So I'm probably not a hardcore Rules Girl, in the end. But I'm happier and more confident and more independent and healthier than ever, including when I was doing the Rules. I needed to be a Rules Girl in order to figure out my own Rules. And in that process, some of The Rules stuck.
Case in point: new boy, let's call him "music & lyrics." (this is a new name, btw, I changed his name after a friend coined this one and it was so much more appropriate). I have been hesitant to include him in the blog at all. He's a professional musician and my co-performer in a number of services, some of them meditation services, and a couple of non-religious performances. The thought of dating him has definitely occurred to me as far back as February (I will have to look back to see if I actually mentioned him here back then), and we had been making eyes at each other for some time even before this past weekend. Uhhh, I had tried not to during the Rules, of course. (I actually looked back and found a reference to him here, indicating that not making eyes at him didn't exactly work well.) Anyhow, he's a creative type, and any flirtation I have perceived I have half-dismissed as stage chemistry or his inherent new-agey-in-tune-with-emotion-ness.
Lately I've been thinking about him more, inviting him to things and hanging out lots before and after performances (non-Rulesy), etc., but I have been on the fence about whether I actually want anything to happen there. Music&lyrics is the definition of high-risk, high-reward for me. He brought me back to my creative side, and has inspired me to start songwriting. His inclusion of me in performances allows me to make like I am actually a musician without actually having accomplished anything, not to mention the fact that I am euphorically high while I am performing with/around him. The contacts we share at synagogue (rabbi, board members, etc.) are extremely important to me and are also responsible for a lot of my current happiness and feeling of fulfillment. I have a lot to lose if we get together and the relationship gets fucked up. And with my track record of 100% of my relationships getting fucked up and about a 20% can-remain-friends-eventually-but-even-those-needed-some-dramatic-time-off ratio, the risk is very real and very scary. In other words, what I have with him now is probably more important to me personally, professionally, spiritually, than ANY preexisting relationship I have had with a boyfriend, EVER.
If I knew it would work though, it would be my dream relationship and my dream life.
Sigh. Back to the Rules.
Music&lyrics and I performed at what is best described as a 3-day-long Jewish summer camp for adults in a very idyllic, dare I say romantic, mountain setting. The vibe between us was palpable. Over the weekend several people asked me if we were dating. Long story short, he told me his ex-girlfriend (also present in said idyllic summer camp setting) had accused him of lying when he broke up with her because he had told her he couldn't date anyone but he was now dating me (she assumed). He said he told her he wasn't dating me, but then said he didn't want me to think that meant he wasn't interested...
Skipping over some more conversation and moments of awkwardness involving the two of us and his ex in the same room, we spent an hour on a swing at 3 in the morning holding hands like middle school kids. Then he suggested we head back to our respective cabins (omg I didn't end the "date" first!). We had a lingering goodbye hug, during which he said "is it okay if we take this slow?"
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: Take *what* slow exactly? Wtf does taking it slow mean? I don't think there is anything that exists to take slow. Are you explaining to me why you're not kissing me good night and why you didn't try to while we were on the swing for an hour? Is this blowing me off gently, or does it mean I have to feel guilty if I date other guys while we're "slowly" going somewhere? Also before we take anything slow or fast I would like to explain to you in gruesome detail how horrific it would be for me if we broke up and were awkward around each other.
Rulebreaker: Yes, sure. [breaks off hug and smiles] Have a good night!
The next day, when we had a moment alone, Music&lyrics says that he feels stupid for the last thing he said last night.
Rulebreaker: What do you mean?
Music&lyrics: You know, the whole thing about going slow and everything.
Rulebreaker: Oh, no problem. We don't need to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: [squirms]
Rulebreaker: Unless you want to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: Well, I don't know, I guess, is taking it slow something that is in accord with you?
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: That's an impossible question to answer since I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK "TAKING THINGS SLOW" MEANS. Do you want this to go somewhere and you're being careful? Or do you want this not to go somewhere and you're going to accomplish that by getting me to agree to some sort of abstract slow pace and then eventually we'll forget where we were going?
Rulebreaker: Sure. I thought I said that last night.
Music&lyrics: Well, I didn't know if you really meant it or if that was just something that you said in the moment.
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: So what other answers exist to this particular question? 'No, I really had hoped you'd propose at the end of the weekend?' Even if I hypothetically weren't ok with going slow, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, there is no way to articulate such sentiment without sounding completely psychotic.
Rulebreaker: Not at all - yeah, that's cool.
And despite my internal monologue, it IS cool. Whatever it means. I'm NOT acting as if. I'm just okay with the uncertainties and the lack of definitions and the open-endedness. So the Rule I seem to have internalized is, don't push. I'm giving him the space to do whatever he wants with. He can think about me, he can make us go forward at whatever pace he wants, he can initiate conversations about us - I'm not going to be putting any pressure on him at all. Pre-Rules Rulebreaker probably would have milked all the drama out of that conversation and required it to come to some sort of plan or conclusion. I feel really good about not handling it like that.
Although, in Rules fashion, I'm not going to stop dating other guys while he's all, uh, songwriting and shit.
Soundtrack: Bonnie Raitt, Something to Talk About
His question the next day would have confused me too. Was he trying feel you out to see if you were actually interested, or was he trying to see if maybe you wanted to move forward more quickly (which if he was asking that, it was obviously because he was kind of thinking maybe HE wanted to move forward more quickly). Either way, he likes you (and seems like he was feeling a little insecure), and I think you should keep responding to him and even occasionally "making eyes" at him so he knows you definitely like him back. I don't think occasionally making eyes is too forward and it doesn't put you in the position of being the pursuer (despite what the Rules would say, plenty of other dating/relationship books speak to the contrary - flirting can be good as long as you aren't pursuing, but are simply responding). Good job on not bringing drama into the second day conversation. Save the drama for later. ;)
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