Read between the lines

• 9 - How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
• "End the date first…especially if you like him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply sigh, and say, 'Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow.' Don't say what it is you're doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though you're dying to do more."
• "Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first three dates should be like 'being and nothingness.' Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too much feeling, investment, or heart."

• 11 - Always End the Date First
• "The first date or two should last no more than five hours."
• "[Ending the date first] must be done because you must leave him wanting more of you, not less. If he wants to know more about you as the date is ending, he can always call you the next day or ask you out again when he drops you off."

• 15 - Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
• "But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you can sleep with him on the first or second date? Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or months, you won't be sorry. Why risk having him call you easy (and think of you that way) when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day? Better that he be angry and strategizing ways of seducing you on the next date than moving on to the next girl. Making him wait will only increase his desire and create more passion when you finally have sex whenever you're ready."
• "Now you might argue that you don't mind having sex with him on the first or second date and taking your chances, that it's okay with you if he doesn't call again because you're both grown-ups and you can take your lumps. We know from experience, of course, that most girls who say this are lying to themselves. Deep down inside it's not okay with a woman if she sleeps with a man and he doesn't call…Every woman we know who said it was okay if a man didn't call after sex was actually not okay when he didn't call. When you sleep with him on the second date, you don't really know if he's going to be a gentleman or a creep. Rules girls don't take risks. We wait until we're sure before having sex."

• Chapter 6, Book II: Long-Distance Relationships Part I: How They Should Start
• "[B]ecause you broke The Rules by spending so much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after a week or two just to say hello but doesn't make plans to see you. Or he cals and asks you to fly to [his city] to see him, or makes plans to see you in [your city] but only because he's going to be there on business anyway… Looking back on the evening--and after reading The Rules--you realize that you didn't play hard to get. You spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked him and the challenge was gone. We're not saying that had you walked away or turned him down a couple of times for dances that he would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship…But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances, you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved and hurt…When you spend four or five hours with a man you just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting, even if he made the first move. When he goes back home, he may not think you're that special or dream about seeing you again because you were too available… The oly way to know if a man is really interested in you -- instead of just filing up a few hours -- is to not accept a last-minute date. When you make him wait several days to see you or you make him wait until he's in town again a month later, he gets to experience longing. If his feelings about you are just lukewarm, he won't bother to make a date beforehand--by following The Rules, you'll avoid wasting your time and having your hopes dashed later on."
• Here, you're thinking this is true love, and he's thinking sex, sand, and fun for a week.

• Online Rule 17 Dates One, Two, or Three
• "We believe you should then date a man for several months before sleeping with him… Why? Because you don't want to sleep with a man until you are pretty sure it is meaningful. Physical intimacy should happen slowly over a period of six to eight dates, not impulsively on the first or second date, no matter how you feel or how long you've been reading his e-mails and think you 'know' him."

• The Rules for Long-Distance Relationships (Online)
• "The biggest mistake women are making in long-distance relationships is that they are hopping on planes to meet these online guys. Every woman who does this has a good reason, including: … she has friends, relatives, or business in that town… Whatever the reason is, it is not The Rules if you agree to meet a man first under any circumstances…[t]hat puts you in the position of pursuer and allows him to be complacent."
• "Usually when a woman visits a man first or once, it is like taking one sip or one bite of something delicious: It's never a one-time thing. She usually ends up visiting him three or four times until she realizes that he is using her and the relationship is not reciprocal."

TMI

I have been pondering how TMI to get in this blog. On one hand, I'm not a very private person with my friends. On the other, there's just some things I might not want to write about myself on the internet, even if it's only my friends reading it. And some of the TMI is quite relevant to the process.

Luckily, I'm so backlogged on relevant blog posts to write that I don't really have to make this decision right now. I'm open to arguments. Perhaps I will just go post the TMI on the AO.

The Rules for long-distance setups

Finally, I am introducing a new character to the blog. A little late, I know, but it's high time I wrote about someone other than fb guy (who just made his relationship with other chick official on facebook, causing only minor mouth-puking on my part) and texting guy (who has, contrary to my big "closure" spiel, been calling and texting more often than usual and I'm pretty sure still thinks we're dating). Drumroll, please...

The Rules is fine with friend setups, but they're a little tricky. You both know it's a setup, so you know what the deal is and trying to treat it like "normal" dating seems almost silly. Also, if you're not telling your mutual friend that you're doing the Rules, you could come across as a jerk to both the guy and the friend.

The Rules is also fine with long-distance relationships as long as, for example, the guy visits first and so on.

I had the opportunity to try this in combination, which if you think about it is extremely weird. My friend (who knows that I'm attempting Rules but doesn't know about the blog) told me about this guy she thought I'd like in New York, and him about me. Basically we are both geeky Jews. I said sure, why not - I'm in New York all the time lately. She didn't know how to make the connection. I told her that she could either email us both at the same time or give him my contact info. She emailed both of us at the same time.

I waited in accordance with the Rules and the Rules of online dating.

He e-mailed. I complied with the Rules of online dating in my responses. He asked me out in the third e-mail for the next time I'd be in town. This was good, because if he hadn't and I had had to ignore his fourth e-mail like the Rules says, I'd probably have some explaining to do with my friend.

Now, he didn't offer to come to Atlanta to meet me, but a major pretense of us getting together was the fact that I came to NYC on business all the time. Plus he had just moved - and he did offer to meet me on the day he moved because that was the only day we overlapped in town. So I still think the Rules and I were square here. Also, I didn't offer up my phone number even though he gave me his, and technically I was probably allowed to at that point.

He picked me up at my hotel, and with an idea where to go. We went and had a beer and talked. Unfortunately I had skipped dinner and was starving to death. So when he asked whether I wanted another round I just had to ask if they had food here, which they did not, so that extended the date for us to go get food. But seriously, I was hungry.

Our conversation was good, and I hadn't checked the time in awhile. Then I opened my cell phone to show him something and bam! 3.5 hours had gone by.

OK, so I'd say first date scorecard was like a B/B- on this one. When he dropped me off at the hotel, he asked me when I'd be back in town and I said I wasn't sure, and he said to e-mail him.

I didn't, and he e-mailed me anyway! And we e-mailed back and forth, and made plans. I slipped up once when I saw a link I just had to send to him even though it wasn't my "turn" and it was after midnight.

The second date was so lovely that I threw the Rules into the East River. Metaphorically, of course.

xkcd on "Rules"

Independent, too busy to blog

Happy 4th! Instead of blogging in NYC, I spent the entire time dating and meeting people who know me only from my blog (or from the forums in which I whore it). This was awesome, but I have so much to say now and no time to say it. I'm also running out of time during the official experiment, which is supposed to be the interesting part, right? So I should make an effort to blog about it.

But it's 1:39 in the morning and I, ahem, have a date with texting guy tomorrow. Yes, he asked before Wednesday. And a holiday date's even more premium than Saturday night, right? Ok fine, he sort of ruined it by inviting me to stay over the night before too. But hey, I'm not doing that, so...

The reaction from my friends when I tell them I'll be with texting guy on the 4th is universally a load groan and incredulity as to why I would do this. The answers:

• I mean, I probably like him more than I let on. But I've tried hard to admit that possibility to myself and I'm still honestly not sure if it's accurate. This would usually be the true answer in my case.
  
• I do have FUN with the guy. I can't see myself in a real relationship with this man for reasons I have disclosed here and some I have not. Why not date for fun for a little? However, one friend swiftly poked a hole in this argument by reminding me that I said pretty much the exact same thing about the most recent ex.
  
• He asked me out for a Saturday-esque time FINALLY. I mean, don't I have to see what the hell that's like after all this??!!
• He is definitely the most interesting character in my blog, and I enjoy writing about him. (Actually I only really have two characters documented in the blog although there have been several more that I haven't had a chance to type up.) Texting guy is the Mr. Big to my Carrie. Sometimes I just have to go with that

But do not despair, non-fans of texting guy. I had an absolutely lovely date in NYC with a fixup, I have another first date the day after tomorrow, and I have three messages in my Jdate inbox waiting to be checked (but not until after the holiday is over)!