My IM vice reemerges

I haven't discussed instant messaging in awhile. Back at the very beginning, before I even received my copy of the Rules for Online Dating, I noted that IMing wasn't very rules-y and hinted that I was going to sign off of it for the duration. I haven't really followed up on that, and it would appear that it is now time to do so.

As expected, the Rules generally frown on the practice of instant messaging. Rule #8 of the Online Dating rules is that you should block yourself from it altogether - though this is specifically in the context of dating websites. The Rules don't seem to account for general IM programs such as AIM and gchat. The modified Rules located in the appendix to the Online Dating volume have some guidance for IMing if you absolutely MUST, including counting to 60 before responding, and, of course, being light, breezy, and demure in your responses.

Interestingly, the Rules do allow you to go meet people in "chat rooms" as long as you wait for them to message you, in a chapter that seems a little too AOL-era to be relevant. I may go try to find a chat room at some point just to play around with this Rule - although I really don't know where I would go for that. The last time I joined an actual chat room was I believe on the IRC, in 1998.

(Note that I can't do any Rules quoting right now because I did not pack my Rules on this business trip, but the basic idea is that it's too spontaneous, too available. Maybe I'll go back and edit this post when I get home so that I can be more precise.)

Now, on to applying this to myself. It is fair to say that I have been an avid IM-er since the practice existed. My family was on Prodigy when I was 11, and I dabbled in the bulletin boards (yes, there were sexual predators on the Internet before the Internet existed). A year or two later, a friend and I dialed into each other's computers and typed to each other on a DOS interface, and could not get over how amazing it was. The same friend and I used to play around on AOL chat rooms and screwed with people. I went on BBSs throughout high school, using Legend of the Red Dragon as an alternate social life. In college, I used ICQ, then AIM, basically constantly. After college I lived abroad and used Trillian, which facilitated communications through all major chat programs then existing.

I think it is also fair to say that instant messaging has played a significant role in many of my relationships and is in fact responsible for my ill-fated marriage, and possibly its early demise.

Back one summer in college, I found out the AIM screenname of my co-worker crush and added him to my list just to watch him, never messaging. I found out he liked me too when I asked to check my email on his computer at a gathering and saw my own screenname on his list.

Another college relationship, this one long-distance, relied on IM to keep it going. One night when he wasn't online I became suspicious, freaked out, and started calling his dorm phone over and over until he answered. The next day I drove to visit him and he told me he'd cheated on me.

A little later I was lonely living abroad, not having much of a social life there due to factors beyond my control. I leaned on my good friend who I later married - spending my entire workday (his entire night!) talking to him online. After months of this, he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore unless I agreed to date him when I returned to the country. I had not felt that way about him and told him no, then spent a month miserable because my main personal contact had been cut off from me. I resumed communication with him by agreeing to go on a date with him when I got back. That coerced date, for reasons I need not explain here, led to our marriage. I later realized things weren't working out when I started having feelings for a guy I met in law school, which I indulged through IM conversations.

At various intervals throughout this period of time, I'd generally initiate IM conversations with ex boyfriends whenever I felt like getting male attention.

I walk through my dubious IM-relationship-history not to pour out all my e-drama, but to set a foundation for conquering one of my biggest Rules weaknesses. IM is instant gratification, obtained easily and without much effort. And if IM is chocolate cake, I am a grotesquely obese person huffing and puffing to get up a flight of stairs.

Back to my six months of Rules. What modifications did I actually make to my instant messaging behavior? Well, I stopped using facebook chat altogether, and I have not relented once. Nor I have I looked back at all.

As for gchat, that's a little more of an addiction and not just when it comes to guys. My brain likes to multitask, and I work better when I feel like I'm not completely isolated from the world. There are two people I gchat every day, both girls, and this particular indulgence is not something I felt like I needed to let go of. Solution? First, I removed all potential guys from my "show" list (did not block them, just removed them so that I can't see when they're online). Second, I went invisible myself, so I can just message the two girls I like talking to.

This strategy has been mostly effective until recently. The only shortfall I had was my 2nd most recent ex, who knows I'm invisible because I pulled this sometimes pre-Rules, and chats me. OK, I guess I was bad at the beginning with him because I showed him the pictures of myself I posted to the AO, but that was the worst of it. But lately, I have started falling off the IM wagon. I have initiated IM conversations with this guy when invisible. I have initiated conversations with a previous ex (4th most recent, I think) that approach flirtation.

OK, the ex thing sucks and I clearly need to stop it in the spirit of the Rules, but is not terribly dangerous to my Rules experiment IRL because both exes are far away. But that's not all.

I have made myself "visible" a couple of times to chat with a new guy friend that I am only 80% sure is just a friend. He and I had IMed a couple of times before the experiment so there was some precedent for the conversations. I don't feel chemistry with him, but I have grown to like him a great deal, and am definitely establishing some kind of a bond with him. The first few times I made myself visible in order to bait him into chatting me, which he usually did. Then I stopped caring whether he IMed me first, and just signed on and IMed him when I want to. I actually asked him to go to a movie with me spontaneously one weeknight (as in, "I want to see the 7 PM show of X, let's go") and he did it. And then we went to dinner at a sit-down place afterwards.

And since I've been on the business trip, I've been just horrible about IMing. I miss the life I was building in Atlanta. I've started to feel insecure about having just established myself on the Jewish dating scene and then ripping myself away from it for two weeks and two weekends. I worry that I'll have to start all over when I get back, that the guys who had planted seeds of interest will forget about me, that I'll lose the great progress I'd made toward having a social circle in the Jewish community.

A CUAO is supposed to brush these thoughts aside. There will always be other men. If these men forget about me they never liked me enough to begin with. When I fly into town, jetsetter that I am, I will breeze into any room and light it up. And if nobody notices me, their loss.

But I am not quite in true CUAO form yet. And the result of that is back to old habits, meaning a total lapse on IM, as to ex boyfriends but most relevantly as to my new male friend.

I suppose this would not be a problem if we were truly just friends, but it is more complicated than that. I wonder if there might be interest on his end, though he's never made any overt moves in that direction. A couple of people have suggested that we date, or that something's already going on between us. Clearly I have thought about that possibility more than once. I admit that I have wished that there were more chemistry because I enjoy his company so much. I have even thought that I might be moving towards liking him that way a couple of times. I unabashedly ask him to hang out, on IM and not. I text him and respond to his texts.

After a particularly flirtatious IM conversation, I let my friend read it over. She informed me in no uncertain terms that I was leading him on. This is not something a Rules Girl would do.

So first of all, I think it's time to get my virtual self into shape. Lay off the IM. If I cannot lay off the IM, sign on infrequently and allow guys to IM me, but do not IM them. Apply the Rules of IMing in terms of my response time and length.

Lastly, use the rest of this trip to make some kind of a decision on my guy friend. If he is just a friend, I must treat him as such and quit flirting. If he might be more, I need to start Rulesing him.

How to be a Facebook CUAO (and pretend your date is one)

(Note: I spammed my own comment section because someone requested that I translate this into pirate, and I did it)

This is a long entry, but possibly the most important I will write over the course of my six-month expedition. It's also the most universally relevant, as I believe that everyone should be well-informed on internet privacy issues.

Remember when I said Rules Girls don't have time to facebook/google stalk? (There is no need to click, that's really all it says.) These days I would venture to guess with some certainty that before a first date, both parties google each other, and plug each other's names into facebook. If the person in question is a young-ish professional who uses the internet on a regular basis, you may have access to following information:

• age
• education
• publications
• current employer and possibly some employment history
• political affiliation, if any
• other organizational/group affiliations and activities
• a list of several hundred of their closest friends with your common friends conveniently separated
• genealogy
  

If the person in question has no privacy concerns or is not savvy enough to know that information they are sharing is publicly available, you may be able to find

• a multitude photographs of them at varying levels of sobriety
• a bunch of messages from 500 of their closest friends and their responses
• timestamps evidencing precise instants when they were using the internet
• excruciating detail about their "status" at a given moment

The upshot is that on the first date, you've compounded the usual awkwardness with both parties pretending not to know things that they do know. (On my recent date, we both ultimately revealed that we had googled each other, which was actually kind of cute. But I'm certain there were also things we discussed that we pretended not to know about each other already.)

Further, the ability to access lots of information about a prospective's life gives you a narrow and skewed picture of him that necessarily excludes most of the things I believe are truly important to a relationship - worldview, chemistry, real-life communication. With so much out there, you are bound to find something less than ideal, whether it be pictures of him with scantily-clad women, pictures of his face from unflattering angles, grammatically incorrect twitter posts, or (ahem) a very TMI blog.

This is why I am applying the Rules principle of trying hard not to look, even online. When I lapse, I try even harder not to judge.

What you can find out about him is of course important, but more pertinent to the Rules is what he can find out about you. How can Rules girls achieve that critical mystery on the information superhighway? My dating experiment so far has yielded inconclusive results. On one hand, two men who seemed interested facebook friended me, and then poofed even though I waited 24 hours to respond to their friend requests! Now I'm "friends" with two people whose only real role in my life is to spurn me. On the other hand, three other men sent me messages (purportedly) because of my facebook activity - usually because I had RSVPed for events they were invited to. Two of them asked me out via facebook message, at least sort of.

The one indisputable conclusion is that what you put out in cyberspace does have an impact. Literally every single prospective I've had so far has interacted with me in some online capacity, the vast majority with facebook as their icebreaking medium of choice.

In its typical antiquated way, the Rules for Online Dating discusses privacy only in terms of safety.

Make sure you have an unlisted number. Otherwise, someone can find out your home address on the Internet...Also do a quick check that your address isn't on the Internet already. You can go to the following sites and look yourself up: http://people.yahoo.com; http://anywho.com. --Rule #15, Rules for Online Dating: Put Safety First

I looked myself up on both of these sites and found my address with a handy map showing my exact location, alongside two butchered versions of my father's name as "relatives." And you know what? I may not be "putting safety first," but my home address ranks pretty low on the list of things I am nervous about people knowing. If people are truly inclined to stalk me, they can easily find out where I work and follow me home. There is nothing I can do about this because I became googlable the second I decided to work at a law firm.

The Rules for Online Dating provides some limited analogies. "Be an Online CUAO," they say in Chapter 4.

Although you may be sitting at your computer in sweatpants responding to e-mails, you are still a CUAO. If you imagine yourself in high heels and a sleek outfit, your makeup on perfectly, and your hair blown out like a magazine model's, your writing will reflect this...Answer the dating service questionnaire as if a limousine is outside waiting to take you somewhere and you really don't have a lot of time.

Phew! I thought they were going to say I actually had to put on my makeup before I sat down at the computer. I am currently in a fluffy bathrobe over a T-shirt and gym shorts. ("Nice outfit," said the next-door neighbor when I stepped out for a moment this morning, also wearing a fluffy bathrobe and toasting me with his coffee mug.)

Anyhow, Online Dating Rule #3, "Less is More When Writing Your Ad," seems relevant as well. I have already concluded that this is no less applicable to facebook. One problem is that facebook is evil and is engaged in a big-brother-esque campaign to make it more cumbersome to keep things private, and, in my view, to dupe you into not knowing what is private and what is not. Those of you who know me know it was only a matter of time before I got up on my soapbox and railed on facebook here. Although what I am about to say will be controversial to facebook lovers/junkies, I would recommend that a Rules Girl do the following at a minimum to sanitize her facebook profile, which is a ginormous but well-worth-it undertaking:

1. Educate yourself on what information you can no longer make private. This includes, most importantly, a) your profile picture; b) your primary e-mail address; c) the groups you have joined; and d) the politicians, musicians, groups, video games, or products that you are a "fan" of. Look through this information and imagine Prince Charming reading it before he knows you or anything about you. Remember that facebook can take anything you're a fan of and put it in a facebook ad on any of your confirmed friends' pages (e.g. "Celebs on Facebook: Rulebreaker and 2 other friends are fans.") Remove yourself from groups and fan pages accordingly.
   
2. Change your profile picture if necessary to an innocuous but pretty smiling headshot.
   
3. If you used your secret junk e-mail address for facebook as I used to (I was HORRIFIED when this was made public), change your primary e-mail address to your school address or something else. Do this by going to Account --> Account settings, and then clicking on "change" next to e-mail address. Select the radio button next to the e-mail address you want to use. If you only have one e-mail listed, you will need to add another before you change your "contact e-mail."
   
4. Remove unnecessary information from your profile. Note: alternatively, you can just limit this information to a special list you will create for your trusted friends, but I recommend you take a good look at your profile regardless, and think about the information you want to be sharing with anyone. From your profile, click the "Info" tab (right under your name, top center of the page). Click "edit information" in top right corner - the little pencil icon. Unclick all the boxes next to "interested in" and "looking for." It's ok to have "single" listed, I think, just so people know you're available. Delete "political views." Click "save settings" (underneath "Religious views"). Repeat this process for "Personal Information," "Contact Information," and "Education and work."
   
5. Create a special friends list. Account --> edit friends --> create new list. Name your list and put only your trusted friends in it. I cheesily call mine the "Circle of Trust" and it contains only girls. Exclude anyone you think may log on and show your profile to a guy you're dating, even if she's fixing you up with him.
   
6. Delete all but the most benign "applications" you have used as a non-Rules girl. You should delete Farmville, Mafia Wars, Questions, Pillow Fight, What's your personality type, etc. You can keep your reading lists, and your scrabble, I guess. To do this, go to Account --> Application Settings. On the page that pops up, click the gray "x" all the way to the right next to all of the applications that have an "x" next to them. Each time you click on an "x," a box pops up, and you click "Remove." Note that facebook has purposefully discouraged you from doing this by (a) making the core tools of facebooks (such as "events") equivalent to applications (such as "Farmville"); and (b) making the application names nondescript so that you don't know what you're deleting and are scared to delete it. Rules girls do not fall for this crap.
   
7. Go to Account --> Privacy Settings --> Profile information. You will see a list of categories of information, each corresponding to a gray box with the people who can see that information. Change everything to friends only by clicking on the little arrow on the gray box, and selecting "Only friends" from the drop-down menu. Additionally, unclick all of the checkboxes next to "And these networks."
   
8. Still within Account --> Privacy Settings --> Profile information, go through the same list again and change the more personal items to your trusted friends list. I would strongly suggest that you limit your Photos and Videos, Personal Info, and Birthday to your trusted friends. Here is how you do this, and it is an arbitrary and capricious pain: for each category you'd like to change, click on the little arrow on the gray box, then click on "Custom - edit" from the drop-down menu. A box pops up. Select "specific people" from the top drop-down menu. Type the name of your trusted friends list in the blank that appears (it will automatically fill in after the first few letters, and you click to select it. make sure it actually appears in the blank before you leave the page). Click "Save settings."
   
9. Still within Account --> Privacy Settings --> Profile information, click on the gray box next to "Photo Albums," which says "Edit Settings." On the drop-down menu corresponding to each album, select "Custom." From the box that pops up, make sure the "Everyone on facebook" checkbox is unclicked. Then select the "Some friends" radio button. Type the name of your trusted friends list in the blank that appears. Click "Okay." Note: I would suggest you make all of your photo albums available only to your trusted friends, but if you absolutely must make some albums available to more than that, make sure you are sober and not all up on some guy in each album; and still make it friends only. When you are done changing the settings on all of your albums, scroll to the bottom of the page and click "Save settings."
10. Go to Account --> Privacy Settings --> Contact Information and repeat #5 and 6. I'm less concerned about contact info, frankly, because you can't really be judged on it. But "safety first!
    
11. Go to Account --> Privacy Settings --> Applications and Websites. Click on the "Edit settings" box next to "What your friends can share about you." On the page that shows up, unclick all the boxes, then click "Save settings." Honestly, Rules girls, there is no real reason that you need to allow your friends control over publishing your information. You should be concerned that facebook even allows this!
12. Still in Account --> Privacy Settings --> Applications and Websites, click the gray box next to "Activity on Applications and Games dashboards." Click "Customize" and select "specific people" from the box that pops up, type your trusted friends list, and unclick all the networks. Then click "Save setting."
13. Go to Account --> Privacy Settings --> Search. Unclick the box next to "Public search results." Again, Rules girls, if someone wants to look you up in facebook, they can. No need to make it easy for them when they google you. I have mixed feelings about allowing your search result to show up to "everyone" in facebook - this is up to you. I currently allow "everyone" to search for me, but I think the more Rules-y approach is not to. You are still visible when you RSVP to events or have friends in common, and potential guys can click on you then.
    
14. Go to Account --> Account Settings. Click on the tab that says "Facebook ads." From the drop-down menu next to "Allow ads on platform pages to show my information to," select "No one."
    
15. From your profile page, find the "Notes" box. Click on "See all." For each damn note you have ever written, click on "Edit Note." Scroll down to the bottom of the page. Under "Note privacy," click on the "Who can see this?" drop down menu. Select "Custom." Unclick "everyone on facebook" check box. Under "friends," click on the radio button "Some friends." Type your trusted friends list name in the blank that shows up. Under "networks," select "None of my networks" from the drop-down menu. Click "okay." Click "save."
    
16. From your profile page, find the "Friends" box. Click on the little pencil in the upper right hand corner of it. From the little box that pops up, unclick the box that says "show friends to everyone."
    
17. From your profile page, click the little magnifying glass on the right, under the gray box where you can post a status update. A little menu will pop up. Click the blue button that says "Just [your name]" (note, if you have followed instructions thus far, only friends can see anything your friends have posted anyway). You cannot change the privacy settings for your individual past posts or actions. So just click the "remove" button on everything remotely controversial or non-Rules-y (including things that evince that you spend way too much time on the internet, such as you posting on people's walls excessively), back to the beginning of your facebook existence. Of course, facebook makes this a two-step process, where a box pops up and you have to click "delete" before it will actually remove the post.
18. To test your privacy settings, go to Account --> Privacy Settings --> Profile information, and click the box near the top on the right that says "Preview my profile." In the blank above your preview, type in someone's name who is outside your trusted friends list, ideally a prospective guy if there are any on the list. If you missed anything, go change it.
    
19. Every time you post a new photo album or note, make sure the correct privacy setting (trusted friends, unless there is some unusual circumstance) is selected from the drop-down menu.
20. Every time you post a status update (which should be infrequently anyway), click the little padlock icon right under the typing area, on the right. Select the correct setting - usually "trusted friends." It is far easier to change your default setting to trusted friends on Account --> Privacy settings --> Profile information --> Posts by me. Then if for some reason you want to post a status to all your friends, it's much easier to select it from the little lock.
    
21. Every time you take any other action on facebook, such as changing your profile information, commenting on a photo, accepting a friend request, or posting on someone's wall, immediately click on your profile when you are done with it. Click "remove" next to the action. You're already being light and breezy, but seriously, why does everyone need to know when you are posting on people's walls or friending people? Do this when you sign on, too, incase someone has accepted your friend request recently.
22. Before you take any action on someone else's photo or wall, imagine prospective dates finding it and reading it.
    
23. Keep in mind that no matter how much you lock down your information, facebook can and likely will change their policies about it. Every time you see anything about facebook changing its privacy settings, either on facebook or elsewhere, try to figure out what horrible thing they've done now to trick you into sharing your information, and opt out of it if possible. If not possible to opt out, delete information.
    
24. NOW are you scared of facebook? When the apocalypse comes, make sure you know how to "deactivate account" - currently Account --> Account Settings --> Deactivate Account. Although honestly, I would not be surprised if facebook eventually refused to let you do that, too.
    
25. Congratulations, you have become a Facebook CUAO. Give yourself a cookie or a manicure or something.
    

Unfortunately, you're not done. You also need to google yourself and become aware of what's there. To the extent you can control it, do. Edit your work web bio. Take down your work profile picture or take a new one. Lock down your non-anonymous blog (as for your anonymous blog, that remains to be seen). Quit posting on twitter, for crying out loud.

Another dangerous website is Linkedin. Linkedin concerns me far less than facebook, because it's kept its promise to be a professional rather than a social networking site. But keep close tabs on your linkedin profile, and remember that it's probably your 2nd or 3rd result on google if you've got a legit career.

As you may have guessed, I'm on a bit of a crusade to educate people about facebook privacy issues. I spent a really long time figuring everything out for this entry, because I believe it is so important. Please feel free to comment below if you have questions or can't figure something out and I will try to figure it out for you and comment back.

As if

You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe...You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if! --Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other

On Purim you're supposed to get so drunk that you can't tell Mordechai from Haman. The obvious symbolism here is that Mordechai = good and Haman = evil. To a lawyer, this immediately conjures up first year criminal law. Unable to tell the difference between right and wrong means you can't be held responsible for the crime you committed. Of course, most states specifically don't allow you to use voluntary intoxication as the reason you were unable to tell the difference between good and evil. But you get the point.

At Friday night Shabbat dinner the rabbi explained that the concept behind this requirement is introspection, reflection, dialing down your brain until you get to a higher level of perspective. You drink to go beyond the rational part of your brain so that you begin to confuse the good with the evil forces in your life, in the hope that you will come closer to sorting it out. I am perhaps adding my own spin onto what the rabbi said because I really identified with this and I hadn't really heard it quite this way before.

The rabbi also explained that in terms of amount, you are meant to drink as much as it takes you to "fall asleep from drunkenness." I would assume this means something short of "black out in the parking lot," but you can never be sure.

Let us rewind for a moment. Almost exactly two months ago my 2.5 year relationship ended abruptly. I have not seen or communicated with him since. I know from the unfortunate technological advance of facebook RSVP lists that I've listed myself as a "maybe" on Jewish events that he's been to, and vice versa. But never did our paths actually cross before yesterday.

I received a facebook invitation for a Jewish organization's Purim party, one I have attended in past years. He was listed as going. I had pretty much decided not to go; there were multiple other parties/Megillah readings going on that night, so why pick this one where awkwardness was a certainty? Then at Shabbat dinner a few of my new friends asked me to go. They also told me the theme of the party -- one that would allow me to buy and wear this neon-colored wig I have wanted an excuse to own for a really long time.

The desire to put off this unpleasantness was gradually outweighed by the thought of wearing a blue wig when I saw him for the first time. Per the rabbi, we wear masks on Purim not to hide ourselves, but to reveal our inner selves, at least to ourselves. A bright funky wig is not quite a mask, but looking drastically different from myself on this night seemed fitting. I'd be effectively in disguise, my most noticeable feature hidden, unrecognizable from a distance.

So I went. In a minidress and an electric blue bob.

Party #1: +2 alcoholic beverages

My M.O. at this party: approach people I already knew and talk to them, acting like I was a social butterfly having a great time. For the most part, this was genuine, I was having fun even though I had a constant pit in my stomach as soon as I happened to see him walk in (no eye contact, and I looked immediately away). My blue wig made me feel on stage through my queasiness, and made it much easier to "act as if."

I realize that being so overtly outgoing is somewhat in conflict with The Rules, but I concentrated my efforts on women and did not approach or begin conversations with men I did not know (or knew only minimally). I did unabashedly initiate conversations with the guy friends I knew well, but to the extent this was bending the Rules I excused it because of the unique difficulties this night presented. I tried very hard to minimize the looking around, and During the Megillah reading I pretty much managed not to look around at all.

Immediately after the Megillah reading I had to leave the party to go to another party. He had not approached me, and I was pretty sure the Rules would disapprove of me approaching him. The Rules are not entirely clear on this point, because if I'm not interested in reconciliation technically I wouldn't have to Rules him anyway; if I am interested in reconciliation the Rules allow for one light and breezy phone call when you know he's not going to answer his phone.

Calling when he's not in is crucial; you don't want to make him uncomfortable if he doesn't want to hear from you or is involved with someone else or even married. Leaving a message also allows him to call you if and when he wants to, which is the best start for any conversation between you. Your message gives him time to think and the option of not calling, which you must give him.

How this is possible in the age of cell phones I'm not sure. Leave a message at his work number on a Sunday? That seems bizarre.

In any case, this is mostly dicta because I am not in a position where I want him back. I admit I have my moments of wistfulness, but if he suddenly wanted to start over I can't say right now that I would be up for that. I have never seriously considered attempting the "one call for closure."

However, in leaving the party I recalled this rule and had my reasons for wanting to apply it by analogy in order to permit myself to initiate a conversation with him. Mainly, it was the feeling that if I left a party where we were both unequivocally aware of each other's presence without having interacted with him, it would cement a status quo of awkwardness and avoidance. As horrible as it feels to be at single events with him or even to imagine that scenario, I do not want that result.

After getting my coat, I strode back into the party room and looked demurely around the room for him. I spotted him quickly, with his friend (whom I run into much more often). I walked over, smiled, and looked at each of them in turn. I said "hi," directed at them both. In my brain, the next sentence was "okay, let's cut this bullshit. We need to be able to interact with each other." But the Rules restrained me from breaking character.

"How are you?" he said, with some undecipherable but meaningful expression in his eyes. Seeing him look at me that way and speaking to him like an acquaintance pained me, but my smile remained steadfast. "Good!" I said breezily. Looking again at the friend and addressing them both, I said "Well, I have to go to another party, but I didn't know if you guys would still be here when I got back, so I wanted to say hi."

The friend asked me where the party was, I told him, he said that was far, I said yes. Then I said to both of them, "it was good to see you guys," and left acting "as if" I was perfectly content with myself and the world and his presence in it.

Party #2: +1 alcoholic beverage

Driving to my next stop that evening, I felt a major adrenaline rush. I was high on courage. I was drunk on my own strength contrasted with what I perceived as affirmation of his weakness. I went to party #2 and reveled in my friends' positive reaction to my outfit.

As the night wore on, the initial euphoria wore off and I began to miss him. I wished that seeing me would trigger in him a desire to contact me, to talk to me, to be with me. I ached thinking of the sudden and total loss that had befallen us two months before, feeling like it was yesterday.

Party #3: +2 alcoholic beverages

Even then I forged on acting "as if." Instead of going home and crumbling, I tried to go back to the first party. It had already ended, so I bugged a few friends to go to my favorite dance club with me. My heart wasn't exactly in it, but I kept on going. In my thoughts, painful memories and inclinations towards regret intertwined with a profound appreciation for the friends who came out with me, the friend I voicemail-spammed in between the two parties, my family.

At 107 pounds, I'm not quite sure how I put away 5 drinks on Purim and didn't get what I would call drunk. "Boy, you can hold your liquor," my friend said at 3:10 AM when I drove him home. Yet I did feel a heaviness in my head as I entered my apartment. I quickly drifted off upon laying down, perhaps achieving the "drink until you sleep" mitzvah.

I dreamed about the party: he and I were standing back to back, each talking to other people. We occasionally touched by accident, and he turned around and spoke my home address as if he wanted to go there. I asked him why. He responded in a way that confirmed that he did not want to get back together.

The day after: +0 alcoholic beverages

I woke up too early, mildly traumatized by the dream. I mentally rejected the great life I have been building for these past two months, and instead submerged myself in wrenching disbelief that the upshot of all my blue-wigged fearlessness the night before amounted to a mere two-minute cameo. I missed him. I missed our relationship with all its problems. I sent my inconveniently abroad best friend a novella of an e-mail. Then, I put on a sweater dress, makeup, and a smile, and went to brunch with my best girlfriends, once again laughing, recounting stories, and acting "as if."

In the afternoon I went to visit a friend and her baby. At the end of a very pleasant conversation, she asked me how I was doing with the breakup, a question I would have answered "great" to a few days before. I was surprised at the tears that spilled out, but let them come. In that safe space, I purged myself of the weight bearing down on the shaky foundation propping up my bold, confident armor. Then, I stood up, hugged my friend, and went to meet some others to speak the foreign language I studied in college. I acted flawlessly "as if."

Weary at the end of my Purim day, my stirred-up emotions turned into questions. Did I unmask my true inner strength when I advanced, determined, towards being the bigger person? Or did my rekindled backward glances reveal an inability to overcome?

Am I furious and bitter at a Haman who hurt me or longing for a Mordechai who does not exist?

Draining as it was, acting "as if" each time faded into feeling "as if." Resolution of these inner conflicts does not occur overnight, but I daresay I am a rung higher on the ladder of self, where "as if" is unnecessary at the top.

Note to self

Rules girls are too busy to facebook / google stalk.

Dodgeball Damsel

[W]e strongly suggest that you shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video, or go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet men who are jogging or walking their dogs).
--The Rules, Chapter IV

Your gestures are soft and feminine ... All your movements ... are fluid and sexy ... You're demure, a bit mysterious.
--Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"

I have to exercise? But I hate the gym, and it's winter and too cold for a wuss like me to exercise in the park. Rulebreaker responds: coed JCC dodgeball.



And here we truly see the Rules begin to unravel.

My father is a yell at the television kind of guy. I was brought up watching him fixate on the screen, unable to restrain himself from enthusiastic outbursts when our baseball heroes hit homeruns. He is similarly audible when the umpire makes a call against us, or the other team scores. Whether by nature or nurture, I am also a proactive spectator. "IT DIDN'T HIT HIM!" I yell when someone barely dodges a ball and the other team starts pointing fingers. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I cheer when we make a catch to get someone out. Now, there's no chapter on dodgeball (or any team sports, really), but I have a feeling Rules girls would handle things differently. They might clap politely and congratulate their teammates quietly. I am loud.

Nor would Rules girls probably play the actual game the way I do. The Rules thing to do is probably what most of the other girls do - they hang back by the wall and duck, never trying to throw a ball or run out into the crossfire unless they manage to stay in till the end and there are an abundance of balls rolling around. Not me. I suck at dodgeball, but I am in it, damnit. I run around, I play decoy, I play bodyguard for the best players on my team, I get the balls and go right up to the line and my weak arm hurls it with all my might at the nearest adversary.

Arguably my relationship with my dodgeball team is not a Rules-y one and I can be a little flexible with them. (Note: Will post separately on who in my life is subject to the Rules.) However, I act like this in front of all the other teams too. Dodgeball has the largest concentration of eligible Jewish men that I see on a regular basis and I am hopelessly unadulterated for most of the time they see me.

To be clear, I am not intentionally breaking Rules. Every time I pull into the JCC parking lot I tell myself I'm going to tone it down tonight. But within a minute or two after the first whistle blows, I am just having way too much fun to implement my plan.

Being a CUAO is largely about confidence. While dodgeball me --er, real me-- is a bit frenetic, she is nothing if not confident. She is also many other things that apply to a CUAO - happy, at ease, not anxious, not cynical, optimistic. So perhaps there is a tradeoff to be had here. I am not breaking the Rules about initiating conversations, staring (unless I need to peg someone), or acting interested. I wear makeup, contacts, and cute clothes. I also make efforts to be seen in my nice work clothes where possible.And do I really want someone that is turned off by my enthusiasm?

Who knows? Dodgeball is fun, people seem to like me, and I'm making lots of friends. But it hasn't gotten me any dates yet.

Rule #1: Creature-ness

Finally, I'm getting to a real Rule! The rule is... "Be a 'Creature Unlike Any Other'." "Creature" isn't the word I would have chosen. Google image says:



Anyhow, they coin this creature term and then later on sometimes abbreviate it CUAO, which is a little Rachael Ray for my taste.

I'm not sure how they came up with the name, but it is the Rules's version of total and complete self-confidence, a central theme.

Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind...[it] is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight), and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back).

I like it in concept. I also like how they give you actual things to practice to develop this sense, unlike many self-improvement "think positive" concepts thrown at you with little concrete to tie to it. Though, it is interesting how all these creatures unlike any other have to be exactly the same.


I skipped charm school, so I really will have to practice these. I made a concerted effort to walk briskly back from the bathroom to my office all day today, but that's about all the opportunity I had. In terms of lighting up a room, I generally do it with my bubbliness and excitement and intense positive energy, but I'm going to have to find another way under the Rules.

Creature-ness is about pretending to feel really, really good about yourself even when you don't, so that eventually, you do.

If you think you aren't pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself 'Any man would be lucky to have me,' until it sinks in and you start to believe it.

The second book has a chapter (30) devoted to how "The Rules Are a Healthy Way of Life."

By not pursuing men or allowing yourself to rationalize staying in a dependent or destructive relationship, you automatically become a healthier, more grounded and self-empowered person. You're not a nervous wreck, trying to get a man who isn't interested in you to love you or begging the man you are dating to make a commitment.

That rings very true to me. Hopefully this clarifies some of why I think these six months are as worthwhile, if not more, than an artificial forced dating hiatus. Creature-ness, Rule #1, is the essence of that, however weird it sounds.

Speaking of six months, apparently I magically conjured up the recommended amount of time. From Rule #31: Don't discuss The Rules with your therapist (phrased as a "strong suggestion" but not an outright forbiddal):

We suggest you try The Rules for six months before doing anything else.

The six months part amuses me, but I'm not sure what is meant by "anything else." Like a conflicting set of dating rules? I can't think of one, it's more like you follow the Rules, you follow relaxed Rules, or you don't follow Rules.

Nervous babbling and complaining out, optimism and brisk movement in. Off I go into creature-ness land.