Seriously, this is a good thing. Let me tell you why.

This morning I went to a Jewish organization's community service day where there were multiple projects. Most people had chosen a project in advance, but I had made a game-time decision to go so I went to the pre-project brunch and scoped projects. One looked really interesting to me until I happened to glance down at the table and saw facebook guy's name on a nametag for that project. Ruled that project out. Didn't see him at the brunch, but did a pretty damn good job of not looking. The project I ultimately chose was conceptually similar to the one I'd rejected because of fb guy, except much much less convenient in terms of location. No matter; I had a fantastic time, was in my element, and also got to use a pressure washer. If you have not operated one of these things, I imagine it is similar to the feeling some people get when firing a gun.

Badass.

I was quite upset over fb guy on Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday morning (which I took off from work. But after a very busy Friday afternoon at work and giving a d'var Torah at services) I pretty much felt fine. I continued to pretty much feel fine through the weekend, even though his name and/or face kept popping up all over the damn place. These things were minor annoyances, not major heartbreaks.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that fb guy and I really weren't all that. I mean, that hadn't been made totally clear yet, of course, but a lot of what I was daydreaming was so great about him was in my own head. This bothers me somewhat, because one of the main points of this whole deal is that I'm trying to work on assessing things as they are. But it's good for me to realize it.

It's also good for me to have proof that not all breakup-like-things are like my last one. (I realize calling this a breakup is a bit of a stretch, but I mean, he called me and told me he wanted to not date me in order to date someone else!) I was very upset at first, but I bounced back quickly and unscathed. Most likely part of the reason I was that upset at first was fear of how upset I had been the last time around. It's a huge relief to know it's not always that bad.

Finally, running into fb guy with someone else so immediately after he rejected me for that person, and not even feeling the least bit like I wanted to cry about it, is self-affirming, and good practice for eventually running into the real Ex.

So fb guy's role in my life was to put me up against some of my fears and cause me to realize that I can handle them.

And maybe, somewhat recursively, to bring me closer to understanding the Ex's role in my life.

As if reprise

A commenter on my previous entry noted that "as if" is a rather dishonest defense mechanism. She recommended that I avoid my former boyfriend at all costs because it is too painful right now, and causes unnecessary negative emotional reactions. She has a good point, and my friends definitely had that instinct when I talked about the issue with them.

The problem is that I don't think I *can* avoid him totally. I have come to believe the fear of him is a) worse than the reality of him, and b) allowing him too much control over my decisions. I end up feeling worse seeing his name on an RSVP to an event I'd like to go to than I think I would if he were just there and I didn't know about it beforehand. I realized this a couple of weeks ago and decided not to look at facebook RSVPs anymore, a strategy that has been largely effective in ridding myself of him-related unpleasantness. Unfortunately, there are always events I will strongly suspect he will attend because I know him; and for the Purim party in question, when I clicked to RSVP, he was one of the 8 or so people listed at the bottom of the page. I can accept these things, because I know I cannot control them.

Now that I have broken the ice on some level, I think I can ignore him at future events and leave it to him if he wants to talk to me. Which he will not, because in truth, he is a pansy, something I say not as a bitter woman, but someone who tried very hard to put up with his pansy-ness for a very long time.

The "as if" attitude is a defense mechanism, as became clear to me when I spilled my guts to my friend that afternoon. However, this particular defense mechanism or versions of it are recommended by such authoritative sources as Hasidic masters, Charlie Chaplin, and my mother (who thinks that wearing makeup and making your bed is the best way to feel better).

For the first month after the breakup, I was not at all ready to act "as if." I dumped on my sister and my friends all the damn time. I am ready now, and I think "as if" is probably the best approach for me. I shut him out of my mind and have stopped talking about him entirely; part of why Friend1 was surprised at my entry the other day after I did not mention it during our last outing.

I am suppressing and I know it. But I try to allow myself to indulge the feelings in safe spaces and on kickass playlists, when I need to. I just don't really need to anymore. I am ready to MOVE ON, although I wasn't for a while. Next!

Rulebreaker/Homewrecker

Today I found out that I broke up a relationship.



OK, perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit. I am hardly a threat to any relationship, as for some reason my guy-sensors instantly go dead as soon as I know someone is taken (possible exception: ex boyfriends, but that has only happened once). Also, I'm really very nice and cool to the wives and girlfriends of male coworkers, friends, etc. Rulebreaker is not at all the homewrecker type.

No, my blog indirectly led to one of my female readers determining that her boyfriend wasn't putting enough effort in, and she Nexted him.

This reminds me very much of Jennifer Aniston's character in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." That guy manned up in the end, I think. Only time will tell on this one.