I had an uneventful weekend, though thought-provoking. Lots of stuff going down at work. Rules opportunities may be minimal for the time being, but as there seems to be some demand for "Rules application" stories in between book reviews, I will recount my Friday night, wherein I did attempt to be Rules-y, however irrelevant.
There are several types of Jewish young adult events - the secular, the practically secular except for capitalizing on some Jewish calendar event, and the religious. I'd say the vast majority of events are in the first two categories, where an application of the Rules is pretty straightforward. This past Friday evening I went to the third - a young adult Shabbat/holiday dinner and service. Here is a brief account of the absurdity.
There are several types of Jewish young adult events - the secular, the practically secular except for capitalizing on some Jewish calendar event, and the religious. I'd say the vast majority of events are in the first two categories, where an application of the Rules is pretty straightforward. This past Friday evening I went to the third - a young adult Shabbat/holiday dinner and service. Here is a brief account of the absurdity.
I walk in the room before the service starts. The lighting is reminiscent of a Walgreen's. I realize my knee-length dress ("Wear a short skirt (but not too short) if you have the legs for it") is the shortest one in the room. Oops. For some reason I didn't get from the invite that this was one of those modern Orthodox groups that tries to include people from more liberal branches, possibly in hopes of getting them to be more observant. I immediately cease feeling like a "movie star" who "just flew in from Paris on the Concorde."
They start the service, for which everyone stands and they have a divider between men and women. I am wearing heels. There is separated male-female dancing and singing and clapping. During the first dance, I stand on the female sidelines. During the second, someone grabs my hand and pulls me in. I am taller than everyone. I guess many movie stars are too, but that did not occur to me as I was attempting the Horah with scandalously exposed knees and stilettos.
That group doesn't have room at their table for me, so I end up sitting at a table that, well, let's just say there were no prospects for dating at this table, and few prospects for good conversation either. I accidentally break the Rules by cracking a joke when someone else suggests we introduce ourselves around the table. No one laughs. Uncomfortable silence. I realize that a big chunk of my hair has gotten caught in the button hole on the back of my dress and attempt to quietly yank it out.
I make it through dinner and a sermon. After dinner someone finally approaches me - a middle aged slightly overweight dude! Not to ask for my number though, but to ask for legal advice. From the sounds of it, that guy did not have a case. After two more somewhat stilted conversations I make my way home to bed, exhausted.
I think you need to learn 1 thing right up front. If a guy, or a collection of guys, doesn't show any interest in you, it isn't always because of something you did/how you look/what you are doing/etc. There can be a myriad of reasons.
ReplyDeleteHe is married, he is currently dating somebody, he just got out of a long term deal, he is stressed out about work, he is interested in somebody else in the room, he just hasn't noticed you, etc.
Of course there is always the "he just isn't into you" as well, and that one is probably the most common. But you have to take that one with a grain of salt. People have different tastes, so not every guy that you think is attractive is going to think the same thing about you. And not everybody who thinks you are attractive is going to be attractive to you. Don't take it personally, just move on.
Your goal should be to find somebody who is crazy about you, not somebody who you have to talk into liking you.
Yeah, I do understand this but it's helpful to have it articulated - also, I hope the entry came across as tongue-in-cheek as I meant it :)
ReplyDeleteIn this case, I did not take the lack of interest at this event personally. I'm not sure anyone was getting asked out at that event, actually. Writing this entry was more about momentum and what I felt was interesting about *thinking* the Rules in this particular environment.
tl;dr jewish guys = awkward fun!
ReplyDeleteMy really good friend is Jewish and pretty conservative (you know who this is RuleBreaker) and he tells me the level of social ineptitude at these events is out of the stratosphere. In fact he finds it very hard in general to socialize with a lot of these men because of how out of touch they are with social norms. It may be more religious than the one you went too and that may have something to do with it. But basically, in my opinion, I wouldn't use these types of socials as a good indicator of male interest.
ReplyDeleteYour blog brings up some interesting theoretical applications of The Rules, mainly what would happen if you had hooked up with an observent Jew at one of these events. Would you be willing to have all your dates in kosher restaurants? What about observing the Sabbath? Would you be willing to keep your phone off and not watch any TV on Saturdays? And if things got more serious, how far would you be willing to bend to accommodate his religious beliefs? Would you expect him to loosen up his observances to accommodate you?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: yeah, religion is a subject not dealt with at all in the Rules as far as I know.
ReplyDeleteFirst, most Orthodox guys are looking for a girl who is already Orthodox, so would probably be wary of people who are obviously not such as me.
Second, if an Orthodox guy and I happened to get along really great otherwise and were interested in each other, I would probably be willing to increase my observance level and would not expect him to decrease his. I have a hard time picturing that relationship working out because of my job and my family, but it is something I'd be much more willing to do than to be with someone who wanted to raise the kids Christian.
This came up in my last relationship where I wanted to be a tad more observant, go to services, do the Shabbat thing to some small extent, and the guy I was with at the time (mainly secular Jew) was repulsed by that notion. Because I myself would be willing to increase observance and would not suggest that the guy decrease observance, I had trouble understanding why the guy did not share this attitude for me and in fact, held the opposite view. Definitely a sticking point.
It seems relevant to mention here that while I was at this event Friday I felt that I might have miscalculated my desired observance level and perhaps shouldn't have made an issue of it with that guy - too secular being easier to deal with than too religious.
The guy probably didn't want to increase his observances because he finds them to be a complete waste of time and energy. Unlike you, who probably doesn't mind doing it and wishes that you had motivation to do it more.
ReplyDelete