Summaries of a couple of recent conversations about finding someone:
PRG: OK, so I'm actually thinking that I have overdone (and not so elegantly) rulesing in such a brusque and unthoughtful way that I have led a couple of people to believe that I am not interested. Humph. How do you undo that if you're not allowed to contact them?... How many dates can a person endure before finding someone who's a good match?
Rulebreaker: I would rather never find a "good match" than expend a lot of mental energy wondering why I don't have one. I think about the pain people go through when they marry the wrong person and have kids with them and have property with them and all that, and I just would rather live my own life than deal with any of that. The only exception is if a truly "good match" finds his way into my life. And if he does, he does. And if he is put off by my acting uninterested, then he's not really a good match. Because as the Rules says, if he is really that interested in you, he WILL keep pursuing you. He's not going to just let you disappear.
The problem is, that's really really rare. Non-Rules girls can get away with saying oh, but that's not the way things go anymore. A perfectly decent guy could get the wrong idea and then you'd LOSE HIM FOREVER OMG.
I don't buy it. If he really wants me, he will come after me. That may be rare. It may never happen. But I'm okay with that. I would rather that than have someone too lazy or emotionally inept or just not that into me to step up. (And yes, I think those three things are different from each other :) - i don't think every guy has it in him to get a Rules Girl, and generally most guys don't need to)
College friend: Are you ever afraid you're going to tap out the dating pool in [your city]?
Rulebreaker: I'm not approaching dating that way anymore. I've spent 29 years dating out of fears like those. Heck, the idea that I might date through all the eligible Jewish men in my city that are remotely compatible with me is not so farfetched - I had actually considered moving away from a place I otherwise really like because of it. Neither is the fear that I might miss my window to have kids (although the actuaries didn't seem to think so at my age). But why would I ponder those things? Nothing good can come of it. I post this mainly because my instinctive response to this question, which came pretty naturally to me, is evidence of a healthy attitude that has always eluded me in the past.
About the window to have kids: I'm 46 and premenopausal (have a few of the signs), and have been told by a GP that if I wanted to have a baby now, it's "unlikely, but possible" and she could "discuss fertility options" with me. Apparently actual menopause doesn't usually hit until you're around 50 to 55. Even so, by the time you reach that age, who knows what technology might come up with? And as for myself, I wouldn't be averse to adopting if the maternal urge ever hit me.
ReplyDeleteSo...just some reassurance, you have lots of time.