Rulebreaker, Un-Single Person

For those of you counting, this is the end of month nine of the six months of Rules. That means I was single for almost ten months. A record, one I'm quite proud of.

As of last weekend, Rulebreaker has a boyfriend (music&lyrics).

Rules principles are helping me measure my actions and reactions in my new relationship, which is definitely making a big difference. I can already sense how my Rules-bolstered self is going to be better at conflict management in relationships. This isn't a Rules relationship by any means, but there are trace elements of the Rules that I have ingrained into my life philosophy, and it's a good change for sure.

To the extent major Rules issues come up, I'll probably post. When this relationship ends or doesn't, I'll probably post. I also still have on my to-do list to write reviews of all the dating websites.

Feel free to ask me Rules questions too, and I'll answer them. Regardless of whether I agree with all of them for me personally, I do approve of their use generally and definitely enjoy my pseudo-Rules-expert status.

In the meantime, thank you all for reading.

PS, I'm like, bff with texting guy. We email every day and have hung out and talked multiple times, about really personal stuff. Isn't that weird? I'm really happy about how that turned out too. I'm sort of afraid at some point I'm going to divulge this blog to him. Haha.

Nexting texting guy

Well, I finally did it.

Music&lyrics and I spent a ton of time together last week. Most of it was combined with a rehearsal or a performance. I'm not sure how to balance that with the Rules, btw - there are Rules for dating a coworker, but not for dating a co-songwriter. There are also Rules for dating a performer too. Regardless, I know I broke tons of Rules with him just because I wasn't strict about limiting the number of hours we spent together. I'm not really Rulesing him that much. But I digress.

During one of my conversations with music&lyrics over that week, he had specifically mentioned being jealous of texting guy one time when he saw us together, before anything happened between music&lyrics and me. Given that, I really felt like continuing to date texting guy in particular could jeopardize whatever is happening with music&lyrics. So I made up my mind to end it with texting guy.

As usual, I didn't know how. I waited until he called me, then when he asked to take me to the airport and the following approximate conversation ensued:

RB: Where is this coming from? I mean, you're being all nice and we're getting to the point where we are going to have to have a conversation.

TG: OK. Well, we don't have to have it NOW, do we?

RB: No.

[pause]

RB: But it's like, we've been pseudo-dating for eight months now, and it's not really going anywhere.

TG: See, now you're starting to have the conversation.

RB: Okay.

TG: I'd really like to see you before you leave town.

RB: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.

Then when we talked the next day, I was pissy about something else I'd heard about texting guy (which I won't go into here). And our schedules weren't going to allow for us to actually get together that night. I actually got irritated with him about the other thing, and then was basically like,

RB: I had hoped to do this in person, but ... you know, we've been dating for eight months, it's not going anywhere, and I can't date you anymore. I'd love to be your friend.

TG: .....

RB: .....

TG: .....

RB: I honestly didn't think you'd be that upset about this.

Texting guy actually resisted this somewhat. Apparently he didn't think this was the direction I was going when I had brought it up before (wow, he thought I was going to ask him to be in a relationship?!?!?!). We got into an actual conversation wherein he said a number of things and I said a number of things, all quite different from anything we'd ever discussed before. I'm not sure the conversation is fully over because he had to go and wanted to talk when I got back from out of town. Also, we texted a few times over the past week while I was away.

So we shall see. I am actually very interested in post-mortem-ing my relationship with texting guy. But just that - post-mortem. I think it could provide some very interesting insight into what the Rules actually did in this case. I would also seriously like to be his friend.

Dating two guys

I think I'm sort of dating both texting guy and music&lyrics right now. I communicate with both of them most days (even if just a text or an email). And I think I've become not only okay with that, but happy about it. It makes me a little less anxious about dating either of them.

Last night I called texting guy for distraction in a stressful situation and ended up breaking down about the situation and he was actually pretty good at helping me feel better. Then after we talked, in a later moment, the following text conversation took place:

Rulebreaker: awk awk awk

texting guy: ?

Rulebreaker: how is the office? [the show, that he had told me he was watching]

texting guy: i'm just happy you learned how to use text :)

Some of my friends think texting guy is starting to move towards relationship. I don't think so. But I'm in an okay place dating-wise right now, including him.

What about the Rules, you say?

I'm still measuring my actions - I don't express too much excitement in my tone, I don't say commitment-related things, I don't make the first move physically, I don't ask them on dates (although I have invited myself over to texting guy's place twice at my convenience), I don't generally initiate contact, I don't respond to contact that doesn't ask for a response. Right now this feels about right.

Shakespearian

Tomorrow I am going on a first Jdate. With a guy whose sister randomly came to my birthday party and whose other sister is fb friends with me. At a coffee shop owned by another guy I am talking to on Jdate but who I haven't met yet. Who might also be my mental health professional's son.

(have not seen said mental health professional since January, but still. The stuff of sitcoms.)

Blog jinx

It seems like EVERY TIME I post an extended entry about a guy, something bad happens!

OK, nothing really bad has happened with music&lyrics, but I'm just sort of annoyed with it. Mostly my own bad attitude if I'm being honest.

I guess it's kind of good to know when to kick the Rules into higher gear. I'm doing this with music&lyrics now, as he asked me out on Tuesday for "this weekend," to which I said "sure," and his reply e-mail basically said he's wide open with no direct question to answer. I guess he'll just have to contact me when he gets back into town!

Shana tova all.
http://www.renewyear.com

What's left over

I have been thinking over the past few weeks how it is almost as if I never did the Rules at all. I am basically back to my old flirty self, a girl who invites guys she likes to her performances and events and initiates conversations with everyone, including cute guys she doesn't know. A girl who IMs guys on Jdate when she's bored, who sends e-mails to guys on Jdate first, a girl who doesn't wait 24 hours to write somebody back. A girl who *GASP* texts. A girl who accepts a spontaneous dinner date with texting guy, and calls texting guy of her own accord after accepting a job offer. A girl who, in fact, talks to texting guy on the phone 8 times the day that she really really needed help dealing with an issue with her current employer being a jackass about her decision to quit. (Calm down everyone, I'm not in a relationship with texting guy, though it definitely went more in that direction last week than ever before - and he was extremely, extremely supportive through the mess with my employer.)

So I'm probably not a hardcore Rules Girl, in the end. But I'm happier and more confident and more independent and healthier than ever, including when I was doing the Rules. I needed to be a Rules Girl in order to figure out my own Rules. And in that process, some of The Rules stuck.

Case in point: new boy, let's call him "music & lyrics." (this is a new name, btw, I changed his name after a friend coined this one and it was so much more appropriate). I have been hesitant to include him in the blog at all. He's a professional musician and my co-performer in a number of services, some of them meditation services, and a couple of non-religious performances. The thought of dating him has definitely occurred to me as far back as February (I will have to look back to see if I actually mentioned him here back then), and we had been making eyes at each other for some time even before this past weekend. Uhhh, I had tried not to during the Rules, of course. (I actually looked back and found a reference to him here, indicating that not making eyes at him didn't exactly work well.) Anyhow, he's a creative type, and any flirtation I have perceived I have half-dismissed as stage chemistry or his inherent new-agey-in-tune-with-emotion-ness.

Lately I've been thinking about him more, inviting him to things and hanging out lots before and after performances (non-Rulesy), etc., but I have been on the fence about whether I actually want anything to happen there. Music&lyrics is the definition of high-risk, high-reward for me. He brought me back to my creative side, and has inspired me to start songwriting. His inclusion of me in performances allows me to make like I am actually a musician without actually having accomplished anything, not to mention the fact that I am euphorically high while I am performing with/around him. The contacts we share at synagogue (rabbi, board members, etc.) are extremely important to me and are also responsible for a lot of my current happiness and feeling of fulfillment. I have a lot to lose if we get together and the relationship gets fucked up. And with my track record of 100% of my relationships getting fucked up and about a 20% can-remain-friends-eventually-but-even-those-needed-some-dramatic-time-off ratio, the risk is very real and very scary. In other words, what I have with him now is probably more important to me personally, professionally, spiritually, than ANY preexisting relationship I have had with a boyfriend, EVER.

If I knew it would work though, it would be my dream relationship and my dream life.

Sigh. Back to the Rules.

Music&lyrics and I performed at what is best described as a 3-day-long Jewish summer camp for adults in a very idyllic, dare I say romantic, mountain setting. The vibe between us was palpable. Over the weekend several people asked me if we were dating. Long story short, he told me his ex-girlfriend (also present in said idyllic summer camp setting) had accused him of lying when he broke up with her because he had told her he couldn't date anyone but he was now dating me (she assumed). He said he told her he wasn't dating me, but then said he didn't want me to think that meant he wasn't interested...

Skipping over some more conversation and moments of awkwardness involving the two of us and his ex in the same room, we spent an hour on a swing at 3 in the morning holding hands like middle school kids. Then he suggested we head back to our respective cabins (omg I didn't end the "date" first!). We had a lingering goodbye hug, during which he said "is it okay if we take this slow?"

Rulebreaker's internal monologue: Take *what* slow exactly? Wtf does taking it slow mean? I don't think there is anything that exists to take slow. Are you explaining to me why you're not kissing me good night and why you didn't try to while we were on the swing for an hour? Is this blowing me off gently, or does it mean I have to feel guilty if I date other guys while we're "slowly" going somewhere? Also before we take anything slow or fast I would like to explain to you in gruesome detail how horrific it would be for me if we broke up and were awkward around each other.

Rulebreaker: Yes, sure. [breaks off hug and smiles] Have a good night!

The next day, when we had a moment alone, Music&lyrics says that he feels stupid for the last thing he said last night.

Rulebreaker: What do you mean?
Music&lyrics: You know, the whole thing about going slow and everything.
Rulebreaker: Oh, no problem. We don't need to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: [squirms]
Rulebreaker: Unless you want to discuss that.
Music&lyrics: Well, I don't know, I guess, is taking it slow something that is in accord with you?
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: That's an impossible question to answer since I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK "TAKING THINGS SLOW" MEANS. Do you want this to go somewhere and you're being careful? Or do you want this not to go somewhere and you're going to accomplish that by getting me to agree to some sort of abstract slow pace and then eventually we'll forget where we were going?
Rulebreaker: Sure. I thought I said that last night.
Music&lyrics: Well, I didn't know if you really meant it or if that was just something that you said in the moment.
Rulebreaker's internal monologue: So what other answers exist to this particular question? 'No, I really had hoped you'd propose at the end of the weekend?' Even if I hypothetically weren't ok with going slow, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, there is no way to articulate such sentiment without sounding completely psychotic.
Rulebreaker: Not at all - yeah, that's cool.

And despite my internal monologue, it IS cool. Whatever it means. I'm NOT acting as if. I'm just okay with the uncertainties and the lack of definitions and the open-endedness. So the Rule I seem to have internalized is, don't push. I'm giving him the space to do whatever he wants with. He can think about me, he can make us go forward at whatever pace he wants, he can initiate conversations about us - I'm not going to be putting any pressure on him at all. Pre-Rules Rulebreaker probably would have milked all the drama out of that conversation and required it to come to some sort of plan or conclusion. I feel really good about not handling it like that.

Although, in Rules fashion, I'm not going to stop dating other guys while he's all, uh, songwriting and shit.

Soundtrack: Bonnie Raitt, Something to Talk About

Texting guy's rules and policies

Since my experiment ended, I haven't been doing the Rules, but I've been living them more or less. I don't have to try hard not to check dating site mail. I really am too involved in my own life to spend much time worrying about guys calling.

I'm guessing this entry isn't going to win anybody over on texting guy, and that's ok. But for your amusement - One reader who came to my birthday party said that she had no idea texting guy would be such a huge tool. Another couple of readers said that they expected him to be less attractive. In any event, he's still around though I haven't seen him since the bday party. Here is an example of me not doing the Rules in a telephone conversation between me and texting guy.

After 35 minutes on the phone...

Texting guy: We should go out again sometime.

Rulebreaker: [pause] Okay.

Texting guy: Cool. Do I have to say when right now?

Rulebreaker: No, you don't, but I'm performing next weekend if you want to come.

Texting guy: Oh really, when?

Rulebreaker: [explains performance] There's a facebook event but I can't invite you.

Texting guy: Right, because we're not friends. [note: we have bantered about the fact that we're not facebook friends before, but neither of us has suggested making that happen]

Rulebreaker: Yup. We're not friends.

Texting guy: Well, I suppose we could become friends. But that would violate my rules and policies.

Rulebreaker: Your rules and policies, huh? And what are those?

Texting guy: [laughing] Not to facebook friend people I date.

Rulebreaker: [laughs] Yeah, I have that rule and policy too. But it's getting in the way at this point, because I have to tell [Rulebreaker and Texting guy's mutual friend] to invite you to events. [Note: by this I meant Jewish events I'm in charge of, and that was fairly clear, although it was the case for my birthday party as well.]

...

Texting guy: [reads screen out loud as he adds RB as a friend on facebook] I suppose we could always just defriend each other.

The end?

Today ends the six months of Rules. And my twenties. Perhaps I will describe my final shenanigans at my birthday party and at a wedding where I was the maid of honor another time. But for now:

Conclusions?

The first that springs to mind is that if I try to do the Rules in an extreme form, I will eventually go insane from the struggle of it all and run in the opposite direction from the Rules, surpassing even my pre-Rules limits. Yes, even Rulebreaker had some of her own rules before the Rules, even though this realization occurred as a result of seeing the full set of rules and Rules in a shattered heap on the ground.

Even so, there were some Rules that I never once broke, even though they were not intuitive to me pre-experiment. Specifically, I never asked a guy out, and I never initiated phone or e-mail contact with a guy (ok - one exception when I sent a guy a link right after I had replied to an e-mail from him). I also never initiated a conversation about "us" or the relationship beyond telling texting guy what I would and would not do physically outside of one. I never accepted a "free for drinks tomorrow?" date. I never accepted a Saturday night date after a Wednesday. I didn't facebook friend a guy. And all of these Rules inactions generally felt right to me, as opposed to frustrating.

So what drove me insane? The guilt. The Rules made me feel like a CUAO-Fail. I felt constant guilt for being funny and outgoing, for exuding any hint of flirtatiousness, for starting conversation or including topics of my own choosing in conversation, for encouraging guys to go to events I was promoting. When first dates failed, as they did often, I blamed my inability to maintain demureness. I felt bad about myself. I felt that I should be more of a lady and less of a funny girl or else no man would ever love me in that elusive Rules-marriage way. I felt this regardless of the man who didn't love me in that particular instance; I became unable to evaluate the merits of the man, caring only about why he rejected me. This would undoubtedly come across as interest in the man himself, despite not ever really having reached that inquiry. Any interest I exuded would have undermined the entire goal of the Rules.

Simply put, trying hard to be a CUAO as defined by the Rules threw me back in the pit of low self-esteem that I was trying to climb out of when I started this thing.

Reading back over my first CUAO post, I come to the same question I stopped just short of asking in that entry:

How can one be a Creature Unlike Any Other by applying a uniform set of mannerisms and expressions devised by someone else?

Forgetting the Rules's ironic definition of CUAO for a moment, I think most people who have spent time with me would describe me as a creature unlike any other. But the so-called Rules "CUAO" I was trying to be was not me. And by trying to be that CUAO, and trying very very hard to like that CUAO, I tricked myself into not liking me, or at least into doubting the desirability of my personality in a way I had never before. Frankly, I didn't even succeed in liking the CUAO version of me either, so this was a lose-lose result.

At the same time, the Rules experience (including the CUAO part) undeniably increased my independence as a person. I obsess over men less, I get over my obsessions more quickly, I am far more fulfilled by my man-less existence than I ever imagined I could be.

So, what next?

Drop the CUAO act. From here on out, I'm unapologetically Rulebreaker. I will, however, try to be the least annoying version of myself.

Keep the main Rules that worked, but as guidelines. I'm not going to ask guys out. I'm not going to be available at the drop of a hat because, in reality, I'm not. I'm not going to run around friending guys or flirting with guys or making possible interest in them apparent. Indeed, I am going to try not to be interested.

Find some sort of additional experiment to justify continued blogging despite that nobody comments here anymore. I've actually already thought of one, but I have to think it through a bit more.

Stay tuned,

A few hours shy of 30-year-old Rulebreaker

party time

My fairly massive birthday party is tomorrow. Likely in attendance, Rules-wise? Texting guy. Yes, he's still around. Haven't seen him since the July 4th party-hopping extravaganza, but we spent an hour on the phone a couple weeks ago, mostly talking about professional stuff. Then he disappeared as usual, and reemerged a few days ago by text (to which I did not respond), facebook message (to which I did not respond), and phone (which I picked up and spent eight minutes engaged in the usual banter). Yes I know I said I was totally done with him. But we can be friends, right? We just haven't had that conversation.

Others in attendance at my party? My parents. This should be interesting.

In any event, the fact that it is my birthday party means that the six months of Rules are nearly over. You can all look forward to my certainly profound conclusions on my actual birthday, Wednesday.

Read between the lines

• 9 - How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
• "End the date first…especially if you like him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply sigh, and say, 'Gee, this was really great, but I've got a really big day tomorrow.' Don't say what it is you're doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though you're dying to do more."
• "Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first three dates should be like 'being and nothingness.' Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too much feeling, investment, or heart."

• 11 - Always End the Date First
• "The first date or two should last no more than five hours."
• "[Ending the date first] must be done because you must leave him wanting more of you, not less. If he wants to know more about you as the date is ending, he can always call you the next day or ask you out again when he drops you off."

• 15 - Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
• "But what if you like sex a lot too, and denying yourself is just as hard as denying him? Does that mean you can sleep with him on the first or second date? Unfortunately, the answer is still no. You will just have to exercise a bit of self-restraint and character building here and trust that if you hold off for a few weeks or months, you won't be sorry. Why risk having him call you easy (and think of you that way) when he's talking to his buddies in the locker room the next day? Better that he be angry and strategizing ways of seducing you on the next date than moving on to the next girl. Making him wait will only increase his desire and create more passion when you finally have sex whenever you're ready."
• "Now you might argue that you don't mind having sex with him on the first or second date and taking your chances, that it's okay with you if he doesn't call again because you're both grown-ups and you can take your lumps. We know from experience, of course, that most girls who say this are lying to themselves. Deep down inside it's not okay with a woman if she sleeps with a man and he doesn't call…Every woman we know who said it was okay if a man didn't call after sex was actually not okay when he didn't call. When you sleep with him on the second date, you don't really know if he's going to be a gentleman or a creep. Rules girls don't take risks. We wait until we're sure before having sex."

• Chapter 6, Book II: Long-Distance Relationships Part I: How They Should Start
• "[B]ecause you broke The Rules by spending so much time with him, he either never calls, or calls after a week or two just to say hello but doesn't make plans to see you. Or he cals and asks you to fly to [his city] to see him, or makes plans to see you in [your city] but only because he's going to be there on business anyway… Looking back on the evening--and after reading The Rules--you realize that you didn't play hard to get. You spent five straight hours with him. He knew you liked him and the challenge was gone. We're not saying that had you walked away or turned him down a couple of times for dances that he would definitely call and pursue a long-distance relationship…But by not doing The Rules, you lessened your chances, you got your hopes up, and you got emotionally involved and hurt…When you spend four or five hours with a man you just met, he no longer finds you as mysterious or interesting, even if he made the first move. When he goes back home, he may not think you're that special or dream about seeing you again because you were too available… The oly way to know if a man is really interested in you -- instead of just filing up a few hours -- is to not accept a last-minute date. When you make him wait several days to see you or you make him wait until he's in town again a month later, he gets to experience longing. If his feelings about you are just lukewarm, he won't bother to make a date beforehand--by following The Rules, you'll avoid wasting your time and having your hopes dashed later on."
• Here, you're thinking this is true love, and he's thinking sex, sand, and fun for a week.

• Online Rule 17 Dates One, Two, or Three
• "We believe you should then date a man for several months before sleeping with him… Why? Because you don't want to sleep with a man until you are pretty sure it is meaningful. Physical intimacy should happen slowly over a period of six to eight dates, not impulsively on the first or second date, no matter how you feel or how long you've been reading his e-mails and think you 'know' him."

• The Rules for Long-Distance Relationships (Online)
• "The biggest mistake women are making in long-distance relationships is that they are hopping on planes to meet these online guys. Every woman who does this has a good reason, including: … she has friends, relatives, or business in that town… Whatever the reason is, it is not The Rules if you agree to meet a man first under any circumstances…[t]hat puts you in the position of pursuer and allows him to be complacent."
• "Usually when a woman visits a man first or once, it is like taking one sip or one bite of something delicious: It's never a one-time thing. She usually ends up visiting him three or four times until she realizes that he is using her and the relationship is not reciprocal."

Defriend

Facebook guy changed his relationship status, and posted a couple-y profile picture.

I defriended.

The end.

PS - I don't think she's that pretty.

Epilogue - I have to work with fb guy on a smallish committee for the next two years. I was launched into that full force today when he was in the first of three breakout sessions with me, talking about Jewish identity in a group of five people. Oy. Awkward. At least I looked good.

TMI

I have been pondering how TMI to get in this blog. On one hand, I'm not a very private person with my friends. On the other, there's just some things I might not want to write about myself on the internet, even if it's only my friends reading it. And some of the TMI is quite relevant to the process.

Luckily, I'm so backlogged on relevant blog posts to write that I don't really have to make this decision right now. I'm open to arguments. Perhaps I will just go post the TMI on the AO.

Rejection and gender

A link someone sent to me, with a minor shout-out to the Rules:

http://miter.mit.edu/node/188

Extras

I have neglected to blog some of my experiences that did not go anywhere. Here are some synopses.

Guy from random city 3 hours away: He seemed highly interested on Jdate, sent me a couple of substantive e-mails on Jdate and I ended up ignoring one by accident because he's not really convenient (and his profile says he doesn't want to relocate). He then e-mailed again and said something cheeky about my lack of response, so I responded. He asked for my number, so I gave it to him. We played phone tag for a while, and then I had texted him approximately when I would be free. He responded: "Amy [not my name], Heading 2 sleep soon. Chat 2morrow or l8ter this week?" 12 minutes later he texted again: "[Rulebreaker], Sorry I didn't look very carefully @ phone. Trying 2 go 2 sleep but not sound impersonal. I need glasses. Just going 2 gym 2morrow and will b free after 6:30." Um. Next. Did not respond. A week later he texted that he'd be in my city that weekend if I wanted to get together. Did not respond.

Ortho dude: I IMed him in NY (rulebreaking), he asked me out, I met him to hang out in Central Park, he engaged in disastrous non-Rulesy conversation which I ultimately indulged because it was so obviously not going anywhere for me. An hour or so after I contrivedly ended the date, he texted "if u want to go out again u can." Huh? Next.

Dr. Capricorn: I accidentally indicated on chemistry.com that I was "interested" in this M.D., not knowing it would tell him so. Since I was only on for the free weekend I emailed and said I was confused about the site, but gave him my e-mail address. Again, unrules. But he initiated from there and was really warm and I was pretty excited about him! I met him for drinks one night, and everything was good for awhile, until I indicated that I admired Barack Obama and he unleashed a 30-minute tirade about the horror of health care reform. His eyes got all wild and demonic. A day or so later he e-mailed that it was cool to meet me, and "I know some good fish and sushi places." Oh really? Congratulations.

Froofy man: This NY guy had IMed me early on in my Jdate subscription, and was one of those over-emo guys. "How do you feel about long distance relationships?" etc. I talked to him briefly, very rulesily (for IM which you're technically not supposed to do) and then gave him my e-mail. Which he never used. So when I decided I was going to break the Rules and attempt to Jdate guys in NYC, I e-mailed him. He immediately e-mailed me AND Jdate messaged me with the subject line "[Rulebreaker] and [Froofy man] in NYC," and attaching several photos of himself utterly unsolicited. He talked about how great it was that I had messaged him and how it had improved his birthday weekend. When we went out he was a little effeminate for me, although cute when not moving or talking. The conversation was fairly strange. He described his gluten-free diet at length, and distinguished his wheat allergy from celiac disease. He asked questions about what I was looking for, which I absolutely hate on first Jdates. The example that captures his essence: I poured vinegar into the oil for my bread - that I would be eating by myself, of course - and he mentioned it looked like those inkblot tests. So unthinkingly, I was like "oh really, what do you see?" - myself seeing something that looked sort of like a wishbone. He went into this fairly detailed speech about how he saw two people coming together for the first time, with anticipation and uncertainty, and how one of them was cradling the other one. After he was finally done with this mortifying conclusion, I paused, then responded, "that's pretty deep for someone with a wheat allergy." When he walked me back to my hotel, he said enthusiastically how he'd like to see me again, and then never called or e-mailed. I wasn't terribly disappointed (and probably wouldn't have gone out with him again anyway).

Guy with kid: Very cute guy from eharmony with a child that looked about six in the picture. His profile was rambling, incoherent, and sappy. The friend I showed it to said "next" immediately. But his first e-mail to me after we made it to that stage of communication (see eharmony post, not yet written) was really nice. I was looking forward to meeting him but we had a bit of trouble getting it together. From my perspective, this was because I was out of town and busy. I was flexible on the texting rule for that reason but wasn't super responsive or quick on the texts b/c Rules. We talked on the phone once for about ten minutes, and he seemed interested in my religious activities, which made me happy. But after not being able to accept his invitation to hang out "Wednesday or Thursday after work," he said in a text: "Okay, something doesn't feel right here - not enough energy/interest. But I wish u all the best out there. Take care [Rulebreaker]."

I hope this has been a pleasant break from texting guy.

Thanks to online dating, I have a few more first dates lined up but that's it. This is a good thing, because otherwise I might find myself in an awkward situation re my BIRTHDAY PARTY. Which is ominously close. Also, because I really would like to write a little more in this blog before it technically expires, and going on a lot of second and third dates + insane workload = no time to write.

The Rules for long-distance setups

Finally, I am introducing a new character to the blog. A little late, I know, but it's high time I wrote about someone other than fb guy (who just made his relationship with other chick official on facebook, causing only minor mouth-puking on my part) and texting guy (who has, contrary to my big "closure" spiel, been calling and texting more often than usual and I'm pretty sure still thinks we're dating). Drumroll, please...

The Rules is fine with friend setups, but they're a little tricky. You both know it's a setup, so you know what the deal is and trying to treat it like "normal" dating seems almost silly. Also, if you're not telling your mutual friend that you're doing the Rules, you could come across as a jerk to both the guy and the friend.

The Rules is also fine with long-distance relationships as long as, for example, the guy visits first and so on.

I had the opportunity to try this in combination, which if you think about it is extremely weird. My friend (who knows that I'm attempting Rules but doesn't know about the blog) told me about this guy she thought I'd like in New York, and him about me. Basically we are both geeky Jews. I said sure, why not - I'm in New York all the time lately. She didn't know how to make the connection. I told her that she could either email us both at the same time or give him my contact info. She emailed both of us at the same time.

I waited in accordance with the Rules and the Rules of online dating.

He e-mailed. I complied with the Rules of online dating in my responses. He asked me out in the third e-mail for the next time I'd be in town. This was good, because if he hadn't and I had had to ignore his fourth e-mail like the Rules says, I'd probably have some explaining to do with my friend.

Now, he didn't offer to come to Atlanta to meet me, but a major pretense of us getting together was the fact that I came to NYC on business all the time. Plus he had just moved - and he did offer to meet me on the day he moved because that was the only day we overlapped in town. So I still think the Rules and I were square here. Also, I didn't offer up my phone number even though he gave me his, and technically I was probably allowed to at that point.

He picked me up at my hotel, and with an idea where to go. We went and had a beer and talked. Unfortunately I had skipped dinner and was starving to death. So when he asked whether I wanted another round I just had to ask if they had food here, which they did not, so that extended the date for us to go get food. But seriously, I was hungry.

Our conversation was good, and I hadn't checked the time in awhile. Then I opened my cell phone to show him something and bam! 3.5 hours had gone by.

OK, so I'd say first date scorecard was like a B/B- on this one. When he dropped me off at the hotel, he asked me when I'd be back in town and I said I wasn't sure, and he said to e-mail him.

I didn't, and he e-mailed me anyway! And we e-mailed back and forth, and made plans. I slipped up once when I saw a link I just had to send to him even though it wasn't my "turn" and it was after midnight.

The second date was so lovely that I threw the Rules into the East River. Metaphorically, of course.

xkcd on "Rules"

Closure day

On Independence Day 2000, I made a ten-hour drive to "surprise" a college boyfriend who had broken up with me earlier that summer, by phone, long distance. Basically, I needed to look at him and know that he didn't want me anymore to let it go. His mom knew I was coming; I'm not sure if that makes my action more or less psycho (I understand that it was psycho, for the record). He basically ignored me the first day I was there and I spent time alone in a guest room upset. Eventually I realized it was over and got myself together. We talked, we hooked up, we joked about how we were now breaking up on Independence Day and we'd gotten together on April Fool's Day. The next day I got in my car and drove ten hours back, feeling pretty good. And done.

On Independence Day 2010, I went on a full-day date with someone the Rules had tried their damnedest to weed out. The date was going to parties together, which makes sense for the 4th but is really not a date. Indeed, texting guy remarked on the way home about how great it was that he hadn't needed to spend any money all day long! (winner, huh)

The third and final party was located on the rooftop of the building where my ex lived for the duration of our relationship - a building that gave him 30 days notice to move out when his apartment got sold, which caused him to have to decide that he didn't want to live with me, which he knew would make me mad, which would thus create OMG a conflict, which the only way he could avoid was to break up with me when he came over to pick me up for dinner.

Incidentally, I think by that time texting guy and I were sick of each other. Our usual banter isn't sustainable for 10 hours. There were moments during the second half of the day when I sort of thought he was being a jerk on purpose, even. But standing on that rooftop thinking to myself that I was in my ex's ex-building on a night that had nothing to do with him was nice. As was kissing on the rooftop and in the building elevator.

Later on, texting guy and I went to my house and made out per usual, and for some reason he wanted to talk about the story of the day we met. In the course of the story someone's name came up that he didn't remember and it was driving him crazy so we went to the computer and looked that person up. He got pretty annoying at the computer, so at some point I was like "alright," in a conclusory fashion, and he was like "you want me to leave?" and I said "maybe." And basically he just left.

I feel done with that now. Texting guy might have the capacity to be a pretty good friend, and might be good in bed, but gosh, he's just kind of a bad date. Or just not that into me. I want something more than the chemistry we have. I have enough in my arsenal at this point to remember why I'm not doing this anymore, and turn him down if he calls again.

But gosh, today was a really great day. First, there was the two-for-one closure special, of course.

There was also a point when I wanted to see fireworks and texting guy drove really crazily to try to get down to where they were on time, and we drove to the perfect spot and watched the very end of them standing outside the car. It really was the perfect spot. It would have been a REALLY nice moment if I had been with someone with whom feelings beyond lust actually existed.

Which then reminded me of what I am looking for, and that this isn't it.

Independent, too busy to blog

Happy 4th! Instead of blogging in NYC, I spent the entire time dating and meeting people who know me only from my blog (or from the forums in which I whore it). This was awesome, but I have so much to say now and no time to say it. I'm also running out of time during the official experiment, which is supposed to be the interesting part, right? So I should make an effort to blog about it.

But it's 1:39 in the morning and I, ahem, have a date with texting guy tomorrow. Yes, he asked before Wednesday. And a holiday date's even more premium than Saturday night, right? Ok fine, he sort of ruined it by inviting me to stay over the night before too. But hey, I'm not doing that, so...

The reaction from my friends when I tell them I'll be with texting guy on the 4th is universally a load groan and incredulity as to why I would do this. The answers:

• I mean, I probably like him more than I let on. But I've tried hard to admit that possibility to myself and I'm still honestly not sure if it's accurate. This would usually be the true answer in my case.
  
• I do have FUN with the guy. I can't see myself in a real relationship with this man for reasons I have disclosed here and some I have not. Why not date for fun for a little? However, one friend swiftly poked a hole in this argument by reminding me that I said pretty much the exact same thing about the most recent ex.
  
• He asked me out for a Saturday-esque time FINALLY. I mean, don't I have to see what the hell that's like after all this??!!
• He is definitely the most interesting character in my blog, and I enjoy writing about him. (Actually I only really have two characters documented in the blog although there have been several more that I haven't had a chance to type up.) Texting guy is the Mr. Big to my Carrie. Sometimes I just have to go with that

But do not despair, non-fans of texting guy. I had an absolutely lovely date in NYC with a fixup, I have another first date the day after tomorrow, and I have three messages in my Jdate inbox waiting to be checked (but not until after the holiday is over)!

Empowering

The Rules? Empowering.

Making out with random guys from jdate in my hotel room in NYC? Also empowering.

But can I be a Rules Girl and a bit of a Jdate whore?

I think so, if I only do this out of town and keep my uh, physical activities in NY completely compartmentalized from my dating in Atlanta. So far it appears that I can do this emotionally just fine. There is just something inherently unattached about meeting some guy, having a couple of drinks, talking about upstate New York and indie rock and Mitch Hedberg, and then making out. You don't live near each other and neither of you plans to move. For some reason, it is easy to turn off my "I want this guy to want to marry me" instinct in this circumstance, and the experience is just pleasant. Having never been single before, I have never gotten to do the utterly random hookup before. It is kind of frigging cool.

Where do texting guy encounters fit in in all this? I'll save that question for another day.

Living up to my name

I'm definitely coasting to the finish line of my six months of rules. I think the most egregious breakdown I had recently was a fairly innocent one - I "requested communication" with a guy on eharmony. I know better than that, but he was a cute, relatively young, divorced, Jewish guy with a sensitive and intelligent profile. I also contacted a few people on my Chemistry.com free trial by accident - I didn't realize clicking interested would notify them. I'm about to go on Jdate and solicit New York guys because I want to set something up for the next 2 weeks when I'm out of town.

Probably most interestingly, I had two more interactions with texting guy.

The first one, I was a nearly perfect Rules girl when I ran into him at an event. Though I did hint that I wanted a ride (come on, I was wearing uncomfortable heels). Then yesterday he booty-texted me. Not in so many words, and he denied it later, but I pretty much knew what the invitation entailed and accepted it anyway. Yes, via text. The thing is, a) I wanted fb guy not to be the last guy I kissed, and b) I know the deal with texting guy. I don't have romantic designs on him anymore. We just have great physical chemistry. I didn't do anything dangerous, don't worry.

I'm going back to NY on business this weekend. I usually have some solid alone time there, so stay tuned for the following episodes, all made possible by my having hit the online dating circuit again:

• Rulebreaker reviews all the major dating sites, and how to apply the Rules to them
  
• Rulebreaker dates a man with a kid
  
• Rulebreaker dates a B-list celebrity
• Rulebreaker dates a doctor
  
• Rulebreaker tries to find a New York boyfriend to entertain her during business trips, including a friend setup
• Rulebreaker gets some serious street cred in softball
  
• At least four potential interests RSVP to Rulebreaker's 30th birthday party
  

What is up??

A girl from my a cappella group pointed out to me that my ex had posted youtube videos of the group two weeks ago. From a Christmas gig (shortly before we broke up - literally the previous weekend, I think).

This is the third non-contact contact. My reaction to each:

1. Smile, slightly triumphant
2. Roll my eyes at his rather pathetic inability to contact me, even though I mean, he must want to (no matter why it is he's been thinking about me lately).
3. Become slightly irritated that he is injecting himself into my finally exorcised brain.
4. Return to feeling triumphant.

I'm not sure if he wants closure, if he wants to know I'm not mad at him, if he wants to be friends...? At least one person has suggested he might want me back, but I seriously seriously doubt that. Not that his behavior is inconsistent with it, but he knows that we suck at communicating with each other and were miserable for like the last six months of our relationship. Even if he did want me back he'd never go for it, having begged for me to come back the first time we broke up just to have the same thing happen again 1.5 years later.

In the end it doesn't matter who is really at fault. It's over and I'm more or less the happiest I've ever been. The funny part is that I think if I had been even a B+ Rules Girl through that relationship, he'd have proposed a year ago. I'm not sure if that saddens or terrifies me. Perhaps even funnier, I have become a ton more like him in terms of my level of independence and attitude towards dating.

There were tons of incompatibilities pretty much throughout our time together. Just, tons. More than any boyfriend I've ever had, ever. I'd like to blame him for them - for his emotional immaturity, inability to set aside his family baggage and open up at all, brooding, consistent avoidance of conflict at all costs. I mean, I certainly own my part of it too - pressuring him, being insecure about everything, overanalyzing every action or inaction as a global symbol, forcing issues, being judgmental of his friends and family, overreacting when he did something irritating.

To quote my sister: Thank G-d that's over.

We "meet" again

Early on in our relationship, the Ex, who I met on Jdate, said he'd never go back on Jdate in our city. He said he had vowed that this was the last time, and then he met me when his subscription was about to expire.

The Ex viewed my Jdate profile last night.

It's nice to know he's single. And desperate given that he really didn't want to go back on there.

It's also somewhat amusing to know that he wants to make me aware of his existence without contacting me. He knows I will see that he viewed me. This is the second time he's done something like this, the first being in April when he nominated me for something that required me to put the name of my nominator on the application (I had to call the organization to find out who nominated me, which I'm sure they thought was strange). Aside from these non-contacts and my approaching him at a party for a 5-second conversation while wearing a blue wig, we have had no contact since the breakup on December 24. Digression: he did run into my sister on the train, and she pointedly ignored - almost snubbed him. My other friend almost ran him over with her car when he darted into the street. Typical.

Almost 6 months later, I feel like I sort of won at this breakup. I bought a house. I made myself a name in several organizations in the Jewish community (ironically, he nominated me to become more involved in one of the only Jewish organizations I'm not yet involved in). I've advanced in my career, though it's not exactly how I expected. I'm still single, but I have way more to gain personally from being single than he does, having been single most of his adult life except when he was with me.

I look back at when I was terrified to run into him, and it seems absurd. Now I'm almost looking forward to it - not because I wish him ill, but because I've come so far and want to stare my vanquished fear in the face.

Soundtrack: My Fair Lady, Without You; Lily Allen, Smile

Relief

Honestly, it is a huge relief to have fb guy out of my head. He never called me that often. He never expressed anything regarding how things were going until he called to tell me it was over. I'm now pretty sure he was never that into me. The Rules worked well to weed him out as a guy not that into me, even though I do believe he was a genuinely nice and good guy. It is wonderful not to have to think about him anymore.

But why did I put so much brainpower into him needlessly while it was going on? It was distracting and exhausting.

Pre-Rules me had few boundaries, emotional or physical. I fell fast and hard, immersing myself with abandon in my fantasies of him, drinking in as much communication and physical intimacy as I possibly could (short of sex until exclusivity was largely established). Rules me set up physical boundaries, stepping on the brakes as to literal contact. But, as I failed to realize until fb guy ended, my admirable adherence to my physical restrictions did not translate into emotional boundaries.

I have always been a strange mix of thought and emotion. Believe it or not (in fact, many of my close friends do not), my head rules my heart. It is my head, not my heart, that unbalances me every single time. This does not mean I am not emotionally sensitive - clearly, I am. But my most extreme emotional reactions occur as a result of my head's hostile invasion and ultimate conquest of my heart. On the rare occasions when I can figure out how to let go of my head and allow my heart to come to the surface, I can experience the kind of slow, healthy sadness that yields to calm acceptance.

As a child, I was a bit of an insomniac. Every little noise or thought kept me from falling asleep. Once I did, I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and feel completely out of control. One of my clearest mental images from my elementary school years is of me lying on my bed, moonlight glaring at me through the window, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling and listening to late-night soft pop on the radio in futile attempt to distract myself from the crickets and house creaks and thoughts of house fires or my parents getting a divorce or my cat wandering off or infectious diseases, which stood between me and slumber. Eventually I would not be able to stand it anymore and would stride quietly down the hall to wake my mother up. Out of tiredness and frustration at her inability to provide me any relief, she would sometimes get angry and threaten to take me to a psychiatrist. I would cry in desperation. We would argue until the flying sparks exhausted me and I returned to my room to collapse on my bed, radio still playing.

(Footnote: I have a wonderful, amazing mother whose only flaw is taking the angst of her children personally.)

Even that young, my sleeping trick was to focus on a love interest. Imagining a boy taking care of me somehow took the edge off in a way that nothing else did. By middle school, I drifted off every night to thoughts of me and him - "him" being anyone from the boy I slow danced with to someone interesting from the playground.

My insomnia was gone by high school, coinciding in part with the beginning of my long string of monogamous relationships. Dreaming about a boy who demonstrated affection for me in real life felt even safer than the abstract fantasies of pre- and early adolescence. These conscious dreams, and these boys, began as sleeping pills and gradually bled into what seemed like every minute of every day. When I sensed one man's chapter ending, I sought out another as if on auto-pilot.

Even now, it is a rare night that I do not go to sleep thinking about some man or another. It is all I know how to do. Recognition of the havoc this wreaks on my mental state has been percolating slowly for some time. It has been particularly lucid post-fb guy; I have had three consecutive man-free nights since he cut me loose. Miraculously, I increasingly possess the ability to breathe deeply and be with myself through the night.

Maybe next time my boundaries can be emotional, too.

Soundtrack: Jem, Save Me; Regina Spektor, Fidelity; Destiny's Child, Emotions; KT Tunstall, Silent Sea

Seriously, this is a good thing. Let me tell you why.

This morning I went to a Jewish organization's community service day where there were multiple projects. Most people had chosen a project in advance, but I had made a game-time decision to go so I went to the pre-project brunch and scoped projects. One looked really interesting to me until I happened to glance down at the table and saw facebook guy's name on a nametag for that project. Ruled that project out. Didn't see him at the brunch, but did a pretty damn good job of not looking. The project I ultimately chose was conceptually similar to the one I'd rejected because of fb guy, except much much less convenient in terms of location. No matter; I had a fantastic time, was in my element, and also got to use a pressure washer. If you have not operated one of these things, I imagine it is similar to the feeling some people get when firing a gun.

Badass.

I was quite upset over fb guy on Wednesday night, Thursday, and Friday morning (which I took off from work. But after a very busy Friday afternoon at work and giving a d'var Torah at services) I pretty much felt fine. I continued to pretty much feel fine through the weekend, even though his name and/or face kept popping up all over the damn place. These things were minor annoyances, not major heartbreaks.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that fb guy and I really weren't all that. I mean, that hadn't been made totally clear yet, of course, but a lot of what I was daydreaming was so great about him was in my own head. This bothers me somewhat, because one of the main points of this whole deal is that I'm trying to work on assessing things as they are. But it's good for me to realize it.

It's also good for me to have proof that not all breakup-like-things are like my last one. (I realize calling this a breakup is a bit of a stretch, but I mean, he called me and told me he wanted to not date me in order to date someone else!) I was very upset at first, but I bounced back quickly and unscathed. Most likely part of the reason I was that upset at first was fear of how upset I had been the last time around. It's a huge relief to know it's not always that bad.

Finally, running into fb guy with someone else so immediately after he rejected me for that person, and not even feeling the least bit like I wanted to cry about it, is self-affirming, and good practice for eventually running into the real Ex.

So fb guy's role in my life was to put me up against some of my fears and cause me to realize that I can handle them.

And maybe, somewhat recursively, to bring me closer to understanding the Ex's role in my life.

already?

Via text message:

Rulebreaker: [fb] is here a the jewish music fest w his new girl :(
Rulebreaker's bff: Rat bastard.
Rulebreaker's bff: You doin ok?
Rulebreaker: (attaches picture of self, new girl not included in picture) how do i look? hotter than her?
Rulebreaker's bff: Absolutely yes.
Rulebreaker: i'm pretty sure he is wearing the same shirt he wore on 2 of our 4 dates

Guess who called?

Texting guy! Perhaps he's a mind-reader, as (despite my idle threats), I had not contacted him.

Last week he had texted me midday during a workday asking me for a lawyer recommendation. I just texted him back the guy's name a few hours later.

Today he left me a vm thanking me and asking if I was going to this local festival, and saying he'd come say hi if I was.

I mean, maybe texting guy's just trying to be friends. That's fine. But the timing makes me smile.

OK, it's done

He met someone else. He called me and told me this in pretty much the nicest most unobjectionable way possible, so that I couldn't even have any anger about it. I'm left with simple sadness. He said that he probably would have kept dating me except that he wanted to see where this other thing went. He was complimentary to me and said that the timing was just off. I have never lost a cage match to another woman. It sucks.

I'm not sure if this action was particularly Rulesy - I guess it doesn't really matter at this point - but I logged into Jdate and replied to a message he sent me in November of 2008:

Off-timing indeed :)

I really liked you and I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I do appreciate your honesty and I wish you all the best. I got you a piece of flair (don't get too excited, it's a McDonald's happy meal toy), so I'll try to give that to you next time I see you.

-Rulebreaker

(the flair thing is something we had talked about before)

[EDITED 6/4] his response:

Hi Rulebreaker -

Thanks for the note and I appreciate you picking me up some flair. I have good feelings towards you and I am glad to know you feel the same.

I am sure I will see you soon,
FB
[e-mail address]

Do I Jdate "flirt" texting guy as a rebound? Nobody answered this one yet...

Low point

As may have been foreshadowed by the previous post, I hit a low point last night.

Before I describe it, let's just be clear that I do think that what happened to me last night/is happening to me now is an inevitable, necessary, and valuable part of the six months of Rules experiment. Especially if said experiment is ultimately going to be made into a movie with me played by a combination of Mary Pierce and Uma Thurman (AO reference). I am also cutting myself some slack on my reactions to it given what's going on at work right now. So, with that context...

FB guy called me last Friday night - 5 days from the previous contact. I thought we had a good conversation, which I ended after about 15 minutes. I was all "en aire," to use a phrase my best friend from childhood and I coined in 7th grade Spanish class.

Until Sunday. Then my anxiety started to increase again, building steadily until last night (another 5 days from last contact), by which time I was a virtual basket case and also going through a pretty tumultuous workweek. I turned my phone on silent and went to a wine tasting with a girlfriend. When I was feeling a nice level of tipsy, I bravely looked at my phone. On it was a missed call and a text from FB guy! "Hi - give a call when you can - [first initial]."

I was out and busy and really really should not have returned the call. Seriously, why did I return the call? Thus begins the slippery and treacherous slope of Rules fails.

He didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I checked my phone in 5 minutes and had a missed call.

I called back immediately. He didn't pick up. By this point my hackles were up.

I monitored my phone closely until he called back a few minutes later. I picked it up on my way outside, but the background noise was audible.

The conversation is actually a bit foggy. He asked me if I was home, and I said, no, I was out with [girlfriend]. We engaged in some small talk that seemed pleasant to a fairly buzzed Rulebreaker. He then asked me what time I thought I'd be home or something to that effect, and I asked him how late he'd be up. He didn't give me an answer and told me that if it was too late we could just talk tomorrow. I cheerily said okay, and we hung up.

Almost immediately I started to feel like something was Wrong. As I walked back in all the pieces started falling together. The distant "Hi - give a call when you get a chance?" The unenthusiastic "We can talk tomorrow?" Facebook guy was calling to break up with me. I was sure of it.

At this point I started acting like a complete psycho in mixed company. I told my girlfriend that I might just leave soon to call him back. I tapped my foot impatiently. I was distracted from all conversation. My carotid artery was visibly pounding in my throat (note: this is a Criminal Procedure joke). I managed to suffer through this for a whopping half hour before I bolted to the bathroom and called him standing inside a stall.

He didn't pick up.

I returned to the table sans relief, now wound into a full-on frenzy. My slight intoxication had loosened my tear ducts. My eyes became glassy. I wiped runaway tears with my napkin, blowing my nose in a futile attempt to disguise it. I plastered a fake smile on and desperately tried to make eye contact with my dining companions, most of whom I'd never met. I whispered to my friend that I wanted to just take off, and she (probably smartly) told me I was not leaving without her and was in fact spending the night at her place. I checked my phone compulsively. Nothing.

My friend excused herself and me as quickly as reasonably possible to get us out of there, although I'm quite confident it was too late for me to be perceived as a sane person. I drove out of the parking lot while texting facebook guy "are you still up?" at 10:00 PM. I then drove twenty miles to my friend's house in the pouring rain, checking my phone, sobbing (yes, sobbing!!!!) and blasting Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" over and over.

My friend had mobilized (her word) our other friend, who arrived at the apartment shortly after we did. They laid down on either side of me in her bed and we watched the Golden Girls and I fell asleep. I had an absolutely ridiculous dream wherein (very brief synopsis) I looked at FB guy's FB profile and he had changed his relationship status to "engaged." I then defriended him, which showed up in the FB feed as "Rulebreaker has defriended FB guy because he changed his relationship status to engaged."

The next morning FB guy had not called/texted back.

Even so, I felt marginally better, went to work, and checked Jdate. After two weeks of no activity, FB guy had signed in 10 hours ago.

10 hours ago. Also known as after my 10:00 PM text message.

This of course confirmed my breakup call fears, and I flew off the handle again. I posted a somewhat abbreviated version of this post in the AO to keep myself from doing something crazy like calling/texting/emailing him (I detest false hope, so once I'm pretty certain something is bad news, I just want it to be DONE). The actuaries sensibly pointed out that I had nothing to gain from that aside from a mere 12-13 hours of relief. I managed to process this logically. My ability to process this logically made me feel better.

I did nothing, and have heard nothing.

All sorts of thoughts are now bouncing around in my head. They include the straightforward "he's just not that into me," the somewhat more self-deprecating "I pushed him away with these stupid f*cking Rules," the nervous "he went back to his ex girlfriend," the paranoid "OMG he found my blog," and the somewhat more optimistic "he found my Jdate profile."

Some silver linings - Although I did develop real feelings for him and am consequently suffering some amount of heartbreak, I can still view him as a character in my blog. This provides some comfort to me even as I am alarmed at my unhinged reaction. Also, I now have inspiration for singing my solo in my a cappella group. Sorry, can't tell you what song it is, but that should at least amuse my readers who do know. Most significantly, it is always pleasant to be reminded that I have truly amazing friends.

RIP Rulebreaker + FB guy. Not technically flatlined yet, but probably a vegetable whose plug will be pulled sometime later today.

Loca

Dear facebook guy,

Thanks for reminding me how I'm still really impatient and insecure and obsessive and crazy. I really appreciate that, because I was starting to feel like I had actually made some progress in the independence and self-confidence arenas. Anyhow, due to the crazy, I decided to distract myself from you by joining Jdate again. When I did, I was surprised to see that in fact I had never fully taken my Jdate profile down and I had about 50 messages in my inbox.

Two of them were from you. One from November 2008 (a week before I got back together with my ex) and one was from August 2007 (a week before I went exclusive with my ex the first time).

Um, not fair, I just paid $80 to STOP thinking about you -- for at least four months with a $39.99 monthly renewal rate -- not to discover little cute things that push my thoughts ominously in the direction of "we barely missed each other twice before and are now finally coming around to our ultimate destiny in the universe."

Reading back over old e-mails with texting guy - yes, I actually almost went out with texting guy in 2007 as well - was fun and somewhat educational. The percentage of guys I recognize on the site is refreshingly lower than I feared (now that I've gotten pretty involved in Jewish activities, etc.). There are even some decent ones, although I really am not going to get into the business of browsing profile pictures due to the Rules. Yeah, I'm still trying to salvage those for the next exactly two months from today.

But the approximately eight times I have signed on to Jdate between paying for it last night in a huff of frustration at not having heard from you for four days and writing you this message that you'll never see, the first thing I do is check your profile to make sure you haven't signed onto Jdate since I last did. So far you haven't. You last signed in nine days ago, or last Wednesday, the day you called me before our Friday date. I mean, why would you need to sign into Jdate right before we went out on our fourth date? What the hell?

Also, I'm guessing you haven't figured out that [Rulebreakerjdatescreenname] and I are the same person. Would you have told me if you had? I'm honestly not sure about that one, but since your second Jdate message to me did not seem to acknowledge the first - and was after I had changed my profile picture - I'm assuming you just don't know.

Well, next time you sign on, you will most likely see me if you perform a search. Jdate tends to inform you if a girl in your search criteria has updated her profile. But facebook guy, what could you possibly be searching for? Are you just not that into me?


.
.
.
.
.

Gosh, look at the time. I've got a really early day, lots to do, so I must be going now!

<3
Rulebreaker

Rules quote of the day

"We can't control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialing his number."

--Rule #5, Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls

Security does not exist in absolute form

It is useful information to me to know that I still tend to be really anxious about not knowing when I'll next see or hear from someone I like. And then when I get anxious, I start to get anxious that I really like the person. And then that makes me more anxious.

Of course, this makes no logical sense. As a divorced person (thankfully I didn't end up having to put *this* on my mortgage paperwork), I more than many others my age know that the proposition of knowing you will be with someone forever is inherently false. Someone can stop loving you after making that commitment. Or they can get hit by a bus. One cannot live life trying to derive personal security from external sources that circumstances can always take away. The only place to find that is within.

Suffice to say, panicking that I don't know when a guy is going to call me for a fifth date--at 3:15 AM twenty minutes after the fourth date ended in making out against the door of my front coat closet--is among the most absurd reactions I've had recently. But I'm sort of glad I documented it.

On a totally and completely unrelated note, what does a Rules Girl do with a guy who leaves the toilet seat up in his house and my house? I have actually never dated a toilet-seat-leaver-upper before. My tentative answer: say nothing until you're in a relationship, then only if you care about it a lot.

sad!

I don't really know what to write other than, I think I got prematurely excited about facebook guy, who has basically canceled or changed up both nights this weekend, and who hasn't asked to see me again even though he knows I'm going out of town for a week. The 2nd cancellation was pretty good practice for me at being light and breezy in the face of disappointment. I don't think I was 100% successful. It just caught me off guard. It was a good reason I suppose, I just wasn't expecting it. And there's always that nagging "he wouldn't have even thought of canceling or changing for any reason if he was that into you."

I really really like fb guy, but I'm not a huge fan of how things went down re this weekend. His pattern indicates he'll call tomorrow or Sunday, but I had really looked forward to seeing him all week, and now I have no clue when I'm going to again. I feel like maybe I need to step back from this even if he does call. This feels quite unpleasant!

I would say I've bent the Rules with fb guy but not completely broken them. I haven't let things get too far physically, I haven't talked about relationship stuff at all. I've let him do all the calling and all the planning to the extent it's possible at all. But I stay out on dates for a long time, it hasn't been entirely clear who's ended the date, etc., and I pretty much act like I like him a lot.

The hard part about this experiment is that when things go south, the Rules wants me to blame my Rules failures. And that ends up translating into blaming myself. There's some internal tension between the implicit "you fucked up the Rules and he poofed" and the "he'll either love you or he won't," both of which are clearly present undertones in the books.

I'm not gonna lie, this shit is hard! But I'll feel better in the morning. I have awesome friends and a cool house and new boots.

Rules GPA slipping steadily...

We're almost at 4/6 months, and I have achieved a fundamental competence in the principles underlying the Rules. With the exception of the whole demureness issue (note, though, that in NOT falling over or dropping stuff nearly as often as usual, I have improved my demure quotient substantially), have so proven in my actions. Where I screw up, I know I'm screwing up.

Most of all, I have Rules girl-league-confidence. I don't feel pressure to do things I don't want to do. I feel good about my self-restraint in declining to do things I do want to do but are too fast or overly indulgent. I don't get too insecure about whether a guy really likes me. Indeed, when I do break the Rules, I'm doing it because I want to and have calculated that my action does not violate the Rules's basic precepts.

But ... I don't wanna be a Rules girl anymore. I wanna be facebook guy's girlfriend. *whine*

Facebook guy asked me out the past two Tuesdays for Saturday. The dates, albeit much longer than permitted (think 2-3 AM), were really great. I have tentative plans with him this weekend and he asked me to a party on short notice that I couldn't go to because I have plans. I've hesitated on writing about any of this because a) I don't want to jinx it, and b) somewhat contrary to (a), I feel like it's going somewhere and I'm imagining having to let him read this at some point.

Yes, yes, I'm indulging in thoughts, but I'm doing it to avoid indulging in facebook guy himself. And I'm better at turning them off when I try to.

Meanwhile, texting guy called a week and a half after the last call (which I had returned after an hour despite the Rules), was apologetic, asked if he could call me next week, and hasn't called eleven days later. To quote a friend, "Texting guy exists to jerk you around."

And, I don't really have anything else going on.

And, I don't care.

The Wednesday Rule

I have not gotten very many Saturday night date requests during this experiment. Therefore I have really not had to address the notorious "Wednesday Rule" as such.

The Wednesday Rule, among the simplest, is probably the Rule most quoted by people who don't know much about the Rules: Do not accept a Saturday night date after a Wednesday.

Corollaries addressed within the Rules (implicitly or explicitly):

• Don't return a call before you otherwise would (applying the Rules) to artificially meet this deadline.
• Tell him you have plans, even if your "plans" are cleaning your apartment.
• It is helpful to actually make plans with girlfriends for Saturday night so that you do not have to think about how you will be cleaning your apartment on Saturday night while turning down the date invitation.

Non-Rules people hold up the Wednesday Rule as the prototypical illustration of the Rules's absurdity. This bright-line Rule leaves no doubt that the Rules are nothing but mind games, and that Rules Girls are manipulating men, they say. Shock! Horror!

I'll reserve ruling on the merits of the Wednesday Rule for the moment, but suffice to say that one of the complaints about the Rule is that there is little discretion involved. It's too black-and-white.

Leave it to my life to make this complicated.

Via e-mail (relevant portions, not verbatim)

FB guy - Tuesday: Will you be around this weekend?
Me - Wednesday : Yep
FB guy - Thursday: Want to do something Saturday night?
Me - *headdesk*

Technically he asked me about the weekend before the Wednesday deadline. I was considering using this as a loophole to accept the date, but PRG set me straight. He did not book me Tuesday or Wednesday, so I had to say no. I did so on Friday, and felt HORRIBLE about it for pretty much the entire day. Then on Saturday night I watched "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" DVDs at my sisters' apartment.

This week (I'll just skip the somewhat weird results from my saying Saturday wasn't good for me), he called me on Tuesday and asked me out for Saturday. Good, right? Well, he wants to do something in the afternoon followed by early dinner.

The Rules free me from worrying about his motives or whatnot, there could be several and I highly doubt he has another date after me. The important question is what do the Rules say I do about this?

• I have to end the date first. If I suspect he might have plans afterward, this could be tricky.
• I cannot accept a spontaneous invitation to hang out with him afterward.
• Arguably, if he changes things up on me and calls Thursday or Friday to say he wants to have a later dinner instead, I can't accept this.
  

This all points to me making late night plans for Saturday night, and then sticking to them after the "early dinner."

Fascinating.

Rule Breaker, Single Person

I'm a homeowner as of 13 hours ago. I have a little one-story bungalow with a mostly fenced in backyard and a little deck. It is adorable and it is so me. And now it is mine - I own it as "[Rule Breaker], Single Person." Apparently Georgia law requires such designation.

I saw that on all the paperwork and laughed a little at the irony. I have never ever been known as "Rule Breaker, Single Person." I am "Rule Breaker, Codependent Relationship Person." Or I was - I am no longer. I am buying a house alone. I am moving into it alone tomorrow.

This is not what I imagined about buying a house, but I have finally come to embrace those deviations life throws at me. For the rest of the day, I entertained my friends with "Rule Breaker, Single Person." And, in spite of everything -- and there was a lot -- it was a good day.

Saturday night date invitation Thursday at 5:00 PM. Facebook guy. Broke my heart to turn it down.

I did so with light and breezy regret. There is a semblance of legitimacy to my decision to decline, because I haven't slept in about 42 hours and I have to move during the day on Saturday. By Saturday night I am probably going to be in no shape for a date.

His response was quick but a little friend-zone-y. In my exhausted state, it crushed me just a little bit. Despite what I just got done saying, there's got to be a statute of limitations after which the guy's going to be like, ok, this isn't taking off for some reason - he either won't know why or won't want to put up with the games.

I just keep reminding myself, if he really wants me he will make it happen. And if I'm wrong and lose the potential because of it, it's a lesson I needed to learn and a feeling of self-deprivation I should be living with on a more regular basis.

Rule Breaker, Single Person is going to be just fine in her little cottage. Come visit!

Ass out of you and me

One thing I've noticed on a fairly consistent basis is that everyone thinks if Guy X doesn't contact you within a certain period of time, he's never going to. That is, your friends will write the guy off as poofed after this magic amount of time, which my anecdotal experience suggests is approximately a week. Trying to take my cues from these vibes, albeit implicit (except when I posted the question on the loveshack forums awhile back), I have likewise assumed (see title) that a poof has taken place after about a week, sometimes less.

Thus far, I have been 100% wrong.

The Rules invented the concept of "poof," but (as I think I've said before), it's abstract. They pointedly do not prescribe a time period after which you are permitted to assume that the guy's not going to contact you again. When they discuss poofing in the book, they are always talking about long-ago lessons learned by girls who broke the Rules, a la "she broke the Rules, and never heard from him again. Poof!" But generally the girls used as examples in the Rules books are now Rules girls who despite their former transgressions, eventually applied the Rules correctly and found Rules husbands. There are no unhappy endings in the pages of the Rules.

If you think about it, the general lack of a timeline fits. You're not supposed to sit around and wonder if so-and-so is going to call tonight. You're supposed to live your damn life, and who really cares how long it takes him to call? Someone else will call sooner and he'll lose out. As long as you follow the Rules, you're not going to end up with him if he doesn't totally love you, so kick back, relax, and let the best man win!

The Rules only starts the "clock" when you become exclusive with someone. At that point the timeline is important, and you are only allowed to give him a year to pop the question. This also makes sense, because when you are in a committed relationship you are losing out on dating and possibly finding someone else.

But we're nowhere near there yet.

Living my single life without regard to whether guys I think might call me call me is easier said than done, of course. I suffer a moment or two of disappointment every night when I don't hear from anyone. For anyone who's counting, that's a moment or two of disappointment every night except three for the past month.

Some recent strange mixed resurrections that have gone on in my life:

• Facebook guy, after I whined to my friends all weekend about how he hadn't contacted me since, facebook messaged me Sunday night.
• Texting guy, after our lengthy PG makeout session last week, called me Monday night. I broke the Rules and called him back an hour later when I was done with my meeting. I left a voicemail saying I was returning his call. He has not called back, three days later. WHO DOES THAT?
  
• Dodgeball guy who e-mailed me randomly in January and failed the four-email requirement e-mailed me randomly again. ???? Even stranger, I'm pretty sure that guy had a girlfriend the last time I saw him. This raises the question of whether I get a four-email reboot with this guy. If he's even trying to date me at all.
  

Speaking of resurrections, although not prospects, my bizarrely brilliant ex-boyfriend found a way to give me a little closure. After over four months of no contact whatsoever aside from that random party, he nominated me for something without telling me, (likely) knowing I would have to call to find out my nominator's name in order to actually apply. I was shocked and annoyed at first. It sank in shortly thereafter and I realized that it was actually quite predictable coming from him. When I woke up the next morning, I felt an indescribable lifting of my feelings of resentment. In packing up my house to move in two days (!), I encountered some sentimental items that three days ago, I would have ripped up or burned. Instead, I just put them in a box with some other sentimental things from family and friends without any wrenching feelings or unpleasantness.

There are a couple of other tiny little things going on with me, but I'll save those for a post I can tie them into the theme of. Interestingly, I'm finding myself in a recursion - the Rules is making me happier and happier with me, but the happier and happier I get with me, the less I feel like I need the Rules and the harder it is to do them because I feel like I'm confident enough to handle the rejection I was previously trying to avoid. Um, I suppose this is also what happens with people and anti-psychotic drugs.

I have started slipping on Rules in various ways as of late:

• The obvious one, flirting shamelessly and making out with texting guy.
• Texting texting guy back when he sent me a post-make-out text (after 24 hours and just a smiley face).
• Calling texting guy back after an hour.
  
• Messaging facebook guy back after 12 hours instead of 24 (on the second round).
• Responding to Dr. eharmony's guided communication twice after 12 hours instead of 24. (This is a doctor I'm on round 3 of guided communication with. I am long overdue for an eharmony post.)
• Being RIDICULOUSLY un-Rules-y with that friend I posted about before.
  
• Having other strong urges to break the Rules and feeling less motivated by my 6-month commitment or my blog not to.
  

I have even thought more than once over the past week or so, maybe I should free myself from this self-imposed incarceration at 3 months.

I think I'll incorporate much more of the Rules into my life once I'm done with my six months, but there are definitely certain things I will do differently. But I won't know unless I keep trying. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm probably going to fail a little more than I would have a month ago :)

"Oops"

Via (ironically) text message--

A Practicing Rules Girl: last night i accidentally accepted a dinner date for tomorrow. ugh. i was trying to make it afternoon coffee and said i had plans l8r. he asked me what time i had 2 b there & i told him 8:30 or 9:00 so he weaseled in dinner at 6pm. he's nice though. i tried. i'll b more clever next time.
Rulebreaker: last night i made out w texting guy for an hour
A Practicing Rules Girl: wha??? who's txting guy? the first guy right? from the jewish parties. lazy man, yes?
Rulebreaker: yes :) just physical, all clothed. oops :)
A Practicing Rules Girl: oops. lol.

Books > Boys

One week back from out of town, and every single prospect I had seems to have poofed. And you know what? That's okay. I have replaced them with books. On my trip I read four print and two audiobooks. Since I returned I've read 1/2 a print book and one CD of an audiobook. I also find myself diverting conversations with friends from boys to books.

I'm a little bit disappointed, especially about facebook guy; and a little bit hopeful that some might still be interested; but mostly I'm feeling really proud that I don't think about it all the time. Slowly but surely, that pesky association between singledom and desolation is severed.

In other words, the Rules is accomplishing the primary purpose I had set out for it.

But let's go a little deeper into the triple-poofing that I have just endured. There are some mitigating factors at play.

1) In the "tag, you're it" a.k.a. normal world, I am the one whose turn it is to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. For all three of them. (Technically four, but I'm not interested in the fourth.)
2) I was gone for awhile, and therefore it makes even more sense for me to be the one to call/text/facebook message/e-mail/whatever. Again, for all three of them.

3) Drumroll.... For facebook guy,

• I did not return one text and one phone call in the two days after the date that indicated that he hoped to talk to me soon and had a good time and wanted to see me when I got back.
  
• I e-mailed him three days later and said see you when I get back, have a nice week.
  
• He e-mailed me three days later and said great, and asked me a small-talk-y question.
• Sixteen days passed.
  

Did the Rules require me to be so stingy in my communication with him? I would argue yes, at least the spirit. I wasn't even going to send the one e-mail but college friend convinced me that I should. But it sounds extreme on paper, doesn't it?? Nonetheless, I do tend to believe that if he were thinking about me, he would give me a call when he knew I was back in town (as he must by now unless he's not thinking about me at all). Even though I didn't return his last e-mail.

Upon returning, two friends who know facebook guy, one girl and one guy, asked me if I'd heard from him. I said no. The girl said that I should call him. The guy said he's an idiot, to which I responded, well, he might still call, I hope he doesn't think I don't like him since I didn't get a chance to call before I left or something. Then the guy made the comment that "[facebook guy] has options."

Which made me feel pretty good about the decision not to e-mail him back.

Anyway, I am likely to run into facebook guy, and texting guy, and possibly even guy #3 that I haven't really talked about much, at various events. So I'll probably eventually get a sense of whether the poofing is final.

In the meantime, plenty of novels beckon.