Rules is a four letter verb?

As I've been whoring my blog in various forums, I've noticed that girls often use the word "Rules" as a verb, as in "This guy I am Rules-ing" or "I Rules-ed my ex boyfriend when he tried to get back together with me." (Aside: it is also linguistically amusing to me that the singular form of the underlying noun "rule" actually is a verb, but "This guy I am ruling" is of course inappropriate)

The implication of the use of "Rules" as a transitive verb whose object is a guy is that women apply the Rules selectively in their lives. The Rules leave this question sort of open-ended.

The Rules can be applied to other people so that you have good, healthy relationships, are well-liked, and not taken for granted. --Chapter 27, Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Coworkers, and Children

But what about platonic friendships with men? The book implicitly suggests that you do not have to Rules your male friends. In other words, it has a chapter "Rules for Turning a Friend into a Boyfriend." (By extension, you weren't Rules-ing him before.)

It is easy enough to be "normal" with your old friends, but what about new male friends - single men you are still getting acquainted with but are not interested in?

Rule #25, Practice Practice Practice, suggests:

Try The Rules on all men at all times. Don't even say hello first to your doorman or the butcher at the deli. Let them say hello to you first and then just smile. Don't ignore them or anyone else, just practice responding rather than starting any conversation.

The use of "try" here indicates some flexibility, that is, that one does not technically break the Rules by not Rules-ing men one is not interested in like, apparently, your "doorman or butcher" (I have neither of these, for the record).

Or, hopefully, your dodgeball team. I no longer even make an effort not to start conversations with the guys on my dodgeball team - I'm probably the most socially apt of them all, so it just helps pass the time if I start talking first. They're my buddies and I'm comfortable with this, even though I think there could be some potential with one of them. The applicability of The Rules to individuals are less clear:

a) ex boyfriend's best friend
b) guy I tried to rebound hook up with who flat rejected me and may think I'm still interested
c) guy who just broke up with my friend but who is in my social circle

I confronted all of these situations recently, and did not Rules any of them. I said hey and hugged them, like friends do. I chatted with them openly. I approached them when I wasn't talking to others. I even (gasp) asked one of them to DANCE - a facial violation of Rule #2 if The Rules indeed apply in this context.

I think all of this remains above board. But what if I ignored The Rules altogether with respect to these men and made out with someone I wasn't interested in? It's a slippery slope - if you're not applying The Rules, you might be tempted to end up in that situation. It would certainly be violative of the spirit of The Rules, if not the letter. It is also part of how I ended up doing this blog; I was having this ridiculous urge to no strings attached make out with some dude just to do it, and was doing ridiculous things to further this end.

Conclusion: I will try harder to be Rules-y with all "new" men (except my dodgeball team, because that's just good clean fun), but will not apply The Rules strictly to them.

A Rules approach to Facebook

As previously mentioned, the Rules do not cover Facebook, so I'm going to have to get creative using "The Rules for Online Dating," drawing analogies between Facebook and one's online dating profile. For your reference:

Online Dating Rule 1: Don't Answer Men's Ads or E-mail Them First.
Online Dating Rule 3: Less Is More When Writing Your Ad
Online Dating Rule 4: Post A Smiling Photo
Online Dating Rule 5: Wait 24 Hours to Respond
Online Dating Rule 6: Don't Answer on Weekends or Holidays
Online Dating Rule 7: Write Light and Breezy E-mails
Online Dating Rule 8: Block Yourself from Instant Messages

Facebook Rule 1: Don't Friend, Poke, or Facebook Message Men First
Facebook Rule 2: Less Is More When Using Facebook Generally
Facebook Rule 3: Post a Smiling, Sober Profile Photo
Facebook Rule 4: Wait 24 Hours to Respond to Friend Requests or Facebook Messages
Facebook Rule 5: Don't Use Facebook on Weekends or Holidays
Facebook Rule 6: Don't Post on His Wall Until You're Exclusive
Facebook Rule 7: Sign Out of Facebook Chat
Facebook Rule 8: Don't Update Status More Than Once a Week
Facebook Rule 9: Write Light and Breezy Notes, Posts, and Status Updates (if you use them at all)
Facebook Rule 10: Lock Albums and Tagged Photos
Facebook Rule 11: Keep an Eye On Your Wall

Extreme? Other thoughts?

I'm going to probably write more on some of these, especially what I mean by "less is more" as it pertains to profile, groups, stuff you're a fan of, posting on friends' walls, etc. In the spirit of the Rules I did a major cleanup to my facebook profile a week or so ago, have stayed away from chat, etc.

Note also that I got really interested in the whole facebook/Rules thing just before I started this blog because a guy who had asked for my number at an event had, instead of calling me (I gave him my card, something the Rules prohibits), added me as a facebook friend with no message. I was on the fence about whether to add him or not. After a day or so, I added him back with no message. It's now been a month and he hasn't called or interacted with me on facebook at all. Did he see something in my profile he didn't like? Who knows. Oh well, next!

Rule #2: STFU

Rule #2 is not to talk to a man first EVAR. They specifically mention not asking a man to dance in the chapter title, even though, as someone had to point out to me, this book was written in 1995. Either this book is aimed at high schoolers or they're really overdoing the 50s theme.

Why so absolute? Well, because of the "natural order of things," of course.

By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process.

The remainder of the chapter makes clear that this rule means don't ask men out or hit on men or approach men in an environment where it would be clear that you would be indicating interest, e.g. at singles events. In other words, I think I can talk to guys on my dodgeball team before they talk to me since I've met them before, even though dodgeball is a great place to meet guys. But I don't know - I probably can't strike up a personal conversation with any of them.

So what's my track record on the natural order of things? +1 for he pursued me; -1 for I pursued him; 0 for unclear or ambiguous. Some of these are tough calls because most of my relationships have developed in a non-dating environment like school or work. Here are the most significant ones:

1. High school boyfriend. I think he asked me if he saw me in synagogue at High Holidays first but I definitely pursued the relationship from there, telling all my friends I liked him. I think he asked me to Homecoming. I think it was actually in a NOTE. Wow. Throwback. 0.
2. Waiter boyfriend (I was working at the same restaurant): unclear, but I'm pretty sure I made my interest known first. -1.
3. Musical theater boyfriend (we were both doing a play): pursued me aggressively. +1.
4. Semester abroad boyfriend: pursued me aggressively. +1.
5. Tech company boyfriend (we both worked there): I arranged a bunch of activities that I invited work people to as an excuse to hang out with him. By the time I made my interest absolutely clear he was already hooked, but I think I baited and hooked this one and did not defer to the natural order. -1.
6. College housemate boyfriend: I'm sure you can figure out how this one got started. Do I have to count this against myself? I probably should, I crushed on him before we hooked up drunk. -1.
7. Dude I ended up marrying for a short time: pursued me aggressively. +1.
8. Jdate guy: messaged me first, tried to weasel out of calling or e-mailing by telling me at the end of our dates to "e-mail me if you want to do something" but I did not - he always would. This is probably the Rulesiest I've been in the past, even though there were also plenty broken with him. +1.
9. Law school boyfriend: we were friends, I think I made my interest clear first, but I think he forced the feelings issue. 0.

So of my past significant relationships I have a net score of 1. And that's kind of pushing it, because I excluded all my ridiculous crushes and unofficial relationships that never materialized. I don't think I've ever had much of a concept of leaving things to the natural order.

At least a couple of the guys I "pursued," though, were guys that ended up being as into me as much or more than the guys who "pursued" me. (my actuary friend 3LP has his own theory about why this might be, but he's not allowed to share it) So really, do I do irreparable harm by making some ambiguous showing of possible interest?

Another one of my many concerns about this experiment is that I always think that the kind of guy I want probably isn't the type to aggressively pursue. Rule #2 makes a point to denounce the concept of a "shy guy."

Are men really shy? ... [W]e believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don't approach you.

Hm. Well, ok then. Moving on.

So you're supposed to go to all these singles parties but are NOT ALLOWED to approach men. You're not even allowed to go stand near one. The Rules contemplate that you instead

go to the bathroom five times...reapply your lipstick, powder your nose, order more water from the bar, think happy thoughts; walk around the room in circles until someone notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your married friends for encouragement...

I am going to have a ton of fun with this. Walking around the room in circles? Of course they mean briskly, femininely; not like Rain Man. They've invented cell phones since the mid-nineties so I assume I don't have to go to the "lobby" to call my married friends. Interestingly, this scene seems to contemplate me being at a singles party by myself. They don't tell me how to interact with the women there. Don't women go to these things together? What about guys I've met once or twice and should probably say hi to?

Luckily, no matter how insane I look pacing around, it is going to be relatively easy for me NOT to go up to men I don't know and talk to them.

Digression: I haven't really had much occasion to interact with new men yet because I'm working a lot right now, and wasting a lot of time on professional forums that have nothing to do with me. I do have some singles events coming up in the next few weeks though, where I will be lapping the dance floor like crazy before I'll talk to any guy.

Interpreting versus Picking-and-Choosing

As someone in the legal profession, and someone who aware if not totally observant of Jewish law, it is just natural to me that laws, including these "Rules," have to be interpreted. Some of the Rules are absolute. Like, if a guy calls me on a Thursday (Rule 7), I turn him down. Period. Others are squishy. Don't Open Up Too Fast (Rule 19) is obviously more difficult.

But I haven't even gotten to the Rules yet. The "you as a product" chapter I just posted about is not itself a "rule" precisely for the reason that putting the best "you" together is so extremely subjective that it could not possibly be expressed in rule form. Its point is (as one commenter pointed out), look and act your best. No one could apply every sentence from that chapter.

I interpreted that chapter to the best of my ability and am applying it as much as possible. I cleaned out my entire closet yesterday, enlisting the help of a Rules-y friend. I'm wearing makeup every day, but not wearing a lot of makeup because I don't think it makes me look my best. Most of the rest of them I even questioned was more about my capability of complying rather than my intent to comply. I'm not really that neat and clean, and I'm also really funny and outgoing. I do intend to comply - I might fall short from time to time, is all, because it doesn't come naturally to me. If it did, this blog would be boring!

OK, the one I arguably dismissed out of hand was the nose job one. Does anyone really believe that because I refuse to get a nose job, I am picking and choosing which rules I want to follow? :)