As if reprise

A commenter on my previous entry noted that "as if" is a rather dishonest defense mechanism. She recommended that I avoid my former boyfriend at all costs because it is too painful right now, and causes unnecessary negative emotional reactions. She has a good point, and my friends definitely had that instinct when I talked about the issue with them.

The problem is that I don't think I *can* avoid him totally. I have come to believe the fear of him is a) worse than the reality of him, and b) allowing him too much control over my decisions. I end up feeling worse seeing his name on an RSVP to an event I'd like to go to than I think I would if he were just there and I didn't know about it beforehand. I realized this a couple of weeks ago and decided not to look at facebook RSVPs anymore, a strategy that has been largely effective in ridding myself of him-related unpleasantness. Unfortunately, there are always events I will strongly suspect he will attend because I know him; and for the Purim party in question, when I clicked to RSVP, he was one of the 8 or so people listed at the bottom of the page. I can accept these things, because I know I cannot control them.

Now that I have broken the ice on some level, I think I can ignore him at future events and leave it to him if he wants to talk to me. Which he will not, because in truth, he is a pansy, something I say not as a bitter woman, but someone who tried very hard to put up with his pansy-ness for a very long time.

The "as if" attitude is a defense mechanism, as became clear to me when I spilled my guts to my friend that afternoon. However, this particular defense mechanism or versions of it are recommended by such authoritative sources as Hasidic masters, Charlie Chaplin, and my mother (who thinks that wearing makeup and making your bed is the best way to feel better).

For the first month after the breakup, I was not at all ready to act "as if." I dumped on my sister and my friends all the damn time. I am ready now, and I think "as if" is probably the best approach for me. I shut him out of my mind and have stopped talking about him entirely; part of why Friend1 was surprised at my entry the other day after I did not mention it during our last outing.

I am suppressing and I know it. But I try to allow myself to indulge the feelings in safe spaces and on kickass playlists, when I need to. I just don't really need to anymore. I am ready to MOVE ON, although I wasn't for a while. Next!