Breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.
As funny as this Seinfeld episode makes it, the backslide has been a huge problem in my life. The date --> break up --> move on model has been all but completely foreign to me. And I'm not talking about finding myself lightheartedly back in bed with Puddy. My relationships are giant monstrosities of coke machines that pick up momentum as they sway violently back and forth toward fatal impact.
And while on some level "regret" does not jive with my belief system, on another, I do not believe that I gained from my backsliding. In every case, I had enough information at the time of the first breakup. In every case, I still insisted on beating my head against a wall until I had the same conclusion plus a broken skull.
Not that there is anything per se wrong with breaking up and then getting back together. But you see, that is not what I do. I relapse. I get addicted to something - not the person, but something I associate with being with the person - and then I am powerless to make any decisions at all about it. Something takes over me and I fall into it, or let myself be pulled in, or pull him in. This impairs my ability to move on and to be happy in general.
Related rules/concepts:
-not being a drama queen
Challenges
-as I may get deeper into later, mental illness
-figuring out the right combination of heart and head for interacting with a former significant other
Clean breaks are difficult and rare. I understand how hard it is to "rip the bandaid" off sometimes... (sorry, too many mixed metaphors - coke machines, bandaids, etc) - JR
ReplyDeleteI read thru half your blog last night after googling whether or not it was worth trying the Rules to sustain a two-week fling I had while I was on holiday during which we saw each other every day (so non-Rules!). This important subject - can you use the Rules at whatever point & still get some kind of effect despite having been pushy before - doesnt seem to be covered in the Rules' original-sin rhetoric that any diversion from the Rules will be paid for somehow in the ensuing relationship. Anyway! Specifically on this post, I feel your pain - but I wonder what strange model of rships we compare ourselves to when we find ourselves lacking. Who are these people who have clean easy break-ups, behave impeccably, etc? And are those people, if they exist, perhaps just not very... well... relational? You seem - I mean I'm just going from your blog here, but whatever - very nice and engaged with the world and thoughtful and funny. Considering that loving and being loved by other people is probably the hardest thing in the world, harder than physics fo sho (I have an astrophysicist friend who agrees), I think you're doing really well. This is embarrassing advice that I would only give anonymously, but I have a similar pattern & found it helpful to read self-help stuff about anxious attachment, just to understand that the mad fear of loss I experience around endings is not necessarily related to the actual relationship at stake. We're always dredging up these antiquated but sadly beloved models of previous loves/losses to try to understand our current situations - maybe this is where the Rules, however overly strict, are onto something: if we know that our psyches are junkshops full of outdated miscellanea, why not treat them as such ie ignore any inner life as much as possible? Well, I don't know. Good luck! Will check back again soon.
ReplyDeleteThat was a really nice and thoughtful comment, Anonymous. Much appreciated. Any particular recommended readings?
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