. Nevertheless, I support this blog and will read it with great interest. On my way home from meeting the author, I noticed the following Carl Jung quotation written on the wall of a subway station. I scrawled it down quickly on the back of our dinner receipt. It reads: "Nature must not win the game, but she cannot lose." I am by no means an expert in Jungian psychology, but to me the quote seems to capture the conflict and self-tension that I believe The Rules inevitably create. That said, I remain interested to read how these Rules are applied, and to find out whether texting guy is cheating.
ReplyDeleteWelcome, anonymous person I debated the rules with for several hours last night!
ReplyDeleteJust to be clear - I am not in any kind of a situation with texting guy such that he could cheat on ME. :) I just get a vibe that if he were in a relationship he'd cheat.
Similarly, I didn't start doing The Rules with the primary goal of finding an ideal husband and getting married. (Women haven't really needed an ideal husband since Oscar Wilde died (rim shot).) I started doing them because I had a crush on J last fall, produced a play with him at his request, and ended up making the mistake of confiding in a couple of his friends about my feelings and then being taken out to coffee by one of the friends and told gently that the friend didn't think anything was going to happen between J and me. :P And being handed a ten by J and asked to go fetch him a latte during set strike, whereupon I trudged through November rain for 15 minutes to find what I knew was his favourite kind of latte. Get the picture of why my sister said I needed The Rules? When I'm in love (or infatuation, I guess I should more properly call it), I become the guy's faithful and adoring little servant girl...THAT had to change!! So I am now using J as my primary Rules guinea pig - and it's amazing how they work on both him AND me.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of women use The Rules more for themselves than for an immediate goal. Really, being jilted by proxy?? and then being treated as a personal assistant (when he was directing and I was the f'in producer)?? - and I went along with this and accepted it as perfectly normal treatment??? THAT'S just not on. I'd had enough at that point. Straw on a camel's back as far as men were concerned. J earned himself status as my first Rules project. And it's amazing how he has now made a 180 and frequently initiates contact with me now. I'm learning - and feeling more and more valuing of myself - and in my opinion, that's one of the best reasons for doing these Rules. You become self-esteeming as a woman, and the love-life stuff will probably fall into place, quite naturally.
This is a really important post. I hope you keep looking at it down the road. *ahem*
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