- I actually think that if I follow the Rules, no dating may be the result because my personality doesn't fit with them AT ALL and I'm not sure they work in modern society anyway. I've said this already, but it bears mentioning again.
- I'm not sure a hiatus would really work to change my mindset, or if it did, it would be pretty miserable in the process. I'm kind of obsessive about men and find it hard to concentrate on my own life when I'm not in a relationship. Because my work life is so grueling, I can't just suddenly let go of my compulsion to think about men when I don't have one. The Rules, in addition to being a "method to dating" (which channels my natural impulse to obsess about men), works to change this attitude, which is something I think could be helpful to me. This way I still get to think about it - something I don't think I'm quite strong enough to control since it's been with me my whole life - but I'm doing it in a different, hopefully healthier, way. This is probably the main reason, honestly.
- I enjoy writing and have been meaning to start a blog for a long time. It seemed like a cohesive enough concept to go with, so I took the opportunity. I decided I would try to post regularly to test the waters until the 28th, and then go for it if I still felt like it would be a positive thing.
- I am 29.5, and I want to have kids someday. My single male friends have made comments about avoiding girls as old as I am, because they want multiple kids. Reality.
- I mentioned my work life above, and that's a factor. Last year I worked 60-80 hours a week and pulled at least 5 all-nighters. If I turn dating off as a priority for 6 months, I could wind up in my current job 10 years from now with nothing else going on, and possibly insane. Ok, that's admittedly unlikely because of how much I care about things like music (I'm in a musical performing group) and volunteering and other activities. But work was driving me crazy before my breakup, and I don't want it to suck my personal life away now that I no longer have a relationship. The one other girl at my workplace that's not married is a scary workaholic.
- Putting myself "out there" allows me to make new friends too, and I've started making lots of new friends already thinking about this approach. This is particularly helpful for someone who lost a bunch of friends recently because they were all his - I moved to this city for a job, met this guy, and started hanging out with him and his friends for 2 years before I really made mine, so a big chunk of my social circle just got chopped off. Luckily, I do have plenty of really great friends here that are my own, but it's nice to make more.
- Finally, and this is a big one too, it adds significance to turning 30 that allows me to embrace that milestone rather than fear it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Why not just not date for 6 months?
This has been suggested to me more than once both by close friends and random people on the internet, based on the unfortunate fact that I've never had real single time. My relationship life was really confusing in college and the year after, so I'm not sure it's 100% true to say 3 months is the longest I've been single (though during that period I was always engaging with or crushing on certain men). But I actually did consider the option of a hiatus, and talked it over with a few people, but when I thought of this idea I just went with it. I didn't have a whole lot of time to think it over because the concept revolved around turning 30, but I also think that this is a good way to go for these reasons:
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Wishing you lots of luck with dating. A couple of comments:
ReplyDelete1. The Rules isn't about how many hours/days before texting, IM-ing, whatever. The Rules is an attitude. If you meet someone thinking "I have to hook up with him/her" you lose. Always keep an open mind, be able to walk away if it's not right.
2. Despite what your male friends may tell you, 29.5 is still very young, and turning 30 isn't as scary as most women think. You still have plenty of child-bearing years ahead of you.
Good luck!
"My single male friends have made comments about avoiding girls as old as I am, because they want multiple kids. Reality."
ReplyDeleteWTF? I'd think it would be just the opposite, avoiding girls your age because they don't want kids and often women in the 29-33 range want babies ASAP. Who the heck are these guys and do they not comprehend basic arithemtic? You could have your first anywhere from 32-35 and your second one or two years later and that is perfectly normal and acceptable.
I really don't think you should be concerned about child bearing at 30. My mother was in her early 30s when I was born and my father was in his 40s.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there is some research out there, but I suspect that children born to older, more mature parents have advantages in terms of stability and the knowledge level of their parents compared to children born to parents in their early 20s or late teens.
At least you now allow anonymous comments...
ReplyDeleteThis seems like you are extorting comments in exchange for the promise of a picture we may never see
I'm glad there are people balking at the childbearing comment. I thought it was extreme at the time and told them so, but obviously those statements come back to haunt me when it seems like everyone I meet is married already.
ReplyDeleteRe: the photo, I'd love for you all to know what I look like, I just want to remain anonymous and have to be careful about how I do it. Comments like that last one don't reassure me that posting my picture to that thread is a good idea...
another WTF at the age thing, that would make sense if you were 39.5, not 29.5
ReplyDeleteTaking a 6-month hiatus from dating doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends or dance with guys at a club or participate in the activities you like. You can and should do those things.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned that such time off would make you miserable. But that's the point. If it makes you miserable, that's all the more reason you need the time off, so you can learn to deal with it. Then once you've adjusted to it and realize it isn't so bad, you'll be in a better position to rejoin the dating game.
If you can't make that mental adjustment, your dating decisions will continue to be driven by the fear of being alone. Your mention of the 6-month hiatus turning into 10 years is an indicator of that excessive fear. It's only 6 months! That's not going to make you undateable forever. Plenty people take 6-12 months off after ending a relationship, or even 2-3 years after ending a marriage, and they're able to find a successful relationship or marriage after that.
I understand your points, Anonymous #6, and appreciate the comment. But I think once you've read the Rules it sort of becomes emotionally the same point. The whole point of the Rules is that it's better to be alone than to date a guy who doesn't treat you extremely well. Also, the Rules forces me to go much slower than is customary in the entry AND to break up with guys pretty quickly if they don't measure up. The Rules forces me to retrain my brain the way not dating would. It's completely un-indulgent. The Rules just structures my alone time.
ReplyDeletePlus, I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't think this is actually going to work and I think I will spend these 6 months effectively alone. I'm thinking of myself sort of as an undercover reporter right now more than as someone looking for a husband.