The Rules? Empowering.
Making out with random guys from jdate in my hotel room in NYC? Also empowering.
But can I be a Rules Girl and a bit of a Jdate whore?
I think so, if I only do this out of town and keep my uh, physical activities in NY completely compartmentalized from my dating in Atlanta. So far it appears that I can do this emotionally just fine. There is just something inherently unattached about meeting some guy, having a couple of drinks, talking about upstate New York and indie rock and Mitch Hedberg, and then making out. You don't live near each other and neither of you plans to move. For some reason, it is easy to turn off my "I want this guy to want to marry me" instinct in this circumstance, and the experience is just pleasant. Having never been single before, I have never gotten to do the utterly random hookup before. It is kind of frigging cool.
Where do texting guy encounters fit in in all this? I'll save that question for another day.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Living up to my name
I'm definitely coasting to the finish line of my six months of rules. I think the most egregious breakdown I had recently was a fairly innocent one - I "requested communication" with a guy on eharmony. I know better than that, but he was a cute, relatively young, divorced, Jewish guy with a sensitive and intelligent profile. I also contacted a few people on my Chemistry.com free trial by accident - I didn't realize clicking interested would notify them. I'm about to go on Jdate and solicit New York guys because I want to set something up for the next 2 weeks when I'm out of town.
Probably most interestingly, I had two more interactions with texting guy.
The first one, I was a nearly perfect Rules girl when I ran into him at an event. Though I did hint that I wanted a ride (come on, I was wearing uncomfortable heels). Then yesterday he booty-texted me. Not in so many words, and he denied it later, but I pretty much knew what the invitation entailed and accepted it anyway. Yes, via text. The thing is, a) I wanted fb guy not to be the last guy I kissed, and b) I know the deal with texting guy. I don't have romantic designs on him anymore. We just have great physical chemistry. I didn't do anything dangerous, don't worry.
I'm going back to NY on business this weekend. I usually have some solid alone time there, so stay tuned for the following episodes, all made possible by my having hit the online dating circuit again:
Probably most interestingly, I had two more interactions with texting guy.
The first one, I was a nearly perfect Rules girl when I ran into him at an event. Though I did hint that I wanted a ride (come on, I was wearing uncomfortable heels). Then yesterday he booty-texted me. Not in so many words, and he denied it later, but I pretty much knew what the invitation entailed and accepted it anyway. Yes, via text. The thing is, a) I wanted fb guy not to be the last guy I kissed, and b) I know the deal with texting guy. I don't have romantic designs on him anymore. We just have great physical chemistry. I didn't do anything dangerous, don't worry.
I'm going back to NY on business this weekend. I usually have some solid alone time there, so stay tuned for the following episodes, all made possible by my having hit the online dating circuit again:
- Rulebreaker reviews all the major dating sites, and how to apply the Rules to them
- Rulebreaker dates a man with a kid
- Rulebreaker dates a B-list celebrity
- Rulebreaker dates a doctor
- Rulebreaker tries to find a New York boyfriend to entertain her during business trips, including a friend setup
- Rulebreaker gets some serious street cred in softball
- At least four potential interests RSVP to Rulebreaker's 30th birthday party
Monday, June 14, 2010
What is up??
A girl from my a cappella group pointed out to me that my ex had posted youtube videos of the group two weeks ago. From a Christmas gig (shortly before we broke up - literally the previous weekend, I think).
This is the third non-contact contact. My reaction to each:
1. Smile, slightly triumphant
2. Roll my eyes at his rather pathetic inability to contact me, even though I mean, he must want to (no matter why it is he's been thinking about me lately).
3. Become slightly irritated that he is injecting himself into my finally exorcised brain.
4. Return to feeling triumphant.
I'm not sure if he wants closure, if he wants to know I'm not mad at him, if he wants to be friends...? At least one person has suggested he might want me back, but I seriously seriously doubt that. Not that his behavior is inconsistent with it, but he knows that we suck at communicating with each other and were miserable for like the last six months of our relationship. Even if he did want me back he'd never go for it, having begged for me to come back the first time we broke up just to have the same thing happen again 1.5 years later.
In the end it doesn't matter who is really at fault. It's over and I'm more or less the happiest I've ever been. The funny part is that I think if I had been even a B+ Rules Girl through that relationship, he'd have proposed a year ago. I'm not sure if that saddens or terrifies me. Perhaps even funnier, I have become a ton more like him in terms of my level of independence and attitude towards dating.
There were tons of incompatibilities pretty much throughout our time together. Just, tons. More than any boyfriend I've ever had, ever. I'd like to blame him for them - for his emotional immaturity, inability to set aside his family baggage and open up at all, brooding, consistent avoidance of conflict at all costs. I mean, I certainly own my part of it too - pressuring him, being insecure about everything, overanalyzing every action or inaction as a global symbol, forcing issues, being judgmental of his friends and family, overreacting when he did something irritating.
To quote my sister: Thank G-d that's over.
This is the third non-contact contact. My reaction to each:
1. Smile, slightly triumphant
2. Roll my eyes at his rather pathetic inability to contact me, even though I mean, he must want to (no matter why it is he's been thinking about me lately).
3. Become slightly irritated that he is injecting himself into my finally exorcised brain.
4. Return to feeling triumphant.
I'm not sure if he wants closure, if he wants to know I'm not mad at him, if he wants to be friends...? At least one person has suggested he might want me back, but I seriously seriously doubt that. Not that his behavior is inconsistent with it, but he knows that we suck at communicating with each other and were miserable for like the last six months of our relationship. Even if he did want me back he'd never go for it, having begged for me to come back the first time we broke up just to have the same thing happen again 1.5 years later.
In the end it doesn't matter who is really at fault. It's over and I'm more or less the happiest I've ever been. The funny part is that I think if I had been even a B+ Rules Girl through that relationship, he'd have proposed a year ago. I'm not sure if that saddens or terrifies me. Perhaps even funnier, I have become a ton more like him in terms of my level of independence and attitude towards dating.
There were tons of incompatibilities pretty much throughout our time together. Just, tons. More than any boyfriend I've ever had, ever. I'd like to blame him for them - for his emotional immaturity, inability to set aside his family baggage and open up at all, brooding, consistent avoidance of conflict at all costs. I mean, I certainly own my part of it too - pressuring him, being insecure about everything, overanalyzing every action or inaction as a global symbol, forcing issues, being judgmental of his friends and family, overreacting when he did something irritating.
To quote my sister: Thank G-d that's over.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
We "meet" again
Early on in our relationship, the Ex, who I met on Jdate, said he'd never go back on Jdate in our city. He said he had vowed that this was the last time, and then he met me when his subscription was about to expire.
The Ex viewed my Jdate profile last night.
It's nice to know he's single. And desperate given that he really didn't want to go back on there.
It's also somewhat amusing to know that he wants to make me aware of his existence without contacting me. He knows I will see that he viewed me. This is the second time he's done something like this, the first being in April when he nominated me for something that required me to put the name of my nominator on the application (I had to call the organization to find out who nominated me, which I'm sure they thought was strange). Aside from these non-contacts and my approaching him at a party for a 5-second conversation while wearing a blue wig, we have had no contact since the breakup on December 24. Digression: he did run into my sister on the train, and she pointedly ignored - almost snubbed him. My other friend almost ran him over with her car when he darted into the street. Typical.
Almost 6 months later, I feel like I sort of won at this breakup. I bought a house. I made myself a name in several organizations in the Jewish community (ironically, he nominated me to become more involved in one of the only Jewish organizations I'm not yet involved in). I've advanced in my career, though it's not exactly how I expected. I'm still single, but I have way more to gain personally from being single than he does, having been single most of his adult life except when he was with me.
I look back at when I was terrified to run into him, and it seems absurd. Now I'm almost looking forward to it - not because I wish him ill, but because I've come so far and want to stare my vanquished fear in the face.
Soundtrack: My Fair Lady, Without You; Lily Allen, Smile
The Ex viewed my Jdate profile last night.
It's nice to know he's single. And desperate given that he really didn't want to go back on there.
It's also somewhat amusing to know that he wants to make me aware of his existence without contacting me. He knows I will see that he viewed me. This is the second time he's done something like this, the first being in April when he nominated me for something that required me to put the name of my nominator on the application (I had to call the organization to find out who nominated me, which I'm sure they thought was strange). Aside from these non-contacts and my approaching him at a party for a 5-second conversation while wearing a blue wig, we have had no contact since the breakup on December 24. Digression: he did run into my sister on the train, and she pointedly ignored - almost snubbed him. My other friend almost ran him over with her car when he darted into the street. Typical.
Almost 6 months later, I feel like I sort of won at this breakup. I bought a house. I made myself a name in several organizations in the Jewish community (ironically, he nominated me to become more involved in one of the only Jewish organizations I'm not yet involved in). I've advanced in my career, though it's not exactly how I expected. I'm still single, but I have way more to gain personally from being single than he does, having been single most of his adult life except when he was with me.
I look back at when I was terrified to run into him, and it seems absurd. Now I'm almost looking forward to it - not because I wish him ill, but because I've come so far and want to stare my vanquished fear in the face.
Soundtrack: My Fair Lady, Without You; Lily Allen, Smile
Monday, June 7, 2010
Relief
Honestly, it is a huge relief to have fb guy out of my head. He never called me that often. He never expressed anything regarding how things were going until he called to tell me it was over. I'm now pretty sure he was never that into me. The Rules worked well to weed him out as a guy not that into me, even though I do believe he was a genuinely nice and good guy. It is wonderful not to have to think about him anymore.
But why did I put so much brainpower into him needlessly while it was going on? It was distracting and exhausting.
Pre-Rules me had few boundaries, emotional or physical. I fell fast and hard, immersing myself with abandon in my fantasies of him, drinking in as much communication and physical intimacy as I possibly could (short of sex until exclusivity was largely established). Rules me set up physical boundaries, stepping on the brakes as to literal contact. But, as I failed to realize until fb guy ended, my admirable adherence to my physical restrictions did not translate into emotional boundaries.
I have always been a strange mix of thought and emotion. Believe it or not (in fact, many of my close friends do not), my head rules my heart. It is my head, not my heart, that unbalances me every single time. This does not mean I am not emotionally sensitive - clearly, I am. But my most extreme emotional reactions occur as a result of my head's hostile invasion and ultimate conquest of my heart. On the rare occasions when I can figure out how to let go of my head and allow my heart to come to the surface, I can experience the kind of slow, healthy sadness that yields to calm acceptance.
As a child, I was a bit of an insomniac. Every little noise or thought kept me from falling asleep. Once I did, I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and feel completely out of control. One of my clearest mental images from my elementary school years is of me lying on my bed, moonlight glaring at me through the window, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and listening to late-night soft pop on the radio in futile attempt to distract myself from the crickets and house creaks and thoughts of house fires or my parents getting a divorce or my cat wandering off or infectious diseases, which stood between me and slumber. Eventually I would not be able to stand it anymore and would stride quietly down the hall to wake my mother up. Out of tiredness and frustration at her inability to provide me any relief, she would sometimes get angry and threaten to take me to a psychiatrist. I would cry in desperation. We would argue until the flying sparks exhausted me and I returned to my room to collapse on my bed, radio still playing.
(Footnote: I have a wonderful, amazing mother whose only flaw is taking the angst of her children personally.)
Even that young, my sleeping trick was to focus on a love interest. Imagining a boy taking care of me somehow took the edge off in a way that nothing else did. By middle school, I drifted off every night to thoughts of me and him - "him" being anyone from the boy I slow danced with to someone interesting from the playground.
My insomnia was gone by high school, coinciding in part with the beginning of my long string of monogamous relationships. Dreaming about a boy who demonstrated affection for me in real life felt even safer than the abstract fantasies of pre- and early adolescence. These conscious dreams, and these boys, began as sleeping pills and gradually bled into what seemed like every minute of every day. When I sensed one man's chapter ending, I sought out another as if on auto-pilot.
Even now, it is a rare night that I do not go to sleep thinking about some man or another. It is all I know how to do. Recognition of the havoc this wreaks on my mental state has been percolating slowly for some time. It has been particularly lucid post-fb guy; I have had three consecutive man-free nights since he cut me loose. Miraculously, I increasingly possess the ability to breathe deeply and be with myself through the night.
Maybe next time my boundaries can be emotional, too.
Soundtrack: Jem, Save Me; Regina Spektor, Fidelity; Destiny's Child, Emotions; KT Tunstall, Silent Sea
But why did I put so much brainpower into him needlessly while it was going on? It was distracting and exhausting.
Pre-Rules me had few boundaries, emotional or physical. I fell fast and hard, immersing myself with abandon in my fantasies of him, drinking in as much communication and physical intimacy as I possibly could (short of sex until exclusivity was largely established). Rules me set up physical boundaries, stepping on the brakes as to literal contact. But, as I failed to realize until fb guy ended, my admirable adherence to my physical restrictions did not translate into emotional boundaries.
I have always been a strange mix of thought and emotion. Believe it or not (in fact, many of my close friends do not), my head rules my heart. It is my head, not my heart, that unbalances me every single time. This does not mean I am not emotionally sensitive - clearly, I am. But my most extreme emotional reactions occur as a result of my head's hostile invasion and ultimate conquest of my heart. On the rare occasions when I can figure out how to let go of my head and allow my heart to come to the surface, I can experience the kind of slow, healthy sadness that yields to calm acceptance.
As a child, I was a bit of an insomniac. Every little noise or thought kept me from falling asleep. Once I did, I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and feel completely out of control. One of my clearest mental images from my elementary school years is of me lying on my bed, moonlight glaring at me through the window, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and listening to late-night soft pop on the radio in futile attempt to distract myself from the crickets and house creaks and thoughts of house fires or my parents getting a divorce or my cat wandering off or infectious diseases, which stood between me and slumber. Eventually I would not be able to stand it anymore and would stride quietly down the hall to wake my mother up. Out of tiredness and frustration at her inability to provide me any relief, she would sometimes get angry and threaten to take me to a psychiatrist. I would cry in desperation. We would argue until the flying sparks exhausted me and I returned to my room to collapse on my bed, radio still playing.
(Footnote: I have a wonderful, amazing mother whose only flaw is taking the angst of her children personally.)
Even that young, my sleeping trick was to focus on a love interest. Imagining a boy taking care of me somehow took the edge off in a way that nothing else did. By middle school, I drifted off every night to thoughts of me and him - "him" being anyone from the boy I slow danced with to someone interesting from the playground.
My insomnia was gone by high school, coinciding in part with the beginning of my long string of monogamous relationships. Dreaming about a boy who demonstrated affection for me in real life felt even safer than the abstract fantasies of pre- and early adolescence. These conscious dreams, and these boys, began as sleeping pills and gradually bled into what seemed like every minute of every day. When I sensed one man's chapter ending, I sought out another as if on auto-pilot.
Even now, it is a rare night that I do not go to sleep thinking about some man or another. It is all I know how to do. Recognition of the havoc this wreaks on my mental state has been percolating slowly for some time. It has been particularly lucid post-fb guy; I have had three consecutive man-free nights since he cut me loose. Miraculously, I increasingly possess the ability to breathe deeply and be with myself through the night.
Maybe next time my boundaries can be emotional, too.
Soundtrack: Jem, Save Me; Regina Spektor, Fidelity; Destiny's Child, Emotions; KT Tunstall, Silent Sea
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Seriously, this is a good thing. Let me tell you why.
This morning I went to a Jewish organization's community service day where there were multiple projects. Most people had chosen a project in advance, but I had made a game-time decision to go so I went to the pre-project brunch and scoped projects. One looked really interesting to me until I happened to glance down at the table and saw facebook guy's name on a nametag for that project. Ruled that project out. Didn't see him at the brunch, but did a pretty damn good job of not looking. The project I ultimately chose was conceptually similar to the one I'd rejected because of fb guy, except much much less convenient in terms of location. No matter; I had a fantastic time, was in my element, and also got to use a pressure washer. If you have not operated one of these things, I imagine it is similar to the feeling some people get when firing a gun.
Badass.
I was quite upset over fb guy on Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday morning (which I took off from work. But after a very busy Friday afternoon at work and giving a d'var Torah at services) I pretty much felt fine. I continued to pretty much feel fine through the weekend, even though his name and/or face kept popping up all over the damn place. These things were minor annoyances, not major heartbreaks.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that fb guy and I really weren't all that. I mean, that hadn't been made totally clear yet, of course, but a lot of what I was daydreaming was so great about him was in my own head. This bothers me somewhat, because one of the main points of this whole deal is that I'm trying to work on assessing things as they are. But it's good for me to realize it.
It's also good for me to have proof that not all breakup-like-things are like my last one. (I realize calling this a breakup is a bit of a stretch, but I mean, he called me and told me he wanted to not date me in order to date someone else!) I was very upset at first, but I bounced back quickly and unscathed. Most likely part of the reason I was that upset at first was fear of how upset I had been the last time around. It's a huge relief to know it's not always that bad.
Finally, running into fb guy with someone else so immediately after he rejected me for that person, and not even feeling the least bit like I wanted to cry about it, is self-affirming, and good practice for eventually running into the real Ex.
So fb guy's role in my life was to put me up against some of my fears and cause me to realize that I can handle them.
And maybe, somewhat recursively, to bring me closer to understanding the Ex's role in my life.
Badass.
I was quite upset over fb guy on Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday morning (which I took off from work. But after a very busy Friday afternoon at work and giving a d'var Torah at services) I pretty much felt fine. I continued to pretty much feel fine through the weekend, even though his name and/or face kept popping up all over the damn place. These things were minor annoyances, not major heartbreaks.
And the more I think about it, the more I realize that fb guy and I really weren't all that. I mean, that hadn't been made totally clear yet, of course, but a lot of what I was daydreaming was so great about him was in my own head. This bothers me somewhat, because one of the main points of this whole deal is that I'm trying to work on assessing things as they are. But it's good for me to realize it.
It's also good for me to have proof that not all breakup-like-things are like my last one. (I realize calling this a breakup is a bit of a stretch, but I mean, he called me and told me he wanted to not date me in order to date someone else!) I was very upset at first, but I bounced back quickly and unscathed. Most likely part of the reason I was that upset at first was fear of how upset I had been the last time around. It's a huge relief to know it's not always that bad.
Finally, running into fb guy with someone else so immediately after he rejected me for that person, and not even feeling the least bit like I wanted to cry about it, is self-affirming, and good practice for eventually running into the real Ex.
So fb guy's role in my life was to put me up against some of my fears and cause me to realize that I can handle them.
And maybe, somewhat recursively, to bring me closer to understanding the Ex's role in my life.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
already?
Via text message:
Rulebreaker: [fb] is here a the jewish music fest w his new girl :(
Rulebreaker's bff: Rat bastard.
Rulebreaker's bff: You doin ok?
Rulebreaker: (attaches picture of self, new girl not included in picture) how do i look? hotter than her?
Rulebreaker's bff: Absolutely yes.
Rulebreaker: i'm pretty sure he is wearing the same shirt he wore on 2 of our 4 dates
Guess who called?
Texting guy! Perhaps he's a mind-reader, as (despite my idle threats), I had not contacted him.
Last week he had texted me midday during a workday asking me for a lawyer recommendation. I just texted him back the guy's name a few hours later.
Today he left me a vm thanking me and asking if I was going to this local festival, and saying he'd come say hi if I was.
I mean, maybe texting guy's just trying to be friends. That's fine. But the timing makes me smile.
Last week he had texted me midday during a workday asking me for a lawyer recommendation. I just texted him back the guy's name a few hours later.
Today he left me a vm thanking me and asking if I was going to this local festival, and saying he'd come say hi if I was.
I mean, maybe texting guy's just trying to be friends. That's fine. But the timing makes me smile.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
OK, it's done
He met someone else. He called me and told me this in pretty much the nicest most unobjectionable way possible, so that I couldn't even have any anger about it. I'm left with simple sadness. He said that he probably would have kept dating me except that he wanted to see where this other thing went. He was complimentary to me and said that the timing was just off. I have never lost a cage match to another woman. It sucks.
I'm not sure if this action was particularly Rulesy - I guess it doesn't really matter at this point - but I logged into Jdate and replied to a message he sent me in November of 2008:
(the flair thing is something we had talked about before)
[EDITED 6/4] his response:
Do I Jdate "flirt" texting guy as a rebound? Nobody answered this one yet...
I'm not sure if this action was particularly Rulesy - I guess it doesn't really matter at this point - but I logged into Jdate and replied to a message he sent me in November of 2008:
Off-timing indeed :)
I really liked you and I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I do appreciate your honesty and I wish you all the best. I got you a piece of flair (don't get too excited, it's a McDonald's happy meal toy), so I'll try to give that to you next time I see you.
-Rulebreaker
(the flair thing is something we had talked about before)
[EDITED 6/4] his response:
Hi Rulebreaker -
Thanks for the note and I appreciate you picking me up some flair. I have good feelings towards you and I am glad to know you feel the same.
I am sure I will see you soon,
FB
[e-mail address]
Do I Jdate "flirt" texting guy as a rebound? Nobody answered this one yet...
Low point
As may have been foreshadowed by the previous post, I hit a low point last night.
Before I describe it, let's just be clear that I do think that what happened to me last night/is happening to me now is an inevitable, necessary, and valuable part of the six months of Rules experiment. Especially if said experiment is ultimately going to be made into a movie with me played by a combination of Mary Pierce and Uma Thurman (AO reference). I am also cutting myself some slack on my reactions to it given what's going on at work right now. So, with that context...
FB guy called me last Friday night - 5 days from the previous contact. I thought we had a good conversation, which I ended after about 15 minutes. I was all "en aire," to use a phrase my best friend from childhood and I coined in 7th grade Spanish class.
Until Sunday. Then my anxiety started to increase again, building steadily until last night (another 5 days from last contact), by which time I was a virtual basket case and also going through a pretty tumultuous workweek. I turned my phone on silent and went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend. When I was feeling a nice level of tipsy, I bravely looked at my phone. On it was a missed call and a text from FB guy! "Hi - give a call when you can - [first initial]."
I was out and busy and really really should not have returned the call. Seriously, why did I return the call? Thus begins the slippery and treacherous slope of Rules fails.
He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.
I checked my phone in 5 minutes and had a missed call.
I called back immediately. He didn't pick up. By this point my hackles were up.
I monitored my phone closely until he called back a few minutes later. I picked it up on my way outside, but the background noise was audible.
The conversation is actually a bit foggy. He asked me if I was home, and I said, no, I was out with [girlfriend]. We engaged in some small talk that seemed pleasant to a fairly buzzed Rulebreaker. He then asked me what time I thought I'd be home or something to that effect, and I asked him how late he'd be up. He didn't give me an answer and told me that if it was too late we could just talk tomorrow. I cheerily said okay, and we hung up.
Almost immediately I started to feel like something was Wrong. As I walked back in all the pieces started falling together. The distant "Hi - give a call when you get a chance?" The unenthusiastic "We can talk tomorrow?" Facebook guy was calling to break up with me. I was sure of it.
At this point I started acting like a complete psycho in mixed company. I told my girlfriend that I might just leave soon to call him back. I tapped my foot impatiently. I was distracted from all conversation. My carotid artery was visibly pounding in my throat (note: this is a Criminal Procedure joke). I managed to suffer through this for a whopping half hour before I bolted to the bathroom and called him standing inside a stall.
He didn't pick up.
I returned to the table sans relief, now wound into a full-on frenzy. My slight intoxication had loosened my tear ducts. My eyes became glassy. I wiped runaway tears with my napkin, blowing my nose in a futile attempt to disguise it. I plastered a fake smile on and desperately tried to make eye contact with my dining companions, most of whom I'd never met. I whispered to my friend that I wanted to just take off, and she (probably smartly) told me I was not leaving without her and was in fact spending the night at her place. I checked my phone compulsively. Nothing.
My friend excused herself and me as quickly as reasonably possible to get us out of there, although I'm quite confident it was too late for me to be perceived as a sane person. I drove out of the parking lot while texting facebook guy "are you still up?" at 10:00 PM. I then drove twenty miles to my friend's house in the pouring rain, checking my phone, sobbing (yes, sobbing!!!!) and blasting Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" over and over.
My friend had mobilized (her word) our other friend, who arrived at the apartment shortly after we did. They laid down on either side of me in her bed and we watched the Golden Girls and I fell asleep. I had an absolutely ridiculous dream wherein (very brief synopsis) I looked at FB guy's FB profile and he had changed his relationship status to "engaged." I then defriended him, which showed up in the FB feed as "Rulebreaker has defriended FB guy because he changed his relationship status to engaged."
The next morning FB guy had not called/texted back.
Even so, I felt marginally better, went to work, and checked Jdate. After two weeks of no activity, FB guy had signed in 10 hours ago.
10 hours ago. Also known as after my 10:00 PM text message.
This of course confirmed my breakup call fears, and I flew off the handle again. I posted a somewhat abbreviated version of this post in the AO to keep myself from doing something crazy like calling/texting/emailing him (I detest false hope, so once I'm pretty certain something is bad news, I just want it to be DONE). The actuaries sensibly pointed out that I had nothing to gain from that aside from a mere 12-13 hours of relief. I managed to process this logically. My ability to process this logically made me feel better.
I did nothing, and have heard nothing.
All sorts of thoughts are now bouncing around in my head. They include the straightforward "he's just not that into me," the somewhat more self-deprecating "I pushed him away with these stupid f*cking Rules," the nervous "he went back to his ex girlfriend," the paranoid "OMG he found my blog," and the somewhat more optimistic "he found my Jdate profile."
Some silver linings - Although I did develop real feelings for him and am consequently suffering some amount of heartbreak, I can still view him as a character in my blog. This provides some comfort to me even as I am alarmed at my unhinged reaction. Also, I now have inspiration for singing my solo in my a cappella group. Sorry, can't tell you what song it is, but that should at least amuse my readers who do know. Most significantly, it is always pleasant to be reminded that I have truly amazing friends.
RIP Rulebreaker + FB guy. Not technically flatlined yet, but probably a vegetable whose plug will be pulled sometime later today.
Before I describe it, let's just be clear that I do think that what happened to me last night/is happening to me now is an inevitable, necessary, and valuable part of the six months of Rules experiment. Especially if said experiment is ultimately going to be made into a movie with me played by a combination of Mary Pierce and Uma Thurman (AO reference). I am also cutting myself some slack on my reactions to it given what's going on at work right now. So, with that context...
FB guy called me last Friday night - 5 days from the previous contact. I thought we had a good conversation, which I ended after about 15 minutes. I was all "en aire," to use a phrase my best friend from childhood and I coined in 7th grade Spanish class.
Until Sunday. Then my anxiety started to increase again, building steadily until last night (another 5 days from last contact), by which time I was a virtual basket case and also going through a pretty tumultuous workweek. I turned my phone on silent and went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend. When I was feeling a nice level of tipsy, I bravely looked at my phone. On it was a missed call and a text from FB guy! "Hi - give a call when you can - [first initial]."
I was out and busy and really really should not have returned the call. Seriously, why did I return the call? Thus begins the slippery and treacherous slope of Rules fails.
He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.
I checked my phone in 5 minutes and had a missed call.
I called back immediately. He didn't pick up. By this point my hackles were up.
I monitored my phone closely until he called back a few minutes later. I picked it up on my way outside, but the background noise was audible.
The conversation is actually a bit foggy. He asked me if I was home, and I said, no, I was out with [girlfriend]. We engaged in some small talk that seemed pleasant to a fairly buzzed Rulebreaker. He then asked me what time I thought I'd be home or something to that effect, and I asked him how late he'd be up. He didn't give me an answer and told me that if it was too late we could just talk tomorrow. I cheerily said okay, and we hung up.
Almost immediately I started to feel like something was Wrong. As I walked back in all the pieces started falling together. The distant "Hi - give a call when you get a chance?" The unenthusiastic "We can talk tomorrow?" Facebook guy was calling to break up with me. I was sure of it.
At this point I started acting like a complete psycho in mixed company. I told my girlfriend that I might just leave soon to call him back. I tapped my foot impatiently. I was distracted from all conversation. My carotid artery was visibly pounding in my throat (note: this is a Criminal Procedure joke). I managed to suffer through this for a whopping half hour before I bolted to the bathroom and called him standing inside a stall.
He didn't pick up.
I returned to the table sans relief, now wound into a full-on frenzy. My slight intoxication had loosened my tear ducts. My eyes became glassy. I wiped runaway tears with my napkin, blowing my nose in a futile attempt to disguise it. I plastered a fake smile on and desperately tried to make eye contact with my dining companions, most of whom I'd never met. I whispered to my friend that I wanted to just take off, and she (probably smartly) told me I was not leaving without her and was in fact spending the night at her place. I checked my phone compulsively. Nothing.
My friend excused herself and me as quickly as reasonably possible to get us out of there, although I'm quite confident it was too late for me to be perceived as a sane person. I drove out of the parking lot while texting facebook guy "are you still up?" at 10:00 PM. I then drove twenty miles to my friend's house in the pouring rain, checking my phone, sobbing (yes, sobbing!!!!) and blasting Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" over and over.
My friend had mobilized (her word) our other friend, who arrived at the apartment shortly after we did. They laid down on either side of me in her bed and we watched the Golden Girls and I fell asleep. I had an absolutely ridiculous dream wherein (very brief synopsis) I looked at FB guy's FB profile and he had changed his relationship status to "engaged." I then defriended him, which showed up in the FB feed as "Rulebreaker has defriended FB guy because he changed his relationship status to engaged."
The next morning FB guy had not called/texted back.
Even so, I felt marginally better, went to work, and checked Jdate. After two weeks of no activity, FB guy had signed in 10 hours ago.
10 hours ago. Also known as after my 10:00 PM text message.
This of course confirmed my breakup call fears, and I flew off the handle again. I posted a somewhat abbreviated version of this post in the AO to keep myself from doing something crazy like calling/texting/emailing him (I detest false hope, so once I'm pretty certain something is bad news, I just want it to be DONE). The actuaries sensibly pointed out that I had nothing to gain from that aside from a mere 12-13 hours of relief. I managed to process this logically. My ability to process this logically made me feel better.
I did nothing, and have heard nothing.
All sorts of thoughts are now bouncing around in my head. They include the straightforward "he's just not that into me," the somewhat more self-deprecating "I pushed him away with these stupid f*cking Rules," the nervous "he went back to his ex girlfriend," the paranoid "OMG he found my blog," and the somewhat more optimistic "he found my Jdate profile."
Some silver linings - Although I did develop real feelings for him and am consequently suffering some amount of heartbreak, I can still view him as a character in my blog. This provides some comfort to me even as I am alarmed at my unhinged reaction. Also, I now have inspiration for singing my solo in my a cappella group. Sorry, can't tell you what song it is, but that should at least amuse my readers who do know. Most significantly, it is always pleasant to be reminded that I have truly amazing friends.
RIP Rulebreaker + FB guy. Not technically flatlined yet, but probably a vegetable whose plug will be pulled sometime later today.
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