Needing the Rules again

I do think need for the Rules comes and goes, and I'm starting to need them again. So starting in this - again - new chapter of my life - I am going to try to apply them in some way to this ridiculous situation of trying to build a professional partnership and a romantic partnership at the same time. Will I write about it? I don't know. This is only a thought in my mind right now.

Rulebreaker, Un-Single Person

For those of you counting, this is the end of month nine of the six months of Rules. That means I was single for almost ten months. A record, one I'm quite proud of.

As of last weekend, Rulebreaker has a boyfriend (music&lyrics).

Rules principles are helping me measure my actions and reactions in my new relationship, which is definitely making a big difference. I can already sense how my Rules-bolstered self is going to be better at conflict management in relationships. This isn't a Rules relationship by any means, but there are trace elements of the Rules that I have ingrained into my life philosophy, and it's a good change for sure.

To the extent major Rules issues come up, I'll probably post. When this relationship ends or doesn't, I'll probably post. I also still have on my to-do list to write reviews of all the dating websites.

Feel free to ask me Rules questions too, and I'll answer them. Regardless of whether I agree with all of them for me personally, I do approve of their use generally and definitely enjoy my pseudo-Rules-expert status.

In the meantime, thank you all for reading.

PS, I'm like, bff with texting guy. We email every day and have hung out and talked multiple times, about really personal stuff. Isn't that weird? I'm really happy about how that turned out too. I'm sort of afraid at some point I'm going to divulge this blog to him. Haha.

Nexting texting guy

Well, I finally did it.

Music&lyrics and I spent a ton of time together last week. Most of it was combined with a rehearsal or a performance. I'm not sure how to balance that with the Rules, btw - there are Rules for dating a coworker, but not for dating a co-songwriter. There are also Rules for dating a performer too. Regardless, I know I broke tons of Rules with him just because I wasn't strict about limiting the number of hours we spent together. I'm not really Rulesing him that much. But I digress.

During one of my conversations with music&lyrics over that week, he had specifically mentioned being jealous of texting guy one time when he saw us together, before anything happened between music&lyrics and me. Given that, I really felt like continuing to date texting guy in particular could jeopardize whatever is happening with music&lyrics. So I made up my mind to end it with texting guy.

As usual, I didn't know how. I waited until he called me, then when he asked to take me to the airport and the following approximate conversation ensued:

RB: Where is this coming from? I mean, you're being all nice and we're getting to the point where we are going to have to have a conversation.

TG: OK. Well, we don't have to have it NOW, do we?

RB: No.

[pause]

RB: But it's like, we've been pseudo-dating for eight months now, and it's not really going anywhere.

TG: See, now you're starting to have the conversation.

RB: Okay.

TG: I'd really like to see you before you leave town.

RB: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.

Then when we talked the next day, I was pissy about something else I'd heard about texting guy (which I won't go into here). And our schedules weren't going to allow for us to actually get together that night. I actually got irritated with him about the other thing, and then was basically like,

RB: I had hoped to do this in person, but ... you know, we've been dating for eight months, it's not going anywhere, and I can't date you anymore. I'd love to be your friend.

TG: .....

RB: .....

TG: .....

RB: I honestly didn't think you'd be that upset about this.

Texting guy actually resisted this somewhat. Apparently he didn't think this was the direction I was going when I had brought it up before (wow, he thought I was going to ask him to be in a relationship?!?!?!). We got into an actual conversation wherein he said a number of things and I said a number of things, all quite different from anything we'd ever discussed before. I'm not sure the conversation is fully over because he had to go and wanted to talk when I got back from out of town. Also, we texted a few times over the past week while I was away.

So we shall see. I am actually very interested in post-mortem-ing my relationship with texting guy. But just that - post-mortem. I think it could provide some very interesting insight into what the Rules actually did in this case. I would also seriously like to be his friend.

Dating two guys

I think I'm sort of dating both texting guy and music&lyrics right now. I communicate with both of them most days (even if just a text or an email). And I think I've become not only okay with that, but happy about it. It makes me a little less anxious about dating either of them.

Last night I called texting guy for distraction in a stressful situation and ended up breaking down about the situation and he was actually pretty good at helping me feel better. Then after we talked, in a later moment, the following text conversation took place:

Rulebreaker: awk awk awk

texting guy: ?

Rulebreaker: how is the office? [the show, that he had told me he was watching]

texting guy: i'm just happy you learned how to use text :)

Some of my friends think texting guy is starting to move towards relationship. I don't think so. But I'm in an okay place dating-wise right now, including him.

What about the Rules, you say?

I'm still measuring my actions - I don't express too much excitement in my tone, I don't say commitment-related things, I don't make the first move physically, I don't ask them on dates (although I have invited myself over to texting guy's place twice at my convenience), I don't generally initiate contact, I don't respond to contact that doesn't ask for a response. Right now this feels about right.

Blog jinx

It seems like EVERY TIME I post an extended entry about a guy, something bad happens!

OK, nothing really bad has happened with music&lyrics, but I'm just sort of annoyed with it. Mostly my own bad attitude if I'm being honest.

I guess it's kind of good to know when to kick the Rules into higher gear. I'm doing this with music&lyrics now, as he asked me out on Tuesday for "this weekend," to which I said "sure," and his reply e-mail basically said he's wide open with no direct question to answer. I guess he'll just have to contact me when he gets back into town!

Shana tova all.
http://www.renewyear.com

What's left over

I have been thinking over the past few weeks how it is almost as if I never did the Rules at all. I am basically back to my old flirty self, a girl who invites guys she likes to her performances and events and initiates conversations with everyone, including cute guys she doesn't know. A girl who IMs guys on Jdate when she's bored, who sends e-mails to guys on Jdate first, a girl who doesn't wait 24 hours to write somebody back. A girl who *GASP* texts. A girl who accepts a spontaneous dinner date with texting guy, and calls texting guy of her own accord after accepting a job offer. A girl who, in fact, talks to texting guy on the phone 8 times the day that she really really needed help dealing with an issue with her current employer being a jackass about her decision to quit. (Calm down everyone, I'm not in a relationship with texting guy, though it definitely went more in that direction last week than ever before - and he was extremely, extremely supportive through the mess with my employer.)

So I'm probably not a hardcore Rules Girl, in the end. But I'm happier and more confident and more independent and healthier than ever, including when I was doing the Rules. I needed to be a Rules Girl in order to figure out my own Rules. And in that process, some of The Rules stuck.

Case in point: new boy, let's call him "music & lyrics." (this is a new name, btw, I changed his name after a friend coined this one and it was so much more appropriate). I have been hesitant to include him in the blog at all. He's a professional musician and my co-performer in a number of services, some of them meditation services, and a couple of non-religious performances. The thought of dating him has definitely occurred to me as far back as February (I will have to look back to see if I actually mentioned him here back then), and we had been making eyes at each other for some time even before this past weekend. Uhhh, I had tried not to during the Rules, of course. (I actually looked back and found a reference to him here, indicating that not making eyes at him didn't exactly work well.) Anyhow, he's a creative type, and any flirtation I have perceived I have half-dismissed as stage chemistry or his inherent new-agey-in-tune-with-emotion-ness.

Lately I've been thinking about him more, inviting him to things and hanging out lots before and after performances (non-Rulesy), etc., but I have been on the fence about whether I actually want anything to happen there. Music&lyrics is the definition of high-risk, high-reward for me. He brought me back to my creative side, and has inspired me to start songwriting. His inclusion of me in performances allows me to make like I am actually a musician without actually having accomplished anything, not to mention the fact that I am euphorically high while I am performing with/around him. The contacts we share at synagogue (rabbi, board members, etc.) are extremely important to me and are also responsible for a lot of my current happiness and feeling of fulfillment. I have a lot to lose if we get together and the relationship gets fucked up. And with my track record of 100% of my relationships getting fucked up and about a 20% can-remain-friends-eventually-but-even-those-needed-some-dramatic-time-off ratio, the risk is very real and very scary. In other words, what I have with him now is probably more important to me personally, professionally, spiritually, than ANY preexisting relationship I have had with a boyfriend, EVER.

If I knew it would work though, it would be my dream relationship and my dream life.

Sigh. Back to the Rules.

Music&lyrics and I performed at what is best described as a 3-day-long Jewish summer camp for adults in a very idyllic, dare I say romantic, mountain setting. The vibe between us was palpable. Over the weekend several people asked me if we were dating. Long story short, he told me his ex-girlfriend (also present in said idyllic summer camp setting) had accused him of lying when he broke up with her because he had told her he couldn't date anyone but he was now dating me (she assumed). He said he told her he wasn't dating me, but then said he didn't want me to think that meant he wasn't interested...

Skipping over some more conversation and moments of awkwardness involving the two of us and his ex in the same room, we spent an hour on a swing at 3 in the morning holding hands like middle school kids. Then he suggested we head back to our respective cabins (omg I didn't end the "date" first!). We had a lingering goodbye hug, during which he said "is it okay if we take this slow?"

Rulebreaker's internal monologue: Take *what* slow exactly? Wtf does taking it slow mean? I don't think there is anything that exists to take slow. Are you explaining to me why you're not kissing me good night and why you didn't try to while we were on the swing for an hour? Is this blowing me off gently, or does it mean I have to feel guilty if I date other guys while we're "slowly" going somewhere? Also before we take anything slow or fast I would like to explain to you in gruesome detail how horrific it would be for me if we broke up and were awkward around each other.

Rulebreaker: Yes, sure. [breaks off hug and smiles] Have a good night!

The next day, when we had a moment alone, Music&lyrics says that he feels stupid for the last thing he said last night.

Rulebreaker: What do you mean?
Music&lyrics: You know, the whole thing about going slow and everything.
Rulebreaker: Oh, no problem. We don't need to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: [squirms]
Rulebreaker: Unless you want to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: Well, I don't know, I guess, is taking it slow something that is in accord with you?
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: That's an impossible question to answer since I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK "TAKING THINGS SLOW" MEANS. Do you want this to go somewhere and you're being careful? Or do you want this not to go somewhere and you're going to accomplish that by getting me to agree to some sort of abstract slow pace and then eventually we'll forget where we were going?
Rulebreaker: Sure. I thought I said that last night.
Music&lyrics: Well, I didn't know if you really meant it or if that was just something that you said in the moment.
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: So what other answers exist to this particular question? 'No, I really had hoped you'd propose at the end of the weekend?' Even if I hypothetically weren't ok with going slow, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, there is no way to articulate such sentiment without sounding completely psychotic.
Rulebreaker: Not at all - yeah, that's cool.

And despite my internal monologue, it IS cool. Whatever it means. I'm NOT acting as if. I'm just okay with the uncertainties and the lack of definitions and the open-endedness. So the Rule I seem to have internalized is, don't push. I'm giving him the space to do whatever he wants with. He can think about me, he can make us go forward at whatever pace he wants, he can initiate conversations about us - I'm not going to be putting any pressure on him at all. Pre-Rules Rulebreaker probably would have milked all the drama out of that conversation and required it to come to some sort of plan or conclusion. I feel really good about not handling it like that.

Although, in Rules fashion, I'm not going to stop dating other guys while he's all, uh, songwriting and shit.

Soundtrack: Bonnie Raitt, Something to Talk About

Partial topple off the Rules wagon

I think the Rules are starting to piss off this guy, who has neither poofed nor asked me on a proper Saturday night date. I sort of believe he came into my life as blog fodder.

I am by and large rising to his repeated Rules challenges. Most recently, he texted twice after our second date (I did not respond), then called (I was busy and did not pick up). When I called back the next evening, I kicked ASS. He made a couple of jabs at my non-responsiveness ("Oh, I thought we were breaking up"; "Wasn't gonna contact/text you again, thought I might be pestering ya"). I resisted the urge to justify myself beyond "oh, I was out late last night." In fact, after a particularly out-there comment I was just silent! This is big for me. Anyway, he tried to ask me out with his usual hey, book some time for me in your next opening and we can figure out what to do later, and I pushed back, made him try to pick the day, and was less forthcoming about why I couldn't make it on certain days. He suggested a bunch of different times within 4 days of the call including "[weeknight] after 9:30" ("um, that's kind of late for [weeknight]"); and"Saturday during the day if I don't go to [big drunken St. Patrick's day event at local pub]" ("I can't this week" - resisted urge to say "No, I will have to decline your conditional invitation to hang out with me tomorrow and ditch me by nightfall"). He did not suggest this or next Saturday night. Eventually we settled on Tuesday lunch. I ended the call at just over the 10 minute limit.

I was extremely proud of that conversation, although I have to admit it's getting easier to Rules this one because he's exposing himself as a "turd," to use Sherrie and Ellen's word.

So how did I celebrate? I threw the Rules out the window for the rest of the night. Kind of like an ice cream binge after a good weigh-in, I guess.

I hit on the cantor at services; well, by Rules definition I hit on him. I looked at him frequently. I beamed at him whenever he looked at me. During oneg I tried to walk around, but ended up planting myself in a conversation circle Right Next to him. I acted like a little schoolgirl when he talked to me. Hey, I managed not to be the one starting the conversation at least. I expressed interest in attending a class he's teaching. To be fair, it's a class he's teaching at an event I'm already going to. But still. Not my finest Rules hour.

Next, I went to a male friend's house after services with another male friend and a male acquaintance. I was exceedingly flirtatious and affectionate with all of them. I made myself the center of attention, was a sarcastic funny girl, and fished successfully for compliments from them. I even slept on one's shoulder as he drove me home.

In some way, I think my behavior this particular evening demonstrates the internal tug of war I have with the Rules. To my own amazement, I am embracing their spirit more and more each day. But on some level I simply must reject them at the extreme, and as applied to every guy in my life. Hence I rebel. Sometimes silly and boisterous me simply must break through when I am around XY chromosomes.