Blogaversary

I didn't even think of it until I got on to make this post, but I started this blog a year ago today.

I celebrated unknowingly, by telling texting guy about it.

Yes, texting guy, the main character in my blog and main man in my life during those six months, now has access to my entire thought process surrounding dating him.

Telling him about the blog was a bit of an accident. Honestly though, at some point I realized it was a matter of time before he knew about it. In an interesting twist that was starting to develop at the time of my last post, texting guy and I pretty much have no secrets anymore.

Right now the best way to describe my romantic life that I'm floating along in the universe, trying not to screw anything up too badly.

Texting guy doesn't trust the universe. I'm not sure if I do or not. My universe no longer has much room for the Rules, in any case.

Rulebreaker, Un-Single Person

For those of you counting, this is the end of month nine of the six months of Rules. That means I was single for almost ten months. A record, one I'm quite proud of.

As of last weekend, Rulebreaker has a boyfriend (music&lyrics).

Rules principles are helping me measure my actions and reactions in my new relationship, which is definitely making a big difference. I can already sense how my Rules-bolstered self is going to be better at conflict management in relationships. This isn't a Rules relationship by any means, but there are trace elements of the Rules that I have ingrained into my life philosophy, and it's a good change for sure.

To the extent major Rules issues come up, I'll probably post. When this relationship ends or doesn't, I'll probably post. I also still have on my to-do list to write reviews of all the dating websites.

Feel free to ask me Rules questions too, and I'll answer them. Regardless of whether I agree with all of them for me personally, I do approve of their use generally and definitely enjoy my pseudo-Rules-expert status.

In the meantime, thank you all for reading.

PS, I'm like, bff with texting guy. We email every day and have hung out and talked multiple times, about really personal stuff. Isn't that weird? I'm really happy about how that turned out too. I'm sort of afraid at some point I'm going to divulge this blog to him. Haha.

Nexting texting guy

Well, I finally did it.

Music&lyrics and I spent a ton of time together last week. Most of it was combined with a rehearsal or a performance. I'm not sure how to balance that with the Rules, btw - there are Rules for dating a coworker, but not for dating a co-songwriter. There are also Rules for dating a performer too. Regardless, I know I broke tons of Rules with him just because I wasn't strict about limiting the number of hours we spent together. I'm not really Rulesing him that much. But I digress.

During one of my conversations with music&lyrics over that week, he had specifically mentioned being jealous of texting guy one time when he saw us together, before anything happened between music&lyrics and me. Given that, I really felt like continuing to date texting guy in particular could jeopardize whatever is happening with music&lyrics. So I made up my mind to end it with texting guy.

As usual, I didn't know how. I waited until he called me, then when he asked to take me to the airport and the following approximate conversation ensued:

RB: Where is this coming from? I mean, you're being all nice and we're getting to the point where we are going to have to have a conversation.

TG: OK. Well, we don't have to have it NOW, do we?

RB: No.

[pause]

RB: But it's like, we've been pseudo-dating for eight months now, and it's not really going anywhere.

TG: See, now you're starting to have the conversation.

RB: Okay.

TG: I'd really like to see you before you leave town.

RB: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.

Then when we talked the next day, I was pissy about something else I'd heard about texting guy (which I won't go into here). And our schedules weren't going to allow for us to actually get together that night. I actually got irritated with him about the other thing, and then was basically like,

RB: I had hoped to do this in person, but ... you know, we've been dating for eight months, it's not going anywhere, and I can't date you anymore. I'd love to be your friend.

TG: .....

RB: .....

TG: .....

RB: I honestly didn't think you'd be that upset about this.

Texting guy actually resisted this somewhat. Apparently he didn't think this was the direction I was going when I had brought it up before (wow, he thought I was going to ask him to be in a relationship?!?!?!). We got into an actual conversation wherein he said a number of things and I said a number of things, all quite different from anything we'd ever discussed before. I'm not sure the conversation is fully over because he had to go and wanted to talk when I got back from out of town. Also, we texted a few times over the past week while I was away.

So we shall see. I am actually very interested in post-mortem-ing my relationship with texting guy. But just that - post-mortem. I think it could provide some very interesting insight into what the Rules actually did in this case. I would also seriously like to be his friend.

Dating two guys

I think I'm sort of dating both texting guy and music&lyrics right now. I communicate with both of them most days (even if just a text or an email). And I think I've become not only okay with that, but happy about it. It makes me a little less anxious about dating either of them.

Last night I called texting guy for distraction in a stressful situation and ended up breaking down about the situation and he was actually pretty good at helping me feel better. Then after we talked, in a later moment, the following text conversation took place:

Rulebreaker: awk awk awk

texting guy: ?

Rulebreaker: how is the office? [the show, that he had told me he was watching]

texting guy: i'm just happy you learned how to use text :)

Some of my friends think texting guy is starting to move towards relationship. I don't think so. But I'm in an okay place dating-wise right now, including him.

What about the Rules, you say?

I'm still measuring my actions - I don't express too much excitement in my tone, I don't say commitment-related things, I don't make the first move physically, I don't ask them on dates (although I have invited myself over to texting guy's place twice at my convenience), I don't generally initiate contact, I don't respond to contact that doesn't ask for a response. Right now this feels about right.

What's left over

I have been thinking over the past few weeks how it is almost as if I never did the Rules at all. I am basically back to my old flirty self, a girl who invites guys she likes to her performances and events and initiates conversations with everyone, including cute guys she doesn't know. A girl who IMs guys on Jdate when she's bored, who sends e-mails to guys on Jdate first, a girl who doesn't wait 24 hours to write somebody back. A girl who *GASP* texts. A girl who accepts a spontaneous dinner date with texting guy, and calls texting guy of her own accord after accepting a job offer. A girl who, in fact, talks to texting guy on the phone 8 times the day that she really really needed help dealing with an issue with her current employer being a jackass about her decision to quit. (Calm down everyone, I'm not in a relationship with texting guy, though it definitely went more in that direction last week than ever before - and he was extremely, extremely supportive through the mess with my employer.)

So I'm probably not a hardcore Rules Girl, in the end. But I'm happier and more confident and more independent and healthier than ever, including when I was doing the Rules. I needed to be a Rules Girl in order to figure out my own Rules. And in that process, some of The Rules stuck.

Case in point: new boy, let's call him "music & lyrics." (this is a new name, btw, I changed his name after a friend coined this one and it was so much more appropriate). I have been hesitant to include him in the blog at all. He's a professional musician and my co-performer in a number of services, some of them meditation services, and a couple of non-religious performances. The thought of dating him has definitely occurred to me as far back as February (I will have to look back to see if I actually mentioned him here back then), and we had been making eyes at each other for some time even before this past weekend. Uhhh, I had tried not to during the Rules, of course. (I actually looked back and found a reference to him here, indicating that not making eyes at him didn't exactly work well.) Anyhow, he's a creative type, and any flirtation I have perceived I have half-dismissed as stage chemistry or his inherent new-agey-in-tune-with-emotion-ness.

Lately I've been thinking about him more, inviting him to things and hanging out lots before and after performances (non-Rulesy), etc., but I have been on the fence about whether I actually want anything to happen there. Music&lyrics is the definition of high-risk, high-reward for me. He brought me back to my creative side, and has inspired me to start songwriting. His inclusion of me in performances allows me to make like I am actually a musician without actually having accomplished anything, not to mention the fact that I am euphorically high while I am performing with/around him. The contacts we share at synagogue (rabbi, board members, etc.) are extremely important to me and are also responsible for a lot of my current happiness and feeling of fulfillment. I have a lot to lose if we get together and the relationship gets fucked up. And with my track record of 100% of my relationships getting fucked up and about a 20% can-remain-friends-eventually-but-even-those-needed-some-dramatic-time-off ratio, the risk is very real and very scary. In other words, what I have with him now is probably more important to me personally, professionally, spiritually, than ANY preexisting relationship I have had with a boyfriend, EVER.

If I knew it would work though, it would be my dream relationship and my dream life.

Sigh. Back to the Rules.

Music&lyrics and I performed at what is best described as a 3-day-long Jewish summer camp for adults in a very idyllic, dare I say romantic, mountain setting. The vibe between us was palpable. Over the weekend several people asked me if we were dating. Long story short, he told me his ex-girlfriend (also present in said idyllic summer camp setting) had accused him of lying when he broke up with her because he had told her he couldn't date anyone but he was now dating me (she assumed). He said he told her he wasn't dating me, but then said he didn't want me to think that meant he wasn't interested...

Skipping over some more conversation and moments of awkwardness involving the two of us and his ex in the same room, we spent an hour on a swing at 3 in the morning holding hands like middle school kids. Then he suggested we head back to our respective cabins (omg I didn't end the "date" first!). We had a lingering goodbye hug, during which he said "is it okay if we take this slow?"

Rulebreaker's internal monologue: Take *what* slow exactly? Wtf does taking it slow mean? I don't think there is anything that exists to take slow. Are you explaining to me why you're not kissing me good night and why you didn't try to while we were on the swing for an hour? Is this blowing me off gently, or does it mean I have to feel guilty if I date other guys while we're "slowly" going somewhere? Also before we take anything slow or fast I would like to explain to you in gruesome detail how horrific it would be for me if we broke up and were awkward around each other.

Rulebreaker: Yes, sure. [breaks off hug and smiles] Have a good night!

The next day, when we had a moment alone, Music&lyrics says that he feels stupid for the last thing he said last night.

Rulebreaker: What do you mean?
Music&lyrics: You know, the whole thing about going slow and everything.
Rulebreaker: Oh, no problem. We don't need to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: [squirms]
Rulebreaker: Unless you want to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: Well, I don't know, I guess, is taking it slow something that is in accord with you?
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: That's an impossible question to answer since I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK "TAKING THINGS SLOW" MEANS. Do you want this to go somewhere and you're being careful? Or do you want this not to go somewhere and you're going to accomplish that by getting me to agree to some sort of abstract slow pace and then eventually we'll forget where we were going?
Rulebreaker: Sure. I thought I said that last night.
Music&lyrics: Well, I didn't know if you really meant it or if that was just something that you said in the moment.
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: So what other answers exist to this particular question? 'No, I really had hoped you'd propose at the end of the weekend?' Even if I hypothetically weren't ok with going slow, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, there is no way to articulate such sentiment without sounding completely psychotic.
Rulebreaker: Not at all - yeah, that's cool.

And despite my internal monologue, it IS cool. Whatever it means. I'm NOT acting as if. I'm just okay with the uncertainties and the lack of definitions and the open-endedness. So the Rule I seem to have internalized is, don't push. I'm giving him the space to do whatever he wants with. He can think about me, he can make us go forward at whatever pace he wants, he can initiate conversations about us - I'm not going to be putting any pressure on him at all. Pre-Rules Rulebreaker probably would have milked all the drama out of that conversation and required it to come to some sort of plan or conclusion. I feel really good about not handling it like that.

Although, in Rules fashion, I'm not going to stop dating other guys while he's all, uh, songwriting and shit.

Soundtrack: Bonnie Raitt, Something to Talk About

Texting guy's rules and policies

Since my experiment ended, I haven't been doing the Rules, but I've been living them more or less. I don't have to try hard not to check dating site mail. I really am too involved in my own life to spend much time worrying about guys calling.

I'm guessing this entry isn't going to win anybody over on texting guy, and that's ok. But for your amusement - One reader who came to my birthday party said that she had no idea texting guy would be such a huge tool. Another couple of readers said that they expected him to be less attractive. In any event, he's still around though I haven't seen him since the bday party. Here is an example of me not doing the Rules in a telephone conversation between me and texting guy.

After 35 minutes on the phone...

Texting guy: We should go out again sometime.

Rulebreaker: [pause] Okay.

Texting guy: Cool. Do I have to say when right now?

Rulebreaker: No, you don't, but I'm performing next weekend if you want to come.

Texting guy: Oh really, when?

Rulebreaker: [explains performance] There's a facebook event but I can't invite you.

Texting guy: Right, because we're not friends. [note: we have bantered about the fact that we're not facebook friends before, but neither of us has suggested making that happen]

Rulebreaker: Yup. We're not friends.

Texting guy: Well, I suppose we could become friends. But that would violate my rules and policies.

Rulebreaker: Your rules and policies, huh? And what are those?

Texting guy: [laughing] Not to facebook friend people I date.

Rulebreaker: [laughs] Yeah, I have that rule and policy too. But it's getting in the way at this point, because I have to tell [Rulebreaker and Texting guy's mutual friend] to invite you to events. [Note: by this I meant Jewish events I'm in charge of, and that was fairly clear, although it was the case for my birthday party as well.]

...

Texting guy: [reads screen out loud as he adds RB as a friend on facebook] I suppose we could always just defriend each other.

party time

My fairly massive birthday party is tomorrow. Likely in attendance, Rules-wise? Texting guy. Yes, he's still around. Haven't seen him since the July 4th party-hopping extravaganza, but we spent an hour on the phone a couple weeks ago, mostly talking about professional stuff. Then he disappeared as usual, and reemerged a few days ago by text (to which I did not respond), facebook message (to which I did not respond), and phone (which I picked up and spent eight minutes engaged in the usual banter). Yes I know I said I was totally done with him. But we can be friends, right? We just haven't had that conversation.

Others in attendance at my party? My parents. This should be interesting.

In any event, the fact that it is my birthday party means that the six months of Rules are nearly over. You can all look forward to my certainly profound conclusions on my actual birthday, Wednesday.

Closure day

On Independence Day 2000, I made a ten-hour drive to "surprise" a college boyfriend who had broken up with me earlier that summer, by phone, long distance. Basically, I needed to look at him and know that he didn't want me anymore to let it go. His mom knew I was coming; I'm not sure if that makes my action more or less psycho (I understand that it was psycho, for the record). He basically ignored me the first day I was there and I spent time alone in a guest room upset. Eventually I realized it was over and got myself together. We talked, we hooked up, we joked about how we were now breaking up on Independence Day and we'd gotten together on April Fool's Day. The next day I got in my car and drove ten hours back, feeling pretty good. And done.

On Independence Day 2010, I went on a full-day date with someone the Rules had tried their damnedest to weed out. The date was going to parties together, which makes sense for the 4th but is really not a date. Indeed, texting guy remarked on the way home about how great it was that he hadn't needed to spend any money all day long! (winner, huh)

The third and final party was located on the rooftop of the building where my ex lived for the duration of our relationship - a building that gave him 30 days notice to move out when his apartment got sold, which caused him to have to decide that he didn't want to live with me, which he knew would make me mad, which would thus create OMG a conflict, which the only way he could avoid was to break up with me when he came over to pick me up for dinner.

Incidentally, I think by that time texting guy and I were sick of each other. Our usual banter isn't sustainable for 10 hours. There were moments during the second half of the day when I sort of thought he was being a jerk on purpose, even. But standing on that rooftop thinking to myself that I was in my ex's ex-building on a night that had nothing to do with him was nice. As was kissing on the rooftop and in the building elevator.

Later on, texting guy and I went to my house and made out per usual, and for some reason he wanted to talk about the story of the day we met. In the course of the story someone's name came up that he didn't remember and it was driving him crazy so we went to the computer and looked that person up. He got pretty annoying at the computer, so at some point I was like "alright," in a conclusory fashion, and he was like "you want me to leave?" and I said "maybe." And basically he just left.

I feel done with that now. Texting guy might have the capacity to be a pretty good friend, and might be good in bed, but gosh, he's just kind of a bad date. Or just not that into me. I want something more than the chemistry we have. I have enough in my arsenal at this point to remember why I'm not doing this anymore, and turn him down if he calls again.

But gosh, today was a really great day. First, there was the two-for-one closure special, of course.

There was also a point when I wanted to see fireworks and texting guy drove really crazily to try to get down to where they were on time, and we drove to the perfect spot and watched the very end of them standing outside the car. It really was the perfect spot. It would have been a REALLY nice moment if I had been with someone with whom feelings beyond lust actually existed.

Which then reminded me of what I am looking for, and that this isn't it.

Independent, too busy to blog

Happy 4th! Instead of blogging in NYC, I spent the entire time dating and meeting people who know me only from my blog (or from the forums in which I whore it). This was awesome, but I have so much to say now and no time to say it. I'm also running out of time during the official experiment, which is supposed to be the interesting part, right? So I should make an effort to blog about it.

But it's 1:39 in the morning and I, ahem, have a date with texting guy tomorrow. Yes, he asked before Wednesday. And a holiday date's even more premium than Saturday night, right? Ok fine, he sort of ruined it by inviting me to stay over the night before too. But hey, I'm not doing that, so...

The reaction from my friends when I tell them I'll be with texting guy on the 4th is universally a load groan and incredulity as to why I would do this. The answers:

• I mean, I probably like him more than I let on. But I've tried hard to admit that possibility to myself and I'm still honestly not sure if it's accurate. This would usually be the true answer in my case.
  
• I do have FUN with the guy. I can't see myself in a real relationship with this man for reasons I have disclosed here and some I have not. Why not date for fun for a little? However, one friend swiftly poked a hole in this argument by reminding me that I said pretty much the exact same thing about the most recent ex.
  
• He asked me out for a Saturday-esque time FINALLY. I mean, don't I have to see what the hell that's like after all this??!!
• He is definitely the most interesting character in my blog, and I enjoy writing about him. (Actually I only really have two characters documented in the blog although there have been several more that I haven't had a chance to type up.) Texting guy is the Mr. Big to my Carrie. Sometimes I just have to go with that

But do not despair, non-fans of texting guy. I had an absolutely lovely date in NYC with a fixup, I have another first date the day after tomorrow, and I have three messages in my Jdate inbox waiting to be checked (but not until after the holiday is over)!

Empowering

The Rules? Empowering.

Making out with random guys from jdate in my hotel room in NYC? Also empowering.

But can I be a Rules Girl and a bit of a Jdate whore?

I think so, if I only do this out of town and keep my uh, physical activities in NY completely compartmentalized from my dating in Atlanta. So far it appears that I can do this emotionally just fine. There is just something inherently unattached about meeting some guy, having a couple of drinks, talking about upstate New York and indie rock and Mitch Hedberg, and then making out. You don't live near each other and neither of you plans to move. For some reason, it is easy to turn off my "I want this guy to want to marry me" instinct in this circumstance, and the experience is just pleasant. Having never been single before, I have never gotten to do the utterly random hookup before. It is kind of frigging cool.

Where do texting guy encounters fit in in all this? I'll save that question for another day.

Living up to my name

I'm definitely coasting to the finish line of my six months of rules. I think the most egregious breakdown I had recently was a fairly innocent one - I "requested communication" with a guy on eharmony. I know better than that, but he was a cute, relatively young, divorced, Jewish guy with a sensitive and intelligent profile. I also contacted a few people on my Chemistry.com free trial by accident - I didn't realize clicking interested would notify them. I'm about to go on Jdate and solicit New York guys because I want to set something up for the next 2 weeks when I'm out of town.

Probably most interestingly, I had two more interactions with texting guy.

The first one, I was a nearly perfect Rules girl when I ran into him at an event. Though I did hint that I wanted a ride (come on, I was wearing uncomfortable heels). Then yesterday he booty-texted me. Not in so many words, and he denied it later, but I pretty much knew what the invitation entailed and accepted it anyway. Yes, via text. The thing is, a) I wanted fb guy not to be the last guy I kissed, and b) I know the deal with texting guy. I don't have romantic designs on him anymore. We just have great physical chemistry. I didn't do anything dangerous, don't worry.

I'm going back to NY on business this weekend. I usually have some solid alone time there, so stay tuned for the following episodes, all made possible by my having hit the online dating circuit again:

• Rulebreaker reviews all the major dating sites, and how to apply the Rules to them
  
• Rulebreaker dates a man with a kid
  
• Rulebreaker dates a B-list celebrity
• Rulebreaker dates a doctor
  
• Rulebreaker tries to find a New York boyfriend to entertain her during business trips, including a friend setup
• Rulebreaker gets some serious street cred in softball
  
• At least four potential interests RSVP to Rulebreaker's 30th birthday party
  

Guess who called?

Texting guy! Perhaps he's a mind-reader, as (despite my idle threats), I had not contacted him.

Last week he had texted me midday during a workday asking me for a lawyer recommendation. I just texted him back the guy's name a few hours later.

Today he left me a vm thanking me and asking if I was going to this local festival, and saying he'd come say hi if I was.

I mean, maybe texting guy's just trying to be friends. That's fine. But the timing makes me smile.

Ass out of you and me

One thing I've noticed on a fairly consistent basis is that everyone thinks if Guy X doesn't contact you within a certain period of time, he's never going to. That is, your friends will write the guy off as poofed after this magic amount of time, which my anecdotal experience suggests is approximately a week. Trying to take my cues from these vibes, albeit implicit (except when I posted the question on the loveshack forums awhile back), I have likewise assumed (see title) that a poof has taken place after about a week, sometimes less.

Thus far, I have been 100% wrong.

The Rules invented the concept of "poof," but (as I think I've said before), it's abstract. They pointedly do not prescribe a time period after which you are permitted to assume that the guy's not going to contact you again. When they discuss poofing in the book, they are always talking about long-ago lessons learned by girls who broke the Rules, a la "she broke the Rules, and never heard from him again. Poof!" But generally the girls used as examples in the Rules books are now Rules girls who despite their former transgressions, eventually applied the Rules correctly and found Rules husbands. There are no unhappy endings in the pages of the Rules.

If you think about it, the general lack of a timeline fits. You're not supposed to sit around and wonder if so-and-so is going to call tonight. You're supposed to live your damn life, and who really cares how long it takes him to call? Someone else will call sooner and he'll lose out. As long as you follow the Rules, you're not going to end up with him if he doesn't totally love you, so kick back, relax, and let the best man win!

The Rules only starts the "clock" when you become exclusive with someone. At that point the timeline is important, and you are only allowed to give him a year to pop the question. This also makes sense, because when you are in a committed relationship you are losing out on dating and possibly finding someone else.

But we're nowhere near there yet.

Living my single life without regard to whether guys I think might call me call me is easier said than done, of course. I suffer a moment or two of disappointment every night when I don't hear from anyone. For anyone who's counting, that's a moment or two of disappointment every night except three for the past month.

Some recent strange mixed resurrections that have gone on in my life:

• Facebook guy, after I whined to my friends all weekend about how he hadn't contacted me since, facebook messaged me Sunday night.
• Texting guy, after our lengthy PG makeout session last week, called me Monday night. I broke the Rules and called him back an hour later when I was done with my meeting. I left a voicemail saying I was returning his call. He has not called back, three days later. WHO DOES THAT?
  
• Dodgeball guy who e-mailed me randomly in January and failed the four-email requirement e-mailed me randomly again. ???? Even stranger, I'm pretty sure that guy had a girlfriend the last time I saw him. This raises the question of whether I get a four-email reboot with this guy. If he's even trying to date me at all.
  

Speaking of resurrections, although not prospects, my bizarrely brilliant ex-boyfriend found a way to give me a little closure. After over four months of no contact whatsoever aside from that random party, he nominated me for something without telling me, (likely) knowing I would have to call to find out my nominator's name in order to actually apply. I was shocked and annoyed at first. It sank in shortly thereafter and I realized that it was actually quite predictable coming from him. When I woke up the next morning, I felt an indescribable lifting of my feelings of resentment. In packing up my house to move in two days (!), I encountered some sentimental items that three days ago, I would have ripped up or burned. Instead, I just put them in a box with some other sentimental things from family and friends without any wrenching feelings or unpleasantness.

There are a couple of other tiny little things going on with me, but I'll save those for a post I can tie them into the theme of. Interestingly, I'm finding myself in a recursion - the Rules is making me happier and happier with me, but the happier and happier I get with me, the less I feel like I need the Rules and the harder it is to do them because I feel like I'm confident enough to handle the rejection I was previously trying to avoid. Um, I suppose this is also what happens with people and anti-psychotic drugs.

I have started slipping on Rules in various ways as of late:

• The obvious one, flirting shamelessly and making out with texting guy.
• Texting texting guy back when he sent me a post-make-out text (after 24 hours and just a smiley face).
• Calling texting guy back after an hour.
  
• Messaging facebook guy back after 12 hours instead of 24 (on the second round).
• Responding to Dr. eharmony's guided communication twice after 12 hours instead of 24. (This is a doctor I'm on round 3 of guided communication with. I am long overdue for an eharmony post.)
• Being RIDICULOUSLY un-Rules-y with that friend I posted about before.
  
• Having other strong urges to break the Rules and feeling less motivated by my 6-month commitment or my blog not to.
  

I have even thought more than once over the past week or so, maybe I should free myself from this self-imposed incarceration at 3 months.

I think I'll incorporate much more of the Rules into my life once I'm done with my six months, but there are definitely certain things I will do differently. But I won't know unless I keep trying. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm probably going to fail a little more than I would have a month ago :)

"Oops"

Via (ironically) text message--

A Practicing Rules Girl: last night i accidentally accepted a dinner date for tomorrow. ugh. i was trying to make it afternoon coffee and said i had plans l8r. he asked me what time i had 2 b there & i told him 8:30 or 9:00 so he weaseled in dinner at 6pm. he's nice though. i tried. i'll b more clever next time.
Rulebreaker: last night i made out w texting guy for an hour
A Practicing Rules Girl: wha??? who's txting guy? the first guy right? from the jewish parties. lazy man, yes?
Rulebreaker: yes :) just physical, all clothed. oops :)
A Practicing Rules Girl: oops. lol.

Books > Boys

One week back from out of town, and every single prospect I had seems to have poofed. And you know what? That's okay. I have replaced them with books. On my trip I read four print and two audiobooks. Since I returned I've read 1/2 a print book and one CD of an audiobook. I also find myself diverting conversations with friends from boys to books.

I'm a little bit disappointed, especially about facebook guy; and a little bit hopeful that some might still be interested; but mostly I'm feeling really proud that I don't think about it all the time. Slowly but surely, that pesky association between singledom and desolation is severed.

In other words, the Rules is accomplishing the primary purpose I had set out for it.

But let's go a little deeper into the triple-poofing that I have just endured. There are some mitigating factors at play.

1) In the "tag, you're it" a.k.a. normal world, I am the one whose turn it is to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. For all three of them. (Technically four, but I'm not interested in the fourth.)
2) I was gone for awhile, and therefore it makes even more sense for me to be the one to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. Again, for all three of them.

3) Drumroll.... For facebook guy,

• I did not return one text and one phone call in the two days after the date that indicated that he hoped to talk to me soon and had a good time and wanted to see me when I got back.
  
• I e-mailed him three days later and said see you when I get back, have a nice week.
  
• He e-mailed me three days later and said great, and asked me a small-talk-y question.
• Sixteen days passed.
  

Did the Rules require me to be so stingy in my communication with him? I would argue yes, at least the spirit. I wasn't even going to send the one e-mail but college friend convinced me that I should. But it sounds extreme on paper, doesn't it?? Nonetheless, I do tend to believe that if he were thinking about me, he would give me a call when he knew I was back in town (as he must by now unless he's not thinking about me at all). Even though I didn't return his last e-mail.

Upon returning, two friends who know facebook guy, one girl and one guy, asked me if I'd heard from him. I said no. The girl said that I should call him. The guy said he's an idiot, to which I responded, well, he might still call, I hope he doesn't think I don't like him since I didn't get a chance to call before I left or something. Then the guy made the comment that "[facebook guy] has options."

Which made me feel pretty good about the decision not to e-mail him back.

Anyway, I am likely to run into facebook guy, and texting guy, and possibly even guy #3 that I haven't really talked about much, at various events. So I'll probably eventually get a sense of whether the poofing is final.

In the meantime, plenty of novels beckon.

Dream dream dream

I had my first Rules dream last night. In the dream, I was Rules-ing, you guessed it, texting guy. I think I was walking through a library and I knew he was in various places but I refused to look at him and just walked by. I was carrying a lot of books. I looked like a big nerd but I think I was trying to pull off the cute librarian thing. Perhaps this was the result of hearing about my college friend's escapades with various non-Rules-Girls, and having that great "this could never happen to me" feeling that I love about the Rules.

(My college friend is not a sleaz, he's just dating multiple women. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I just personally don't want to be getting very physical with a guy who may be getting that physical with someone else the next night, even if it's more or less expected in the adult sphere after a certain number of dates.)

My college friend posed another question that actually gave me a little insight into texting guy - his weekends are full so he wants to ask a girl out for a weeknight. Problem is, he's already gone out with that girl on a weekend, so he can't really go back to weeknights or else she will feel ratcheted down.

My first thought was, wow, that's so right - and if you're dating multiple women it is much easier to delay the Saturday night date as long as possible so that you delay this problem. This explains more of texting guy's behavior than any of my previous theories. (Don't worry lipman, I know this still means he's just not that into me!)

Here's the advice I gave my college friend: to avoid the slight, find some kind of an event on a weeknight and invite her to that. Make it into a real date that revolves around something that is only occurring on that night.

Anyway, I think that was my first dream about texting guy. I'm sort of disappointed we didn't make out in the dream, since I've decided that's all he's probably good for.

I did dream about facebook guy over the weekend, just one of those silly second grade dreams where you like a boy and he likes you back and you wake up a little disappointed it's not real.

Ex bf makes appearances less and less often, largely because I am less and less disturbed by the fact that I dreamed about him when I happen to do so. Funny how that works.

Rules, welcome to my subconscious.

Texting guy = cheating guy?

I had a revelation the other day while driving.

I believe with about 90% confidence that if I somehow ended up in a relationship with texting guy, he would cheat on me.

I'm not sure why I'm so sure of this proposition. I have been cheated on before, but not by a "cheater," if that makes sense. The guy who cheated on me was basically a good guy who got confused. I doubt that guy is going to cheat on his wife.

But texting guy, I feel strongly that he is a cheater despite never having any personal experience with that kind of guy.

The Rules do not address cheating directly. But they imply that if someone makes it all the way to marriage with you, he is smitten with you enough not to cheat. And if a guy is deep down a cheater, well, he just won't make it there.

No Bill Clintons for me, thank you very much.

Am I being totally unfair to texting guy?

Wherein texting guy does not poof completely, AGAIN

Texting guy canceled our tentatively planned date last week -- via text -- even after this conversation took place. Ironically, I also canceled it via e-mail 15 minutes later before having seen the text. We did not speak for five days, and I thought this was poof for sure.

This evening I get, guess what? Another text, asking me if I'm going to this seder that he knew I was going to go to, and had previously said he was thinking of going to. I did not respond.

Of course, he was there. Problem: my brain has basically already nexted the guy, my instinct is to want to flirt and have fun, and I did so waaay too much tonight. Like, engaging in innuendo-y banter with him and tolerating him feeling my leg under the table. This is all bizarre to me because I think it would be a stretch to even say I've even reached first base with this guy. My eighth grade boyfriend and I had made out more by time we'd "dated" this long.

Texting guy was not the only one I flirted with at seder - I flirted with a couple of my friends pretty shamelessly too. A Practicing Rules Girl has warned me about this issue - she enjoys flirting, as do I. So when we've written a guy off (for whatever reason), we seem to mentally exclude him from the Rules and therefore allow ourselves this guilty pleasure. But if I read Rule #1 correctly, Rules girls really don't flirt at all. If you're interested in the man or may be interested, you may not flirt; if you're not interested in the man, there is not a whole lot of point to flirtation, and you could be jerking him around. I told PRG that she needs to rein in her flirting instinct to be within the spirit of the Rules, and clearly I do too.

Other than the whole under leg-under-the-table/what-do-I-get-if-I-find-the-afikomen thing, I did a good job of not clinging to texting guy. He initiated conversations, he insisted I sit next to him. At the end I sort of made a bit of an effort to leave with him (bad), but took off without lingering when I got to my car (good). On the way to the car, he joked that he counted this as our 5th date.

Texting guy is a player, I'm fairly certain. I've somehow avoided players up to this point in my life, and consider myself lucky that the Rules crossed my path before this one did.

Meanwhile, I went out on a ridiculously awkward date with eharmony guy and a wonderful date with facebook guy. I am leaving town for an extended business trip, not a moment too soon.

When do the Rules Require "Next"

In response to Lipman, who has been gunning for me to next texting guy since date #1's recap: I think you're absolutely right that he deserves to be nexted (and has since date #1). But let's analyze whether the Rules require me to next him.

With one main exception (which I'll get to below), the Rules are not clear about what behaviors require me to affirmatively next. The book throws the word around with exclamation points as a battle cry, not as a Rule. It's generally spoken of as a philosophy that Rules Girls use to get over someone who has dumped them or poofed, rather than a command to stop seeing someone, a la Rule #30: "Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection."

The book contains no practical advice whatsoever for how to effect "next" when the guy is still pursuing in any form. Presumably a Rules Girl would try to do so passively if possible, i.e. by "poofing" herself and not responding to him at all; if this is not possible because she's too far into the relationship, I imagine that she'd probably have to communicate as little as possible about the reasons for the breakup. In an established relationship, I don't think this is really fair. It is surprising that the Rules don't tell you how to do this, because the only instances in which the Rules actually mandate a next appear to involve a long-term relationship.

The only actual Rule about I could find nexting is that if he doesn't give me a romantic gift for my birthday or Valentine's Day, next.

The Rule is that if you don't get jewelry or some other romantic gift on your birthday or other significant occasion, you might as well call it quits because he's not in love with you and chances are you won't get the most important gift of all: an engagement ring. --Rule #12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day.

I guess I'm not actually bound to deal with this Rule EVER, because my birthday is the date this experiment ends. Therefore, I haven't really had any reason to analyze the Rule in detail. But on a plenary level, it's one of my least favorites.

What is a "romantic gift"? The Rules suggest jewelry is the classic example. In attempting to appear less than completely superficial, they also allow for something like a love poem. Personally, I think thoughtful gifts are not necessary "romantic" in the conventional sense, and are better. I would rather have something that indicates knowledge of what I would like, knowledge of me as a person, some element of surprise/unexpectedness, and a desire to make me (not just some girl) happy.

Note that I don't think I have ever received a gift that meets these criteria from a guy, although I routinely do from my law school bff.

So, the spirit behind the Rule is sound, but actually affirmatively breaking up with a guy because he gave you a shitty birthday gift seems like a totally biotchy thing to do, and one that could actually harm your reputation.

Rachel managed to do it pull it off after Tag gave her a scooter in this scene (with Spanish subtitles):



Later that day...

Rachel: (to Tag) Hi.

Tag: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Tag: How are you doing? Are you feeling any better?

Rachel: Yeah, I’m doing okay. I’m um…let’s talk.

Tag: Okay. (They sit on the step.)

Rachel: Umm…

Tag: What’s up?

Rachel: Ohh Tag, umm…you’re such a great guy and we have sooo much fun together but I don’t-I don’t…

Tag: Wait! I think I see where you’re going, but before you say anything else, can I just say one more thing? (Kisses her.)

Rachel: Well said. And a uh good example of the fun I was referring to uhh, but I just think I’m past the point where I think I can y’know, just have fun.

Tag: Rachel, don’t do this. This is just because you’re turning thirty.

Rachel: Yeah, it is! But you’re just a kid! I mean you’re 25!

Tag: Twenty-four actually.

Rachel: Oh God! Y’know what I wish? I wish you were six years older. Well actually, if I’m wishin’ for stuff, I actually wish I was six years younger.

Tag: Me too.

Rachel: Yeah, I’m sorry. (They hug.)

So it seems like you can smoothly next someone if the reason he got you a bad gift is because he's just a kid.

You're also supposed to walk away if he doesn't marry you within a certain time period. That makes sense, and actually contains some guidance about how to effect the next. Although the book is somewhat odd in that it seems to presume that a girl who has been dating a guy for over a year can just suddenly start seeing other people seemingly without even having a conversation about it.

Ok, back to my life, and texting guy. There's an argument that his anti-Rule 4 behavior in planning date #2 does require nexting under the Rules. (for those of us who don't have the Rule numbers memorized, Rule 4 is "Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date"). I was a little forgiving on this one just because the way he planned it out was a little bit my fault. I still haven't written that date up, oy, falling behind. He somewhat redeemed himself on the Rule #4 issue by picking me up at my office's reception desk for date #3, which was a lunch date. But that was still a "when are you free?" situation, with no suggestion of Saturday night.

Even so, Rule #4 doesn't say you have to break up with him for this, it just says he is "invariably" a "turd." Basically it explains through anecdotes that these "turds" are eventually going to drop you, not that you should drop them. One of these anecdotes involves a guy who suggested that "Jane," a lawyer, split the check with him, and she agreed. He then "didn't treat her well, lost interest, and eventually stopped calling" because "Jane made everything so easy for him."

OK, I'm on board with not offering to pay (I have to suppress my instincts hard on this one) but I'm sorry, Rules, wtf is Jane supposed to do in this situation? Say, "No, I don't think so" when dude asks her to split the check? Lipman would say next her, but the Rules don't exactly. They just say what the end result will be.

And this I think is the magic of the Rules. In the dating phase, you do what you do, go with the flow, and then things happen as they're naturally supposed to. If he is the one forcing you to break the Rules because he is a turd, then things will run their course. You don't have to go to the trouble of breaking up with him because he will stop calling. If he doesn't, you can choose to continue going out with him and applying the Rules to him, knowing that he will eventually fade away. Or you can choose not to. But that's your choice, and as long as you're following the Rules you will really be no worse for wear either way.

In the relationship phase, the concern of wasting time comes into play, because you actually are sacrificing dating other men. This is when the question of Rules Girl-initiated nexting really arises.

I'm waiting until I'm safely out of town to describe what I believe is REALLY the demise of anything between me and texting guy - but I don't regret not blowing him off earlier. I didn't break the Rules by continuing to accept invitations to be sure.

When are you free?

All three guys who have asked me out so far (we'll refer to them as texting guy, facebook guy, and eharmony guy) have done so by asking "when are you free?"

In one sense, this epitomizes Rule #4, which is that the guy should want to do things at your convenience. In another sense, it's lazy and shifts the burden to you to secure the prestigious and elusive Saturday night date.

Question 1: How does a Rules Girl handle?

With texting guy, the first time I just told him - it was easy enough because I only had one day free that week. The second and third time I shifted the burden right back to him to propose a date. Which he sort of failed at, and never once suggested Saturday.

Having practiced this burden-shifting maneuver, I used it on facebook guy when he asked me when I was free to get "drinks." I said this week was really busy, when did he think he wanted to go. He threw out Thursday, Saturday, Sunday. I responded that Thursday I had plans, and told him what they were (d'oh, I have got to stop doing this), so the weekend was better. He said, ok, you want to do Saturday?

And lo, my first Saturday night date was scheduled. At first I felt a little bad about it, like I had tricked him into asking me for Saturday night. That said, he did suggest it, and it was before Wednesday when he did so, and it does say something that he's willing to go for the premium slot for a first date. Also, he didn't have a real plan on the phone, but e-mailed me one the next day, and it was more than "drinks." So, I'm not complaining.

When eharmony guy asked when I was free, I again turned the question back on him. He told me when he couldn't go. I responded by babbling truthfully about my busy schedule, my two-week impending business trip, and how I only had one possible time free before I left (SO bad at this part). We left it at tentatively for then, but for him to call again.

Question 2: Is this acceptable behavior for a guy?

My tentative answer is yeah, for a first date. Asking "will you go out with me Saturday night" or even "will you go out with me Thursday night" seems a little formal. "Want to get a drink tomorrow night" is less so, but it's also pretty spontaneous and less respectful of your schedule.

I think it changes for subsequent dates, but I haven't totally made up my mind. If the guy is still doing this on the third or fourth date, as texting guy did, it's probably not a good sign.

PS, After reflection and a little more development of texting guy's storyline, I think Lipman/Brody is totally right in his last comment. I am working on a long post explaining why. I appreciate criticism, so please don't hold back :)

PPS, happy 3-month-single-versary to me. I am now officially single longer than I have been since I was 15.