The most recent of the Rules books is The Rules for Online Dating, published in 2002. 2002 is way out of date to begin with, as neither facebook nor texting was prevalent at that time (though both existed). However, AIM and e-mail were both in prevalent use in 2002, and the flaws of the book extend beyond antiquated-ness. The writing makes it obvious that its authors are really not much for computers.
The book is geared towards dating services such as Match, but its rules can be extended to general internet usage rules. The ones about e-mail purport to apply to men whether met online or offline. For example, Rule 1: Don't e-mail men first. Ok. Rule 5: Wait 24 hours to respond. Rule 6: Don't answer on weekends or holidays. Kind of implausible in the mobile technology era, but alright. Rule 7: Write light and breezy e-mails.
This week I received an e-mail from someone I shamelessly flirted with before this experiment. If I initiated this interaction, which it's unclear whether I did, the Rules says this "relationship" is already doomed so not much to lose here.
So, applying the above rules: Rule 5 + Rule 6 means that if a guy e-mails you Wednesday afternoon, you e-mail him back Thursday evening, and he e-mails you back later that evening, you can't e-mail him until Sunday after 5 PM. That seems a little extreme, when nowadays most young people have mobile technology and you can reasonably expect your e-mail will have been read within a few hours unless the person is unusually outdoorsy. Also, Rule 7 does not explain what "light and breezy" means other than to say only write two or three sentences (I agree unless his e-mail is significantly longer) avoid emoticons (I tend to overuse, so this tip is useful) and not to bare your soul (duh).
In my response to a short, unexpected e-mail, I resisted the urge to use emoticons or exclamation points even though he had used both. I wasn't effusive and I didn't say it was great to hear from him. I answered his innocuous question and asked him the same one. It felt so COLD. He wrote back a few hours later, didn't answer my question, asked me a follow-up question, and was almost apologetic about having e-mailed me in the first place. I guess I'll get back to him Sunday...
I'm finding this 2002 book and its 24-hour/no computing on weekends rules pretty inapplicable to the lives of most people my age, so these might require a bit of modification or flexibility. I haven't even attempted to interpret texting, IM, and facebook yet.
Do the Rules state 24 hours after EVERY communication, or just the first? There has to be some sort of cutoff, you can't be 3 weeks into a relationship and still be waiting a day every time you get a voicemail from a guy.
ReplyDeleteThe 24 hour window makes sense to me for initial contact, but I would think you would taper it back from there. 24 for the 1st email, 16 for the next one, 8 for the next one, or some such.
Interesting. If it were an actuary, though, they'd probably figure out my formula pretty quickly so I'd have to be a little less mathematical, but that would give me a little wiggle room to e-mail this guy back today. Do you have thoughts as to the weekend/holiday rule?
ReplyDeleteI think I would actually be ok with a Friday night through Sunday morning rule. Sunday night seems close enough to the work week to count.
ReplyDeleteOf course you aren't following Brody's Rules, so you can't do what I say!
Regarding Rule #7, I think there's a fine line between sounding unstable, desperate, and potentially psycho vs. cold, heartless, uninterested, and most importantly BORING.
ReplyDeleteI love when women are deep and complex, and yes they shouldn't divulge too much in the first email or so, but in this age, I can see a lot of beginning couples communicating primarily through writing, especially because some people just aren't ones to enjoy talking on the phone and given how busy professionals are, sometimes it's just impossible to meet up more than once a week. If I emailed a girl and she only responded with one or two sentence "breezy" replies, I would start to lose interest in her rather quickly or think she was getting annoyed by me. This would not just incite me to "try harder." Given how many other women are out there and easily accessbile online, I'd just move on to the next.
Conversely if she responded everytime with 500 word essays, I'd think she was too needy, desperate, etc. For me at least it's a delicate balance..and I guess I apply that same principle to myself when I write emails to women I'm pursing.
I totally agree, Anonymous. I will say that not everyone is like you re: deep and complex women, but then I think, why would I want someone who doesn't like it when women are deep and complex?
ReplyDeleteI'm starting off applying the e-mail Rules strictly and so far it seems to be panning out the way you describe. In this particular case his e-mails are short and uncomplicated so although it felt cold and a little unnatural, it wasn't too hard to respond like that.
Rule Breaker, I think you missed the point on this one. And I think the rules are still a pretty good guideline. The idea is:
ReplyDelete- You are busy and happy. You do not have time to respond to every email or voicemail as soon as it's received.
Re: online dating, 24-hours is easy! You check your email once per day and respond then. What's the rush? They will look forward to your response and you will stop obsessing over why they haven't responded back quickly enough to suit you.
Re: texting, If you are happy and busy, do you really take time out every time your phone goes off to respond immediately? I don't wait 24 hours, but most of the time, I do wait some time before I respond. E.g., I finish what I'm doing and get back when it's convenient for me. Anticipation is a beautiful thing (within reason). And if they have to wait a long time on occassion, say something nice to let them know you were not blowing them off. You were just "in the middle of something".
Re: length of response,
Cold is NOT the objective. light and breezy can be happy and playful--in a concise manner. Short, fun, flirty even. Not boring. And not impersonal. This is your chance to share your vivacious personality and wit and at the same time show that you are not demanding or needy.
I just respond with an amount of text /effort correlative to what they sent me (except never ridiculously long--like my comments here--lol, no matter how long their email is).
-A Practicing Rules Girl
PS. Weekends are off limits. I am busy! I have plans with friends and other dates. I respond Sunday afternoon when i'm getting back to home-life.
It works! I swear, I've started treating men according to 'the rules' - and they all tried to date me (until I lost interest, because they were so easy to see through...).
ReplyDeleteThe rules books are the best books I've ever read...nevertheless using your brains sometimes and not following the rules overexactly seems to be of advantage...