Texting, irony, and texting irony

Not that I plan to keep posting in this blog regularly but I feel compelled to scold myself for my last post, in which I smugly denounce the Rules:

For purposes of this blog though, I am now calling BS on the rules … mostly. This person thought about me over the years in the way the Rules describe that you want a guy to think about you… after our original relationship only happened because I straight up pursued him. 

I think the Rules are a chemical hack made necessary because true chemistry is SO rare and yet our culture has romanticized it so ubiquitously as to make us all feel worthless if we don’t have it with our partner. In reality I still believe that many, maybe most, people never get to experience natural chemistry (acknowledging there is a spectrum) so if you care about being partnered, you’ll have to do something to compensate, or settle on a non traditional partnership.

OK sure, Rulebreaker. The Rules are BS because some guy you hit on and then dated for a matter of weeks in 1998 intermittently fantasized about you after that, and upon reconnection with this guy you are experiencing "rare natural chemistry" that doesn't require rules. LOLOLOL. I mean, if nothing else, the Rules are a somewhat useful construct to prevent one from telling oneself absurd things like that.

Because when you believe absurd things like that, you then lapse into becoming vulnerable, behaving like a damn idiot and then feeling crappy about yourself. And shortly after that last post (certainly not because of it! right?) I started spiraling into that cycle. Most of it involved texting, ergo this post's title. 

Again, I do not plan to use this blog regularly, but I should name the individual in question even if only for purposes of this post and the one in 1-11 years where I give the update about what the hell happened with my life. The only time I ever referenced this person in the original blog, I called him "waiter boyfriend"... how reductive! I picked it because we were both waiters at the time and that's how we met; neither of us are anymore. But... let's go with "waiterboy" for now.

Yesterday I hung out with texting guy, with whom I have a comfortable friendship and have for years at this point. We had been playing text tag for several months. The last time we saw each other, which was last fall, I was in a terrible place about something having nothing to do with marriage or romance or rules, and he (as usual) was amazing and supportive. Yesterday I dragged out of him the stuff he had been avoiding over text about his own dating life and told him about waiterboy situation. I told him about the ways in which I was presently acting like an idiot with waiterboy in a manner that resembled the way I had acted like an idiot with him (texting guy). He didn't take that bait much, but it really helped me laugh about the situation. 

(Then I went home and acted like an idiot texting waiterboy for another several hours. But I feel a bit better today.)

At one point in our conversation yesterday, texting guy mentioned this blog (referencing a text I'd sent to him a few weeks ago), and said: "so you reread your blog? Is that still up?" He asked for the link or the name of the blog. And I said, no way! I know he read it at one point but before I posted some of that intense stuff about him, which I don't want him to see. He said are you still posting in it? I said no, but I did post something about waiterboy. He said, well, I have the link somewhere. Eh, I doubt he'll make the effort and even if he did, it's no longer feasible to "find" this blog using a search engine - I tried a fair amount because I really don't want waiterboy to find it. 

But if you do, texting guy, text me and tell me so! Even now this seems to be mostly a blog about you! How ironic.

Ten years gone

I last posted almost a decade ago, when I was pregnant with my son (but did not appear to mention it). The blog title is a nod to a Led Zeppelin song, if you didn’t catch it. 

I have a daughter becoming bat mitzvah in December, and a son two years younger. 

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (that one existed before the blog) and autism. 

My relationship life is the strangest it’s maybe ever been. 

Texting guy and I are still friends.

Music&lyrics and I are still married for now. And we get along well these days, as coparents. But we haven’t been in a romantic relationship in a long time to the extent we ever were. And I didn’t think I needed romance, but then some pretty serious turbulence happened in my life, and the thing that was making me feel like a “CUAO” (to use Rules-speak) was ripped away from me. 

And then something weird happened, I got back in touch with someone I hadn’t spoken to in over 25 years, someone I referenced at least once in this blog, stumbled into a powerful connection almost accidentally (but not really accidentally). Shortly after I realized I was getting swept away in feelings for this other person, I ended up telling music&lyrics that he (music&lyrics) has never felt that I’m special and I need to feel special and I didn’t think I was cut out for traditional marriage but didn’t want to blow up our family, but that I needed that in my life and was talking to exes, and … I’m foggy about the couple of conversations we had but it involved discussion of dating apps and exes and seemed to be received fine, with no pushback. He said “I think you’re extraordinary but I don’t *feel* it,” which is something that has been a shadow over our relationship since the beginning, which caused much anxiety and woe in me over the years, but not something that could have realistically been addressed when our kids were small. 

It’s been interesting to reread my blog after this happened to me. To notice the things that stuck with me from this time in my life and the things that didn’t. To revisit my self-perception then and compare it to now. To think about the way autism might have been impacting my decisions and perceptions. To look at things I’ve said to my new/old connection - who started out as a 1998 summer fling - about what I thought about myself, my relationships, and him in particular and the ways in which this blog reinforces what I recalled and have told him in response to his recollection of me… and the ways in which this blog throws cold water on that. We’ve been talking about 2010 as a pivot point when he and I could have reconnected, and I told him that would have worked; I was single then. And I mentioned I was doing a dating blog then. I probably shouldn’t have done that; he wanted to see it and I was like, uh not ready for that. 

So then I immediately rushed to read everything I wrote here, in view of the (electrifying) conversations I’ve been having with him. I didn’t write about him much but what I did write implies that I knew or intuited that he had had deeper feelings for me at some point. But by 2025 I had forgotten this; the way this relationship had gotten written in my brain is something non serious and that fizzled naturally because neither of us had super strong feelings. Also it seems that by 2010 I had totally forgotten how brazenly I had told him back then of my feelings for him. Apparently I confronted him with a “guess who I like” game where the punchline was “you.”  

Wow! That sure wasn’t Rules-y! And he never would have pursued me otherwise. While it’s far from clear what to conclude about anything right now, this guy and I have been talking almost 2 months now and it feels like genuine chemistry and connection (as opposed to limerence, a REALLY useful new word I can’t believe I just learned!). The factors that render it potentially nonviable are all circumstantial. And if I’m honest, they were circumstantial at the time, too, which is something to think about - I was going off to college; he wasn’t Jewish.

For purposes of this blog though, I am now calling BS on the rules … mostly. This person thought about me over the years in the way the Rules describe that you want a guy to think about you… after our original relationship only happened because I straight up pursued him. 

I think the Rules are a chemical hack made necessary because true chemistry is SO rare and yet our culture has romanticized it so ubiquitously as to make us all feel worthless if we don’t have it with our partner. In reality I still believe that many, maybe most, people never get to experience natural chemistry (acknowledging there is a spectrum) so if you care about being partnered, you’ll have to do something to compensate, or settle on a non traditional partnership.

One of the most shocking things from reviewing this blog again was seeing myself saying that I wanted kids but I wasn’t willing to settle for them because I wanted the right romantic partner. Then as soon as I stopped blogging, laser focusing on kids is exactly what I did. Wanting kids within the next couple of years, with or without a partner, is what ultimately drove my decisions in 2011-2012 that led me to end up with music&lyrics. So what was I thinking saying otherwise here? Well, I think this spot in my life was uniquely skewed on “the Ex,” which is someone I think I had stayed with too long only because of my phase of life and desire for children. It was important that I challenge that at the time, though I may have meant it temporarily to keep myself single for those six months of my waning fertility from 29.5-30 (I am now almost 45!)

Ten years gone from this blog. 26 years gone from an extremely brief relationship of revitalized significance. Living in the gray. 

I have no place else to put this

First, since it has been awhile ... things are good with me.  My 18 month old daughter is (while spirited) delightful, I'm about to buy a house (hopefully I'll eventually get a loan despite that my credit isn't as great as it could be because I am bad about opening mail), and I have been loving my job for over 4 years now and am about to go on two international business trips.  I am happy.

The only time I think about this blog is when I think of texting guy.  I have been thinking about texting guy more than usual lately.  Something really awful happened in his life and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind, and I just feel completely and totally wrong that I didn't do more, heartbroken for him, helpless.  The reason I didn't do anything (other than a very carefully worded email) was mostly because I was paralyzed... and thinking that it would be completely and totally wrong TO do more.

I care about him so much, and I just feel like something is so wrong and off that he is not in my life at all, that I found out about his recent tragedy through a mutual friend... it's just an awful, horrible feeling that I can't describe.  I wonder if he knows I had a breakdown and went to the psych ward in December.  I wonder if our mutual friend told him that, or if he hears about me from her.  I always tell her not to tell me about him, because it's still, over two years later, too difficult for me to talk about him casually.  I still have a mini-panic-attack on the rare occasion I get a text from a friend "hey does [textingguy] live near the post office on [streetname]?  I think I just ran into him"

He used to tell me I was his salve, and I didn't even know what that word meant the first time he used it.  At least some part of my brain rejected that (and told him so), saying that no, some unhealthy part of both of us magnetically connected in an unhealthy way, and that "salve" feeling was just a drug addiction that we both needed to resist.  But when I imagine him in pain over something it just kills me to think that I could have helped and didn't.  At the same time, I never did help him.  I always hurt him.  And he hurt me too.

I don't even remember our last interaction well, but my best recollection is that he found some peace with me getting engaged but needed me to leave him alone.  So, I did, and am still leaving him alone.  I can't remember if there was ever anything beyond that, or even if that is really true.  Sometimes I think, it's been long enough, we should be able to be normal and it should be okay, and then I think... I can't even imagine being normal with him, and I'm not even sure I want to be, so where does that leave things?

Once or twice when we were on a "no contact" period I would drive into his complex and just look at his window.  He saw me do this once, so (even though I don't have that car anymore) I'm too scared to do it now - both for that reason and because I just cannot even crack open that door.

I have resigned myself to the fact that texting guy is going to haunt me forever, and that I am always going to be a little bit in love with him, and that that is okay.  It doesn't mean I love my husband less, and honestly if there is anyone in the whole world who understands this and is not threatened by it, it's my husband.

But the dreams have gotten more frequent and more intense and I don't know if they mean that something bigger is wrong, that I have veered off an important path.  These are things I will never know.

2014 readers

Hi everyone-

I made my blog public again, because it's been long enough (I think) that the reasons I locked it down no longer apply.

Things are generally good, but I am crazy as always.  I am now almost married (to a guy I got to know during the Rules experiment, but dated after I had dropped the Rules) and have a 7-month old daughter.  I am now trying to figure out how not to be a horribly anxious parent.

If you'd like to read my Rules experiment from 2010, feel free.  It gets kind of dramatic at the end, after the six-month experiment was over.  If I had insisted on continuing with the Rules, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be with the guy I'm with... he's just NEVER going to comply with the stricter ones like calling for Saturday night dates.  But if I had applied Rules principles (funny phrase) longer, without being super strict on the exact Rules, I might have ended up in a stable relationship and settled down sooner than I did.  Rules principles being, mostly, "don't be all insecure and shit, and don't put up with being treated poorly but also don't create a big production out of it."

Love,
Rulebreaker

last words

I got into a car accident last weekend, and my six-month-old car was totaled.  It wasn't my fault, and I am not seriously injured.  These are things I should be and am highly grateful for.  But my six-month-old car was totaled.  I am, for many reasons, highly annoyed by this.

I was lamenting the anticipated loss of my car to someone shortly after the accident, one of my musician friends who is a little new-agey, and he asked me,

was there something just a little off about that car?

He did not mean mechanically, of course. He meant, was there some negative energy emanating from that car in some way, something that meant that that car should not be in my life.

My instinct was a resounding -no.  I loved that car!  I worked hard for that car!  I refused to settle on the color, on anything!  I adored everything about that car!  That car was so cute and so practical, and so suited for exactly what I needed it for!

But in the back of my head, something nagged me.

There *was* something a little off about that car.  Me.  I was handed the keys to that car after a jovial early match in a protracted game of make-believe, in which I persisted for months in entertaining a fantasy that would prove to be monumentally destructive.

And remembering it, I am inclined to feel like my totaled car got off easy.

Not exactly what I had in mind for closure, but it works.

My rental, which I sort of hate, has XM radio.  I have found myself listening to Broadway tunes.  They are magical.  They are vibrant and compelling and familiar.  It makes me so cheerful on my drive to and from work.

I found out that there is a musical called, of all things, Chess.  It has one song that goes...


Nothing is so good
It lasts eternally.
Perfect situations
Must go wrong,
But this has never yet
Prevented me
Wanting far too much
For far too long.


Looking back, I could
Have played it differently--
Won a few more moments,
Who can tell?
But it took time
To understand the man.
Now at least I know
I know him well.

Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


No one in your life
Is with you constantly.
No one is completely
On your side,
And though I move
My world to be with him,
Still the gap between us
Is too wide.



Wasn't it good? Oh, so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh, so fine.
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?


But in the end he needs 
A little bit more than me--
More security.
He needs his fantasy
And freedom.
I know him so well.


I do not know anything about the musical "Chess."  But these words hit me, and help me to let go of yet another symbol of my attachment.

world series of bitterness

I have relatively few sports loyalties.  The only one that stuck from my upbringing was the Braves.  I root for my Big Ten alma mater too, but not enough to go out of my way to pay attention to it.   

I do enjoy sports, though, and I enjoy deciding who I want to win a particular game and rooting for that team.  Especially during March Madness.  I wonder what the Rules would say about my instinct to root against whatever team any of my exes likes?  (Ergo, go Rangers!)  The anti-rooting also applies to my ex-bosses.  And this negative bias is enough to overcome any positive bias towards a team I have from other sources.  My grandparents grew up in St. Louis, for example, but the fact that I dated a guy from there means that I simply cannot root for the Cardinals.

I suppose I've found a way to turn sports into a girly activity, albeit an unsophisticated one.  And I don't think the Rules would approve of me telling everyone in the sports bar WHY I'm rooting for the Rangers in the World Series, but I also don't think they would care too much that this is the best decisionmaking proxy I've got.

Hopefully I don't run out of teams!

addiction paradigm

As I alluded to in my last, froofy post - many, including my therapist, have encouraged me to utilize an addiction paradigm when struggling with avoiding unhealthy relationships and interactions.  And usually I find this way of thinking very persuasive and very effective.  I have accepted that I am wired as a dramaholic, and I am SO much better, happier, more pleasant, and more mySELF when I am sober.

Owing in large part to my newfound philosophy, I have successfully avoided unhealthy relationships over the past few months, probably better and more effectively than I have in my entire life.  This has involved cutting some people out, scaling back my relationships with some people, and working extra-hard to invest in some of the relationships that had accidentally soured but that I care about but don't believe were inherently unhealthy themselves.

Except that the analogy does not cover the part that is the most difficult for me, which is that with relationships, the crack has feelings too.

For example, I have probably spent the better part of a year more or less emotionally shutting out my parents.  I'm not sure they noticed it that much, because I haven't always been the most frequent communicator with them.  But in going through some of the mindfulness exercises and attempting to change the way I think and respond to stimuli has made me wary of veering too close to the people who I think taught me a very unhealthy way of being.

My brain does not blame them for this.  I think my parents are AWESOME, incredible people.  They loved their kids so much and only wanted the best for them.  But still, I have some hesitation and fear of those explosive fights that I used to have with my mother, of the judgment that silently broods in the background of my relationship with my father.  And I have felt more peaceful with my minimal and largely superficial interactions with them.

Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" (a book which ultimately has some very good concepts, but I do not like Tolle's writing style or, really, Tolle himself), speaks of the "pain-body."  I can't explain the concept very well, but it's sort of like a demon within, which feeds on conflict and insecurity and lots of other negative things, and basically wants to create unhappiness for you.  Tolle says many people spend most of their time living in their pain-body.  And again, while I think Tolle is nothing short of a pompous ass, this concept strikes me.

Taking it a step further, some of the people with which I have felt the strongest connection in my life - on some level I believe that connection was between our pain bodies, not ourselves.  My mother and I triggered each others' pain bodies quite easily - more so than any other pair in my six-person family (except perhaps my parents with each other).  My best friend from law school's pain body was absolutely kindred to mine - even though I do believe we have a soul-level connection as well.  But our pain-body connection makes it sometimes difficult to listen to her go through a painful situation because everything she feels and thinks is so close to home.  And "true love," as Tolle himself points out, can easily be mistaken for pain-body love; but the pain-body love is so consuming and addictive that it will try to overpower you into believing that you are missing something if you are not essentially in agony.  I now believe that most of what Hollywood portrays as "love" is pain-body love.  The projection has a devastating effect on all of us wonderers offscreen, already prone to pain-body ways.

So what do I do with this insight?   I want to improve my relationship with my parents, but I might just not be ready yet.  I know that as a child I was defenseless to my parents' insecurities and reactions and pain.  I am stronger now, an adult, not as susceptible to this, but still in a fragile state having not been "on the wagon" for too long.  I want to be there for my law school best friend, but the things her pain-body says to me are so true to my pain-body that I fear I will believe them.

It is a slow process, I know.  But I do not relish that others may be hurt by the way I feel I need to take care of myself.

landlocked

I'm not sure quite what possessed me to google my ex husband tonight. Seriously, all I wanted to do was put away my summer clothes, revel in the change of seasons and the promise of a new Jewish year, start putting a dent in the pile of work that is looming over me this week, and go the heck to bed before midnight.

You see, I was married briefly while I was in law school. For less than a year, and it seems so crazy now. I don't go around advertising this fact about myself, but neither am I ashamed of it, and occasionally it will come up in conversation. People usually seem surprised and mildly disturbed by it. The question I always get from them is, "are you still in touch?" And I get the sense that it would make them feel better about the fact that I'm divorced if my ex husband and I were buddies or something.

Well, sorry, folks, my ex husband and I are not buddies. My sisters and childhood best friend are still facebook friends with him (which I am not super happy about, but I try to reserve my "defriend my ex, you bitch"es for dire situations).  My last contact with my ex husband was when I e-mailed him this past summer to let him know that my rabbi would be contacting him so that I could finally obtain a Jewish divorce from him. And this is the extent of my existing relationship with a person I once promised in front of all my friends and family to spend my life with.

After googling my ex, I could not help but marvel at the irony.  The results were jarring, and I instantly remembered back to living in the midwestern city where I attended law school and he taught at the local highschool.  He claimed to be teaching because it was the easiest way to get three months off every year.  He at times seemed rather ambitionless and was quite happy for me to be the breadwinner, as it was looking like things would turn out.  We talked about where we would move after I graduated.  I mentioned Atlanta, where my sister lived.  He didn't want to move to Atlanta because there was not enough water - no place to put a boat.

Six years later, I live in Atlanta.  He lives on a boat.  Oh, and he went to law school and is working at a law firm now.

There is something meaningful about destiny within this set of facts, but I'm not sure what.  Perhaps it's just that the different pages that we were on then have become so clear fast forwarding through a few chapters of our -- separate -- lives.  Even if, in an ironic twist, he ended up on the same law-firm-associate page as me.    And I can learn a little about the essence of me by looking back at myself with him, and at him now, and me now.

He is such an important part of my past, if a difficult part.  I wish him and his wife nothing but the best.  But not even a little do I want to reconnect with my ex husband, to say "hi, what's up, nice BOAT" or anything.  That ship, pardon the bad pun, has sailed.

And I don't think being in each other's lives--with the reminder of that painful time, the reminder of the person that I was, who I did not like very much, the inevitable "what ifs" that drift into my consciousness regardless of  my unequivocal lack of regret over the fact that that relationship ended--would do either of us any good.

I used to say to people that the proximity of the ocean comforted me for some reason, as if I could somehow swim away if things got dicey.  But knowing he goes to sleep in a harbor every night, I have never felt safer to be landlocked.

(aside: "safer" is used in an emotional sense, and is not intended to reflect poorly on my ex husband)

Recently, I discovered that another ex, the ex boyfriend that I was getting over during my first six months of rules, was moving out of Atlanta.  Mind you, I discovered this in a somewhat bizarre manner--a very close friend of mine with whom I had become distant because she was *dating* him informed me that we could be friends again because he broke up with her due to his impending move.  She advised me of this approximately two hours after I had exclaimed in lighthearted frustration to my paralegal over this very situation, "why doesn't he just MOVE!"

I am ashamed to admit this, but learning of this ex's move marked a turning point for me - G-d had finally thrown me a little bone, just enough to remind me that the acute situational anxiety I felt I had been experiencing from every possible angle was ephemeral.  I suddenly felt faith; I regained motivation to rebuild my life and myself.  With just this little symbolic push, I finally came up for air after months of drowning in addiction to drama and depression and dissatisfaction and torment--

and by and large, I have been dry ever since.

Safe and dry, but it has not been without effort.  As the alcoholic who cannot even have a sip, whose friends greet the very vision of her holding a wine glass with looks of pure terror, I know how important it is for me to stay far away from the shore.

And it is for this reason, despite my affinity for the ocean, that landlocked I shall remain.

Work in progress

I just had a nice dinner with my friend JR, also a blogger, and we discussed some frustration with the whole blogging model. We both want to write in an exploratory fashion in our blogs in order to find whatever "hook" that we would need to make it a good "blog." So JR has resisted rude calls to change her blog, and I will resist my internal urge to force another experiment - not that I'm giving up on my six months of Rulebreaker's Rules entirely, just that I have not yet done enough self-observation and exploration to launch into that kind of policymaking exercise.

So my blog is currently in limbo, uncertainty, without such a major defined purpose. Such disorder usually makes me uncomfortable, but I need to learn to live in the gray.

OK, I finally read the damn thing

Pressing pause on the whole "what is this alleged new six months supposed to be about" dilemma for a moment to tie up some loose ends from my original six months.

Sick of having my arguments against "He's just not that into you" (see, e.g. http://sixmonthsofrules.blogspot.com/search/label/hesjustnotthatintoyou) undermined by having to admit that I never actually read the book, I actually read the book.

I felt more or less about it how I expected to. "Greg" (the self-righteous male author) condescendingly schools us poor hot-but-misguided women how Men are a certain way, brags about his pussy-whipped marriage, and backs up his evidence with shamelessly anecdotal polling of the total douchebags he probably hangs out with. "Liz" (female author) talks about how annoying Greg is, but this ultimately proves a straw man, as it's obvious she's selling it too. And even under the guise of empowerment, the book continuously portrays women as helpless victims by default, always in the role of the dumped and discarded. Not even a mention of the fact that women can be crazy bitches who treat men poorly too? This book makes that seem like a sort of impossibility.

And can I digress for a second about how much I hate the sappy "Hey Gorgeous Woman (that's you!)"? I understand that we should all think of ourselves as attractive, worthy of love, etc., yada yada, but this particular device falls completely flat in this book. I don't want to be told how attractive I am by some smug married dude who has never seen me.

A few decent concepts *are* in there, albeit buried. "Greg" concedes implicitly that "he's just not that into you" is a basic working assumption so that you can move on from guys who, for whatever reason, aren't measuring up. For example:

"He may think he loves you, and maybe he does. But he's really bad at it. And it's exactly the same result as if he was just not that into you."

"He may be really into you, but he's certainly not really compatible with you."

"Mr. I'm Just Not Up For It is exactly the same guy as Mr. I'm Just Not That Into You. One of them may say he can't be with you, but it's still the same result. He isn't going to be with you. Don't let his personal complications confuse you into waiting around for him. He's not able to be really into you. And you deserve better."

So if it's just a mantra, I can dig it - but a less discerning reader might not catch that. I do think it is good to conceptually adjust to the idea of a guy not being that into you. I also think that some women need this mantra more than others. In general, I'm the opposite. I'm more likely to not put up with ANYTHING, and assume that the slightest tiny little thing means someone is just not that into me, throw a fit, threaten to break up, etc. etc. And this book veers a little too far into the realm of "if a guy doesn't do [INSERT ANY WHIM] for you, he's just not that into you." This gives neurotic chicks like me an excuse to go psycho and feel inadequate because no one is fawning over us and casting all of his own needs aside for our every wish. And I - still - think this is a Major Problem with injecting "he's just not that into you" into our culture.

So, maybe "he's just not that into you" just isn't for me - but there was one past relationship that I was constantly reminded of as I read this book. Perhaps only because it's relatively fresh, but I do believe that I diverged from my usual M.O. of "you don't love me because you won't do exactly what I want you to do all the time" to put up with a LOT more from this one guy than I should have. If I had actually allowed myself to believe this man just wasn't that into me - FOR REAL - at any point in the long, tragic path - I could have saved myself some serious pain, anxiety, lost time, pissed-off friends, etc....

Perhaps my favorite line, and the truest: "Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly."

Finally, although I do not buy into some of the generalized presumptions that underlie this book, it has prompted me to notice a few good things in my current relationship that I hadn't noticed previously. Not perfect, but good :) And it is nice to feel true appreciation for a good man who is, at least in some important ways, that into you.

Rule brainstorming

OK, I tried writing two Rulemaking posts and seem to have hit a bit of a wall. What is the point of this? My Rules blogging experiment seemed so easy to apply - this just seems like silliness at best.

Why make rules I know I'm only going to break? This was sort of the spinoff idea I suppose, based on my original Rules thing - those Rules already existed, I knew I would suck at them but tried them anyway. Here it seems like so far I'm making up principles with no rhyme or reason that are loosely based on challenges I've experienced. To me that sort of seems basically like "okay, I'm bitter - here's all the shit I did wrong - DON'T DO IT AGAIN." That seems neither healthy nor conducive to future self-confidence.

On the other hand, if I make rules that are more descriptive, that is, Rules I actually manage NOT to break (example: make your bed every day), do I really need to write about that? I mean sure, if I thought other people could be somehow assisted by that, but by and large I still consider myself a mess, so I don't think people should really be modeling their lives after mine.

Also I think my numbering placement scheme based on gematria is tarded ("tarded" is a quote from the movie "Idiocracy," which is why I don't consider its use here offensive).

So I think I'll brainstorm a little on what I want to have rules FOR, and how I want to figure out applying them, before I spend too much time on the ruleMAKING. I also think I'll do a little Rules reading again, because I really do aim to tie the original Fein and Schneider Rules into this - the Rules *did* help me, they were an important lily pad on my way across the pond, and now I'd like to find a way to incorporate the "real" Rules in addition to setting my own.

some brainstorming that may not make any sense to readers....

-respond, not react
-taking space
-moodiness
-creating drama
-exercise/taking care of self
-getting outside head
-focusing
-overpurchasing
-balancing friendships
-calm leadership
-forgiveness/letting go
-clutter
-obsessions

Rule 261: Avoid relapse

An absolutely ridiculous percentage of my relationships end up in what Jerry Seinfeld terms in one episode "the backslide," and describes as follows:

Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

As funny as this Seinfeld episode makes it, the backslide has been a huge problem in my life. The date --> break up --> move on model has been all but completely foreign to me. And I'm not talking about finding myself lightheartedly back in bed with Puddy. My relationships are giant monstrosities of coke machines that pick up momentum as they sway violently back and forth toward fatal impact.

And while on some level "regret" does not jive with my belief system, on another, I do not believe that I gained from my backsliding. In every case, I had enough information at the time of the first breakup. In every case, I still insisted on beating my head against a wall until I had the same conclusion plus a broken skull.

Not that there is anything per se wrong with breaking up and then getting back together. But you see, that is not what I do. I relapse. I get addicted to something - not the person, but something I associate with being with the person - and then I am powerless to make any decisions at all about it. Something takes over me and I fall into it, or let myself be pulled in, or pull him in. This impairs my ability to move on and to be happy in general.

Related rules/concepts:
-not being a drama queen

Challenges
-as I may get deeper into later, mental illness
-figuring out the right combination of heart and head for interacting with a former significant other

Rule 1771: Banish Hollywood-induced doubt

First, some housekeeping. I'm still working the kinks out of this new experiment. I'm supposed to be making my own rules, right? And rules are supposed to have numbers, right? Does that mean I start with #1? I don't think my life experiences are necessarily going to create rules in the order I would like to inscribe them fully. So what I'm doing is numbering my rules by typing a word or phrase into this nifty little gematria calculator: http://www.gematrix.org and using the "Jewish gematria" value. This is a placeholder, then if this set of six months ever turns into something coherent I can always renumber it. Note: I do not know anything about gematria, it just seems as good a way as any to number my Rules.



Alright, with that said...

Tonight I saw "The Adjustment Bureau." It has a thought-provoking concept that I enjoyed, and overall I think I'm glad I saw the movie even though (a) I am relatively confident that this movie and others like it contribute to the loneliness, anxiety, and general discontent of Gen X and younger (b) its ostensible message is among the most dangerous I have ever seen and (c) it reminded me of a movie I thought I really liked (Serendipity), instilling in me a newfound disgust for that film too.

I'm not going to spoil what I find to be the worthwhile parts of the movie, but I do need to give away a few plot elements (including strong insinuation at the ending) to make my point here. Stop reading if you don't want to know. And to reiterate in case you throw up in your mouth after reading this, the underlying concept of the movie is extremely cool and fun to talk about - other than to someone with whom you're in nebulous romantic territory, but that's another story.

Here is the bit of dialogue I think best captures my grievances about the movie:

Matt Damon: Was it serious?
British actress who is not Kate Beckinsale because that would have been too obvious, but who played a minor role in a couple of other American movies including "Dan in real life": We were engaged.
Matt: So, not really that serious?
[she laughs]
Brit: Right.
Matt: Well, what happened?
Brit: Do you wanna know this?
Matt Damon: Yeah.
Brit: Um...he was a great guy. Brilliant choreographer and dancer and...we had the same group of friends. We'd known each other a long time.
Matt: He sounds great. Why didn't you marry him?
Brit: Because of you. I'm not hopeless romantic. I'd never allow myself to be that way. But once I felt, even for a moment what I felt with you, you ruined me. I didn't want to settle for less.
Matt: I know the feeling.
Brit: Scares the shit out of me.
Matt: I'm not gonna hurt you.
Brit: You don't need to say that.
Matt: I'm not gonna hurt you. This is the first time in...in twenty five years that I don't feel like I'm by myself.
Brit: Ooph! That's an awful lot of responsibility for me. I don't know if I'm quite comfortable with that.
[they both laugh]
Matt: Too late.

Now, of course, at the time Not Kate Beckinsale decides not to get married because of Matt Damon, she had spent all of twelve minutes with him?

Not Kate, if you don't want to marry the guy, don't marry him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You might not even know why you don't want to marry him. Fine. *Don't marry him.* But to delude yourself into thinking that the true sources of your doubt is the fantasy you lived out on a city bus and in a men's bathroom (where you were hiding from the authorities for a transgression that is portrayed as adorable and intriguing but in reality would probably come across as deranged) - that's some serious projection.

But the thing is, those transparently-absurd moments romance in mediocre scripts not only inject doubt into the mind of the not-particularly-compelling character - they inject doubt into our minds too. Even if our conscious minds know better. Recognizing this reality disconnect is the first step. Where to go from there? Here are some initial thoughts:

How to banish:
-Watch something that has nothing to do with romance.
-Watch Fiddler on the Roof - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0
-Think of your favorite down-to-earth happy couple.

Challenges:
-Banishing these negative and unrealistic portrayals while also allowing yourself to be inspired by depictions of love

Related rules/concepts:
-Don't compare yourself to other people's relationships

Alright, there goes my first Rulemaking entry. Stay tuned, and feel free to give thoughts...

Rulemaker

Friend #1 from some early entries recently started a non-anonymous blog, which inspired me to go back and read my blog.

And, apropos of my friend's blog, it struck me how those six months of active blogging and the several months afterward was all in all, a very high point of my existence. Then, as my blog entries drop off in frequency, my life spirals downward in a corresponding fashion. By March of this year, I was in the midst of perhaps my lowest point.

Was it the Rules that helped me during that six-month period? Or was it the fact that I was observing and recording my experiences, which allowed me to feel them less intensely, or less judgmentally?

I don't know. Probably some of both. So, I'm going to try to another Six Months of Rules.

I'm done applying Sherrie & Ellen's Rules in their stated form, though I might refer to them from time to time. Although I just came up with this idea five seconds ago, the current plan is to use my next six months to articulate my own Rules. And Rulebreaker's Rules won't be solely romance-focused, as I think that is probably the best method of trying to make sure that my life isn't solely romance-focused (something I have trouble with).

So here goes. As the first of Elul bleeds into the first of September and the time of self-reflection in the Jewish calendar fast approaches, I'll begin another six months - this time I make the Rules.

Dear Abby wins

Admire how pithily Abby smacks down this woman, while providing the correct and unfortunate advice.

DEAR ABBY: I am with a man who treats me and my kids great. He is kind, caring and very generous. I trust him. However, I have been in a couple of bad relationships. For some reason, I'm drawn to "bad" boys. I'm not sure if I really love this man because there is no "spark." None! Should I stay with someone who is a really great person and treats me good -- but there is no passion -- and learn to live with it, or do I end the relationship? -- NOT SURE WHAT TO DO IN CANADA


DEAR NOT SURE: You might as well end the relationship now because sooner or later you will become bored and it will end anyway. The man you're seeing deserves to have someone who fully appreciates what he has to offer, which you seem unable to do. Continue dating "bad boys" until you finally stop confusing anxiety and disappointment with excitement. You appear to be one of those women who has to learn what's important through pain. You have my sympathy.

To this, I can only hang my head in shame.

As I enter my thirty-first year, I pray that I have learned what's important through pain, so that I can finally stop confusing anxiety and disappointment with excitement.

It would take an acrobat

and I already tried all that...

enlightenment

There's really nothing like listening to someone go over a long list of grievances about you, not feeling defensive about it at all, realizing that the complaints are completely accurate, and suddenly understanding what the hell your problem is.

control

After feeling lots of backlash against the Rules as embodied in my last bitter post, I'm trying to come back to some of their good points, the stuff that centered me.

Here's what I've come up with today, as a note to self:

Rulebreaker, if you feel the need to control something, go organize your closet.

That is all.

drama

In a subdued sense, Rules is kind of based on drama. Make him want you. Make him think he can't have you. Make him understand that if he wants to see you every day, he has to marry you. Make him wonder if you'll say yes to any given invitation or question, so it's a game that he has to win to try to get you to. If you can actually figure out a way to create this artificial demand, it works incredibly well. He will want you. Badly. (Aside: the Rules as expressed is a rather unsophisticated and not particularly reliable method for creating artificial demand for yourself - if you want the lesson in "how to create artificial demand - and probably a bloody mess," give me a call. I have years of expertise.) But it's still just a game. A chase. Excitement. Drama. Despite what my track record will tell you, I don't want drama. I have absolutely no use for it. I don't even know if I want excitement anymore, if this is what I have to go through to get it. I want someone to end the day with, who I like to hold and kiss, who doesn't drive me fucking crazy. And who likes me for reasons other than because he thinks he won me as a prize.

Needing the Rules again

I do think need for the Rules comes and goes, and I'm starting to need them again. So starting in this - again - new chapter of my life - I am going to try to apply them in some way to this ridiculous situation of trying to build a professional partnership and a romantic partnership at the same time. Will I write about it? I don't know. This is only a thought in my mind right now.