last words

I got into a car accident last weekend, and my six-month-old car was totaled.  It wasn't my fault, and I am not seriously injured.  These are things I should be and am highly grateful for.  But my six-month-old car was totaled.  I am, for many reasons, highly annoyed by this.

I was lamenting the anticipated loss of my car to someone shortly after the accident, one of my musician friends who is a little new-agey, and he asked me,

was there something just a little off about that car?

He did not mean mechanically, of course. He meant, was there some negative energy emanating from that car in some way, something that meant that that car should not be in my life.

My instinct was a resounding -no.  I loved that car!  I worked hard for that car!  I refused to settle on the color, on anything!  I adored everything about that car!  That car was so cute and so practical, and so suited for exactly what I needed it for!

But in the back of my head, something nagged me.

There *was* something a little off about that car.  Me.  I was handed the keys to that car after a jovial early match in a protracted game of make-believe, in which I persisted for months in entertaining a fantasy that would prove to be monumentally destructive.

And remembering it, I am inclined to feel like my totaled car got off easy.

Not exactly what I had in mind for closure, but it works.

My rental, which I sort of hate, has XM radio.  I have found myself listening to Broadway tunes.  They are magical.  They are vibrant and compelling and familiar.  It makes me so cheerful on my drive to and from work.

I found out that there is a musical called, of all things, Chess.  It has one song that goes...


Nothing is so good
It lasts eternally.
Perfect situations
Must go wrong,
But this has never yet
Prevented me
Wanting far too much
For far too long.


Looking back, I could
Have played it differently--
Won a few more moments,
Who can tell?
But it took time
To understand the man.
Now at least I know
I know him well.

Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


No one in your life
Is with you constantly.
No one is completely
On your side,
And though I move
My world to be with him,
Still the gap between us
Is too wide.



Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


I do not know anything about the musical "Chess."  But these words hit me, and help me to let go of yet another symbol of my attachment.