As I alluded to in my last, froofy post - many, including my therapist, have encouraged me to utilize an addiction paradigm when struggling with avoiding unhealthy relationships and interactions. And usually I find this way of thinking very persuasive and very effective. I have accepted that I am wired as a dramaholic, and I am SO much better, happier, more pleasant, and more mySELF when I am sober.
Owing in large part to my newfound philosophy, I have successfully avoided unhealthy relationships over the past few months, probably better and more effectively than I have in my entire life. This has involved cutting some people out, scaling back my relationships with some people, and working extra-hard to invest in some of the relationships that had accidentally soured but that I care about but don't believe were inherently unhealthy themselves.
Except that the analogy does not cover the part that is the most difficult for me, which is that with relationships, the crack has feelings too.
For example, I have probably spent the better part of a year more or less emotionally shutting out my parents. I'm not sure they noticed it that much, because I haven't always been the most frequent communicator with them. But in going through some of the mindfulness exercises and attempting to change the way I think and respond to stimuli has made me wary of veering too close to the people who I think taught me a very unhealthy way of being.
My brain does not blame them for this. I think my parents are AWESOME, incredible people. They loved their kids so much and only wanted the best for them. But still, I have some hesitation and fear of those explosive fights that I used to have with my mother, of the judgment that silently broods in the background of my relationship with my father. And I have felt more peaceful with my minimal and largely superficial interactions with them.
Eckhart Tolle, author of "A New Earth" (a book which ultimately has some very good concepts, but I do not like Tolle's writing style or, really, Tolle himself), speaks of the "pain-body." I can't explain the concept very well, but it's sort of like a demon within, which feeds on conflict and insecurity and lots of other negative things, and basically wants to create unhappiness for you. Tolle says many people spend most of their time living in their pain-body. And again, while I think Tolle is nothing short of a pompous ass, this concept strikes me.
Taking it a step further, some of the people with which I have felt the strongest connection in my life - on some level I believe that connection was between our pain bodies, not ourselves. My mother and I triggered each others' pain bodies quite easily - more so than any other pair in my six-person family (except perhaps my parents with each other). My best friend from law school's pain body was absolutely kindred to mine - even though I do believe we have a soul-level connection as well. But our pain-body connection makes it sometimes difficult to listen to her go through a painful situation because everything she feels and thinks is so close to home. And "true love," as Tolle himself points out, can easily be mistaken for pain-body love; but the pain-body love is so consuming and addictive that it will try to overpower you into believing that you are missing something if you are not essentially in agony. I now believe that most of what Hollywood portrays as "love" is pain-body love. The projection has a devastating effect on all of us wonderers offscreen, already prone to pain-body ways.
So what do I do with this insight? I want to improve my relationship with my parents, but I might just not be ready yet. I know that as a child I was defenseless to my parents' insecurities and reactions and pain. I am stronger now, an adult, not as susceptible to this, but still in a fragile state having not been "on the wagon" for too long. I want to be there for my law school best friend, but the things her pain-body says to me are so true to my pain-body that I fear I will believe them.
It is a slow process, I know. But I do not relish that others may be hurt by the way I feel I need to take care of myself.
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