I have a date this week!
Side note - I tend to be overly literary when writing entries like the previous one. A non-dramatic summary:
Last night I wore an electric blue wig to a party where I knew I would see my former boyfriend. I initiated a very brief conversation with him and the friend he was standing with, and then excused myself. I was proud of myself for how I handled it, but I felt a little sad the next day. And now I have recovered. I attempted to connect this all to the Rules and to the customs of Purim in a way that may seem creepily religious.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
As if
You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe...You're an optimist. You brush away a tear so it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if! --Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other
On Purim you're supposed to get so drunk that you can't tell Mordechai from Haman. The obvious symbolism here is that Mordechai = good and Haman = evil. To a lawyer, this immediately conjures up first year criminal law. Unable to tell the difference between right and wrong means you can't be held responsible for the crime you committed. Of course, most states specifically don't allow you to use voluntary intoxication as the reason you were unable to tell the difference between good and evil. But you get the point.
At Friday night Shabbat dinner the rabbi explained that the concept behind this requirement is introspection, reflection, dialing down your brain until you get to a higher level of perspective. You drink to go beyond the rational part of your brain so that you begin to confuse the good with the evil forces in your life, in the hope that you will come closer to sorting it out. I am perhaps adding my own spin onto what the rabbi said because I really identified with this and I hadn't really heard it quite this way before.
The rabbi also explained that in terms of amount, you are meant to drink as much as it takes you to "fall asleep from drunkenness." I would assume this means something short of "black out in the parking lot," but you can never be sure.
Let us rewind for a moment. Almost exactly two months ago my 2.5 year relationship ended abruptly. I have not seen or communicated with him since. I know from the unfortunate technological advance of facebook RSVP lists that I've listed myself as a "maybe" on Jewish events that he's been to, and vice versa. But never did our paths actually cross before yesterday.
I received a facebook invitation for a Jewish organization's Purim party, one I have attended in past years. He was listed as going. I had pretty much decided not to go; there were multiple other parties/Megillah readings going on that night, so why pick this one where awkwardness was a certainty? Then at Shabbat dinner a few of my new friends asked me to go. They also told me the theme of the party -- one that would allow me to buy and wear this neon-colored wig I have wanted an excuse to own for a really long time.
The desire to put off this unpleasantness was gradually outweighed by the thought of wearing a blue wig when I saw him for the first time. Per the rabbi, we wear masks on Purim not to hide ourselves, but to reveal our inner selves, at least to ourselves. A bright funky wig is not quite a mask, but looking drastically different from myself on this night seemed fitting. I'd be effectively in disguise, my most noticeable feature hidden, unrecognizable from a distance.
So I went. In a minidress and an electric blue bob.
Party #1: +2 alcoholic beverages
My M.O. at this party: approach people I already knew and talk to them, acting like I was a social butterfly having a great time. For the most part, this was genuine, I was having fun even though I had a constant pit in my stomach as soon as I happened to see him walk in (no eye contact, and I looked immediately away). My blue wig made me feel on stage through my queasiness, and made it much easier to "act as if."
I realize that being so overtly outgoing is somewhat in conflict with The Rules, but I concentrated my efforts on women and did not approach or begin conversations with men I did not know (or knew only minimally). I did unabashedly initiate conversations with the guy friends I knew well, but to the extent this was bending the Rules I excused it because of the unique difficulties this night presented. I tried very hard to minimize the looking around, and During the Megillah reading I pretty much managed not to look around at all.
Immediately after the Megillah reading I had to leave the party to go to another party. He had not approached me, and I was pretty sure the Rules would disapprove of me approaching him. The Rules are not entirely clear on this point, because if I'm not interested in reconciliation technically I wouldn't have to Rules him anyway; if I am interested in reconciliation the Rules allow for one light and breezy phone call when you know he's not going to answer his phone.
Calling when he's not in is crucial; you don't want to make him uncomfortable if he doesn't want to hear from you or is involved with someone else or even married. Leaving a message also allows him to call you if and when he wants to, which is the best start for any conversation between you. Your message gives him time to think and the option of not calling, which you must give him.
How this is possible in the age of cell phones I'm not sure. Leave a message at his work number on a Sunday? That seems bizarre.
In any case, this is mostly dicta because I am not in a position where I want him back. I admit I have my moments of wistfulness, but if he suddenly wanted to start over I can't say right now that I would be up for that. I have never seriously considered attempting the "one call for closure."
However, in leaving the party I recalled this rule and had my reasons for wanting to apply it by analogy in order to permit myself to initiate a conversation with him. Mainly, it was the feeling that if I left a party where we were both unequivocally aware of each other's presence without having interacted with him, it would cement a status quo of awkwardness and avoidance. As horrible as it feels to be at single events with him or even to imagine that scenario, I do not want that result.
After getting my coat, I strode back into the party room and looked demurely around the room for him. I spotted him quickly, with his friend (whom I run into much more often). I walked over, smiled, and looked at each of them in turn. I said "hi," directed at them both. In my brain, the next sentence was "okay, let's cut this bullshit. We need to be able to interact with each other." But the Rules restrained me from breaking character.
"How are you?" he said, with some undecipherable but meaningful expression in his eyes. Seeing him look at me that way and speaking to him like an acquaintance pained me, but my smile remained steadfast. "Good!" I said breezily. Looking again at the friend and addressing them both, I said "Well, I have to go to another party, but I didn't know if you guys would still be here when I got back, so I wanted to say hi."
The friend asked me where the party was, I told him, he said that was far, I said yes. Then I said to both of them, "it was good to see you guys," and left acting "as if" I was perfectly content with myself and the world and his presence in it.
Party #2: +1 alcoholic beverage
Driving to my next stop that evening, I felt a major adrenaline rush. I was high on courage. I was drunk on my own strength contrasted with what I perceived as affirmation of his weakness. I went to party #2 and reveled in my friends' positive reaction to my outfit.
As the night wore on, the initial euphoria wore off and I began to miss him. I wished that seeing me would trigger in him a desire to contact me, to talk to me, to be with me. I ached thinking of the sudden and total loss that had befallen us two months before, feeling like it was yesterday.
Party #3: +2 alcoholic beverages
Even then I forged on acting "as if." Instead of going home and crumbling, I tried to go back to the first party. It had already ended, so I bugged a few friends to go to my favorite dance club with me. My heart wasn't exactly in it, but I kept on going. In my thoughts, painful memories and inclinations towards regret intertwined with a profound appreciation for the friends who came out with me, the friend I voicemail-spammed in between the two parties, my family.
At 107 pounds, I'm not quite sure how I put away 5 drinks on Purim and didn't get what I would call drunk. "Boy, you can hold your liquor," my friend said at 3:10 AM when I drove him home. Yet I did feel a heaviness in my head as I entered my apartment. I quickly drifted off upon laying down, perhaps achieving the "drink until you sleep" mitzvah.
I dreamed about the party: he and I were standing back to back, each talking to other people. We occasionally touched by accident, and he turned around and spoke my home address as if he wanted to go there. I asked him why. He responded in a way that confirmed that he did not want to get back together.
The day after: +0 alcoholic beverages
I woke up too early, mildly traumatized by the dream. I mentally rejected the great life I have been building for these past two months, and instead submerged myself in wrenching disbelief that the upshot of all my blue-wigged fearlessness the night before amounted to a mere two-minute cameo. I missed him. I missed our relationship with all its problems. I sent my inconveniently abroad best friend a novella of an e-mail. Then, I put on a sweater dress, makeup, and a smile, and went to brunch with my best girlfriends, once again laughing, recounting stories, and acting "as if."
In the afternoon I went to visit a friend and her baby. At the end of a very pleasant conversation, she asked me how I was doing with the breakup, a question I would have answered "great" to a few days before. I was surprised at the tears that spilled out, but let them come. In that safe space, I purged myself of the weight bearing down on the shaky foundation propping up my bold, confident armor. Then, I stood up, hugged my friend, and went to meet some others to speak the foreign language I studied in college. I acted flawlessly "as if."
Weary at the end of my Purim day, my stirred-up emotions turned into questions. Did I unmask my true inner strength when I advanced, determined, towards being the bigger person? Or did my rekindled backward glances reveal an inability to overcome?
Am I furious and bitter at a Haman who hurt me or longing for a Mordechai who does not exist?
Draining as it was, acting "as if" each time faded into feeling "as if." Resolution of these inner conflicts does not occur overnight, but I daresay I am a rung higher on the ladder of self, where "as if" is unnecessary at the top.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Rulebreaker/Homewrecker
Today I found out that I broke up a relationship.
OK, perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit. I am hardly a threat to any relationship, as for some reason my guy-sensors instantly go dead as soon as I know someone is taken (possible exception: ex boyfriends, but that has only happened once). Also, I'm really very nice and cool to the wives and girlfriends of male coworkers, friends, etc. Rulebreaker is not at all the homewrecker type.
No, my blog indirectly led to one of my female readers determining that her boyfriend wasn't putting enough effort in, and she Nexted him.
This reminds me very much of Jennifer Aniston's character in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." That guy manned up in the end, I think. Only time will tell on this one.
OK, perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit. I am hardly a threat to any relationship, as for some reason my guy-sensors instantly go dead as soon as I know someone is taken (possible exception: ex boyfriends, but that has only happened once). Also, I'm really very nice and cool to the wives and girlfriends of male coworkers, friends, etc. Rulebreaker is not at all the homewrecker type.
No, my blog indirectly led to one of my female readers determining that her boyfriend wasn't putting enough effort in, and she Nexted him.
This reminds me very much of Jennifer Aniston's character in the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." That guy manned up in the end, I think. Only time will tell on this one.
Rocking the unpretty
Last night I went to a non-Jewish singles event at a trendy local bar in the yuppie area of town. As I've noted ad nauseum, I only date Jewish guys. This was thus, at best, practice. It's a worthwhile exercise for me because in principle I do not feel like I have anything to lose. This should make it a bit easier to practice the whole "Creature Unlike Any Other" bit, confidence and acting comfortable and all that.
I will note that PMS sometimes turns me into a different kind of "Creature Unlike Any Other." Which likely contributed to the valiant effort it required for me to act like I was having a good time last night. But I digress.
I was invited to this event by a new girlfriend of mine who I really like a lot. Although she has a very different look from me, it did not occur to me to think of her as obviously more attractive than me until she kept getting approached and I did not, once. This phenomenon was overt to the point that one of the guys that had been talking to her until another took over leaned over and said to me "your friend is really popular." If I did not feel like the loser ugly friend before this moment, I certainly did upon hearing that. I reacted well; I simply smiled, laughed a little, and my friend and I moved on a few minutes later.
(Isn't there a term for when the wing man has to pick up the ugly friend so that the other dude gets the pretty girl? Taking a bullet? The Rules prevents me from being that bullet.)
The bar had mirrors all over the place. After I became aware of my position on the short end of the desirability spectrum, I would discreetly glance at myself from time to time to make sure I did not look like ass. Each time I would be satisfied with my appearance, a momentary comfort that quickly gave way to the frightening thought that perhaps I am irreparably unattractive.
Maybe I should get that nose job after all?
Notwithstanding the repeated manifestations of my fears, I left feeling accomplished, having demonstrated my newfound ability to maintain Rules principles for an the entire evening. I smiled at the universe the whole night. I did not attempt to mollify my insecurity by initiating sparkling conversation with anyone. When standing in a circle of people interested in girls other than me, I simply stood with a pleasant expression, sipped my drink, and smiled. When someone did ask me a question, I answered politely, and only occasionally asked return questions. After ten or so minutes of conversation/standing there, I asked my friend if she felt like moving on, and she always said yes so we moved on. This all felt natural. By the end of the evening I had almost achieved the "pretend you're a movie star and if some hunk doesn't grab you, it's his loss" mentality.
My friend and I were both in agreement that the caliber of guys there wasn't that great anyway. And I really do enjoy hanging out with her and hopefully becoming good friends with her, so the evening was a success in my book. I may still exude that I don't like that scene because, well, I don't. But I am noticing an improvement.
Another highlight: I ran into a Rules Girl I've only met a couple of times who I think reads my blog or at least knows about it. I'm not sure she even knew it was me, but this made feel as if we were Rules-y secret agents all the same.
I will note that PMS sometimes turns me into a different kind of "Creature Unlike Any Other." Which likely contributed to the valiant effort it required for me to act like I was having a good time last night. But I digress.
I was invited to this event by a new girlfriend of mine who I really like a lot. Although she has a very different look from me, it did not occur to me to think of her as obviously more attractive than me until she kept getting approached and I did not, once. This phenomenon was overt to the point that one of the guys that had been talking to her until another took over leaned over and said to me "your friend is really popular." If I did not feel like the loser ugly friend before this moment, I certainly did upon hearing that. I reacted well; I simply smiled, laughed a little, and my friend and I moved on a few minutes later.
(Isn't there a term for when the wing man has to pick up the ugly friend so that the other dude gets the pretty girl? Taking a bullet? The Rules prevents me from being that bullet.)
The bar had mirrors all over the place. After I became aware of my position on the short end of the desirability spectrum, I would discreetly glance at myself from time to time to make sure I did not look like ass. Each time I would be satisfied with my appearance, a momentary comfort that quickly gave way to the frightening thought that perhaps I am irreparably unattractive.
You can buy your hair if it won't grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up
That M.A.C. can make
But if you can't look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel
So damn unpretty
Maybe I should get that nose job after all?
Notwithstanding the repeated manifestations of my fears, I left feeling accomplished, having demonstrated my newfound ability to maintain Rules principles for an the entire evening. I smiled at the universe the whole night. I did not attempt to mollify my insecurity by initiating sparkling conversation with anyone. When standing in a circle of people interested in girls other than me, I simply stood with a pleasant expression, sipped my drink, and smiled. When someone did ask me a question, I answered politely, and only occasionally asked return questions. After ten or so minutes of conversation/standing there, I asked my friend if she felt like moving on, and she always said yes so we moved on. This all felt natural. By the end of the evening I had almost achieved the "pretend you're a movie star and if some hunk doesn't grab you, it's his loss" mentality.
My friend and I were both in agreement that the caliber of guys there wasn't that great anyway. And I really do enjoy hanging out with her and hopefully becoming good friends with her, so the evening was a success in my book. I may still exude that I don't like that scene because, well, I don't. But I am noticing an improvement.
Another highlight: I ran into a Rules Girl I've only met a couple of times who I think reads my blog or at least knows about it. I'm not sure she even knew it was me, but this made feel as if we were Rules-y secret agents all the same.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Insidious SMS
Text messaging is not addressed in The Rules for Online Dating, but there is a bit of guidance out there on the subject. The one time I received a text from a dating prospect during this experiment, I did not respond per this article:
Whereas the Rules permit a return e-mail after 24 hours, they forbid replying to texts at all until a Legit Date is on the radar. This seems extreme. Since the article's publication date in August of 2008, texting has become much much more common, and it's not as easy just not to respond. In 2008 I seem to think it was a realistic possibility that someone might not have signed up for texting on their cell phone plan; today, not so much. It's also generational; Fein & Schneider are from a generation that just doesn't use texts as much. I am from a generation that uses them all the frigging time. I myself prefer texts to phone calls for logistical matters.
That said, I think that absent special circumstances, the no-texting rule is spot on. By texting you indicate constant availability. I have single girlfriends who are avid texters, and the relationships that develop as a result always seem to be disappointing - often casual and dead-end.
Plus, the texting rule doesn't lend itself to the 24-hour rule the way e-mailing does. If you have your phone with you all the time as almost everybody does, you saw his text message before 24 hours were up. Given that text messages are so quick, there's no real reason to wait to respond other than game-playing, including being too busy, an excuse that might work for the first text, but will likely become transparent rather quickly. This is a bit of a fiction, given that many people get e-mails the way they get texts nowadays and the type of e-mails you're allowed to send are also extremely quick. For now though, it is a fiction that people are willing to put up with.
While setting up a date over e-mail has become accepted (as acknowledged in the Online Dating Rules, Rule #14: Don't Force the Relationship from E-mail to Phone), setting up a date over the instantaneous and low-commitment text still seems lazy, crude, and just wrong. This video seemed apropos even though it's a different kind of relationship maneuver.
In early 2009, one guy wrote an article aimed at female SMS victims:
Dating coach Evan Mark Katz similarly writes:
This guy's approach is a little more flexible, suggesting that you might even go so far as to tell him that texting isn't a good way to reach you or that you prefer phone.
The flip side is the advice guys are getting on texting.
I think the Rules would approve of Askmen.com's take, but would not permit the girl to respond to the post-first-date text unless perhaps it had a direct question in it. If it had a direct question, The Rules might permit a response after the date.
As mentioned above, I only have one piece of anecdotal evidence so far, and it's mixed. I did not respond to a post-meeting text that was similar to Askmen.com's recommended post-first date text. The guy did not call. Some have suggested that by not responding to the text I indicated a lack of interest and discouraged him from calling. The Rules responds that if so, the guy is weak and deserves to be nexted.
Aside: in trying to google for this article, I found my blog.
The only way to make a guy take things to the next level is to keep some things sacred. With texting that's impossible. Until he asks you out for a Saturday night date, do not reply to his texts.
Whereas the Rules permit a return e-mail after 24 hours, they forbid replying to texts at all until a Legit Date is on the radar. This seems extreme. Since the article's publication date in August of 2008, texting has become much much more common, and it's not as easy just not to respond. In 2008 I seem to think it was a realistic possibility that someone might not have signed up for texting on their cell phone plan; today, not so much. It's also generational; Fein & Schneider are from a generation that just doesn't use texts as much. I am from a generation that uses them all the frigging time. I myself prefer texts to phone calls for logistical matters.
That said, I think that absent special circumstances, the no-texting rule is spot on. By texting you indicate constant availability. I have single girlfriends who are avid texters, and the relationships that develop as a result always seem to be disappointing - often casual and dead-end.
Plus, the texting rule doesn't lend itself to the 24-hour rule the way e-mailing does. If you have your phone with you all the time as almost everybody does, you saw his text message before 24 hours were up. Given that text messages are so quick, there's no real reason to wait to respond other than game-playing, including being too busy, an excuse that might work for the first text, but will likely become transparent rather quickly. This is a bit of a fiction, given that many people get e-mails the way they get texts nowadays and the type of e-mails you're allowed to send are also extremely quick. For now though, it is a fiction that people are willing to put up with.
While setting up a date over e-mail has become accepted (as acknowledged in the Online Dating Rules, Rule #14: Don't Force the Relationship from E-mail to Phone), setting up a date over the instantaneous and low-commitment text still seems lazy, crude, and just wrong. This video seemed apropos even though it's a different kind of relationship maneuver.
In early 2009, one guy wrote an article aimed at female SMS victims:
[A]long comes text messaging, beep beeping like a beacon of light towards the shallow world of manhood, offering the perfect weapon against verbal interaction. We can make you feel desired whilst having a beer with our mates at the pub. We have time to deliver the perfect funny line. It enables us to absorb your probing questions and reply with confidence. Even end the conversation with a suggestive rendezvous, without committing to a date, and still come out looking good...The author proceeds to recommend a protocol for taking the relationship off text. You start by ignoring a guy who midnight texts you for three days, then send a short reply saying you've been busy. When the guy responds, you can respond and suggest he call - the Rules would not approve. Then the author includes this excessively metaphorical gem:
So what’s the answer if you really like the guy? Stop making it easy for him to keep you at arms length. He’s riding Message Street and there’s no sign of traffic. If you want him, you have to turn the tables. It’s time to get out of the frozen party pies, and into the pepperoni. It means taking text to the trenches. Where the hunter becomes the hunted and one false move can be fatal.
When he calls, be friendly but not over-enthusiastic. If he asks to meet you within the next 3 days, stick him on a plate, Glad Wrap him, and plonk him behind your box of choccy’s and half finished bottle of bubbly. If he suggests next week, pull him off the hook, tell him to kiss your proverbial goodbye, and throw him back in the sea.Putting aside the groan-worthy style, this passage is intriguing. This is (I think) a guy essentially advising girls when the guy is a schmuck, but in a way that is the exact opposite of The Rules. The Rules suggests that asking for next week = booking time with you in advance = good. This dude seems to think asking for next week = lack of interest = bad? It's not really clear. Plus, I honestly have no idea what is meant by "kiss your proverbial goodbye" or "Glad Wrap him." However, it is a guy, wouldn't he know better than a couple of middle aged women what indicates interest and not?
Dating coach Evan Mark Katz similarly writes:
And as long as you let them do it, they will continue to do it. Because texting is only enabled by the person who writes back to the text. If you don’t respond to texts, guess what? You’re letting him know that it’s a poor way to reach you.
...
[T]he truth is, Rikki, you don’t need men who won’t call you. It’s a self-selecting process. If he’s a good man who is genuinely interested in you, he will make the kind of effort that reveals this. If five minutes on the phone is too much work for him, it speaks for itself.
This guy's approach is a little more flexible, suggesting that you might even go so far as to tell him that texting isn't a good way to reach you or that you prefer phone.
The flip side is the advice guys are getting on texting.
The best usage of the post-first-date text is its perceived innocence. Acceptable messages would be: “Hey, I had a great night with you. I can’t wait to do it again,” or, “Just heard someone laugh exactly like that woman we sat next to the other night, except this time she was 60 and had a German accent.” Little tidbits are reminders that you haven’t lost sight of the time you spent together, but avoid formalities that should be settled in person.
Under no circumstances should a man plan his second date with a woman through text. Things like, “Hey, can I pick you up at eight o'clock on Tuesday for a follow-up?” can be detrimental to an early couple’s dynamic. Leave second date plans, or any follow-up plans for that matter, for the traditional phone conversations we all know and love though increasingly try to avoid.
I think the Rules would approve of Askmen.com's take, but would not permit the girl to respond to the post-first-date text unless perhaps it had a direct question in it. If it had a direct question, The Rules might permit a response after the date.
As mentioned above, I only have one piece of anecdotal evidence so far, and it's mixed. I did not respond to a post-meeting text that was similar to Askmen.com's recommended post-first date text. The guy did not call. Some have suggested that by not responding to the text I indicated a lack of interest and discouraged him from calling. The Rules responds that if so, the guy is weak and deserves to be nexted.
Aside: in trying to google for this article, I found my blog.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It's hard not to look
Even the Rules acknowledge that you might happen to notice someone at a party whom you would like to approach you - you're just not allowed to do things to make that happen, including eye contact.
But it's hard not to look, if only to convince myself that there are people who are Jewish and unmarried and over 30 and decent-looking and don't look to be complete tools. (If I'm at a non-Jewish event, I will pretty much be pleased with "don't look to be complete tools.") Tonight, for example, the guy I had my eye on was talking to another guy so intently and for so long I started to wonder if he was gay.
Not looking is the one thing I continue to fail miserably at, whether it be facebook profile-stalking, facebook RSVP stalking, or looking at guys at parties. However, I think I will get better at it in time. Even now, about a month in, Rules behaviors are starting to become more natural little by little. I'm more comfortable sitting with silence if the guy isn't initiating conversation. I'm finding it more conceivable to strike the balance of wit and femininity when I respond. Sometimes I even feel as if I'm achieving a slight aura of mystery.
This is so even where my damn friend ruins it by telling a horrifically embarrassing story in front of a table full of people that paints me in a very negative, psycho-bitch light. Surely I am being tested on accepting the things I can't control.
Even where I am disappointed by my failure to magnetically attract anyone or by an event's sheer inherent hopelessness (e.g. dinner mingler where you are assigned tables for each course. Table 1: 1/6 men. Table 2: 0/6. Table 3: 1/5), I almost always feel like I have gained something. Each Jewish event I go to is easier because of the people I met at the last one. People are starting to recognize me. The prohibition on approaching men leads me to approach and cultivate conversations with women.
I was going to say I wish I had more interesting stories to tell, but I'm not sure I do. I'm doing my own thing right now. I still have my moments of unpleasant thoughts, but they are decreasing inversely with my newfound ability to be content without imminent love prospects. When I want to contact some guy, I just tell myself I can do it in August if I still want to. In all likelihood, I won't.
But it's hard not to look, if only to convince myself that there are people who are Jewish and unmarried and over 30 and decent-looking and don't look to be complete tools. (If I'm at a non-Jewish event, I will pretty much be pleased with "don't look to be complete tools.") Tonight, for example, the guy I had my eye on was talking to another guy so intently and for so long I started to wonder if he was gay.
Not looking is the one thing I continue to fail miserably at, whether it be facebook profile-stalking, facebook RSVP stalking, or looking at guys at parties. However, I think I will get better at it in time. Even now, about a month in, Rules behaviors are starting to become more natural little by little. I'm more comfortable sitting with silence if the guy isn't initiating conversation. I'm finding it more conceivable to strike the balance of wit and femininity when I respond. Sometimes I even feel as if I'm achieving a slight aura of mystery.
This is so even where my damn friend ruins it by telling a horrifically embarrassing story in front of a table full of people that paints me in a very negative, psycho-bitch light. Surely I am being tested on accepting the things I can't control.
Even where I am disappointed by my failure to magnetically attract anyone or by an event's sheer inherent hopelessness (e.g. dinner mingler where you are assigned tables for each course. Table 1: 1/6 men. Table 2: 0/6. Table 3: 1/5), I almost always feel like I have gained something. Each Jewish event I go to is easier because of the people I met at the last one. People are starting to recognize me. The prohibition on approaching men leads me to approach and cultivate conversations with women.
I was going to say I wish I had more interesting stories to tell, but I'm not sure I do. I'm doing my own thing right now. I still have my moments of unpleasant thoughts, but they are decreasing inversely with my newfound ability to be content without imminent love prospects. When I want to contact some guy, I just tell myself I can do it in August if I still want to. In all likelihood, I won't.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Rules and rejection
In the single/dating world, rejection is inevitable. This truth, along with the truth that guys can say a lot of effusive shit they don't mean, is something I never had occasion to learn in the past because of how most of my previous relationships developed. Now I'm getting to experience that bitter pill right and left, and man, it kind of sucks.
But really, not as bad as it could suck, by a long shot. Even when you account for the enhanced embarrassment that occurs when you've blogged about a prospect and then he doesn't call you.
I have mentioned indirectly the self-preservation role that The Rules play. For example, following the Rules has the following benefits that are helpful when dealing with rejection:
By all accounts I should have been a confident and independent enough woman not to need such contrived tools to become engrossed in my own pursuits. The fact is that I have always lived a full, well-rounded life, but I have never really focused on it on the merits due to feelings of emptiness whenever I don't have a man.
Yes, I wish that I had always been secure enough not to need The Rules. But such is not the state of the world. So I'm happy for the protection they afford me as I navigate the perilous single life for the first time, facing multiple rounds of rejection at every turn.
("At every turn" is currently kind of an exaggeration, I'm just 0 for 3 on getting a real legit date.)
PS, if you're out there, please comment - I'm planning to post some of my rejection stories but it's even harder to put that out there when no one's reading it :)
But really, not as bad as it could suck, by a long shot. Even when you account for the enhanced embarrassment that occurs when you've blogged about a prospect and then he doesn't call you.
I have mentioned indirectly the self-preservation role that The Rules play. For example, following the Rules has the following benefits that are helpful when dealing with rejection:
- Decreases anxiety by taking decisions out of your hands.
- Encourages acceptance of things you cannot control.
- Prevents you from doing something you could really regret, like sex on the first date or random hookups.
By all accounts I should have been a confident and independent enough woman not to need such contrived tools to become engrossed in my own pursuits. The fact is that I have always lived a full, well-rounded life, but I have never really focused on it on the merits due to feelings of emptiness whenever I don't have a man.
Yes, I wish that I had always been secure enough not to need The Rules. But such is not the state of the world. So I'm happy for the protection they afford me as I navigate the perilous single life for the first time, facing multiple rounds of rejection at every turn.
("At every turn" is currently kind of an exaggeration, I'm just 0 for 3 on getting a real legit date.)
PS, if you're out there, please comment - I'm planning to post some of my rejection stories but it's even harder to put that out there when no one's reading it :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Status Update
1. I Nexted a dodgeball guy who randomly looked me up and e-mailed me on the fourth e-mail. He still flirts with me at dodgeball. Not really expecting anything more there.
The third e-harmony communication step is to select 3 open-ended questions to ask the person. I picked three "light and breezy" ones to ask him, and he picked some real cheap shots like "What have you learned from past relationships?" I attempted to be light and breezy in response, but I did say something arguably off-putting in my last communication. Would not be surprised if he doesn't write back, and highly unlikely I'm going to pay for eharmony right now.
3. I met a guy at a Jew party. He started talking to me first but it wasn't a straight on "approach" as we were both in the same conversation with mutual friends. I was unfortunately not particularly Rules-y with him. For example, I broke the hell out of Rule #1:
I'm never going to be the type of mysterious they're going for here. It's just not me. However, I think there's a different kind of mysterious that I can achieve - a sharp, quick-witted version that can also be intriguing. I tried to be this version of myself, generally succeeding. He certainly seemed intrigued. And I didn't offer up my life story, I waited for him to ask questions and I answered, and didn't ask too many questions of him. There was a lot of banter, which I don't think is strictly Rules-y. Then again, I think the Rules authors probably suck at banter. Sorry, coy banter is the best I can do at mysterious, at least for now. I didn't bare my soul or talk about anything remotely personal.
Also, I'm never going to say "I think I'll walk around now," who does that? I did excuse myself to go to the restroom once, and stopped to talk to other people a few times. I did not do this enough, as I talked to him for stretches lasting longer than a few minutes. When I did step away, we would always find each other pretty quickly and start talking again. I never approached him but it also just seemed like we naturally found our way back to each other when we got separated. He made it clear early on that he wanted to ask me out, so it seemed ok that he didn't ask for my phone number until later in the evening, despite the Rules's indication that you should try to make like you're leaving so he will ask you for it, afraid he won't see you again.
During these conversations our body language kept getting more intimate, and then ... he KISSED ME. I kissed him back because I liked him. It was about a 3-5 second kiss, which I do not consider "making out." In the spirit of Rule #14: No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date.
Ok, I get that we were not on a date, so The Rules would probably not approve of my casual kissing. Just pointing out that it was casual kissing, which The Rules allows early on. I KNOW, I KNOW. But what was I supposed to do? Pull away? I suppose I could have. Probably my mistake was earlier in the evening, I should have bailed after he got my phone number, or even earlier than that.
He had to leave before I wanted to leave (violation of spirit of Rule #6 and 11, always end phone calls/dates first?) so he asked me to walk him out. I did, and said something silly that unambiguously conveyed my interest. Argggh. He texted me right after he left, and said great to meet me, talk to me soon (I did not return it: Rule #5 and recent web guidelines from the authors that you should not text AT ALL), but have not heard from him since, three full days later.
Let me tell you, it is hard if not impossible to stop talking to a guy you're having a good time with and might actually be hitting it off with, when your alternative is to walk around a depressing room of mainly uninteresting individuals over and over again or go into the bathroom with the paper towel lady and a bunch of random sluts that do not appear to be guests at the party.
But despite my inadvertent Rulebreaking, Guy #3 said many things that indicated truly genuine interest in me. So we will see. Rules say there's no magic time frame for him to call and I can't show any kind of impatience.
If he does wait awhile to call, I am not permitted to be pissy.
2. I turned matching on on eharmony for their free communication weekend and am communicating with one guy (he "requested" communication first, of course). Applying The Rules to eharmony is damn near impossible, as the whole point of that service is to spill your entire personality out on the table before you even meet. The best I could do was be "light and breezy," and "less is more." (See Online Rule #3). I waited 24 hours to respond to the first and second communications, but did the relaxed 4 hour rule for the third communication (Plan B: Until You Can Do The Rules 100 Percent):
If, by his fourth e-mail, a man hasn't suggested meeting, don't e-mail him again. --Rules of Online Dating, Rule #1: If He Doesn't Ask You Out within Four E-mails, Delete/Next!
We understand that 24 hours can seem like forever when you are e-dating a new prospect, so wait at least four hours so you don't seem desperate.
The third e-harmony communication step is to select 3 open-ended questions to ask the person. I picked three "light and breezy" ones to ask him, and he picked some real cheap shots like "What have you learned from past relationships?" I attempted to be light and breezy in response, but I did say something arguably off-putting in my last communication. Would not be surprised if he doesn't write back, and highly unlikely I'm going to pay for eharmony right now.
3. I met a guy at a Jew party. He started talking to me first but it wasn't a straight on "approach" as we were both in the same conversation with mutual friends. I was unfortunately not particularly Rules-y with him. For example, I broke the hell out of Rule #1:
If a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions very nicely without saying too much. You're demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say, "I think I'll walk around now."
I'm never going to be the type of mysterious they're going for here. It's just not me. However, I think there's a different kind of mysterious that I can achieve - a sharp, quick-witted version that can also be intriguing. I tried to be this version of myself, generally succeeding. He certainly seemed intrigued. And I didn't offer up my life story, I waited for him to ask questions and I answered, and didn't ask too many questions of him. There was a lot of banter, which I don't think is strictly Rules-y. Then again, I think the Rules authors probably suck at banter. Sorry, coy banter is the best I can do at mysterious, at least for now. I didn't bare my soul or talk about anything remotely personal.
Also, I'm never going to say "I think I'll walk around now," who does that? I did excuse myself to go to the restroom once, and stopped to talk to other people a few times. I did not do this enough, as I talked to him for stretches lasting longer than a few minutes. When I did step away, we would always find each other pretty quickly and start talking again. I never approached him but it also just seemed like we naturally found our way back to each other when we got separated. He made it clear early on that he wanted to ask me out, so it seemed ok that he didn't ask for my phone number until later in the evening, despite the Rules's indication that you should try to make like you're leaving so he will ask you for it, afraid he won't see you again.
During these conversations our body language kept getting more intimate, and then ... he KISSED ME. I kissed him back because I liked him. It was about a 3-5 second kiss, which I do not consider "making out." In the spirit of Rule #14: No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date.
Let him kiss you on the first date, but nothing more. Keeping it to a kiss will force him not to think of you as just a physical object...So the less you do physically, the better.
Ok, I get that we were not on a date, so The Rules would probably not approve of my casual kissing. Just pointing out that it was casual kissing, which The Rules allows early on. I KNOW, I KNOW. But what was I supposed to do? Pull away? I suppose I could have. Probably my mistake was earlier in the evening, I should have bailed after he got my phone number, or even earlier than that.
He had to leave before I wanted to leave (violation of spirit of Rule #6 and 11, always end phone calls/dates first?) so he asked me to walk him out. I did, and said something silly that unambiguously conveyed my interest. Argggh. He texted me right after he left, and said great to meet me, talk to me soon (I did not return it: Rule #5 and recent web guidelines from the authors that you should not text AT ALL), but have not heard from him since, three full days later.
Let me tell you, it is hard if not impossible to stop talking to a guy you're having a good time with and might actually be hitting it off with, when your alternative is to walk around a depressing room of mainly uninteresting individuals over and over again or go into the bathroom with the paper towel lady and a bunch of random sluts that do not appear to be guests at the party.
But despite my inadvertent Rulebreaking, Guy #3 said many things that indicated truly genuine interest in me. So we will see. Rules say there's no magic time frame for him to call and I can't show any kind of impatience.
[D]on't be surprised if a man takes a week or two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of things going on, or he may be dating other women. He may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn't sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met you! Don't flip out! Just get busy (so you don't think about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space, wait for him to call. -Rule #5: Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.
If he does wait awhile to call, I am not permitted to be pissy.
And that's that, for now. I really like Guy #3 and I have to say it's somewhat of a relief to blog about it and make it seem less like real feelings and more like for fun. Back to my busy, breezy, happy life wherein I waste lots of time on the internet and am going to have to work lots this weekend to make up for it.
[Example Rules Girl] knew that if he liked her, he'd eventually call; if he didn't, it was his loss! Next! When [Example Rules-ed Man] finally called she was nice and friendly. She didn't demand to know why he didn't call sooner and want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are married now. --Rule #5
Rules is a four letter verb?
As I've been whoring my blog in various forums, I've noticed that girls often use the word "Rules" as a verb, as in "This guy I am Rules-ing" or "I Rules-ed my ex boyfriend when he tried to get back together with me." (Aside: it is also linguistically amusing to me that the singular form of the underlying noun "rule" actually is a verb, but "This guy I am ruling" is of course inappropriate)
The implication of the use of "Rules" as a transitive verb whose object is a guy is that women apply the Rules selectively in their lives. The Rules leave this question sort of open-ended.
But what about platonic friendships with men? The book implicitly suggests that you do not have to Rules your male friends. In other words, it has a chapter "Rules for Turning a Friend into a Boyfriend." (By extension, you weren't Rules-ing him before.)
It is easy enough to be "normal" with your old friends, but what about new male friends - single men you are still getting acquainted with but are not interested in?
Rule #25, Practice Practice Practice, suggests:
The use of "try" here indicates some flexibility, that is, that one does not technically break the Rules by not Rules-ing men one is not interested in like, apparently, your "doorman or butcher" (I have neither of these, for the record).
Or, hopefully, your dodgeball team. I no longer even make an effort not to start conversations with the guys on my dodgeball team - I'm probably the most socially apt of them all, so it just helps pass the time if I start talking first. They're my buddies and I'm comfortable with this, even though I think there could be some potential with one of them. The applicability of The Rules to individuals are less clear:
a) ex boyfriend's best friend
b) guy I tried to rebound hook up with who flat rejected me and may think I'm still interested
c) guy who just broke up with my friend but who is in my social circle
I confronted all of these situations recently, and did not Rules any of them. I said hey and hugged them, like friends do. I chatted with them openly. I approached them when I wasn't talking to others. I even (gasp) asked one of them to DANCE - a facial violation of Rule #2 if The Rules indeed apply in this context.
I think all of this remains above board. But what if I ignored The Rules altogether with respect to these men and made out with someone I wasn't interested in? It's a slippery slope - if you're not applying The Rules, you might be tempted to end up in that situation. It would certainly be violative of the spirit of The Rules, if not the letter. It is also part of how I ended up doing this blog; I was having this ridiculous urge to no strings attached make out with some dude just to do it, and was doing ridiculous things to further this end.
Conclusion: I will try harder to be Rules-y with all "new" men (except my dodgeball team, because that's just good clean fun), but will not apply The Rules strictly to them.
The implication of the use of "Rules" as a transitive verb whose object is a guy is that women apply the Rules selectively in their lives. The Rules leave this question sort of open-ended.
The Rules can be applied to other people so that you have good, healthy relationships, are well-liked, and not taken for granted. --Chapter 27, Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Coworkers, and Children
But what about platonic friendships with men? The book implicitly suggests that you do not have to Rules your male friends. In other words, it has a chapter "Rules for Turning a Friend into a Boyfriend." (By extension, you weren't Rules-ing him before.)
It is easy enough to be "normal" with your old friends, but what about new male friends - single men you are still getting acquainted with but are not interested in?
Rule #25, Practice Practice Practice, suggests:
Try The Rules on all men at all times. Don't even say hello first to your doorman or the butcher at the deli. Let them say hello to you first and then just smile. Don't ignore them or anyone else, just practice responding rather than starting any conversation.
The use of "try" here indicates some flexibility, that is, that one does not technically break the Rules by not Rules-ing men one is not interested in like, apparently, your "doorman or butcher" (I have neither of these, for the record).
Or, hopefully, your dodgeball team. I no longer even make an effort not to start conversations with the guys on my dodgeball team - I'm probably the most socially apt of them all, so it just helps pass the time if I start talking first. They're my buddies and I'm comfortable with this, even though I think there could be some potential with one of them. The applicability of The Rules to individuals are less clear:
a) ex boyfriend's best friend
b) guy I tried to rebound hook up with who flat rejected me and may think I'm still interested
c) guy who just broke up with my friend but who is in my social circle
I confronted all of these situations recently, and did not Rules any of them. I said hey and hugged them, like friends do. I chatted with them openly. I approached them when I wasn't talking to others. I even (gasp) asked one of them to DANCE - a facial violation of Rule #2 if The Rules indeed apply in this context.
I think all of this remains above board. But what if I ignored The Rules altogether with respect to these men and made out with someone I wasn't interested in? It's a slippery slope - if you're not applying The Rules, you might be tempted to end up in that situation. It would certainly be violative of the spirit of The Rules, if not the letter. It is also part of how I ended up doing this blog; I was having this ridiculous urge to no strings attached make out with some dude just to do it, and was doing ridiculous things to further this end.
Conclusion: I will try harder to be Rules-y with all "new" men (except my dodgeball team, because that's just good clean fun), but will not apply The Rules strictly to them.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Dodgeball Damsel
[W]e strongly suggest that you shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video, or go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet men who are jogging or walking their dogs).
--The Rules, Chapter IV
Your gestures are soft and feminine ... All your movements ... are fluid and sexy ... You're demure, a bit mysterious.
--Rule #1: Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"
I have to exercise? But I hate the gym, and it's winter and too cold for a wuss like me to exercise in the park. Rulebreaker responds: coed JCC dodgeball.
And here we truly see the Rules begin to unravel.
My father is a yell at the television kind of guy. I was brought up watching him fixate on the screen, unable to restrain himself from enthusiastic outbursts when our baseball heroes hit homeruns. He is similarly audible when the umpire makes a call against us, or the other team scores. Whether by nature or nurture, I am also a proactive spectator. "IT DIDN'T HIT HIM!" I yell when someone barely dodges a ball and the other team starts pointing fingers. "YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I cheer when we make a catch to get someone out. Now, there's no chapter on dodgeball (or any team sports, really), but I have a feeling Rules girls would handle things differently. They might clap politely and congratulate their teammates quietly. I am loud.
Nor would Rules girls probably play the actual game the way I do. The Rules thing to do is probably what most of the other girls do - they hang back by the wall and duck, never trying to throw a ball or run out into the crossfire unless they manage to stay in till the end and there are an abundance of balls rolling around. Not me. I suck at dodgeball, but I am in it, damnit. I run around, I play decoy, I play bodyguard for the best players on my team, I get the balls and go right up to the line and my weak arm hurls it with all my might at the nearest adversary.
Arguably my relationship with my dodgeball team is not a Rules-y one and I can be a little flexible with them. (Note: Will post separately on who in my life is subject to the Rules.) However, I act like this in front of all the other teams too. Dodgeball has the largest concentration of eligible Jewish men that I see on a regular basis and I am hopelessly unadulterated for most of the time they see me.
To be clear, I am not intentionally breaking Rules. Every time I pull into the JCC parking lot I tell myself I'm going to tone it down tonight. But within a minute or two after the first whistle blows, I am just having way too much fun to implement my plan.
Being a CUAO is largely about confidence. While dodgeball me --er, real me-- is a bit frenetic, she is nothing if not confident. She is also many other things that apply to a CUAO - happy, at ease, not anxious, not cynical, optimistic. So perhaps there is a tradeoff to be had here. I am not breaking the Rules about initiating conversations, staring (unless I need to peg someone), or acting interested. I wear makeup, contacts, and cute clothes. I also make efforts to be seen in my nice work clothes where possible.And do I really want someone that is turned off by my enthusiasm?
Who knows? Dodgeball is fun, people seem to like me, and I'm making lots of friends. But it hasn't gotten me any dates yet.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Me, Rules-mingling
I had two quasi-legit occasions to put myself out there this weekend, another synagogue Shabbat dinner and a superbowl party. These events caused me to learn a little more about my Rules fallibility when mingling as a single chick:
At the superbowl party I quickly zeroed in on a dark-haired guy in glasses. I stared at him whenever I thought he wasn't looking, and thought I caught him looking at me a couple of times. But aside from wayward glances, I followed the Rules - I moved around the party from room to room at natural intervals, and did not sit next to him or introduce myself to him.
At the end of the party, I was helping my friend clean up and dark-haired guy and his friend came up to us to say goodbye. I hadn't officially met either of them so the friend introduced himself. Then dark-haired guy did, with was one of those handshakes that was a little on the long side, and a smile and a gaze to match.
When he walked away, my friend whispered "is he Jewish?" and I girlishly replied "I don't know!" She bounces off and ASKS the guy if he's Jewish. He says no, and then asks why. My friend says "oh, I thought you were cute, and my friend over there is single but she only dates Jewish guys." Apparently his response was "Damn, should have said I was Jewish!"
Is it breaking the Rules for my friend to do that unsolicited? I think it would have been if I had told her to do it, but she did it of her own accord. In any case, this is sadly the closest thing I've had to success so far. I sort of protested to my friend that I would have dated him anyway and that she shouldn't have told him I only dated Jewish guys. She chided me for this response, and was probably right. What I probably wanted was not so much to date him, but to blog about dating him. But at this juncture, can I ethically do the Rules on non-Jews that I know there's only a .01% chance I'd actually marry? Especially if the probability of my marrying crazy sweater guy is less than that despite his membership in the tribe?
- I automatically scope and find the guy or guys I could be interested in as soon as I get to the party or event. I look for wedding rings, then female appendages. If I do not find either, the person in question gets added to the mental list and it is extremely difficult for me not to pay attention to where that guy is and what he's doing for the rest of the evening. That gets into Rule-breaking territory, because I'll be looking at him or subtly putting myself in his general vicinity.
- This generally applies even if the pickings are slim. In such cases I will find myself focusing on the pasty guy wearing the absurd sweater with buck teeth just because he's not quite as old and fat as the rest of the people in the room. Not because I want to go out with him, but because I am bored. (This particular large-toothed individual did not ask for my number, by the way, although he did approach a conversation I was already having with someone else and then left after three minutes.)
At the superbowl party I quickly zeroed in on a dark-haired guy in glasses. I stared at him whenever I thought he wasn't looking, and thought I caught him looking at me a couple of times. But aside from wayward glances, I followed the Rules - I moved around the party from room to room at natural intervals, and did not sit next to him or introduce myself to him.
At the end of the party, I was helping my friend clean up and dark-haired guy and his friend came up to us to say goodbye. I hadn't officially met either of them so the friend introduced himself. Then dark-haired guy did, with was one of those handshakes that was a little on the long side, and a smile and a gaze to match.
When he walked away, my friend whispered "is he Jewish?" and I girlishly replied "I don't know!" She bounces off and ASKS the guy if he's Jewish. He says no, and then asks why. My friend says "oh, I thought you were cute, and my friend over there is single but she only dates Jewish guys." Apparently his response was "Damn, should have said I was Jewish!"
Is it breaking the Rules for my friend to do that unsolicited? I think it would have been if I had told her to do it, but she did it of her own accord. In any case, this is sadly the closest thing I've had to success so far. I sort of protested to my friend that I would have dated him anyway and that she shouldn't have told him I only dated Jewish guys. She chided me for this response, and was probably right. What I probably wanted was not so much to date him, but to blog about dating him. But at this juncture, can I ethically do the Rules on non-Jews that I know there's only a .01% chance I'd actually marry? Especially if the probability of my marrying crazy sweater guy is less than that despite his membership in the tribe?
Friday, February 5, 2010
I may not get a date during this experiment and you will just have to deal with it
Some of you have commented that this blog is not interesting because I am not writing about dates. I would be writing about dates if I were going on them, but that part is largely outside my control. The Rules prohibit me from doing anything to get a date other than looking my best at all times and hoping somebody likes me.
Needless to say, this is not my usual M.O. I am in my comfort zone when I hone in on some guy and have him get to know my quirky, down-to-earth, irreverent, geeky, non-makeup-wearing and not particularly girly self, make my crush obvious to him, and then engineer situations where something might happen. Using this method, I have about a 75% success rate in making that guy my boyfriend in the end. For the guys who have pursued me unsolicited, they have for the most part pursued quirky, down-to-earth, irreverent, geeky, non-makeup-wearing me.
This experiment turns my dating philosophy on its head, and filters my personality substantially (though I admit I am having a lot of trouble actually implementing the latter part). While I am perfectly confident in my ability to get someone to want to be with me, it's usually closer to the whole ME that they actively want to be with, not just how I appear from across a room. In other words, I do not have confidence that I will attract men passively by smiling at the world and acting breezy in settings that I hate.
A word about my looks, since that is the obvious question that arises from the previous paragraph. I'm a "she's pretty if you like that type" girl. I consider myself above-average looking but do not immediately strike most people as gorgeous. I'm probably never going to be the prettiest girl in the room at these singles events. I do not generally hang out at bars or clubs, and when I do I am infrequently approached. I'm small chested so I can't use my cleavage to get guys to come up to me, and people can look at my long legs and great ass all night without saying a word to me. No - what makes me desirable to men is the combination of my attractiveness and other positive things about me. Sort of like a "hey, a decently good-looking girl who is also smart, funny, and interesting." The Rules do not give me an outlet to showcase the whole package, and therefore I honestly do not anticipate success in getting dates this way.
And I am okay with this. It's a little early to call the dating experiment a wash, but like I said from the get-go, I'm not going to consider this a failure even if not a single guy asks me out in the next six months.
Soooo, while I will mourn the potential loss of my beloved actuarial readership, I simply can't do anything else short of a boob job - which I am not getting any more than I am getting a nose job - to make guys ask me out. I'll try to post more anecdotal stuff to entertain, though, and feel free to keep telling me what's boring. It's helpful to me as a writer, if nothing else.
Needless to say, this is not my usual M.O. I am in my comfort zone when I hone in on some guy and have him get to know my quirky, down-to-earth, irreverent, geeky, non-makeup-wearing and not particularly girly self, make my crush obvious to him, and then engineer situations where something might happen. Using this method, I have about a 75% success rate in making that guy my boyfriend in the end. For the guys who have pursued me unsolicited, they have for the most part pursued quirky, down-to-earth, irreverent, geeky, non-makeup-wearing me.
This experiment turns my dating philosophy on its head, and filters my personality substantially (though I admit I am having a lot of trouble actually implementing the latter part). While I am perfectly confident in my ability to get someone to want to be with me, it's usually closer to the whole ME that they actively want to be with, not just how I appear from across a room. In other words, I do not have confidence that I will attract men passively by smiling at the world and acting breezy in settings that I hate.
A word about my looks, since that is the obvious question that arises from the previous paragraph. I'm a "she's pretty if you like that type" girl. I consider myself above-average looking but do not immediately strike most people as gorgeous. I'm probably never going to be the prettiest girl in the room at these singles events. I do not generally hang out at bars or clubs, and when I do I am infrequently approached. I'm small chested so I can't use my cleavage to get guys to come up to me, and people can look at my long legs and great ass all night without saying a word to me. No - what makes me desirable to men is the combination of my attractiveness and other positive things about me. Sort of like a "hey, a decently good-looking girl who is also smart, funny, and interesting." The Rules do not give me an outlet to showcase the whole package, and therefore I honestly do not anticipate success in getting dates this way.
And I am okay with this. It's a little early to call the dating experiment a wash, but like I said from the get-go, I'm not going to consider this a failure even if not a single guy asks me out in the next six months.
Soooo, while I will mourn the potential loss of my beloved actuarial readership, I simply can't do anything else short of a boob job - which I am not getting any more than I am getting a nose job - to make guys ask me out. I'll try to post more anecdotal stuff to entertain, though, and feel free to keep telling me what's boring. It's helpful to me as a writer, if nothing else.
Monday, February 1, 2010
A Rules approach to Facebook
As previously mentioned, the Rules do not cover Facebook, so I'm going to have to get creative using "The Rules for Online Dating," drawing analogies between Facebook and one's online dating profile. For your reference:
Facebook Rule 1: Don't Friend, Poke, or Facebook Message Men First
Facebook Rule 2: Less Is More When Using Facebook Generally
Facebook Rule 3: Post a Smiling, Sober Profile Photo
Facebook Rule 4: Wait 24 Hours to Respond to Friend Requests or Facebook Messages
Facebook Rule 5: Don't Use Facebook on Weekends or Holidays
Facebook Rule 6: Don't Post on His Wall Until You're Exclusive
Facebook Rule 7: Sign Out of Facebook Chat
Facebook Rule 8: Don't Update Status More Than Once a Week
Facebook Rule 9: Write Light and Breezy Notes, Posts, and Status Updates (if you use them at all)
Facebook Rule 10: Lock Albums and Tagged Photos
Facebook Rule 11: Keep an Eye On Your Wall
Extreme? Other thoughts?
I'm going to probably write more on some of these, especially what I mean by "less is more" as it pertains to profile, groups, stuff you're a fan of, posting on friends' walls, etc. In the spirit of the Rules I did a major cleanup to my facebook profile a week or so ago, have stayed away from chat, etc.
Note also that I got really interested in the whole facebook/Rules thing just before I started this blog because a guy who had asked for my number at an event had, instead of calling me (I gave him my card, something the Rules prohibits), added me as a facebook friend with no message. I was on the fence about whether to add him or not. After a day or so, I added him back with no message. It's now been a month and he hasn't called or interacted with me on facebook at all. Did he see something in my profile he didn't like? Who knows. Oh well, next!
Online Dating Rule 1: Don't Answer Men's Ads or E-mail Them First.
Online Dating Rule 3: Less Is More When Writing Your Ad
Online Dating Rule 4: Post A Smiling Photo
Online Dating Rule 5: Wait 24 Hours to Respond
Online Dating Rule 6: Don't Answer on Weekends or Holidays
Online Dating Rule 7: Write Light and Breezy E-mails
Online Dating Rule 8: Block Yourself from Instant Messages
Facebook Rule 1: Don't Friend, Poke, or Facebook Message Men First
Facebook Rule 2: Less Is More When Using Facebook Generally
Facebook Rule 3: Post a Smiling, Sober Profile Photo
Facebook Rule 4: Wait 24 Hours to Respond to Friend Requests or Facebook Messages
Facebook Rule 5: Don't Use Facebook on Weekends or Holidays
Facebook Rule 6: Don't Post on His Wall Until You're Exclusive
Facebook Rule 7: Sign Out of Facebook Chat
Facebook Rule 8: Don't Update Status More Than Once a Week
Facebook Rule 9: Write Light and Breezy Notes, Posts, and Status Updates (if you use them at all)
Facebook Rule 10: Lock Albums and Tagged Photos
Facebook Rule 11: Keep an Eye On Your Wall
Extreme? Other thoughts?
I'm going to probably write more on some of these, especially what I mean by "less is more" as it pertains to profile, groups, stuff you're a fan of, posting on friends' walls, etc. In the spirit of the Rules I did a major cleanup to my facebook profile a week or so ago, have stayed away from chat, etc.
Note also that I got really interested in the whole facebook/Rules thing just before I started this blog because a guy who had asked for my number at an event had, instead of calling me (I gave him my card, something the Rules prohibits), added me as a facebook friend with no message. I was on the fence about whether to add him or not. After a day or so, I added him back with no message. It's now been a month and he hasn't called or interacted with me on facebook at all. Did he see something in my profile he didn't like? Who knows. Oh well, next!
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