Texting, irony, and texting irony

Not that I plan to keep posting in this blog regularly but I feel compelled to scold myself for my last post, in which I smugly denounce the Rules:

For purposes of this blog though, I am now calling BS on the rules … mostly. This person thought about me over the years in the way the Rules describe that you want a guy to think about you… after our original relationship only happened because I straight up pursued him. 

I think the Rules are a chemical hack made necessary because true chemistry is SO rare and yet our culture has romanticized it so ubiquitously as to make us all feel worthless if we don’t have it with our partner. In reality I still believe that many, maybe most, people never get to experience natural chemistry (acknowledging there is a spectrum) so if you care about being partnered, you’ll have to do something to compensate, or settle on a non traditional partnership.

OK sure, Rulebreaker. The Rules are BS because some guy you hit on and then dated for a matter of weeks in 1998 intermittently fantasized about you after that, and upon reconnection with this guy you are experiencing "rare natural chemistry" that doesn't require rules. LOLOLOL. I mean, if nothing else, the Rules are a somewhat useful construct to prevent one from telling oneself absurd things like that.

Because when you believe absurd things like that, you then lapse into becoming vulnerable, behaving like a damn idiot and then feeling crappy about yourself. And shortly after that last post (certainly not because of it! right?) I started spiraling into that cycle. Most of it involved texting, ergo this post's title. 

Again, I do not plan to use this blog regularly, but I should name the individual in question even if only for purposes of this post and the one in 1-11 years where I give the update about what the hell happened with my life. The only time I ever referenced this person in the original blog, I called him "waiter boyfriend"... how reductive! I picked it because we were both waiters at the time and that's how we met; neither of us are anymore. But... let's go with "waiterboy" for now.

Yesterday I hung out with texting guy, with whom I have a comfortable friendship and have for years at this point. We had been playing text tag for several months. The last time we saw each other, which was last fall, I was in a terrible place about something having nothing to do with marriage or romance or rules, and he (as usual) was amazing and supportive. Yesterday I dragged out of him the stuff he had been avoiding over text about his own dating life and told him about waiterboy situation. I told him about the ways in which I was presently acting like an idiot with waiterboy in a manner that resembled the way I had acted like an idiot with him (texting guy). He didn't take that bait much, but it really helped me laugh about the situation. 

(Then I went home and acted like an idiot texting waiterboy for another several hours. But I feel a bit better today.)

At one point in our conversation yesterday, texting guy mentioned this blog (referencing a text I'd sent to him a few weeks ago), and said: "so you reread your blog? Is that still up?" He asked for the link or the name of the blog. And I said, no way! I know he read it at one point but before I posted some of that intense stuff about him, which I don't want him to see. He said are you still posting in it? I said no, but I did post something about waiterboy. He said, well, I have the link somewhere. Eh, I doubt he'll make the effort and even if he did, it's no longer feasible to "find" this blog using a search engine - I tried a fair amount because I really don't want waiterboy to find it. 

But if you do, texting guy, text me and tell me so! Even now this seems to be mostly a blog about you! How ironic.

Ten years gone

I last posted almost a decade ago, when I was pregnant with my son (but did not appear to mention it). The blog title is a nod to a Led Zeppelin song, if you didn’t catch it. 

I have a daughter becoming bat mitzvah in December, and a son two years younger. 

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (that one existed before the blog) and autism. 

My relationship life is the strangest it’s maybe ever been. 

Texting guy and I are still friends.

Music&lyrics and I are still married for now. And we get along well these days, as coparents. But we haven’t been in a romantic relationship in a long time to the extent we ever were. And I didn’t think I needed romance, but then some pretty serious turbulence happened in my life, and the thing that was making me feel like a “CUAO” (to use Rules-speak) was ripped away from me. 

And then something weird happened, I got back in touch with someone I hadn’t spoken to in over 25 years, someone I referenced at least once in this blog, stumbled into a powerful connection almost accidentally (but not really accidentally). Shortly after I realized I was getting swept away in feelings for this other person, I ended up telling music&lyrics that he (music&lyrics) has never felt that I’m special and I need to feel special and I didn’t think I was cut out for traditional marriage but didn’t want to blow up our family, but that I needed that in my life and was talking to exes, and … I’m foggy about the couple of conversations we had but it involved discussion of dating apps and exes and seemed to be received fine, with no pushback. He said “I think you’re extraordinary but I don’t *feel* it,” which is something that has been a shadow over our relationship since the beginning, which caused much anxiety and woe in me over the years, but not something that could have realistically been addressed when our kids were small. 

It’s been interesting to reread my blog after this happened to me. To notice the things that stuck with me from this time in my life and the things that didn’t. To revisit my self-perception then and compare it to now. To think about the way autism might have been impacting my decisions and perceptions. To look at things I’ve said to my new/old connection - who started out as a 1998 summer fling - about what I thought about myself, my relationships, and him in particular and the ways in which this blog reinforces what I recalled and have told him in response to his recollection of me… and the ways in which this blog throws cold water on that. We’ve been talking about 2010 as a pivot point when he and I could have reconnected, and I told him that would have worked; I was single then. And I mentioned I was doing a dating blog then. I probably shouldn’t have done that; he wanted to see it and I was like, uh not ready for that. 

So then I immediately rushed to read everything I wrote here, in view of the (electrifying) conversations I’ve been having with him. I didn’t write about him much but what I did write implies that I knew or intuited that he had had deeper feelings for me at some point. But by 2025 I had forgotten this; the way this relationship had gotten written in my brain is something non serious and that fizzled naturally because neither of us had super strong feelings. Also it seems that by 2010 I had totally forgotten how brazenly I had told him back then of my feelings for him. Apparently I confronted him with a “guess who I like” game where the punchline was “you.”  

Wow! That sure wasn’t Rules-y! And he never would have pursued me otherwise. While it’s far from clear what to conclude about anything right now, this guy and I have been talking almost 2 months now and it feels like genuine chemistry and connection (as opposed to limerence, a REALLY useful new word I can’t believe I just learned!). The factors that render it potentially nonviable are all circumstantial. And if I’m honest, they were circumstantial at the time, too, which is something to think about - I was going off to college; he wasn’t Jewish.

For purposes of this blog though, I am now calling BS on the rules … mostly. This person thought about me over the years in the way the Rules describe that you want a guy to think about you… after our original relationship only happened because I straight up pursued him. 

I think the Rules are a chemical hack made necessary because true chemistry is SO rare and yet our culture has romanticized it so ubiquitously as to make us all feel worthless if we don’t have it with our partner. In reality I still believe that many, maybe most, people never get to experience natural chemistry (acknowledging there is a spectrum) so if you care about being partnered, you’ll have to do something to compensate, or settle on a non traditional partnership.

One of the most shocking things from reviewing this blog again was seeing myself saying that I wanted kids but I wasn’t willing to settle for them because I wanted the right romantic partner. Then as soon as I stopped blogging, laser focusing on kids is exactly what I did. Wanting kids within the next couple of years, with or without a partner, is what ultimately drove my decisions in 2011-2012 that led me to end up with music&lyrics. So what was I thinking saying otherwise here? Well, I think this spot in my life was uniquely skewed on “the Ex,” which is someone I think I had stayed with too long only because of my phase of life and desire for children. It was important that I challenge that at the time, though I may have meant it temporarily to keep myself single for those six months of my waning fertility from 29.5-30 (I am now almost 45!)

Ten years gone from this blog. 26 years gone from an extremely brief relationship of revitalized significance. Living in the gray. 

I have no place else to put this

First, since it has been awhile ... things are good with me.  My 18 month old daughter is (while spirited) delightful, I'm about to buy a house (hopefully I'll eventually get a loan despite that my credit isn't as great as it could be because I am bad about opening mail), and I have been loving my job for over 4 years now and am about to go on two international business trips.  I am happy.

The only time I think about this blog is when I think of texting guy.  I have been thinking about texting guy more than usual lately.  Something really awful happened in his life and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind, and I just feel completely and totally wrong that I didn't do more, heartbroken for him, helpless.  The reason I didn't do anything (other than a very carefully worded email) was mostly because I was paralyzed... and thinking that it would be completely and totally wrong TO do more.

I care about him so much, and I just feel like something is so wrong and off that he is not in my life at all, that I found out about his recent tragedy through a mutual friend... it's just an awful, horrible feeling that I can't describe.  I wonder if he knows I had a breakdown and went to the psych ward in December.  I wonder if our mutual friend told him that, or if he hears about me from her.  I always tell her not to tell me about him, because it's still, over two years later, too difficult for me to talk about him casually.  I still have a mini-panic-attack on the rare occasion I get a text from a friend "hey does [textingguy] live near the post office on [streetname]?  I think I just ran into him"

He used to tell me I was his salve, and I didn't even know what that word meant the first time he used it.  At least some part of my brain rejected that (and told him so), saying that no, some unhealthy part of both of us magnetically connected in an unhealthy way, and that "salve" feeling was just a drug addiction that we both needed to resist.  But when I imagine him in pain over something it just kills me to think that I could have helped and didn't.  At the same time, I never did help him.  I always hurt him.  And he hurt me too.

I don't even remember our last interaction well, but my best recollection is that he found some peace with me getting engaged but needed me to leave him alone.  So, I did, and am still leaving him alone.  I can't remember if there was ever anything beyond that, or even if that is really true.  Sometimes I think, it's been long enough, we should be able to be normal and it should be okay, and then I think... I can't even imagine being normal with him, and I'm not even sure I want to be, so where does that leave things?

Once or twice when we were on a "no contact" period I would drive into his complex and just look at his window.  He saw me do this once, so (even though I don't have that car anymore) I'm too scared to do it now - both for that reason and because I just cannot even crack open that door.

I have resigned myself to the fact that texting guy is going to haunt me forever, and that I am always going to be a little bit in love with him, and that that is okay.  It doesn't mean I love my husband less, and honestly if there is anyone in the whole world who understands this and is not threatened by it, it's my husband.

But the dreams have gotten more frequent and more intense and I don't know if they mean that something bigger is wrong, that I have veered off an important path.  These are things I will never know.

2014 readers

Hi everyone-

I made my blog public again, because it's been long enough (I think) that the reasons I locked it down no longer apply.

Things are generally good, but I am crazy as always.  I am now almost married (to a guy I got to know during the Rules experiment, but dated after I had dropped the Rules) and have a 7-month old daughter.  I am now trying to figure out how not to be a horribly anxious parent.

If you'd like to read my Rules experiment from 2010, feel free.  It gets kind of dramatic at the end, after the six-month experiment was over.  If I had insisted on continuing with the Rules, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be with the guy I'm with... he's just NEVER going to comply with the stricter ones like calling for Saturday night dates.  But if I had applied Rules principles (funny phrase) longer, without being super strict on the exact Rules, I might have ended up in a stable relationship and settled down sooner than I did.  Rules principles being, mostly, "don't be all insecure and shit, and don't put up with being treated poorly but also don't create a big production out of it."

Love,
Rulebreaker

last words

I got into a car accident last weekend, and my six-month-old car was totaled.  It wasn't my fault, and I am not seriously injured.  These are things I should be and am highly grateful for.  But my six-month-old car was totaled.  I am, for many reasons, highly annoyed by this.

I was lamenting the anticipated loss of my car to someone shortly after the accident, one of my musician friends who is a little new-agey, and he asked me,

was there something just a little off about that car?

He did not mean mechanically, of course. He meant, was there some negative energy emanating from that car in some way, something that meant that that car should not be in my life.

My instinct was a resounding -no.  I loved that car!  I worked hard for that car!  I refused to settle on the color, on anything!  I adored everything about that car!  That car was so cute and so practical, and so suited for exactly what I needed it for!

But in the back of my head, something nagged me.

There *was* something a little off about that car.  Me.  I was handed the keys to that car after a jovial early match in a protracted game of make-believe, in which I persisted for months in entertaining a fantasy that would prove to be monumentally destructive.

And remembering it, I am inclined to feel like my totaled car got off easy.

Not exactly what I had in mind for closure, but it works.

My rental, which I sort of hate, has XM radio.  I have found myself listening to Broadway tunes.  They are magical.  They are vibrant and compelling and familiar.  It makes me so cheerful on my drive to and from work.

I found out that there is a musical called, of all things, Chess.  It has one song that goes...


Nothing is so good
It lasts eternally.
Perfect situations
Must go wrong,
But this has never yet
Prevented me
Wanting far too much
For far too long.


Looking back, I could
Have played it differently--
Won a few more moments,
Who can tell?
But it took time
To understand the man.
Now at least I know
I know him well.

Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


No one in your life
Is with you constantly.
No one is completely
On your side,
And though I move
My world to be with him,
Still the gap between us
Is too wide.



Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


I do not know anything about the musical "Chess."  But these words hit me, and help me to let go of yet another symbol of my attachment.

world series of bitterness

I have relatively few sports loyalties.  The only one that stuck from my upbringing was the Braves.  I root for my Big Ten alma mater too, but not enough to go out of my way to pay attention to it.   

I do enjoy sports, though, and I enjoy deciding who I want to win a particular game and rooting for that team.  Especially during March Madness.  I wonder what the Rules would say about my instinct to root against whatever team any of my exes likes?  (Ergo, go Rangers!)  The anti-rooting also applies to my ex-bosses.  And this negative bias is enough to overcome any positive bias towards a team I have from other sources.  My grandparents grew up in St. Louis, for example, but the fact that I dated a guy from there means that I simply cannot root for the Cardinals.

I suppose I've found a way to turn sports into a girly activity, albeit an unsophisticated one.  And I don't think the Rules would approve of me telling everyone in the sports bar WHY I'm rooting for the Rangers in the World Series, but I also don't think they would care too much that this is the best decisionmaking proxy I've got.

Hopefully I don't run out of teams!

addiction paradigm

As I alluded to in my last, froofy post - many, including my therapist, have encouraged me to utilize an addiction paradigm when struggling with avoiding unhealthy relationships and interactions.  And usually I find this way of thinking very persuasive and very effective.  I have accepted that I am wired as a dramaholic, and I am SO much better, happier, more pleasant, and more mySELF when I am sober.

Owing in large part to my newfound philosophy, I have successfully avoided unhealthy relationships over the past few months, probably better and more effectively than I have in my entire life.  This has involved cutting some people out, scaling back my relationships with some people, and working extra-hard to invest in some of the relationships that had accidentally soured but that I care about but don't believe were inherently unhealthy themselves.

Except that the analogy does not cover the part that is the most difficult for me, which is that with relationships, the crack has feelings too.

For example, I have probably spent the better part of a year more or less emotionally shutting out my parents.  I'm not sure they noticed it that much, because I haven't always been the most frequent communicator with them.  But in going through some of the mindfulness exercises and attempting to change the way I think and respond to stimuli has made me wary of veering too close to the people who I think taught me a very unhealthy way of being.

My brain does not blame them for this.  I think my parents are AWESOME, incredible people.  They loved their kids so much and only wanted the best for them.  But still, I have some hesitation and fear of those explosive fights that I used to have with my mother, of the judgment that silently broods in the background of my relationship with my father.  And I have felt more peaceful with my minimal and largely superficial interactions with them.

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" (a book which ultimately has some very good concepts, but I do not like Tolle's writing style or, really, Tolle himself), speaks of the "pain-body."  I can't explain the concept very well, but it's sort of like a demon within, which feeds on conflict and insecurity and lots of other negative things, and basically wants to create unhappiness for you.  Tolle says many people spend most of their time living in their pain-body.  And again, while I think Tolle is nothing short of a pompous ass, this concept strikes me.

Taking it a step further, some of the people with which I have felt the strongest connection in my life - on some level I believe that connection was between our pain bodies, not ourselves.  My mother and I triggered each others' pain bodies quite easily - more so than any other pair in my six-person family (except perhaps my parents with each other).  My best friend from law school's pain body was absolutely kindred to mine - even though I do believe we have a soul-level connection as well.  But our pain-body connection makes it sometimes difficult to listen to her go through a painful situation because everything she feels and thinks is so close to home.  And "true love," as Tolle himself points out, can easily be mistaken for pain-body love; but the pain-body love is so consuming and addictive that it will try to overpower you into believing that you are missing something if you are not essentially in agony.  I now believe that most of what Hollywood portrays as "love" is pain-body love.  The projection has a devastating effect on all of us wonderers offscreen, already prone to pain-body ways.

So what do I do with this insight?   I want to improve my relationship with my parents, but I might just not be ready yet.  I know that as a child I was defenseless to my parents' insecurities and reactions and pain.  I am stronger now, an adult, not as susceptible to this, but still in a fragile state having not been "on the wagon" for too long.  I want to be there for my law school best friend, but the things her pain-body says to me are so true to my pain-body that I fear I will believe them.

It is a slow process, I know.  But I do not relish that others may be hurt by the way I feel I need to take care of myself.